Date: 18 Sep 95 03:00:38 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings everyone!!
Well, it's fall once again, and I'm back in business. For those of you who were off in the
summer, we had a big vote-type thingy, and this "mailing" was named "The Farther Side".
For those of you who are new to the list - friends from home, '99's, and others, welcome!
You don't know what you got yoursleves into... Heh heh heh.... Anyway, here's the
deal. This comes out somewhere between once a term and once a day. You won't get
more than one a day, so you won't have to worry about clogged up in-boxes. I try to be
selective, so they're usually pretty funny. If you have any friends that you would like me
to add to this list, just let me know. If you would like to be removed from the list, also let
me know. For those of you who didn't set up autoreplies for the terms you were away,
and for those of you who forgot to tell me you were away, sorry you got bombed... :-)
To start off the year, here's a little message about "College" by our friend Dave Barry. I
hope you like it, and enjoy this little bit of advice. Thanks to Ginny for sending me this
one!
Once again, welcome back, and keep in touch!
Enjoy,
Tony
"College" by DAVE BARRY
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you
young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust
me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand
hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These
include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
-osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these
things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was
in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to
forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to rememb
something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of
brain cells.
After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for
example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of
chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to
come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to
get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example,
suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.
If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because
sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
get a large government grant.
Date: 18 Sep 95 23:52:58 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well, registration is tomorrow, and then it all officially begins. In case you plan on taking
some history classes, here's something to put you ahead of the class, from the great
historian, Davius Barrius.
Thanks to Jeff.
Let me know if you get this twice, my list is still settling down after major changes... Ya
gotta love the D-plan...
Enjoy!
Tony
Football, the Boston Tea Party, the US Postal Sevice, the , environment, and George
Bush.
One afternoon, some freedom-loving colonists known as the Boston
Patriots were sitting around their locker room, trying to think up ways
to throw off the yoke of colonial oppression. Suddenly one of them, Bob,
had an idea:
"Hey!" he said. "Let's dress up like the locals and throw tea
into the harbor!"
Instantly the other Patriots were galvanized. "What was that?"
they shouted.
"A galvanic reaction," responded Bob. "Named for the Italian
physiologist Luigi Galvani (1737 - 1798), who conducted experiments
wherein he sent electric currents through the legs of frogs."
But the Boston Patriots were not the only people engaging in
inhumane scientific research during the colonial era. Another person
doing this was Benjamin Franklin, who, in a famous experiment, sought to
prove his theory that if you flew a kite in a rainstorm, a huge chunk of
electricity would come shooting down the string and severely damage your
brain. Sure enough, he was right, and he spent the rest of his days
making bizarre, useless, and unitelliegible statements such as: "A penny
saved is a penny earned." Eventually he became so dodderingly pathetic
that he had to be palced in charge of the US Postal Service.
But getting back to the Boston Patriots: Later that night, they
boldly carried out Bob's plan of dressing up as native Americans and
throwing tea into the harbor, but for some reason this did not result in
independence. "Maybe we should toss in some lemon," somebody suggested.
And so they did this, and then they tried some Sweet 'n Low; still no
sign of independence. Also, the harbor was starting to look like a toxic
waste dump, which did not go unnoticed by early ancestors of future
president George Herbert Walker Piedmont Harrington Armoire Vestibule Bush.
Date: 20 Sep 95 00:02:17 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Aaah, classes start tomorrow... Guess I should choose some, eh? Okeedoke, this message
is dedicated to Bonzo the clown up in Kingston (yes you Colin) - welcome to the list. And
your american counterpart from Maine, miss Foley, who has been averting this list for a
couple of years now...
First, a quick little definition thanks to our friend Chris, and following it, my effort to keep
the North American public informed on new developments in space technology...
Would you like fries with that?
Enjoy!
Tony
Lactomangulation, noun.:
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to
using the "illegal" side.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
http://aps.org/WN/wn090195.html
3. POTATO-BASED LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM TESTED. FRENCH
FRIES AGAIN?
NASA announced the successful 418-day test of a plant-based life support
system. According to a NASA press release,
potato plants supplied enough oxygen to sustain one crew member on "deep
space or lunar missions" and provide 55% of
the person's caloric needs. The announcement failed to indicate how many
potato plants were needed to achieve this level
of support, but in a separate study, carbon dioxide removal and oxygen
production for one person took 30,000 wheat
plants. The most intriguing aspect of the report is the mention of
long-duration lunar missions. In the dark, plants
consume oxygen and evolve carbon dioxide--and lunar potatoes will have
to learn to live with nights that are 28
Earth-days long. [ed. 14 actually:-)]
Date: 21 Sep 95 00:48:34 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
First I want to welcome the new folks, Carrie, Eric and Bob. This daily thing is supposed
to make you laugh instead of punch your screen during times of stress. As usual, if you
want someone else added, just give me their name, and if you want to be removed, let me
know. If you're receiving this more than once, tell me, i'll fix it.
Today's story is taken from News of the Weird. Any musicians or other people with any
common sense would surely 'note'* that this scenario could be very ... scary...
But what else are you going to do in the mid-west...? ;-)
Thanks to Elidorfa for bringing this one in.
Enjoy!
Tony
-- Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill., hosted the first International Tuba-
Euphonium Conference in June. One composition included a crescendo that required 750
tubas to play at once.
* try not to keel over and die from laughter for this extremely clever and intelligent pun.**
** note sarcasm
Date: 22 Sep 95 00:09:28 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Everybody say Hi to Peter, Julie, Duncan, James, and all of the other new people today...
Welcome!
Here's an article that was requested by Allen earlier tonight. It's gone out before, but it's
one of the greats.
Enjoy!
Tony
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff
and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No
name was mentioned.
Enjoy!!!!
---------
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have
brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf
under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I
took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your
shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.
When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the
shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and
have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed
by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them
in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you
checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last
evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to
your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have
any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and
don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.
You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about
those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new
check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along
with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have
accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove
the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM
and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my
own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot
understand why there was no soap in your room since our Maids are instructed to leave 3
bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54
little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-
size Dial. Do you realize have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you
complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned
them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to
receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously
your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camay,
plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size
Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and
8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks neatly piled and
dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I
suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for
future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial
which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Date: 23 Sep 95 02:35:49 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well, there are about 20 new members on the list today, so let's just say welcome all you
new folk! Somebody who knows you gave me your name... (not mentioning any names
so Paige doesn't feel embarrassed) Anyway, there are now over 250 of you being
corrupted by The Farther Side. Watch out for each other....
Have a great weekend!
Tony
Funnies from the Univ of Alaska....
(Original author unknown, via various University of Alaska physics types...)
WASHINGTON, DC - The head of the government's Consumer Prevention Task Force
said he was shocked to learn of hidden dangers and misleading claims
that affect virtually every product on the market. He said that he
became aware of the problem while watching re-runs of "Beakman's World"
as his son tried to explain relativity and quantum physics to him. The
CPTF is drafting new regulations to deal with the problems, which will
include the following mandatory labels for all present and future consumer
products:
WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.
WARNING: This product attracts every other piece if matter in the
universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force
proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional
to the distance between them.
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of
85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred
million miles per hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the ``uncertainty principle,'' it is
impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely
where this product is and how fast it is moving.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through
a process known as ``tunneling,'' this product may spontaneously
disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the
universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be
responsible for any damages or inconveniences that may result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested
versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting
this
product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred billion
years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this
merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion
will result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any
manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe.
Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this
process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together
by a ``gluing'' force about which little is currently known and whose
adhesive power therefore cannot be permanently guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found herein,
the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of
99.9999999999% empty space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically
be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However,
the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and
beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven
new dimensions are ``rolled up'' into such a small ``area'' that they
cannot be detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the
consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist
or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons,
protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every
measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers,
and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since
its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative
to the user.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including
this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small
space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence
of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
Date: 24 Sep 95 00:27:05 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
This message requires no explanation. Thanks Neesha, and welcome new people!
Enjoy!
Tony
"The Annual All Time Best of the Worst Country Song Titles"
as printed in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
-Do You Love As Good As You Look
-Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
-Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
-Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
-Heaven's Just A Sin Away
-Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
-Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
-I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
-I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
-I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
-I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
-I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)
-I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
-I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
-I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
-I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
-I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
-If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me Her Memory Will
-If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
-If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
-If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure
-If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
-It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
-It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
-Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
-Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
-(Pardon Me) I've Got Someone To Kill
-She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
-She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
-The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
-Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
-Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
-When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
-You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
-You're A Cross I Can't Bear
-You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Date: 25 Sep 95 01:40:22 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Dave Barry on Electricity.
Thanks Jeff.
Enjoy!
Tony
Electrical Circuits
At the electrical company, fuel oil is burned to set fire to a
generator, which gives off electrical energy in the form of sparks, which
are put into wires and sent to your home, where the electricity waits in
the wall until you turn on your toaster, at which time it rushes through
the wire to the English muffin, and from there into your stomach, where
it remains until a cool dry day when you are walking down a hall,
scuffing your feet on the carpet and you go to open a door, causing the
electricity to leap into the doorknob, where it reamins forever, building
up over time to tremendously high levels, which is why scientists are now
concerned that if some unscrupulous entity such as Libya or God-forbid an
adolescent male, ever figures out how to release the power, he could,
using only the latent doorknob energy contained in a single, older,
ranch-style home, vaporize Oregon.
Date: 27 Sep 95 02:37:55 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well, if you're like me, then you're getting back into the swing of things (i.e.
procrastination) If this looks like your life, you're not alone...
Enjoy!
Tony
A day in the life of a grad-student...
6:30 Wakeup and lie awake in Bed
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner,
means no eating out for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you
realize you didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off.
7:01 fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow,
will eat early brunch at
(Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever
cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school
Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier
today must have got more work done
8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to
find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn.
Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201
regarding questions about the class.
Hate your TA job.
Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up
the company and ask for your money back.
Wonder why they would beleive you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be
vaguely related to your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction.
Mutter racist comments to yourself about your
officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not
comprehend.
Feel good about him not grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most
people half way around the world (using the "finger"
command, of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing
tetris last night.
10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 edit .plan file. write a shell program to edit .plan
more easily
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something
you dont need & and kinda make him aware you are working
hard on your project.
11:05 perverted daydreams
11:11 read electronic news
mid-morning yawn time
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to
pretend you are working hard as your advisor passes by
from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half
minute until all the garbage you typed in is erased.
Realize that you can type more than 256
characters per half minute
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department
11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft +
presentation
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date
from last presentation
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-
machine company
12:15 Hunger pangs:
12:20 BigMac/Fries time
Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your
desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk
cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 sudden awareness of one's shallowness
resentment towards foriegn officemate for
sucking up to your advisor
Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do
some more work for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your
draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your
assistantship/grade/graduation
possiblity/graduation date/all job
opportunities/and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something
stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 splitting headache #1
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are
too busy to do that
2:06 More generic cola
2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans
to quit this degree program and take up a job.
Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted day-dreams.
Close the office door and open a few .gif files.
sharpen pencil
3:06 worry about never graduating
time to write a letter--NOT! no time for that.
rearrange desk
call up bank; see if you have any money
fear of losing aid next Fall
Read latex manuals to figure out how to put
&$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 watch the clock
make plans to do a all-nighter tonite
Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice Advisor leave
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom
Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have
to come to the office late at night to "get the work done"
9:03 Check electronic mail
Decide it would be a good time to attack those ftp
sites since network wont be loaded
Run into "since network wont be loaded" traffic
and get the pictures into your machine.
Compress all unwanted research/class directories
to make space.
Back up all your pictures
10:11 Admire pictures
Begin work; Realize you need references
Realize its too late today to go to the library
Sudden feeling of having wasted the day
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the
night Decide to turn in early and come back very early
tommorrow morning
Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put
yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your
score and get on the scoreboard.
Realize that your officemate is still at number 6,
two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th
place. A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not
wasted!! Return home to find your roommate watching
David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him about the "hard
working grad student day you had"
Discuss philosophy with roommate
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining
with 4 others
(The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-)
(Comp Sci joke)
Argue with him about politics, why people prefer
Japanese cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot"
or "cold" to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today
Get reminded of the "too much milk problem"
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone
ringer off and go to sleep.
Date: 28 Sep 95 01:15:38 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good evening!
Well, I hope everyone's settling into school life again, it's now about the time of the term
when people can start referring to "the swing of things" and actually refer to something
real.
Blame Heidi for today's message...
Enjoy!
Tony
A colleague recently told Roger Gould, a sociologist at the University of Chicago, about a
lecture, by the philosopher Sidney Morganbesser at Columbia University, referring to
double negatives. Every language, the lecturer observed, has a construction in which two
negatives make a positive. But in English, he said, there's no construction in which two
positives make a negative.
From the hall came the perfect, anonymous response: "Yeah, right."
Date: 29 Sep 95 02:20:09 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Hi Everyone!
Here we go - admin stuff again. First, if you are getting this message more than once
(YASSER) then please email me so that I can fix it. Also, if you have any friends whom
you would like added to this list, please email me their names. If you would like to be
removed from this list, email me and it will be done too. Right about now, the there are
about 300 of you receiving The Farther Side, most, but not all of you are Dartmouth
students. If you have something that you think is funny, I welcome submissions... If you
are brand new to the list, welcome! about 7 people are new today.
Have a great day, and come out to see the Big Green kick Cornell at Memorial Field on
Saturday!!
Enjoy!
Tony
Are You a Real Guy?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out
hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
(1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear-
ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with
your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching
a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of
the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out
false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and
the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks
you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.
--thanks Garth for this submission
Date: 30 Sep 95 02:59:46 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good evening everyone!!
Here's a little top ten-style list thanks to Puckett. Very nice...;-)
Enjoy,
Tony
*TOP 46 THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN STAR TREK*
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it
has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists,
who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called
Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything
is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly
hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
which the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring
the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitator by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer
panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature
called a 'fuse'.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without
serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise saucer section separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange and dangerous
situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which
is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered
without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent
a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without
a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so!"
23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24. Counselor Troi says something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski
show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?
Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual
range, no one says, "On screen."
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one
of the Enterprise's hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the Holodeck (pity this wasn't done
in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape.
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for
a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know
it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net.)
32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves
out after a while without any intervention by boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better
than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having
a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a comedy stand-up routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and
isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easierby the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell
the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being
able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences
that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more than 1 consecutive episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk
DOESN'T get into a fistfight....)
43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't
sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack
by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan
physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones and Kirk laughing at Spock's inability
to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.