Date: 09 Jul 95 14:39:59 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Back in Business
To: Anthony T. Field
Hi!!
So it's been a while. Sorry. But here we go, after a dramatic resurrection, the list is back
in business. Okay, first the text, then the admin stuff (please read that part...)
Enjoy,
Tony
#########################
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long,
so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the
bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got
to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
#########################
Admin stuff:
Okay, since I haven't been doing this much lately, my list has deteriorated quite a bit. I
tried to update it, but I need your help. If you receive this message twice, let me know,
and I'll take care of it. If you know someone who would like to be added to the list, let me
know too, and I'll do that; and of course if you don't want to be on the list anymore, just
let me know and I'll take you off. As usual - or at least as before - I will be sending out a
funny little story no more than once a day to you, something meant to keep you laughing -
either during your vacation, or while studying. I'll try to be a little more consistent than
last term too...
Lastly, I want to name this almost-daily thing. so, I need your input. After a year of
sending out messages that have completely random titles, i figure it's time to get organized.
So, help me name this. Any suggestions? I've so far heard a couple, like "Study Break",
"Procrastinators Anonymous", and "Knee-Slappers", but if you have any other
suggestions I'd appreciate them. Thanks!
Okay, I think that's it. Have a Great summer, and if your mailbox gets cluttered up with a
gazillion messages from me over the summer... well...erase them!
Happy July,
Tony
Date: 10 Jul 95 23:44:54 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: (name me!!?!?!?!)
To: Anthony T. Field
Okay people, help me name this thing! I want to have something before Wednesday...
Oh, and if you successfully name this list, you may be exempt from the rest of this
questionnaire, but read on anyway...
Enjoy,
tony
ARE YOU A GOD? Take this simple test and find out.
1) When you invite people over to your house for a party, they: A) Laugh
and question whether anyone will show up at all. B) Come over but
everyone just winds up watching TV. C) Prostrate themselves and beg for
forgiveness.
2) Your children won't listen to you. You: A) Threaten them with the
loss of TV privileges for a week. B) Try to talk out your differences
to make the house a happier place. C) You ignite a bush and engrave
your immutable rules into stone tablets threatening to cast any who
stray into flaming pits for eternity.
3) You are bored. You decide now is the time to: A) Organize your
laundry into dark, and white wash. B) Commit various random violent
crimes. C) Finally get around to separating the firmament from the earth
and start working on night and day.
4) When you return home from work you take: A) The bus. B) A carpool on
the freeway. C) The Rainbow bridge.
5) It's dinnertime. Unfortunately your cupboard is bare and you have no
money. You: A) Hunt for varmint. B) Humbly ask your neighbor for
assistance. C) Transubstantiate and nibble on your limbs.
6) You are having a child! You: A) Pass around cigars to all your
friends. B) Knit a bonnet. C) Buy a lot of strong pain relievers because
the doctor tells you the kid will spring forth fully grown from your
split head.
7) The people you hang around with have names like: A) Joe, Bill, Mary,
Ziggy. B) Pedro, Maria, Zapata, Francisco. C) He Who Has No Name,
A'Thothton, Rah, Hera, Jesus, Michael Jackson.
8) At sporting events you fondly remember the good 'ole days when: A)
Players didn't charge kids 20 bucks for an autograph. B) The beer had
bubbles in it. C) The winners of the handball game would have their
chests splayed open, and their still-beating hearts' would be offered to
you in sacrifice.
9) Do you believe in God? A) Yes. B) No. C) How dare you question my
existence, puny mortal!
Total up the number of A's, B's and C's you scored. Compare the result to
the chart below.
1-3 C's: You'd like to think you are all-powerful, but lack conviction.
You probably only have one or two small altars in someone's shed in the
countryside. Apply yourself more in the realms of subjugating mankind and
exposing him to your whim. Try forcing some guy to write a book about
you.
4-6 C's: You might very well be a God, but you can't be sure. Try going
outside every day and hurling thunderbolts around the park. Randomly
choose a city to be destroyed. Think happy thoughts.
6+ C's: You don't really need to be told this (since you're omniscient)
but most likely you are a God. Don't panic. It's not the end of the
world. Well, it could be if you get angry enough, so keep that nasty
temper in check. Perhaps you should quit your job and start a band or
something. Send copious riches to the giver of this test.
Date: 12 Jul 95 01:00:27 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Last Chance!
To: Anthony T. Field
Good Evening!
Well, I'm planning on chosing a name tomorrow for this list, so if you have any ideas for
what we can use as a standard subject header, let me know, all ideas are greatly
appreciated!
If you have any messages that you think would be good to send out, please pass them on.
Okay, now a little story about grade school, and how to get to know the staff...
Enjoy,
Tony
When I was in grade school I had this horribly fat and ugly teacher that
always used to pick on me. We were doing math one day and she asked me
"Jeffo, whats 2/3 plus 1/6" and my brain started to bleed and she said,
"c'mon, whats our common denominator" and I said "a fondness for little
girls?". She was by and large.... So she sends me to the principal and
all the way there I'm remembering that Jimmy got sent to the principal
last week and his butt was so sore that he couldn't sit down, so I'm
praying "please don't let him find me attractive". So I get into the
principal's office and he says "Jeffo, Jeffo, Jeffo.." and I say, "I'm the
one in the middle ya drunken bastard". So he sends me to the school
psychologist and I sit down and he shows me these ink blots and says,
"Jeffo, what does this look like to you?" "Well" I said, "it looks
standard pattern #17 in the Rohrschach series for obsessive/compulsive"
and he started to get depressed, so I said "Okay, it's a butterfly". And
he showed me another one and I said "that looks like a big evil blob that
sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation". He said,
"the ink blot is over here, you're staring at a picture of my wife". I
said, "was I far off". He said "No". So then he gives me this chocolate
easter bunny and I eat the bunny and then I think "hey, was this just a
test you gave me?" and he said yes. So I said "okay, what does it mean".
He said, "well, if you had eaten the feet first you'd have an inferiority
complex, if you'd eaten the middle first you'd have latent aedopus complex
and if you'd eaten the ears first you'd be an over acheiver". "So go
ahead" I said, "tell me what it means when I bite out the eyes and scream
'stop staring at me'". He said, "it means you have a tendancy towards
self-destruction". "What do you recommend" I said. He said, "GO FOR IT"
Date: 13 Jul 95 02:04:55 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Referendum
To: Anthony T. Field
Okay, I'm putting this to a vote, (so that Rahul will stop sending me 17550 character
messages containing two words repeated over, and over, and over...:-) so here are your
choices:
Choose A) or B)
A) "Rahul's Joe"
B) Not "Rahul's Joe", but possibly one of the following (outside suggestions appreciated):
Procrastinate Now!
daily humor with tony field
and now... from the home offices in Toronto, Canada...
Tony's thought for the day
The Note
north of the border
northern exposure
maple leaf rag
the last haha (the last hurrah)
floatable quoteables
Edible Quoteables
Quote Slop
Quote Sorbet
Sex Tips
Sexual Chocolate
The Lumberjack Mail
e-funnies
E for ComedEE
Fish Slapping Dance
Eric the Half-a-mail
The 'I Love Jodie Foster
The Porcupine Pamphlet
The "Kirk can kick Picards butt!" funnies
Electric Jello
Live From Dartmouth...
Dead Puppies
The FlipSide
Small Medium at Large (Midget telepath escapes prison)
Tony Field gets a GPF <-- only good if you're a Windows person
Tipsy-Cake
Techno-teehees
Bandwidth Babble
The "not quite ready for junk mail" mail...
The Farther Side
Total Randomness
Beautiful Oddities
Your Daily Nutcases
Weird Words
Tasteless Truths
Soporifics
Moronic Murmurs
Gimp-like Greek
Insidious, Platyrrhine, Kumquats
breathers
brain breaks
Pause awhile...
ToniToneTony
So that's it. We'll see how the vote goes, and I'll let you know how it turns out! Thanks
for your time.
here's a little story that rings quite true, as Karen put it (thanks Karen) Think of this as
Dartmouth switches to the new WordPerfect 3.1 word processing standard for next year -
abandoning Microsoft Word...
Enjoy,
Tony
My Spelling Checker
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks for my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this pome rite threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in its weigh --
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing
It freeze ewe lodes of thyme.
It helps me right, awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours ore every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Be fore a veiling checkers,
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if were lacks or have a laps,
We wood be made to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of non eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sew ewe can sea why eye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea sees.
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas.
Date: 14 Jul 95 00:10:50 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Ten Finalists:
To: Anthony T. Field
Well, I must say that a lot of you responded! That's great! Anwyay, there were a bunch of
titles that did quite well, so here are the top ten in alpha order. Whichever is the most
popular wins. Sorry fans, Rahul's Joe was defeated in the referendum with only 13.9% of
the votes. But if you ever feel the need for a strange experience, Rahul's Joe should
definitely be considered as a travel destination... So please respond to this one, this is the
last time this comes up...
Beautiful Oddities
Brain Breaks
Canadian Bacon
Electric Jello
Pause Awhile
Procrastinate Now!
The Farther Side
The Note
ToniToneTony
Your Daily Nutcases
Okay, now for the story: This one's a story lived and told by my bro a couple of days ago,
as he was attempting to enjoy the summer to its fullest in the greatest city in the world...
[The names have been changed to protect the innocent (Mike's isn't, simply because he
isn't innocent :-) ]
Enjoy,
Tony
Anyone ever seen that Labbatt beer commercial? I just pulled one last night...
My friend, [Giuseppe], with whom I went to middle school and is now nineteen,
and I (who am NOT nineteen) decided to go to the Monday Night at the Mo at The
Morrissey at Yonge and Bloor in Toronto. It's just a huge parking lot that is
opened up into a massive patio with two portable bars, jammed packed full of
people, and surrounded by ginormous bouncers in black.
I was hesitant about getting in as I didn't have any identification that said
that I was nineteen (because I'm not).
The plan was that [Giuseppe] would lend me his birth certificate, he go in the side
door while I study and memorize the information on the birth certificate in case
that I had to repeat the information, for about five minutes, then I follow in
through the side door and use my friend's birth certificate as proof of age ID.
The last half failed. This is where the beer commercial comes in...
The bouncer at the side door innocently questioned the fact that, I have no idea
why, I am not the person who owns the birth certificate as it does not have a
picture. "Got anything with a picture on it?", he asked. I thought to myself -
well, I have a high school student card, and a TTC student card, and....
I tried to negotiate.
STEP I
'Well', I began 'can I just go inside for a second to tell my friend that I came
by?' The bouncer hesitated and replied affirmatively on the condition that I
make it quick and leave my wallet with him at the door. Great! I'm inside but
I don't have my wallet, and that damn bouncer'll be lookin' for me pretty damn
soon! I updated [Giuseppe] with my situation.
....LIGHT BULB...
STEP II
I casually walk to the FRONT entrance of the bar and tell the bouncer at the
door that I'm just going to wait for a friend outside for a minute, could he
just let me back in when I come back. "Sure, yeah! No problem, man..."
STEP III
I casually wait outside about ten feet away from the front-door bouncer, using
my superior acting skills that I learned in my grade eleven French drama class,
and pretended to wait.
STEP IV
I casually walked around the corner of the building to the side door and removed
my leisure suit with the word ACTOR on the front and FAKER on the back.
STEP V
I ask the side door bouncer if I could have my wallet back. "Thanks a lot for
holding on to my wallet, man. See ya later" "No problem..." The bouncer said.
STEP VI
I slipped my labelled leisure suit back on and walked back around the corner of
the building to the front door, wondering where the hell my "friend" is. I
approach the front door bouncer and say, "Well, guess he ain't showin' up.
Thanks a lot." The bouncer nods with a smile, doing a great job. Ya know, if I
were his employer, I'm give him a raise.
STEP VII
I throw away my leisure suit, let my hair down as a disguise from the side door
bouncer, and party away - wallet and everything.
THE END
A true story, lived and told by Michael Field
Date: 16 Jul 95 03:00:27 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good morning!
Well, it's decided. As you read, the title is "The Farther side". 43 of you responded at
least once, and here's the breakdown
28% "The Farther Side" Mike Field (da drunken bro')
17% "Procrastinate Now" Jennifer Leet
17% "Canadian Bacon" Karen Field (mommy)
11% "Electric Jello" Jeff Heine
9% "ToniToneTony" Lynne Campbell
6% "Brain Breaks" Amanda McArthur
4% "The Note" Kevin Hand
4% "Your Daily Nutcases" Tim Curtin
4% "Beautiful Oddities" Tim Curtin
0% "Pause Awhile" Amanda McArthur
I was kinda leaning towards "The Farther Side", "Electric Jello" and "Beautiful Oddities"
myself, but it looks like my brother's suggestion is the top choice. Thanks Mike! Also,
thanks to everyone who responded!
And now, the joke of the day:
Enjoy,
Tony
The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal imbedded into
the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was
unidentifiable at the scene.
The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually
a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for
taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and
found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATOunit to his car, jumped in,
got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!!
Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-
420kph) when he came to that curve....
The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car.
NOTE:
Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at full thrust 'till the fuel is
all gone.
Date: 16 Jul 95 18:03:25 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Title Suggestions
To: Anthony T. Field
--- Forwarded Message from Anthony T. Field ---
>Date: 13 Jul 95 01:52:32 EDT
>From: Anthony T. Field
>Subject: choices
>To: Anthony T. Field
ROB PUCKETT
daily humor with tony field
and now... from the home offices in Toronto, Canada...
MAYANK KESHAVIAH
Tony's thought for the day
KEVIN HAND
The Note
PADRAIC MALINOWSKI
north of the border
northern exposure
maple leaf rag
JENNIFER LEET & DAVID BRUDER
Procrastinate Now!
CAT HARRIS
the last haha (the last hurrah)
RAHUL MATHUR, RUSTY YOUNG, BRIAN HICKEY
Rahul's Joe.
KATIE LAFORGIA
floatable quoteables
Edible Quoteables
Quote Slop
Quote Sorbet
Sex Tips
RUSTY YOUNG
Sexual Chocolate
Rahul's Joe
JEFF HEINE
The Lumberjack Mail
e-funnies
E for ComedEE
Fish Slapping Dance
Eric the Half-a-mail
The 'I Love Jodie Foster
The Porcupine Pamphlet
The "Kirk can kick Picards butt!" funnies
Electric Jello
Live From Dartmouth...
Dead Puppies
The FlipSide
Small Medium at Large (Midget telepath escapes prison)
Tony Field gets a GPF <-- only good if you're a Windows person
Tipsy-Cake
Techno-teehees
Bandwidth Babble
The "not quite ready for junk mail" mail...
MIKE FIELD
The Farther Side
TIM MCCANN
Total Randomness
Beautiful Oddities
Your Daily Nutcases
Weird Words
Tasteless Truths
Soporifics
Moronic Murmurs
Gimp-like Greek
Insidious, Platyrrhine, Kumquats
AMANDA MCARTHUR
breathers
brain breaks
Pause awhile...
LYNNE CAMPBELL
ToniToneTony
--- Forwarded Message from Anthony T. Field ---
>Date: 13 Jul 95 23:04:41 EDT
>From: Anthony T. Field
>Subject: Top ten
>To: Anthony T. Field
Well, I must say that a lot of you responded - almost a fifth of you (which is pretty good
turnout, I think) Anwyay, there were a bunch of titles that did quite well, so here are the
top ten. We'll decide which one from this. Hey, it's kinda fun, don'tcha think? :-)
Electric Jello (emily mcconnell, rob leathern, ben herman, jeff heine, tammie ledoux)
Procrastinate now! (amit chibber, dave hofer, jennifer leet, jeff heine, dave belden)
The farther side (the farther side, carrie gilbert, annie loomis, vanissa yunibandhu, mike
field,karen field,nick field,karen zahalka)
north of the border (karen zahalka)
the flipside (karen zahalka)
total randomness (karen zahalka)
your daily nutcases (sarah weisman, karen zahalka)
the porcupine pamphlet (jeff heine)
and now... from the home offices in Toronto Canada.. (jeff heine)
Live from Dartmouth... (jeff heine)
brain breaks (emily mcconnell, padraic malinowski, jeff heine)
tony's thought for the day (matt richards)
the last hurrah (matt richards)
moronic murmurs (matt richards)
tony says (matt richards)
the flip side (padraic malinoski)
pause awhile (emily mcconnell, tammie ledoux)
maple leaf rag (ben herman)
dead puppies (puckett)
tasteless truths (matt clavel)
bcc barf (rob leathern)
quote slop (foga)
gimp-like greek (mayank)
tonitonetony (amit chibber, ginny fang)
RAHUL'S JOE (rahul mathur, brian hickey, john mowat, sophie billekens)
north of the border (jennifer leet)
northenr exposure (jennifer leet)
read it and like it (dammit) (dave galazin)
the maple leaflet (terzella)
brocktoon (john mowat)
the stolpa update (john mowat)
--- Forwarded Message from Anthony T. Field ---
>Date: 16 Jul 95 02:28:07 EDT
>From: Anthony T. Field
>Subject: Results
>To: Anthony T. Field
THE FARTHER SIDE
karen zahalka
ben sweetser
adrian tompsett
mayank kesheviah (2)
sarah storey
ben herman
karen thickman
vanissa yunibandhu
lisa prunty
iason demos
carrie gilbert
annie loomis
mike field
karen field
nick field
ELECTRIC JELLO
mayank kesheviah
tammie ledoux
jeff heine (2)
emily mcconnell
rob leathern
ben herman
PROCRASTINATE NOW
david bruder
david hofer
amit chibber
john mowat
david belden
jeff heine
david coleman
sky colley
jennifer leet
TONITONETONY
kathy healy
david belden (2)
ginny fang
sariya sharp (2)
lynne campbell
BRAIN BREAKS
katie laforgia
padraic malinowski
amanda mcarthur
THE NOTE
padraic malinowski (2)
kevin hand
CANADIAN BACON
karen zahalka (2)
rob puckett
liz fuller
mark wenzel
sky colley (2)
neesha ramchandani
kelly goodwin
sariya sharp
heidi hachtel
YOUR DAILY NUTCASES
neesha ramchandani (2)
sarah weisman
BEAUTIFUL ODDITIES
sariya sharp (3)
tim curtin
Date: 16 Jul 95 23:17:56 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well, I just got back from Casablanca. One could say that that is a relatively decent flick.
It might be something you might want to consider watching.
Now, to begin my 8 hours of homework...
But in case I'm not alone with this work idea, we all know that one of the best ways to
make it through an allnighter is with FOOD. And who will deliver food straight to your
door until 2am? EBA's of course. And one of the most popular things they deliver late at
night when nobody's roommate is watching is the pint of Ben and Jerry's. Here are some
flavours to stay away from, thanks to the twisted mind of Dashing Dave:
(and if you thought that that was a cheezy intro, wait till my allnighter's finished!)
Enjoy,
Tony
Worst Ten Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors
10. Peppermint Volcano (Pepsi and Candy Cane)
9. Republican Party (Bananas and Grapefruit with Graham Crackers)
8. Of Mice and Mint
7. Smurfy Nerfy (Blueberry and Foam)
6. Breewitched (French Cheese with yellow moons, green clovers, and purple
horseshoes)
5. Atomic Explosion (Butterscotch with Raisin electrons, Alapeño protons, and
"Glue"trons) *
4. Forrest Chump (Vanilla with chuncks of Shrimp)
3. Sparkling Shine (Crest and Colgate covered with Plax)
2. Chocofeller Center (Milk Chocolate and Sushi)
1. Pine-ochio (Pineapple and Wood)
* note: chill physics people, it's called poetic license.
Date: 17 Jul 95 22:19:31 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good evening...
Well, this is a little early tonight for a couple of reasons. First of all, I already had it ready.
Secondly (or maybe this should go first) I have a scary night ahead of me, working,
working, working.... Nice... I get to read about "Signals, Filters, and Amplifiers and the
s-Plane" and my roommate et al are paddling up the Connecticut for the night. Gee,
wouldn't it be bad if a hurricane were to come by, or if we were hit by torrential
downpours...? Gee, that would really bum them out... Eh Sky, Iason, Zak, all of you...
But for me, ahh, peace and quiet... and visions of electrons dancing in my head... PASS
THE ASPIRIN!
Not that I'm bitter.
And of course, the story. Keeping with the topic of Dartmouth-y things, here's what you
get when Dr. Seuss starts looking for work at Kiewit.
Enjoy,
Tony
What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
... Barney (Bar-Knee) n. 1) Well known purple mutant eggplant from Hell.
Date: 19 Jul 95 22:59:21 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Sorry there wasn't anything yesterday, but I went to sleep at 9.45 and didn't care to think
about anything. (it was nice.) So now, I've got a lot to think about... Anwyay, one thing
you might want to think about, since it's summer and all, is the Barbecue. A requirement
of any good summer weekend. They're not all fun and games though, as pointed out by
Dave Barry: (thanks to Ben for this submission)
Enjoy,
Tony
Nuclear Picnic
by Dave Barry
The Boston Globe Magazine
June 25, 1995
Today's culinary topic is: how to light a charcoal fire. Everybody
loves a backyard barbecue. For some reason, food just seems to taste
better when it has been cooked outdoors, where flies can lay eggs on
it. But there's nothing worse than trying to set fire to a pile of
balky charcoal.
The average back-yard chef, wishing to cook hamburgers, tries to ignite
the charcoal via the squirt, light, and wait method, wherein you squirt
lighter fluid on a pile of briquettes, light the pile, then wait until
they have turned a uniform gray color. When I say "they have turned a
uniform gray color," I am referring to the hamburgers. The briquettes
will remain as cold and lifeless as Leonard Nimoy. The backyard chef
will keep this up - squirting, lighting, waiting; squirting, lighting,
waiting - until the bacterial level in the side dishes has reached the
point where the potato salad rises up from its bowl, Bloblike, and
attempts to mate with the corn. This is the signal that it's time to
order Chinese food.
The problem is that modern charcoal, manufactured under strict consum-
er-safety guidelines, is one of the least-flammable substances on
Earth. On more than one occasion, quick-thinking individuals have ex-
tinguished a raging house fire by throwing charcoal on it. Your back-
yard chef would be just as successful trying to ignite a pile of rocks.
Is there a solution? Yes. There happens to be a technique that is
guaranteed to get your charcoal burning very, very quickly, although
you should not attempt this technique unless you meet the following
criterion: You are a complete idiot.
I found out about this technique from alert reader George Rasko, who
sent me a letter describing something he came across on the World Wide
Web, a computer network that you should definitely learn more about,
because as you read these words, your 11-year-old is downloading
pornography from it.
By hooking into the World Wide Web, you can look at a variety of
electronic "pages," consisting of documents, pictures, and videos
created by people all over the world. One of these is a guy named
(really) George Goble, a computer person in the Purdue University
engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other
engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook
hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for
practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process.
"We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me
in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light
faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."
If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you
know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from
cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.
From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then
an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen,
which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall
from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of
oxygen with the cosine to form the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or
something along those lines).
By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world
of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the
mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid
oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295
degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms
of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equiva-
lent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million
Labrador retrievers. On Gobel's World Wide Web page (the address is
http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video
of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to
dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill
containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition.
What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen,
featuring a large fireball that, according to Goble, reached 10,000
degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has
to be a world record - 3 seconds.
There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique
on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of
charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vapor-
ized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for
a refund."
Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all
choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near
the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for
producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes
for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.
Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with
a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for
all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers,
every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana,
looking for a mushroom cloud.
--
Date: 20 Jul 95 22:41:16 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Keeping with the theme of Working too hard in the summertime, here's a little Dave Barry
thanks to Sophie.
Enjoy,
Tony
Caffeine is one of the many substances that have been shown to cause laboratory
experiments involving rats.
Date: 22 Jul 95 01:10:15 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good Evening everyone, and Happy Birthday Cat (Friday)!
Here's one for the whole family:
Enjoy!
Tony
The Pope and a priest were sitting up in the Vatican when the priest looks out the window
and says to the Pope, "Pope, Pope, Jesus is come'n Jesus is come'n! What should we
do?"
The Pope say to the priest, "look busy!"
Today's joke was pretty bad... might have to whip out ye olde disclaimer!
****************************************************************
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Date: 23 Jul 95 00:17:51 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Happy Tubestock everybody!
And as for those who had to work instead... here's something to keep in mind.
enjoy!
Tony
IF YOU'RE UNHAPPY
Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south
for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a
short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth and landed in a barnyard,
almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it
was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able
to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The
cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of a shitty mess is not necessarily your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
Date: 23 Jul 95 22:40:21 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Hi!
I hope you all had a good weekend... In case you're getting down about the diminishing
prospects of going to graduate school, here's something to cheer you up a little...
Enjoy!
Tony
The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall
Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows:
5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
You just might be a graduate student if...
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke
across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of
classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep
them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority
sweatshirt, not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal
communication"
Date: 25 Jul 95 00:22:25 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good Evening Everyone...
I hope midterms are going well. Just think - only a few more days, and you'll be able to
relax almost like it's the summertime! Ooh, sorry, that's a sensitive topic, eh?
Well, here's some inspiration for your daydreams:
Enjoy!
Tony
,. '\'\ ,---.
Quiet, Pinky; I'm pondering. | \\ l\\l_ // | Err ... sorry,
_ _ | \\/ `/ `.| | Brain! Narf!
/~\\ \ //~\ | Y | | || Y |
| \\ \ // | | \| | |\ / | /
[ || || ] \ | o|o | > / /
] Y || || Y [ \___\_--_ /_/__/
| \_|l,------.l|_/ | /.-\(____) /--.\
| >' `< | `--(______)----'
\ (/~`--____--'~\) / U// U / \
`-_>-__________-<_-' / \ / /|
/(_#(__)#_)\ ( .) / / ]
\___/__\___/ `.`' / [
/__`--'__\ |`-' |
/\(__,>-~~ __) | |__
/\//\\( `--~~ ) _l |--:.
'\/ <^\ /^> | ` ( < \\
_\ >-__-< /_ ,-\ ,-~~->. \ `:.___,/
(___\ /___) (____/ (____) `---'
"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but where will we find a duck and a hose at this hour?"
(Win Big, AN102)
"I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find an open tattoo parlor
at this time of night?"
(Where Rodents Dare, AN109)
"I think so, Brain, but if we didn't have ears we'd look like weasels."
(Battle for the Planet, AN115)
"Uh, yeah Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?"
(Pavlov's Mice, AN118)
"I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career? It's all too much
for me."
(Opportunity Knox, AN124)
"I think so, Brain, but isn't Regis Philbin already married?"
(Jockey for Position, AN127)
"I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so."
(Bubba Bo Bob Brain, AN134)
"Sure Brain, but where are we going to find chaps our size?"
(Spell-Bound, AN138)
"I think so, Brain, but we'll never get a monkey to use dental floss."
(Puppet Rulers, AN140)
"I think so, Brain, but this time you wear the tutu."
(The World Can Wait, AN144)
"I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so."
(When Mice Ruled the Earth, AN147)
"I think so, Brain, but me and Pippi Longstocking? I mean, what
would the children look like?"
(The Helpinki Formula, AN156)
"I think so Brain, but I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish."
Date: 26 Jul 95 02:05:00 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Hi!
Well, this is the last day I'm going to be up at a ridiculous hour studying for quite a while.
Midterms end tomorrow with Electromagnetism!
Here's one that I received thanks to my friend Jennifer from home. I think it's rather
appropriate for this time of the term, and I'm going to dedicate it to all of the people who
have been buried in formulae and dissected bodies over the last week. You know who you
are. (and you have my condolences)
Enjoy!
Tony
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession
was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of
Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible
surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the
beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were
created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you
think the chaos came from?"
********************************* and ***************************
Three engineers discussed the Designer of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints."
The second, "It was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is full of messy
connections."
The last, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline
through a recreational area?"
Date: 27 Jul 95 00:53:48 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
G'day!
I just got back from The Exorcist today. Apparently, the Devil speaks Greek! (All of a
sudden, I understand my roommate so much more now!) Anyway, an interesting movie,
kinda freaky, but definitely weird.
Here's a little Dave Barry thanks to Sophie for ya today. You think we had bad weather
today...
Enjoy!
Tony
Frankly, I have always wondered what the Emergency Broadcast NEtwork would
broadcast if we actually had a nuclear war. I imagine they'd try to keep it upbeat, so people
wouldn't get too depressed:
ANNOUNCER: Hi there! You're listening to the Emergency Broadcast Network, so
don't touch that dial! It's probably melted anyway, ha ha! WEatherwise, we're expecting
afternoon highs of around 6800 degrees, followed by a cooling trend as a cloud consisting
of California and Oregon blots out the sun.
Date: 27 Jul 95 11:15:07 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Hi!
This is a little early today, because I'm sending out a shameless plug for a campus
production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Also, a report on changing light bulbs, thanks to Amanda.
Enjoy!
Tony
How many democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows? First, they have to set up a government agency to
oversee the change. Then they have to create a bureaucracy to
determine what type of bulb should be purchased, where it
should be purchased, and who will purchase it. Then hearings
must be held to ensure the job is being done correctly and at
the greatest possible cost to the taxpayers. Additionally,
laws must be made to ensure the democrats do not have to live
under the same light as the private sector. The light bulb is
actually never changed by the democrats, although they claim
that the massive amounts of money they are throwing at the
project are really working.
Finally, one November, the democrats will be thrown out in
favor of someone who will actually change the light bulb.
---------------
" The most beautiful thing about a tree is what
what you do with it after you cut it down."
####################
Well, what can I say about Willy's most popular play? A Midsummer Night's Dream is
wonderfully funny, entertaining, and (dare I say it, yes i do...) sexy.
Dartmouth Drama presents
A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM
by Shakespeare, of course
directed by James Loehlin
Opening TOMORROW (thursday)!
Thursday July 27 through Sunday July 30 at 8 pm
Thursday Aug 3 through Friday Aug 4 at 8 pm
Saturday Aug 5 at 5 pm
Thursday Aug 10 through Friday Aug 11 at 8 pm
Saturday Aug 12 at 5 pm
Moore Theatre, Hopkins Center
Tickets (603) 646-2422
Get your tickets today (opening night!)
Date: 29 Jul 95 01:26:50 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good evening!
Happy rainy, hot, humid, sticky, cloudy Friday! Who the heck scheduled this for the one
free weekend I get this month, eh?! (not that I'm bitter...:-)
Here's now not to ace a bio exam (learned the hard way):
Enjoy!
tony
Medical Terminology for Non-Doctors
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favoring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumor -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
Clarvoiants meeting canceled due to unforseen events.
Date: 31 Jul 95 00:23:39 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Dave Barry. Thanks to Gordon!
Enjoy!
Tony
as a mature adult, i feel an obligation to help the younger generation, just as the mother fish
guards her unhatched eggs, keeping her lonely vigil day after day, never leaving her post,
not even to go to the bathroom, until her tiny babies emerge and she is able, at last, to eat
them.
Date: 31 Jul 95 23:47:57 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
I'm tired.
(I just thought I'd share that with you...:-)
Anyway, here's a little story that you can believe or not. It's up to you... Recycled from
Puck. (thanks)
Enjoy!
Tony
customer tech support & Trinidad (may be urban legend!)
To Tech Supporters everywhere:
--------------------------------------
SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to keep tabs on
customer satisfaction. By wild "luck", they managed to catch the following conversation
on tape.
Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official..from the
legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English, and fairly calmly
described the problem.
It seemed that was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However, the
national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the
Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door to
the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of
the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to the lock,
and they had already been killed.
So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is this. The
combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh , but the file has been encrypted
with the SuperMac product called Sentinel. Was there any chance, he asked, that there
was a "back door" to the application, so they could get the combination, open the armoury
door, and defend the Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad
against the insurgents?
All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of gunfire in the
background. The Technical Support guy put the person on hold. A phone call to the phone
company verified that the origin of the call was in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this
mad scramble to see if anybody knew of any "back doors" in the Sentinel program.
As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was no known back
door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside from trying to guess the
password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that they'd be better off trying to
physically destroy the lock.
The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up. That night, the
legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters mentioned that the
casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some reason, there seemed to be little
return fire from the government forces.
O.K., so they shouldn't have kept the combination in so precarious a fashion.
But it does place, "I can't see my Microsoft Mail server" complaints in a different sort of
perspective, does it not?