Date: 02 Aug 95 02:59:35 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good evening...
Well, I'm finally finished my physics lab. It worked! Ya gotta love summer school...
Anyway, here's some David Letterman for ya...
Enjoy!
Tony
TOP TEN MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARD CATEGORIES MICHAEL JACKSON IS
NOMINATED IN
10. Best Editing of Facial Feature
9. Outstanding Performance in an Ongoing Police Investigation
8. Weirdest Male Artist
7. Weirdest Female Artist
6. Best Performance in a Black And White Video by Artist Who
Isn't Really Either
5. New Video by Guy with a Brother Named Tito
4. Best Singer Who Talks Just Like Mike Tyson
3. Least Life-Like Nose
2. Best Acting in a Marriage
1. Best New Face
Date: 04 Aug 95 00:17:38 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good evening...
Here's a little message forwarded to me from Jeff... Be careful how you word and
punctuate things, especially to the public....
Enjoy!
Tony
The following appeared recently in the Pet Market section of the
Anderson SC Independent Mail classifieds:
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings,
555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan
Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to
assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Date: 04 Aug 95 23:48:14 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Hi! It's Friday!!!!
I hope you all have a great night and weekend!
Will somebody please tell me why Letterman's top ten lists always get worse from 10 to 1?
Enjoy!
Tony
TOP TEN REJECTED BATMAN VILLAINS
10. Sy Sperling and His Hairpiece of Death
9. The Pillsbury Psycho
8. Lactose-Intolerant-Man
7. The Ticketmaster
6. The Woman Who Keeps Breaking Into Batman's House
5. The Masked Philbin
4. Anwar, The Cabbie Who Won't Break Batman's Twenty
3. Mujiman
2. Connie and Her Chung Gun
1. The Caped Kato
[Music: "Batman" theme music by Neil Hefti]
Date: 05 Aug 95 23:43:17 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Bcc: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well, here we are, another rainy weekend! Happy! happy!, joy! joy!
This is a little quote that I heard over the dinner table a couple of days ago...
Enjoy!
Tony
[on the subject of 'hot' dates, nice dresses, and 'rides', this is everybody's favourite
exchange student, Laura:]
"I have a hard time getting in and out of my car with my dress on"
[it was later confirmed that this was due to a lack of 'elbow room' in the car. (Laura drives
a truck)]
(no, I wasn't paid for this advertisement:-)
Date: 05 Aug 95 23:48:35 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Explanation
To: Anthony T. Field, Christopher T. Saccardi
I am sending this message to Chris now so that Laura doesn't take out a contract on my life
when she reads this message. (Chris, please don't show it to her until I ask you to.
Thanks.)
tony
Laura,
Don't worry, I did NOT send that to the 200 people on my TFS blitz list - it is called
"comedy" in my address book - for historical reasons only. That previous message looked
EXACTLY like this (sent 08/05/95 23:43):
To: atf
Subject: The Farther Side
Bcc: laura keating, jana pruski, chris saccardi,david markham,atf
Greetings!
Well, here we are, another rainy weekend! Happy! happy!, joy! joy!
This is a little quote that I heard over the dinner table a couple of days ago...
Enjoy!
Tony
[on the subject of 'hot' dates, nice dresses, and 'rides', this is everybody's favourite
exchange student, Laura:]
"I have a hard time getting in and out of my car with my dress on"
[it was later confirmed that this was due to a lack of 'elbow room' in the car. (Laura drives
a truck)]
(no, I wasn't paid for this advertisement:-)
Date: 06 Aug 95 00:02:44 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well, here we are, another rainy weekend! Happy! happy!, joy! joy!
Here's a little Dave Barry thanks to Jeff:
Enjoy!
Tony
This quiz is designed to help you get a handle on how far you've progressed
toward becoming a grownup, as measured by the Standardized Psychological Maturity
Scale, which assesses your maturity level on a scale of zero (Very Immature) to ten
(Legally Dead). Answer the questions below as honestly as you can, bearing in mind that
there are no right or wrong answers. Our goal, in this exercise, is not to judge you
according to someone else's arbitrary system of values. Our goal is to waste time.
1. If another driver cuts you off in traffic, you will:
a. Keep your temper firmly in check, because nobody wins when you play games with
Traffic Safety.
b. Honk your horn in an irritated fashion and possibly even make a famous hand gesture.
c. Dedicate yourself totally to gaining automotive revenge - no matter what the risk to
property or human life - by CUTTING THE OTHER DRIVER OFF, even if this means
drastically altering your plans and, if necessary, following him to Mexico.
2. When you participate in a friendly, informal, meaningless pickup game such as
volleyball or softball, you play at an intesity level that would be appropriate for:
a. a friendly, informal, meaningless pickup game.
b. the Olympic Finals.
c. Iwo Jima.
3. You generally leave parties:
a. Well before the other guests have left.
b. When there are only two other guests remaining.
c. At gunpoint.
4. What do you do when the song, "Jumping Jack Flash," by the Rolling Stones, comes
on your car radio?
a. You turn it off and call the office on your car phone to see if any of your business
associates have tried to reach you on their car phones.
b. You change to a "mellow rock" station oriented toward sensitive songs such as "Feelin'
Groovy" from Simon and Garfunkel's early years ("The Weenie Period") played by disc
jockeys who are so low key they take Qualudes to wake up.
c. You crank the car radio all the way up and do the car dance, wherein you bounce your
butt rhythmically on the seat, and you sing along with Mick Jagger using the cigarette
lighter as a microphone while gradually pressing down harder and harder on the
accelerator, so that when you get to the part where you and Mick sing that "Jumpin' Jack
Flash" is a GAS GAS GAS, you are going at least eighty-five miles per hour, even inside
your garage.
5. If it were entirely up to you to feed yourself, your diet would consist of:
a. Fruits, vegetables, and low-cholesterol protein sources.
b. Dried foods and frozen dinners.
c. Milk Duds.
6. In conversations with your co-workers, how do you refer to your boss?
a. Mr. Druckerman.
b. Ted.
c. The Human Hemorrhoid.
7. If you have any money left over after you take care of basic living expenses, you put it
into:
a. A diversified investment portfolio with emphasis on proven equities offering secure
long-term growth potential.
b. Paying off your VISA bill.
c. Skee-ball.
8. You are in a very important, very serious corporate meeting attended by major, high-
level officers. During a momentary silence, one of the participants - the chief executive
officer of a firm that your company desperately wants to win as a client - emits a brief but
fabric-renderingly-loud burst of flatuence. What do you do?
a. Act as though absolutely nothing has happened.
b. Titter involuntarily, but quickly regain your composure.
c. Lunge for the 179-page markey survey report in front of you and hise your face behind it
and make a desparate but clearly hopeless effort to remain silent while your body vibrates
with pent-up laughter that finally erupts with a violent, wet gasping noise like several dozen
whales surfacing simultaneously, accompanied by a rivulet of fast-moving drool trivkling
out from under the report and making its way across the conference table and finally
dribbling into the lap of the potential client's attorney, at which point you emerge from
behind the report and attempt to apologize to seventeen stony, staring corporate faces, who
unfortunately serve only to remind you of the awesome, nearly life-threatening HUMOR of
the situation, so that all you can say to them - to the people who hold your professional
future in their hands - is, quote, "WHOOOOO," after which you pull your head, turtle-like,
back into the report, and the only noise from the conference room, aside from the labored,
gurgling gasps that you continue to emit, is the sound of the potential client picking up his
briefcase and marching grimly and permanently from the room.
9. Your taste in the performing arts runs toward:
a. Ballet, opera, and classical music.
b. Television, movies, and pop concerts.
c. Booger jokes.
10. If you had just acquired a puppy, your highest priority, in terms of discipline, would
be training it to:
a. Heel.
b. Roll over.
c. Pee on the Amway distributor.
HOW TO SCORE - First off, you have to make the woman believe that you REALLY care
about her as a person, and then you...
Whoops! Sorry! Wrong kind of scoring! To score yourself on the maturity quiz, give
yourself one point for each "A" answer, half a point for each "B" answer, and no points for
each "C" answer, then total up your points. If you actually take the trouble to do this, you
are a fairly mature person. A lot of us are already reading the next chapter.
Date: 07 Aug 95 02:15:09 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther side
To: Anthony T. Field
Study Break!
Well, since four friends of mine and I have birthdays coming up in the next 3 weeks, and I
just decided to mark my calendar -- birthdays are on my mind. Here's something to think
about... (thanks Rob)
Enjoy!
Tony
THE REAL HOROSCOPE
NEW YORK: For a long time now I've been irked by all the nice goodie-
goodie things that the seers say when they find out your astrological
sign and then tell you "what you are". You know, ambitious, brave,
intelligent, trustworthy, loving, tender, brilliant, sexy, generous and
the like of that. Well, some friends have sent me what they call
the "realistic horoscope reading." It was prepared by a seer who claims
he tells it like it is. Here's what it says:
AQUARIUS(Jan 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined
to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You are inclined to be
careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
and over. People think you are stupid.
PISCES(Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you
are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over
your associates and people resent you for your flaunting of power.
You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people chuckle
while burning ants with magnifying glasses.
ARIES(Mar 21-Apr 19) - You are the pioneer type and hold most people
in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice.
You are not very nice. You belong at the head of a wagon train on the way
to a massacre.
TAURUS(Apr 20-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have
dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
stubborn and bullheaded. You are. Upon being fired from a job you are
likely to return with an assault rifle.
GEMINI(May 21-June 20) - You are quick and intelligent. You are inclined
to expect too much or too little. This means you are cheap. You put
pebbles in a blind man's cup.
CANCER(June 21-July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of
other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always
putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.
You bought Digital stock at $199.50.
LEO(July 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think
you are pushy. Most Leo people become bullies. You are vain and dislike
criticism. Most Leo people are thieves. You sold Digital stock at $199.50.
To your mother.
VIRGO(Aug 23-Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This
nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional
and would rather fall asleep than make love. Virgos are good bus drivers.
The books in your bookcase are arranged alphabetically.
LIBRA(Sept 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult
time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gains are slim.
You talk a lot to yourself. You have to. Everyone else has stopped
listening.
SCORPIO(Oct 23-Nov 21) - You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted
You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered by someone they know.
SAGITTARIUS(Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You
have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The
majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope users. People laugh at
you a great deal.
CAPRICORN(Dec 22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never
been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing
too long in one place, as someone might paint them by mistake.
Date: 08 Aug 95 04:11:49 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good morning...
Well, I just finished a problem set, and I must admit, I'm a little tired...
Enjoy!
Tony
I'm Tired!!
Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins,
air polution, water polution, saccharine, obesity, dieting, underarm odor, yellow wax
buildup, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder whether life is really worth
living.
But now I've found it's not that.
The population of this country is 200,000,000. Eighty-four million are retired. That
would leave 116,000,000 to do the work. There are 74,000,000 in school which leaves
41,000,000 to do the work. Of this total, there are 22,000,000 employed by the
government.
That leaves 19,000,000 to do the work.
Four million are in the armed forces, which leaves 15,000,000 to do the work. Take from
that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments and that leaves
200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the
work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just 2 people to do the work. You
and me. And you are sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired!!
Date: 09 Aug 95 00:47:27 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Goodnight everyone!
Had a great day today, productive class (zzz...), spoke to some cool people, enjoyed the
weather, I even got to measure the length of a flagpole shadow - 97 size 12 teva-lengths, in
case anyone was wondering... Lots o'fun...
Oh, I have a question for you... Who sent me Scott Moody's email address, and would
you please send it again? (minor admin problems...:-)
Well, here's a cheezy little joke about a little debate in a "high" court....
Enjoy!
Tony
God and the Devil are arguing over whose turn it is to fix the Gates.
God says,"Hey look, it's your turn to fix them. I fixed them last time."
The devil says,"No way. They're you're gates. I don't want to fix them. What are ya
gonna do if I don't fix them?"
God says, "I'll sue you."
The Devil says, "Oh yeah? Where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
Date: 10 Aug 95 00:04:11 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good evening!
Hey everybody! Say Happy B-day to Rob Leathern if you see him tonight, he turned 21
sometime earlier today...
In honour of our friend the Computer Scientist, here's a little poem...
Enjoy!
Tony
PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
-----------------------------
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
102 little bugs in the code....
.....
[Repeat until bugs <= 0]
Date: 11 Aug 95 02:47:30 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
I hope everyone's having a productive Friday morning... I certainly will be, then again,
I'll be sleeping in till 11... hehehe
I want to wish a big Happy Birthday to Kathy Healy for Friday! If you see her, give her a
hug.
Here's a little story that you might find amusing... followed by a plea to donate food to the
local food drive...
Enjoy! Give!
Tony
> The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
> broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
government
> plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the
first
> five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father- a
> government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by
> impregnating the wife.
>
> The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due
to
> arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man
> should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer
> rings the bell................
>
> Ms Smith: "Good morning."
>
> Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come
> to....."
> Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
>
> Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
> especially twins."
>
> Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
> and have a seat."
>
> Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
>
> Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this
> is the right thing to do."
>
> Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
>
> Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
>
> Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub,
> one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes
> the living room floor allows the subject to really
spreadout."
>
> Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked
> for Harry and me."
>
> Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
> every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
> from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with
> the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to
> please.'"
>
> Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
>
> Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and
take
> his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
> you'd be disappointed with that."
>
> Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
>
> Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just
> look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on
> top of a bus in downtown London."
>
> Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
>
> Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
> They turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their
> mother was so difficult to work with."
>
> Ms Smith: "She was?"
>
> Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
> Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
> under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
> around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
>
> Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
>
> Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got
so
> excited she started bouncing around, squealing and
yelling
> at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had
to
> ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness
was
> approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the
squirrels
> began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
>
> Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
>
> Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider
my
> work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented
> technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the
front
> window of a big department store."
>
> Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
>
> Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
> that
> we can get to work."
>
> Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
> Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on.
> It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
> shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's
fainted!
>
--- Forwarded Message from Katherine P. Domingo ---
As you all probably know, the Students Fighting Hunger Food Drive has been going on
this week. However, by just taking a quick glance at boxes lying around campus, people
really haven't been contributing anything. Please take the time to buy a can or two and
place it in one of your dorm boxes. The LISTEN Center in Leb and The Haven in WRJ are
really counting on our food items from this drive -- both of their food pantries are REALLY
LOW.
Thanks for helping!!
Students Fighting Hunger
Date: 17 Aug 95 23:02:58 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Hey!!
I'm back! Like most of us lately, I had some huge exams to worry about. Now finals are
here, so I'm a happy camper (midterms are the worst!) Anyway, here's a little story that
might give you a little chuckle. It's long, sure, but you don't have to read the whole thing
to enjoy it a lot...
Oh! I almost forgot - some admin. stuff...
First of all, since I last did this there are a lot fo new people, so welcome to Emily, Christy,
Jon, Jeremy, Janice, Chris, Dave, Will, Jana, Laura, Alex, Khoa, Mike, Ed, Anne,
Simone and anyone else I forgot (cuz my list got messed up...sorry!) Anne and Simone
make 212 and 213 people so far, and I'm happy to be able to provide all of you with
something that might help you relieve some tension during nasty times during the term.
(this article especially is good for that!) Now, if you know someone who might like to be
added, just give me their name, and I'll do it. If you would like your name to be removed,
just let me know and I'll take care of it, no problem. PLEASE let me know just before you
leave if you will be off for a certain number of terms, and I'll take you off until you get
back. I'll send out a reminder at the end of the term. Finally, if you want me to include a
little blurb about an upcoming event, or maybe some news, or whatever, let me know and I
might be able to include it as long as it's a reasonable length. Though I'll mention it in the
intro, the joke comes first though... (it's a psychological thing...) The Farther Side comes
out _usually_ once a day, or whenever I get around to it, but not more frequently than that,
so your mailbox won't get all cluttered...
Anwyay, that's it. Have a great weekend (if like me, yours is starting tomorrow...:-)
Enjoy!
Tony
COYOTE V. ACME
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B19293, Judge Homer Simpson, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-vs.-
Acme Company, Defendant
Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states,
does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and
retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing
business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation
for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a
direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under
Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a),
relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased
of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company`s mail-
order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to
defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made
out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of
the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have
temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of
predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen`s
Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use
the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket
Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his
prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the
handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote`s forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote`s body shot forward with a violent jolt,
causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride
the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a
diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply
to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver
but was unable to, due to poorly designed sttering on the Rocket Sled and a
faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked
progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the
side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared
by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures,
contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this
collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head
(excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four
legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to
mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product,
however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which
occured with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without
caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to
inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates
soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so
violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document
he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme
"Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full
listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached
deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that
not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an
expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time
and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte
a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward
around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The
trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type
sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation
indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly
on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832),
climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote`s prey, seeing the birdseed,
approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the
fuse burned down to the stem, causeing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote`s careful preparations to naught,
the premature detonation of Defendant`s product resulted in the following
disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the
aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and
ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff`s Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the
University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no
explanation has been found for this product`s sudden and extreme malfunction.
As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-
metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength
and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard
release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a
premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed
them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the
boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote`s prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote
put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his
right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr.
Coyote`s prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting,
the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full
extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the
lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant`s product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-
Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey
looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs
recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the
boulder, the full weight fo his head and forequarters falling upon his
lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The
boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce
down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its
velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote cam into contact with the boulder, or
the boulder cam into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with
the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some
time.
The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to
Mr. Coyote, vix., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetion of blows along a vertical axis
produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote`s body tissues--
a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and
contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key,
accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing
nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote`s pursuit
of a normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of
the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites,
Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much
as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other
domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our
trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation,
where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless
and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen
million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals,
medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million
dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty
million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand
dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in
the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual
predator to equal protection under the law.
Date: 17 Aug 95 23:03:50 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Date: 17 Aug 95 23:08:09 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Oops....
Sorry... So First I send the whole thing to myself only, then I send everybody nothing...
The length of this should make up for it...
Geez, only 1 minute, and already 6 people have slammed me... I love you guys...:-)
Here:
Hey!!
I'm back! Like most of us lately, I had some huge exams to worry about. Now finals are
here, so I'm a happy camper (midterms are the worst!) Anyway, here's a little story that
might give you a little chuckle. It's long, sure, but you don't have to read the whole thing
to enjoy it a lot...
Oh! I almost forgot - some admin. stuff...
First of all, since I last did this there are a lot fo new people, so welcome to Emily, Christy,
Jon, Jeremy, Janice, Chris, Dave, Will, Jana, Laura, Alex, Khoa, Mike, Ed, Anne,
Simone and anyone else I forgot (cuz my list got messed up...sorry!) Anne and Simone
make 212 and 213 people so far, and I'm happy to be able to provide all of you with
something that might help you relieve some tension during nasty times during the term.
(this article especially is good for that!) Now, if you know someone who might like to be
added, just give me their name, and I'll do it. If you would like your name to be removed,
just let me know and I'll take care of it, no problem. PLEASE let me know just before you
leave if you will be off for a certain number of terms, and I'll take you off until you get
back. I'll send out a reminder at the end of the term. Finally, if you want me to include a
little blurb about an upcoming event, or maybe some news, or whatever, let me know and I
might be able to include it as long as it's a reasonable length. Though I'll mention it in the
intro, the joke comes first though... (it's a psychological thing...) The Farther Side comes
out _usually_ once a day, or whenever I get around to it, but not more frequently than that,
so your mailbox won't get all cluttered...
Anwyay, that's it. Have a great weekend (if like me, yours is starting tomorrow...:-)
Enjoy!
Tony
COYOTE V. ACME
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B19293, Judge Homer Simpson, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-vs.-
Acme Company, Defendant
Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states,
does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and
retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing
business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation
for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a
direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under
Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a),
relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased
of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company`s mail-
order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to
defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made
out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of
the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have
temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of
predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen`s
Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use
the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket
Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his
prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the
handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote`s forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote`s body shot forward with a violent jolt,
causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride
the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a
diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply
to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver
but was unable to, due to poorly designed sttering on the Rocket Sled and a
faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked
progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the
side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared
by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures,
contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this
collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head
(excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four
legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to
mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product,
however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which
occured with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without
caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to
inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates
soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so
violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document
he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme
"Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full
listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached
deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that
not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an
expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time
and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte
a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward
around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The
trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type
sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation
indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly
on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832),
climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote`s prey, seeing the birdseed,
approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the
fuse burned down to the stem, causeing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote`s careful preparations to naught,
the premature detonation of Defendant`s product resulted in the following
disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the
aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and
ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff`s Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the
University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no
explanation has been found for this product`s sudden and extreme malfunction.
As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-
metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength
and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard
release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a
premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed
them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the
boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote`s prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote
put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his
right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr.
Coyote`s prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting,
the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full
extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the
lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant`s product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-
Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey
looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs
recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the
boulder, the full weight fo his head and forequarters falling upon his
lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The
boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce
down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its
velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote cam into contact with the boulder, or
the boulder cam into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with
the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some
time.
The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to
Mr. Coyote, vix., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetion of blows along a vertical axis
produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote`s body tissues--
a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and
contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key,
accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing
nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote`s pursuit
of a normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of
the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites,
Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much
as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other
domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our
trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation,
where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless
and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen
million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals,
medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million
dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty
million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand
dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in
the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual
predator to equal protection under the law.
Date: 19 Aug 95 01:12:11 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
I just saw Waterworld tonight. Interesting advertizing techniques they use:
a) - hype it up like crazy: "yeah, they spent a gazillion dollars on this movie, it's gonna be
absolutely GREAT!"
b) - send a few thousand people to it and have them return with nothing but horrible
reviews, telling everyone "it was so stupid! I can't believe they spent a gazillion dollars on
that! If you go looking to see a gazillion dollars, you're going to hate it"
c) - lay low fora while, with all of the horrible hype
d) - send people for random reasons (all that was not sold out/curious to see a horrible
movie, etc) (that's me tonight) and have them spread the world that "it's not _that_ bad, it's
actually a pretty entertaining movie", and eventually, everyone will go see it. These guys
are sneaky! My opinion? Mad Max on the water. (yup, you heard that before too) Check
it out though - it's worth at least matinée fare...:-) I was pleasantly surprized - but then
again, it would've had to have been horrible to be less than i expected...
On the movie note, here's a little story for you Trekkies... Thanks to Anna
Enjoy!
Tony
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave
Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for
information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they
were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and
Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with
Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the
planet Vulcan.
TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
--------------------------------------------------------
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit
too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
---------------------------
TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETATCHED HEAD
20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get
"ahead" in research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
....and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his
life insurance policy
=========================
SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include
dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your
dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible,
and "The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that today's elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your
drawers
----------------------
**20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it
has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form,
which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form just
wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place
to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten
to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed
as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent
engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise"
where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is
soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience
which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a
smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of
his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for
not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one
in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
----------------------------------------------------------------
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself
on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
a shuttlecraft
8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the
bridge
7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his
forehead
6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other
life-forms
5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking
if Dick Hertz is there
4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show
her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in
the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're
wearing?"
2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead,
make it so"
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away
team beams back up
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
---------------------------------------------------------
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 minutes into the
future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's
crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy
during self-destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed
aboard Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
Date: 20 Aug 95 02:56:25 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good Morning!
Today's gonna rock!
On that note, (thanks to Pad)
Enjoy!
Tony
Schubert's Productivity
A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished
Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality
Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and,
instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as
follows;
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be
reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication,
and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really
required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive
refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest
semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been
handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be
reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these
matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
Date: 21 Aug 95 00:42:16 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Goode evening!
apparently, some people didn't like that last one... Ok, ok, okay! but lighten up, eh?
here's one recycled from a while ago.
Enjoy!
Tony
TOP TEN THINGS LISA MARIE WILL MISS ABOUT BEING MARRIED TO
MICHAEL JACKSON
10. Desire she feels when she sees him clutching stuffed bunny on
a merry-go-round
9. Say what you want about the freak, but he made a mean omelette
8. At picnics, his old noses made great corn-on-the-cob holders
7. After a night of great sex, Michael would always tell her about it
6. Sneak-previews of Liz Taylor's latest hip X-rays
5. House need cleaning? Just dunk Bubbles the chimp in a bucket of
Lysol and let him go nuts!
4. That adorable sheephish way he'd tell her he had to pay off
another kid
3. Hyperbaric chamber a great place to keep baked goods fresh
2. Several of his buddies from the Elks lodge were actually quite
nice
1. He was always so polite and charming to Elvis
[Music: "Theme from Casino Royale"]
Date: 24 Aug 95 05:29:34 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good Morning!
This should be a warning... (thanks to Heidi for this one)
Good luck on Finals everyone!
Enjoy,
Tony
>Letters from Summer Camp 8/9/95 10:48 AM
>
>The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:
>
>Dear Mr. Dvorak:
>Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to
>get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try
>and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal
>ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a
>summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were
>the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire >--
you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
>reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan
>knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he
>went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans
>and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out
>of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot
>down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't
>know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.
>These are some of my little Billy's letters.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Dear Mom,
>The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
>good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
>to program, so they let us stay up.
> Love, Billy.
>
>Dear Mom,
>Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all
>get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way,
>can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's
>time for the flowchart class.
> Love, Billy.
>
>P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell-
>checked too.
>
>Dear Mom,
>Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow
>of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a
>tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
>screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
>weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
> Love, Billy.
>
>Dear Mom,
>I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
>ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
>funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more
>money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes.
>I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to
>people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
> Love, Billy.
>
>Dear Mother,
>Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
>haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
>any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's
>in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show
>me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I
>shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
> Signed, William.
>
>Dear Mother,
>How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
>haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears
>them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
>thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money
>on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for
>the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
> Regards, William.
>
>Mother,
>Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old.
>It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I
>can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government
>computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your
>only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
> Sincerely, William.
>
>
>See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy.
>What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my
>little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE
>CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank
>you very much.
>
> Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
>
>Mr. Dvorak inadequately replied: Come on, Sally, boys will be boys.
Date: 25 Aug 95 22:15:15 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Hola studious peoples...
So this is what finals are like... Well, before I go back into my shell, here's a little story
about lunches...
But before that... My friend Jana Pruski is a little bit sad lately, because she hasn't
received much mail lately. Would you mink please dropping her a line, just to say "Hi
Jana, Have a nice day" Thanks!
Okay, da story...
Enjoy,
Tony
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and
the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage
and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and
jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his
death also.
At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given
it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
Date: 26 Aug 95 22:39:34 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Hi !!!
Well, finals have officially begun, what a wonderful thing - they make your life a living
hell until you take it, and as soon as you leave the room, you're in heaven. Go figure...
Here's something to think about....
Enjoy!
Tony
Battle Hymn of Term Finals
(Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)
Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humilation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known.
(thanks to sarah)
Date: 28 Aug 95 04:46:31 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good morning!
Toning down the humour for the end of term... Plus, i can't tell what's funny this time of
night anyway :-)
Enjoy!
Tony
There are these two women having a game of golf one day but they are
holding up the two men behind them by taking their time putting and
aiming for the holes.
Then Bill says to his mate Fred, "I think I'm going to go ask them if
they don't mind stepping out the way so we can play our shot and move
on to the next hole". So Bill comes within 3 metres of the women and
decides he can't do it, so he walks back to Fred. What's the problem
asks Fred. Bill says "hey man, ones my wife, the others my mistress.
So brave Fred decides he'll do the honours. So he walks over to the
women and turns straigh back towrard Bill. "No way!", he says. Bill
asks what's the problem. Fred says "small world isn't it?"