Date: 01 Oct 95 05:08:18 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good morning !!!
So it's a little late this time.... oh well, it's the weekend!
Here's a great little Dave Barry story thanks to Jeff...
Enjoy!
Tony
The significant cultural innovation of the fifties was musical -
a new "sound" called "rock and roll," an exciting, high-energy style of
music that, in its raucous disreguard for the gentler, more complacent
tastes of an older generation, reflected the young people's growing
disillusionment with the stultifying, numbing, bourgeois, and
materialistic values of an increasingly homogeneous society through such
lyrics as:
Bomp ba ba bomp
Ba bomp ba bomp bomp
A dang a dang dang
A ding a dong ding,
Blue moon.
Of the many legendary rock performers to emerge during this era -
"Fats" Checker, the Pylons, the Gol-Darnits, Bust and the Harpoons, Bill
Hawley and the Smoots, and so on - the greatest of them all was "The
King," Elvis Presley, who went on the become the largest (Ha-ha!)
record-seller of all time, and who is to this very day sometimes seen in
rural supermarkets.
So there's no question about: By the mid-fifties, America was
definitely in a Golden Era, an era of excitement and opportunity for all
citizens, regardless ofraace or creed or color, unless the color happened
to be black. Then there was a problem. Because at the time the nation
was functioning under the racial dotrine of "Separate but Equal," which
got its name from the fact that black people were required to use
SEPARATE facilities that were EQUAL to the facilities that white people
kept for their domestic animals. This system worked for many decades,
and nobody saw any real reason to change until one day in 1954 when a
group of outside agitators arrived from outer space to file a suit
against the Topeka, Kansas, Board of Education. This lead to the
historic and just Supreme Court ruling, a landmark, that NOBODY, black or
white, should have to go to school in Topeka, Kansas. In just three
short decades the US went from a nation that required blacks to ride on
the back of the bus, to a nation that, because of government cutbacks,
HAD no bus.
Date: 03 Oct 95 00:27:15 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
Here's the News of the Weird for ya. Thanks to Dash for this. I hope you like it.
PLEASE HELP! I'm looking for the names of Canadian Dartmouth students who may be
interested in a little get-together for Thanksgiving this weekend. Please pass on any names
you may have... Thanks
Okay, well, welcome new people, there are many of you! Have a great week!
Enjoy!
Tony
FBMD: News of the Weird [328] - 20May94
Lead Story
* In Indiana over a six-week period in March and April,
four men were involved in public incidents while naked.
A nude man set a fire in a Michigan City, Ind., outlet
store; a man pumped gasoline while nude at a Lebanon,
Ind., station; a nude man claiming to be a pizza
deliverer roamed an Indianapolis apartment complex
(injuring his groin while fleeing as he unsuccessfully
attempted to leap a fence); and a man left nude photos
of himself in a Sullivan, Ind., state park men's room.
All but the gasoline pumper were apprehended. [Toledo
Blade, 3-30-94; 4-2-94; 4-22-94; 3-4-94]
New Rights
* A recent semi-official student pamphlet of George
Mason University in Fairfax, Va., explained that
freedom from discrimination includes gays' and
lesbians' right not to be stood too far away from
during conversations with straights, and minority
students' right not to have white students act
surprised when a minority student performs a task well.
[Roanoke Times & World News-AP, Dec93]
* The Toronto Transit Commission voted in February to
reinstate a 33-year-old man who had been fired because
he took time off from a rail-repairing job in the
middle of the day to go have sex with a prostitute in a
nearby alley. [Sault Star-CP, 2-16-94]
* The Los Angeles Daily News reported in April that the
city's Department of Building and Safety had ordered an
adult nightclub to remove its stage, which was built as
a large shower, where nude dancers would cavort for
customers' enjoyment. Authorities said the shower was
not wheelchair-accessible for disabled nude dancers,
although no such dancers have come forward. [Washington
Times-L. A. Daily News, 4-22-94]
* The Wall Street Journal reported in April on a
potential legal defense being considered by some well-
to-do professionals who fail to file income tax
returns. Such nonfilers should be excused because they
suffer from an anxiety syndrome characterized by "an
overall inability to act in [their] own interest,"
according to a recent New York Law Journal article.
Victims are "highly ambitious, hypercritical, detail-
oriented people," according to a psychiatry professor,
and thus cannot relax, don't know how to delegate, and
tend to procrastinate and become secretive. [Wall
Street Journal, 4-18-94]
* The Washington Post reported in March that several
employees of the Office of Thrift Supervision, which
regulates the savings & loan industry, have threatened
to sue the agency if they are disciplined for playing
"fantasy sports" leagues (such as Rotisserie baseball)
during working hours. Said one, if every such player
at OTS were were disciplined, it would "clean out the
agency." [Washington Post, 3-8-94]
Just Can't Stop Myself
* In September, St. Paul, Minn., police stopped Jimmy
Monk, 39, and confiscated from his car's roof a 20-foot
ladder, which had been reported missing. At the time,
he was awaiting sentencing on two other ladder thefts
and was a suspect in a rash of about two dozen others.
Said a police sergeant, "He just can't seem to walk
past [a ladder] without taking it." [St. Paul Pioneer-
Press, 9-18-93]
* In July, Susumu Suzuki, 45, was arrested in Takasaki,
Japan, and charged with having made approximately 8,500
phone calls to city hall--as many as several hundred a
day--and then hanging up without speaking. He cited as
his motive a 20-year-old snub by city hall when he
applied for a job after graduating from college. And
in September, Mikiko Miyamoto, 43, was charged with
having made as many as 100 similar phone calls a day
for 12 years to a female acquaintance in Tokyo. [[The
Daily Yomiuri, 7-13-93]] [Reuters wirecopy, 9-30-93]
* In Cincinnati in January, Thomas David West was back
in court on charges that he violated his probation by
resuming his practice of impersonating doctors and
lawyers. He was released from prison in June, where he
had served time for impersonating a doctor, among other
identities, and was charged this time with posing as a
lawyer for a Cincinnati firm. When he took the witness
stand at the probation hearing, he said his current
employment was as chief fundraiser of a Kentucky state-
funded project, but officials said there was no such
person. [Cincinnati Enquirer, 1-19-94]
* In April in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Erin Prendergast, 20,
pleaded guilty to 174 more parking violations, with
total fines reaching nearly $5,000. In January, she
had pleaded guilty to 248 parking tickets totaling more
than $7,000. Officials said still more violations
against her were awaiting processing. When the judge
asked how she could accumulate so many violations,
Prendergast, who was described as "affable" by a Cedar
Rapids Gazette reporter, said "I don't know." [Cedar
Rapids Gazette, Jan94, 4-9-94]
* In February Vincent Corda, 64, was taken into custody
at the Stratford, Conn., police station after refusing
to heed numerous demands that he stop taking
photographs of police officers and leave. He had been
there previously, taking officers' photographs, and the
department had secured a restraining order to keep him
away. [New Haven Register, 2-19-94]
Most Dysfunctional Family
* In April, a jury in Canton, Ohio, convicted Estella
Sexton, 47, of sexually abusing her 13-year-old
daughter, one of her 11 children. According to the
girls's brother, their father Eddie Sexton, who is now
in jail in Florida, conducted satanic seances featuring
cat carcasses and the spirits of dead relatives.
Another daughter, Pixie Sexton-Good, recently pleaded
guilty in Florida in the death of her infant son and
agreed to testify against her father and another
brother who will soon stand trial for the death of
Pixie's husband, Joel Good. Furthermore, according to
other siblings, the dead infant was fathered by Eddie
Sexton, but Eddie said one of the brothers did it.
[Columbus Dispatch-AP, 4-6-94; Canton Repository, 4-13-
94, 4-15-94, 4-19-94]
Least Competent People
* In two April incidents, Rogelio Aparicio, 46, in
Manila, and an unidentified man on the steps of the
main police station in Durham, N. C., each pulled out
guns and fired two shots at his own head, in apparent
suicide attempts, missing each time. [[St. Johnsbury
Caledonian-Record, Apr94]] [Greensboro News & Record,
Apr94]
* The "Director's Message" column of the March
newsletter of the Florida chapter of Rev. Donald
Wildmon's American Family Association referred 14 times
to an inside group of "journalists, reporters, and
media mongers" by the term clique, which was misspelled
each time as "click." [Folio Weekly, 3-29-94]
Copyright 1994, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights
reserved. Released for the personal use of readers.
No commercial use may be made of the material or of the
name News of the Weird.
Date: 03 Oct 95 20:43:38 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Here's something from my friend Jennifer that applies to anyone who has ever done
research.
Hey - Email my brother a Happy Birthday message for today! He's 19.
4mlnf@qlink.queensu.ca
Enjoy!
Tony
Subject: Terms for the Research Paper
> Dictionary of Useful Research Phrases
>"It has long been known..."
> I didn't look up the original references
>"A definite trend is evident..."
> This data is practically meaningless
>"Of great theoretical and practical importance..."
> Interesting to me
>"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these
> questions..."
> An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published
>"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..."
> The results of the others didn't make any sense
>"Typical results are shown..."
> The best results are shown
>"These results will be shown in a subsequent report..."
> I might get around to this if I'm pushed
>"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones..."
> He was my graduate assistant
>"It is believed that..."
> I think
>"It is generally believed that..."
> A couple of other guys think so, too
>"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a
> complete understanding of the phenomenon occurs..."
> I don't understand it
>"Correct within an order of magnitude..."
> Wrong
>"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in
> this field..."
> This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable
> topic
>"A careful analysis of obtainable data..."
> Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over my beer
>"Reasonable order of magnitude..."
> Wild guess
>"Non-trivial problem..."
> It doesn't work, but if we throw enough money at it, something's
> bound to happen
>"Within the current state of the art..."
> Maybe we can do it
>"On the leading edge of technology..."
> It ought to be possible - send more money!
>"Given a reasonable preventive maintenance program..."
> Buy our service contract
Date: 05 Oct 95 10:38:26 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
I want to welcome, among other people, a beautiful 21-inch tall Stacey, and of course that
lovely Type-A Amanda to the list (ladies, kill Mike, not me)
Also, thanks to those of you who passed on the Birthday wish to my brother. Apparently
he wasn't expecting 100 messages the other day :-)
And finally before Dave Barry, here's a newsflash prepared by Will about an event which
took me rather by surprise... so be careful.
And to close off, some Dave Barry and a note from the source, Jeff.
Enjoy!
Tony
INNOCUOUS "THE FARTHER SIDE" MESSAGES PROVOKE HARASSMENT
'SUIT' AT MAJOR
CANADIAN UNIVERSITY
The danger of forwarding Tony's messages (this actually happened this week at the
University of Guelph, Ontario): An anonymous member of the (in)famous TFS list
forwarded some recent "The Farther Side" messages to a residence-hall floormate. It
seems that the recipient did not appreciate Tony's acute sense of humour, because shortly
afterwards, the anonymous member (let's call him "Ted") was informed that the floormate
(call her "Jane") had filed a harassment complaint against him. The reason for the
complaint was simply WE'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR COMPUTER SHIT.
"The Farther Side" patrons BEWARE: this could happen to YOU.
(Just be glad you are not Tony Field. Tony is approximately 300 times more likely than
any given member on the list to be charged with harassment.)
-----------------------------------
(yipes!)
-----------------------------------
As a youth, Chrisopher Columbus spent many hours gazing out to sea and thinking to
himself: "Someday I will be the cause of a holiday observed by millions of government
workers." The fact that he thought in English was only one of the amazing things about
young Columbus. Another was his conviction that if he sailed across the Atlantic, he
would reach India. We now know, thanks to satellite photographs, that this makes him
seem as stupid as a buffalo, although it sounded pretty good when Columbus explained it
to the rulers of Spain, Ferdinand and his lovely wife, Imelda, who agreed to finance the
voyage by selling six thousand pairs of her shoes.
And so Columbus assembled a group of the hardiest mariners he could find (hardy
in the sense of, "not tremendously bright."). These
fellows were so hardy that, had the light bulb been invented at the time, it would have taken
at least three of these amriners to screw one in, if you get our drift. On October 8, 1492,
they set out across the storm-tossed Atlantic in three tiny ships, the Ninja, the Pina Colada,
and the Heidi-Ho III. Fortunately Columbus kept a detailed log, so we can get some sense
of hos long and arduous their journey was from revealing excerpts such as this:
October 8 - Boy, is this journey ever long! Also arduous!
But finally, after numerous storm-tossed weeks, just when it seemed as if
Columbus and his men would never see land again, there came an excited cry from the
lookout.
"Hey!" he cried. "We forgot to put up the sails!"
And so they all had a hearty laugh, after which they hoisted the damned things. A
few hours later, on October 8, they came to an island, where Columbus and a convenient
interpreter waded ashore and had the following historic conversation with a local tribal
chief:
COLUMBUS: You guys are Indians, right?
CHIEF: K'ham anonoda jawe. ("No. We came over from Asia about twenty
thousand years ago via the Land Bridge.")
COLUMBUS: Listen, we have spent many weeks looking for India in
these three storm-tossed, vomit-encrusted ships, and we have many connons pointed at
your wigwams, and we say you are Indians.
CHIEF: B'nomi kawa saki! ("Welcome to India!")
-----------------------------------
If anyone is interested in being put on a list that will send out Dave Barry quotes on a daily
basis, email Jeff in Maine: clukeyjp@acad.umm.maine.edu
Date: 10 Oct 95 12:28:27 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Well, back online after a brief vacation...
Getting back down to business.... this one goes out to all of you English majors out there.
Good luck!
Enjoy!
Tony
To those of you who are native speakers of this fine language, you'll
find this amusing. For those of you who aren't, let me know if any of this
ever confused you!
>
>
> Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
> nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
> English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
> Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
>
> We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
> quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
> neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
>
> And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
> groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
> the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
> index, 2 indices?
>
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend,that
> you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a
> bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
> call it?
>
> If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
> vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
> you bote your tongue?
>
> Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
> for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
> play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
> run and feet that smell?
>
> How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
> wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
> quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as
> hell one day and cold as hell another.
>
> Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
> absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
> sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
> who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all
> those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
>
> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
> can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
> out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
>
> English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
> That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
> lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I
> start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Date: 12 Oct 95 01:08:42 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
I present Dave Barry's History Quiz:
Enjoy,
Tony
The Dave Barry History Quiz Discussion Questions From:
Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States
1. Would you buy a car from a dealership that ran one of those obnoxious
shouting radio commercials? Neither would we.
2. Have you noticed that you hardly ever see Zippo lighters anymore?
Explain.
3. Are you aware that there is a traditional British dish called
"cock-a-leeky soup"? Really.
4. There's no IRT stop at 104th street is there?
5. Did you ever purchase time at a time-sharing resort? You did? Ha-ha!
6. This question is not technically related to early Spanish
explorations, but we are curious: In the song "Louis Louis," by the
Kingsmen, do you think they are singing dirty words? Cite examples.
7. Why only hooved animals?
8. Did any of your ancestors come over on the Mayflower? So what?
9. If you were the Detriot Lions, would you be ticked off about always
having to play on Thanksgiving Day? Explain.
10. How come if the country is called "Holland," the people are called
"Dutch"?
11. Have you ever noticed that on those rare occasions when you do need
turpentine, the can, which you bought in 1978 and have been moving from
household to household ever since, is always empty?
12. So you feel that people who insist upon referring to themselves as
"doctor" simply because they hold Ph.D. degrees, which are about as rare
as air molecules, tend to be self-important weenies? And what about the
use of the word "professional," as in "automotive sales professional"?
Does that make you want to puke or what? Explain.
13. Do you think Unitas should have started for the Colts?
14. What the hell ARE chick-peas anyway?
15. Have you ever flushed anything inappropriate down a tiolet? Explain.
16. How come, in the famous oil painting by Emanuel Leutze, it looks like
George Washington has a group about the size of the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir in his rowboat?
17. Whatever happened to the Hessian? You never see them around.
18. How come history books never have sex scenes? You know, like: "James
Madison, unable to restrain his passion any longer, thrust his
ink-engorged pen into the second draft of the Federalist Papers."
19. Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed
of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a
helicopter. How long, traveling at top speed, will it take the cow to
travel 360 feet?
20. Define the following: "dirtbag."
21. Just who is Kitty Carlisle, anyway?
22. In the song "She'll Be Comin' 'Round the Mountain When She Comes,"
why do they announce so cheerfully that they intend to "kill the old red
rooster when she comes"? Is it some kind of ritual thing? Or is it they
just hate the old red rooster, because maybe it pecked them or something
when they were children, and now they're just using the fact that she'll
be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes as an excuse to kill it?
Explain.
23. Ancay ooyay eakspay igpay atinlay? Explain.
24. Define the following: "Wooo-EEEE!"
25. If Lincoln had a beard, where did he apply his rouge?
26. Can you name a famous person for whom a service plaza is named?
(Hint: Vince Lombardi.)
27. What is "rip-snortin'" anyway? Should it be legal?
28. Do you have any second cousins? So what?
29. You know what really ticks me off? The way the Boston Celtics bitch
and moan every time a foul is called on them.
30. What does "all and all" mean anyway?
31. How about "by and large"?
32. A dwarf goat?
33. What do coal companies do with coal anyway? You never see it for sale.
34. Is "Big Apple" a stupid nickname or what? Explain.
35. Did you ever see the movie "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"? Explain.
36. You know how they always tell you on the evening news that the stock
market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in
mixed activity, of whatever? Well, who gives a shit?
37. What did the "S" in Harry S Truman's name stand for? (Hint: "Lucille")
38. Remeber when the United States was supposed to switch over to the
metric system, and the federal government put up road signs in
kilometers, and in some areas people actually SHOT the signs down?
Wasn't that great?
39. Do you think "Checkers" is a good name for a dog? What about
"Booger"? Explain.
40. Do you think we've had enough Winston Churchill jokes? Explain.
41. Have you, or anyone you've ever met, found ANY use for the cosine?
We didn't think so.
42. Didn't you, even when you were sitting around with your friends
pretending to be REALLY enthralled, secretly hate sitar music? Admit it.
43. How do they know what gender a mollusk is?
44. How about we go get a beer?
EXTRA CREDIT: Try to think up a campaign slogan even more insane than "I
like Ike!" (Hint: This is NOT possible).
Date: 13 Oct 95 07:20:04 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Happy Friday the 13th everyone :-)
Now a little blonde humour thanks to Rob...
Enjoy,
Tony
>A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician
>approached the chair where the blonde was waiting she noticed that she
>was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling
>booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can
>cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut
>around it."
>
>The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few
>minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just
>can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman.
>Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I can't live without it,
>just cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and
>finally had had enough.
>
>The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman
>off the blonde. Justas she did so the blonde fell out off the chair
>and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to
>discover she was stone cold dead. All were stunned! The beautician
>lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to
>the blonde.
>
>In a soft but commanding voice she heard,"Breathe in.......... Breathe
>out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe
>in.......... Breathe out............"
Date: 14 Oct 95 02:42:17 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Before we get started, here's a plea from a friend of mine:
My ID pouch and attached keys were taken from the East Baker computer cluster today
between 5 and 5:30. If you know where they are, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me
know - the contents are of little value to someone else but of great value to me. blitz
"ewok" with info.
Well, I'm off to the beautiful vacation town of New Haven with the Marching Band to
watch the football team Impale Yale... I'l be there from 6am to 10pm. (i.e. you won't be
able to get in touch with me. Have a great weekend!!
Here's a little story about relationships thank to Heidi... :-)
enjoy!
Tony
RELATIONSHIPS
CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term,
stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course
this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely
difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term
relationship.
Let's say a guy named Mike is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her
out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later,
he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud
silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said
that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks
I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or
isn't sure of.
And Mike is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have
time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are,
moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to
keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Mike is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more
intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it --
that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so
reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.
And Mike is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again.
I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they
better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather?
It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
COMMUNICATIONS GAP
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too.
God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
feel. I'm just not sure.
And Mike is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's
exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to
come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly
good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a
person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Mike is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Mike," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Mike, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to
brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . ."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Mike.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really
know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Mike.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Mike, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Mike, thinking as fast as he can, tries to
come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks
might work.)
"Yes," he says.
A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Mike, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Mike.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Mike. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Mike," she says.
"Thank you," says Mike.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul,
and weeps until dawn, whereas when Mike gets back to his place, he opens a bag
of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a
rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny
voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going
on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
(This is also Mike's policy regarding world hunger.)
IT'S ANALYSIS TIME
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and
they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going
over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for
nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Mike, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his
and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did
Elaine ever own a horse?"
We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking
about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot
communicate meaningfully with Mike about their relationship any more than she
can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Mike's
thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
Huh?
But the point here is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a
successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is:
1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his
brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday
conversation, such as:
-- "Mike, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, in as much as we
have a relationship?"
-- "Wake up, Mike! There's a prowler in the den and we have a
relationship! You and I do, I mean."
-- "Good News, Mike! The gynecologist says we're going to have our
fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have
a relationship!"
-- "Mike, in as much as this plane is crashing and we probably have only
about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53
years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship."
Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually
it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start
thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about
women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We
have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing." And he will sincerely mean it.
The next relationship-enhancement tip is:
2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment.
By "hasty," I mean, "within your lifetime." Guys are extremely reluctant to
make commitments. This is because they never feel ready.
"I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready to make a
commitment." Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were
turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and
they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.
Date: 16 Oct 95 02:59:37 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
The information age is apparently quite far reaching....
Enjoy!
Tony
How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"
(source unknown)
If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a
cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you
still don't miss her
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck,
tractor, or farm animal
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all"
Date: 17 Oct 95 02:36:22 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
Here's a little story for all you up and coming professionals to consider... Thank to Dave
at York for this one.
As usual, if you would no longer like to receive The Farther Side, or if you have a friend
whom you would like me to add to this list, please just drop me a quick note.
Enjoy!
Tony
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the
rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the
store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step
behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk
faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come
out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a
hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of
rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront
at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,
now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks
long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light
post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San
Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his
legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as
the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze
lawyer."
Date: 18 Oct 95 07:28:44 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Sorry this is a little late for today, but I've been studying for my midterm. I've provided
the sample questions below. Care to help me out? (thanks to Dan for this one)
BUT WAIT! I have an announcement from Big Sam...
Fall Fling tickets are on sale and going fast - so buy your tickets before Saturday! The
Decibelles host the Aires and the Tufts Beelezebubs.
Check it out!!
Enjoy,
tony
Instructions
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin
immediately.
History
Descrive the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating
especially but not exclusively, on it social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical
impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch.
Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have
fifeteen minutes.
Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any
ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if the form of life had
developed 50 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the
English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a
piano under your seat.
Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works evaluate the emotional stability, degree of
adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodites,
Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from
each man's work, making appropriate refrences. It is not necessary to translate.
Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct
an experiment to test your theory.
Engineering
The dissassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will
also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger
will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to
justify your decision.
Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your
plan in the followin areas. Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.
Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points
of view. Point out the deficienceis in your point of view, as demonstrated in you answer to
the last question.
Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on
it socio-political effects if any.
Epistemology
Take a postion for or against truth. Prove the validity of your postion.
Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the
development of mathematics on science.
Astronomy
Define the universe. Give three examples.
General Knowledge
Descrive in detail. Be objective and specific.
Date: 19 Oct 95 01:50:11 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Good evening!!
An early night tonight for me ;-)
Here's a little Dave Barry for the masses thanks to Jeff...
Enjoy!
tony
By the sixteenth century at approximately 4:30 P.M., England was
experiencing a Renaissance. This took the form of Ben Jonson and of
course William Shakespeare, the immortal "Barge of Avon," whose plays
continue to amuse us to this very day with such hilarious and timely
lines as:
What dost thine finder knowest of thine face?
The weg-barrow canst not its row'l misplace!
(From Antony and Cleopatra IV: Return of the Fungus People, Act
II, Scene iii, seats 103 and 104.)
Ha-ha! Whew! Excuse us while we wipe away several tears of
helpless laughter! This Golden Age in England was called the Elizabethan
Era, after the queen, Elizabeth Ann Era, who was known as the "Virgin
Queen" because it was not considered a tremendously smart move to call
her the "Really Ugly Queen." She inspired many men to leave England on
extremely long voyages, which led to expansion.
The first prominent expanding English person was Sir Frances
Drake, who, on one of the most famous dates in English history, October
8, defeated the Spanish Armada (El Armadillo de Espana). This was a
biggish armada that had ruled the seas for many years, and nobody could
defeat it until Sir Frances Drake employed the classic military maneuver
of hiding his entire fleet inside a gigantic horse shaped like a Trojan.
As you can imagine, this maneuver worked to perfection, and soon the
English ruled the waves, which lead to the writing of the hit song (and
books, a series of twenty-four unopened volumes), "Hail Britannica":
Hail Britannica!
Britannica dum de dum.
Dum dum, da de dum dum
Da DEE dum DUM!!
(repeat chorus)
Date: 20 Oct 95 13:49:44 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
I know this is a little early... but I have an announcement about some musical performances
tomorrow evening... They're at the bottom.
So... did anyone get their midterms back yet...?
Enjoy,
Tony
(you may have seen this before. Thanks Chris and Scott)
Dear Mother and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I'm
sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I'll bring you up to date now,
but before you read on, please sit down. OK?
Well, then, I'm getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got
when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire shortly after my
arrival here are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I can see
almost normally and get these sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the
dormitory and my jump to saftey were witnessed by a fellow and he called the fire
department and an ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to
stay because of the burned-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him. Actually it's not an apartment but a basement room since he is a janitor
in an apartment building near the college. He is a fine fellow, even though he's a high
school dropout, and we have a lot in common. We had a number of his friends at the
wedding. When the guru married us everyone threw flowers and cheered, his friends and
mine. In fact they all stayed at the apartment with us and are still there. They say they will
move out after the baby comes. Of course when we march in protest everyone takes care
that I don't tire myself too much. And I always get a seat in the patrol wagon.
Now that I have brought you up to date I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I
didn't have a concussion, I was not in the hospital, and I am not married or even engaged.
However, I'm getting a 'D' in history and an 'F' in science, and I wanted you to see those
marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter
########################################################
Hey Everybody! If you love a capella, then be sure not to miss
Dartmouth College's finest six-man a capella doo-wop quartet... SPONTANEOUS
COMBUSTION!
For those of you who don't remember the '93's, come to the Top of the Hop Saturday
night after the Fall Fling and hear these guys perform songs from the Fifties and Sixties, as
well as a few modern favorites (Kiss the Girl and Psycho Killer). It's free, and who
knows, maybe the ghost of Elvis will show up!
Sam
Date: 21 Oct 95 07:42:25 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Twilight Song
Softly now the early twilight
Thro' the trees is stealing down,
And the evening hush is falling
O'er the college and the town.
Come and gather on the campus,
Make the grey old maples ring
With the songs of Alma Mater,
With the songs we love to sing.
For the dear old college home, boys,
For the happy, happy days;
For our glorious Alma Mater,
Shake the campus with her praise.
Brothers, while the shadows deepen,
While we stand here heart to heart,
Let us promise one another
In the silence ere we part:
We will make our lives usccessful,
We will keep our hands from shame
For the sake of Dear of Dartmouth
And the honor of her name.
Happy 100th Homecoming!
Date: 22 Oct 95 17:47:34 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Two things today...
First a true story from my friend Michelle, a little worried about mommy. Second, a song
in memory of Shannon Hoon, lead singer/songwriter of Blind Melon, who died yesterday
afternoon in his sleep.
Enjoy,
Tony
>Subject: ...So you are all friends with a paranoid freak...
Yesterday I was on the phone with my mom--we had been talking for about an hour when
all of a sudden the line got cut off. I figured she had just hit a button on the phone--so I
tried calling her back after about a minute or so. I let the phone ring for a while, but she
didn't pick it up. I continued
to call back for about five minutes, and then started to get worried. I couldn't figure out
why she wasn't picking up the phone. So I tried my dad's business line (also in the
house), but the answering machine picked up--that led me to believe that the phone lines
were fine. I didn't know what to do, and of course I'm sitting in my dorm room picturing
someone holding my mom at gunpoint--so I called information in New Jersey and got the
number of the police. When I got the dispatcher, I explained what had happened, and she
said she would send someone right over. By this time, at least fifteen minutes had passed
since I had originally gotten cut off, so I was really scared. After panicking for the next
seven or eight minutes, scaring Stacie (my roommate) and myself to the point of tears, I got
a call from my mom. She was laughing hysterically!! She said that she heard the doorbell,
and when she went to answer it, she saw it was the police. The first thing she thought was
they were there questioning her as to why she still had New York plates on her car!!!
Then she thought that maybe the house alarm was going off and she didn't hear it. The cop
explained that they had
gotten a call from her (psychotic) daughter in Virginia--and was everything all right?! My
mom said about thirty seconds later, two more cop cars pulled up to the house. (Let's just
say my faith in the Galloway Township police is definately restored!) It turns out that our
phone has been causing some
problems recently, and you have to actually unplug the system for 10-15 minutes before
making any calls. (Not like I would have known that, mind you)
So of course, everything was fine...just call me an overprotective daughter!!
>From: MLLOVUOL@VAX1.ACS.JMU.EDU
>Date: Sat, 21 Oct 1995 16:32:29 -0500 (EST)
############################################
Change
--Blind Melon--
I don't feel the sun's coming out today
It's staying in, it's gonna find another way
As I sit here in this misery,
Don't think I'll ever see the sun from here.
And oh as I fade away,
They'll all look at me and say,
Hey look at him!! I'll never live that way.
But that's okay, they're just afraid to change.
When you feel your life ain't worth living
You've got to stand up
And take a look around you then
Look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming boy,
Cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die
And as we all play darts of tomorrow
Some ways will work and other ways we'll play.
But I konw we can't all stay here forever
So I want to write my words on the face of today
...And then they'll paint it.
And oh as I fade away,
They'll all look at me and say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.
Date: 26 Oct 95 02:13:22 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's a little something in response to Windows '95 thanks to James. This one is actually
good...;-)
Enjoy,
Tony
My wife got a car sun shade at the local Win 95 launch event and on
one side it says:
I was there at the start.
On the other side it says:
I need assistance.
Please Call Police.
= = = = = = =
From: wje@netcom.com (William J. Evans)
Subject: Windows 95: just add...
Organization: better, but not good enough yet
An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked,
"Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?"
The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with
Windows 95 _without_ a computer than _with_ one."
= = = = = = =
From: des@bristol.st.com (David Shepherd)
Subject: What you can't get for $12 billion
At yesterdays Windows 95 launch event in London after seeing the Bill
Gates video addres, Jonathon Ross, who was compere-ing the event, is
reported to have told the assembled guests "money can buy you many
things, but it does not necessarily buy a decent haircut".
= = = = = = =
From: azacher@beta.tricity.wsu.edu (Alan H. Zacher)
Subject: Win9x: REM Ad themesong
After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad
purposes, it came to me that it might have been:
LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher
to the tune of Losing My Religion
(Appologies to REM)
Windoze is bigger
It's bigger than Earth
But not quite as big as
The things that I must do now
To upgrade all my stuff
Oh no I need more RAM
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me on the help line
Losing my connection
Trying to keep up with OS/2
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I need more RAM
I haven't bought enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
Every nightmare
Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm
Purchasing new hardware
Trying to cool my CPU
Like a Pentium that become a 286
Oh no I need more RAM
Resistance is futile.
Consider this
The OS of the century
Consider this
The OS that brought me
To my knees failed
Now all these open apps have
Come crashing down
Now I need more RAM
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you Ping!
I think I thought I saw a GPF
But that was just a dream
I hope that was a dream...
= = = = = = =
From: ianb@netcom.com (Ian Barkley-Yeung)
Subject: Microsoft
I just got a fax from the Microsoft 'fast tips' automatic support
line. The banner said, in big, bold letters:
MICROSOFT
ONE MICROSOFT WAY
I though, is that their address -- or their marketing plan?
= = = = = = =
From: wayne@auspex.com (Wayne Hathaway)
Organization: Auspex Systems
Subject: About Windows 95 ad campaign
It dawned on me yesterday exactly why Microsoft chose "Start Me Up"
instead of all the other possible Stones songs: It's the only one
with a title short enough to fit in a filename.
= = = = = = =
From: ashley@netcom.com (mark ashley)
Subject: Idiot's Guide to Windows 95 Ads
Multitasking
You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting !
Built-in Networking
You can crash several PC's all at once.
No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.
Microsoft Network
Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your
crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will
be organized.
PnP
Plug and Pray (that it works)
Multimedia
Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing.
Compatible with existing software
It will also crash your existing software.
Increased Productivity
You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products*
like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer !
That's product-ivity.
User-Friendly
Picture of clouds
State of the Art
Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art.
MacIntosh-like
It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original.
Online Registration
Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive.
This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the
rest of your life.
MS Plus
More money for Bill's plus side.
Optimize
It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu
so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system.
See "Increased Productivity".
Date: 27 Oct 95 03:00:01 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field, Jennifer L. Matthews
Greetings...
Many of you know that there is a major referendum in Quebec on Monday regarding
Quebec's relationship with the rest of Canada. As it stands now, there is no way to tell
whether or not Quebecers will decide to separate. This could dramatically change the shape
of Canada, and have all sorts of nasty consequences if Canada is split this way.
Personally, I would hate to see this happen. Quebec has been an important part of Canada
for hundreds of years, and I am proud to be a citizen of a country that can accomodate so
many different kinds of people, including Quebec. It is my deepest wish that the people of
Quebec will decide to remain as a part of the greatest country in the world by choosing
"No" on Monday. There is a rally in Montreal tomorrow, and tens of thousands of proud
Canadians will be travelling from tens to thousands of miles to show the people of Quebec
that we want them to stay and remain part of our great nation.
More information on this is available at many internet sites, including the international
intenet paper The Daily News:
http://www.cfn.cs.dal.ca/Media/TodaysNews/
If you are interested in travelling to Montreal tomorrow to help save Canada, please contact
Jennifer Matthews
Jennifer.Matthews@Dartmouth.Edu
Thanks very much for your attention to this very serious and emotional matter,
Tony
############################
And now a few thoughts on Academics thanks to Amit...
Enjoy,
Tony
Degrees and questions:
Engineering: "How does this work?"
Physics: "Why does this work?"
Management: "When will this work?"
Liberal arts: "Do you want some fries with that?"
Date: 28 Oct 95 01:09:47 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
At the end of this is a huge section containing information about the Quebec Referendum
situation. People are responding. If you can read the french part, look at it, it has lots of
information contained nowhere else. What a scary situation...:-(
And for the humour: A classic. Thanks Dave...
Enjoy,
Tony
>>
>>THE GIFT
>>
>>A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
>>birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
>>consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
>>note....Romantic, but not too personal.
>>
>>Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears
>>and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a
>>pair of panties for herself.
>>
>>During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
>>got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking
>>the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart
>>along with this note:
>>
>>Darling,
>>
>>I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
>>wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
>>your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
>>wears short ones that are easy to remove.
>>
>>These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed
>>me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they
>>were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
>>really smart.
>>
>>I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no
>>doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a
>>chance to see you again.
>>
>>When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting
>>them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
>>Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
>>I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
>>
>>All My Love
>>
>>P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
>>showing.
############################################################
Chretien, Bouchard make pleas
New poll shows race too close to call
By DANIEL SANGER -- The Canadian Press
Quebecers could kill a country that's the envy of the world if they vote
to separate from Canada in
Monday's referendum, Prime Minister Jean Chretien said in an appeal for
Canadian unity.
"The end of Canada will be nothing less than the end of a dream, the end
of a country that has made us
the envy of the world," Chretien said in a historic address on national
television.
"I say to my fellow Quebecers, don't let anyone take away or diminish
what we have accomplished. Do
not lose faith in this country."
Too close
A poll released late last night shows the race is too close to call.
A CROP poll conducted between Oct. 19 and 23 found 44.5 per cent of
decided Quebecers supported
the Yes side and 42.2 per cent of those who were surveyed supported the
No side.
The survey, commissioned by the Montreal newspaper La Presse, the
Toronto Star and the
French-language television network TVA, found that 13.2 per cent of
voters were undecided.
The poll's margin of error was plus or minus three percentage points and
the results are considered
accurate 19 times in 20.
The last three polls have put the two sides in a virtual tie in terms of
public support.
Chretien's speech was the first time he had used the Broadcasting Act to
address Canadians.
The federalist referendum campaign has been scrambling over the past few
days while the separatist
campaign has rolled along and ahead in some polls.
With the speech, Chretien made it clear he'll fight the final days of
the referendum with pleas to
Quebecers not to break up Canada rather than promises for change.
"Have you found one reason, one good reason, to destroy Canada?" he
asked.
Lucien Bouchard, in his response to Chretien's remarks, belittled the
prime minister's efforts to
embrace Quebec.
"Right from the beginning the leaders of the No camp have refused to
suggest any changes at all to the
Canadian system," he said. "Inaction has become their watchword."
"Mr. Jean Chretien, who blocked the way for the Quebec advance towards
sovereignty and recognition
as a people each time they wanted to act as a nation, now has the gall
to try to make us believe he's
prepared to consider a recognition of the distinct character of Quebec.
"How can he ask us to put ourselves at his mercy by a second No?
"We will not be duped," he said. "The broken promises from '80 and the
odious blow in 1982 are too
fresh in our memories," he said.
Chretien warned anyone voting Yes to give Quebec a better bargaining
position not to be fooled.
"A Yes vote means the destruction of the political and economic union we
already enjoy," said
Chretien. "Nothing more."
He said "Quebecers would be made foreigners in their own country," if
they vote Yes.
At a Yes rally in Montreal, the Chretien and Bouchard speeches were
shown to 7,000 Quebec-flag
waving separatists on two huge screens in a hockey arena.
The crowd often drowned out Chretien's words with boos and chanted
"sell-out" throughout his
speech.
They also sang "Nah-Nah-Nah-Hey-Hey-Goodbye" - popular at hockey games
when the visiting team
is losing in the final minutes of the game.
By contrast, they cheered Bouchard but mostly listened quietly and
respectively to the speech of their de
facto leader.
Clinton makes appeal for unity
By CHRIS MORRIS -- The Canadian Press & Southam
WASHINGTON - U.S. President Bill Clinton came out in support of a united
Canada yesterday,
calling it a country that's a model for the world.
Clinton took time out from a news conference on the U.S. budget battle
to pay tribute to Canada.
"I can tell you that a strong and united Canada has been a wonderful
partner for the United States and
an incredibly important and constructive citizen throughout the entire
world," he said.
Clinton said he wanted to be careful in commenting on the Canadian
situation, and repeated the usual
caution that Monday's referendum is an internal matter for Canadians to
decide.
"Just since I have been president, I have seen how it works, how our
partnership works, how the
leadership of Canada in so many ways throughout the world works, and
what it means to the rest of the
world to think there's a country like Canada where things basically
work."
He said everybody has problems, but Canada appears to be a country with
the right values, heading in
the right direction.
"They've been a strong and powerful ally of ours and I have to tell you
that I hope we'll be able to
continue that. I have to say that I hope that will continue."
Clinton is the second international leader to comment on the matter this
week. On Monday, French
President Jacques Chirac said France would recognize an independent
Quebec.
Far beyond
Clinton's remarks went far beyond the usual circumspect comments of U.S.
administration officials on
the question of Quebec.
There were signals throughout yesterday that the president wanted to
make a statement about the
referendum.
Earlier in the day, White House spokesman Mike McCurry told reporters
the U.S. administration hopes
it will be able to continue its relationship with a strong and united
Canada.
He also said an independent Quebec would not be able to automatically
join the North American Free
Trade Agreement - the clearest statement to date by a U.S. government
spokesman on the issue.
But Clinton went further. He skipped over U.S. reporters clamoring for
comments to take a question
from a Canadian reporter, and made it clear the United States likes
Canada just the way it is.
"When I was in Canada last year, I said that I thought Canada had served
as a model to the United
States and to the entire world about how people of different cultures
could live together in harmony,
respecting their differences but working together," he said.
Until Clinton's comments, the strongest statement about Quebec
separation had come from Secretary of
State Warren Christopher.
He said last week no one should assume ties would remain the same
between the United States and "a
different kind of organization" north of the border.
The day after Christopher's warning Quebec bluntly told the U.S. to butt
out of the referendum
campaign, warning Quebecers will never forgive Americans if they
influence the outcome of Monday's
vote.
The warning came in a letter from Quebec's deputy premier, Bernard
Landry, to Christopher.
The letter, obtained by Southam News, is dated Oct. 19 - the day after
Christopher praised
Washington's relations with a "strong and united Canada" and warned that
an independent Quebec
could not "take for granted" the same close ties.
Crossed the line
Landry suggests in the letter that Christopher crossed the line of
strict neutrality usually adopted by
American administrations in discussing the future of Quebec. And he
suggests that relations between
Quebec and the U.S. could be damaged for years as a result, whatever the
outcome of the referendum.
Yesterday's appeal from Clinton "shows how much impact (Landry) has,"
said a Canadian official.
Oh, won't you stay: Canadians head to Montreal to urge
No vote
By MICHAEL MacDONALD -- The Canadian Press
The Crusade for Canada is on.
Canadians across the country are preparing to board thousands of planes,
trains and automobiles to take
their message of national unity to Quebecers.
Most estimates suggest somewhere from a few thousand to 25,000 people
could attend the rally at
Montreal's Place du Canada tomorrow. But Montreal police say they're
preparing for as many as
200,000 people, which would make this a gathering of record proportions.
"We're simply going to stand in silent testimony, silent sentinels to
their powerful feeling about the
country," said Brian Tobin, federal fisheries minister and organizer of
the campaign he has dubbed the
Crusade for Canada.
"Canadians from coast to coast ... are finding a wide variety of ways to
stand up and be counted for
Canada."
Prime Minister Jean Chretien will headline the event and there were
rumors a few premiers might even
make an appearance to rally the Quebec troops before Monday's historic
referendum.
But last night Quebec's chief electoral officer threw a wrench in the
works, ordering Canadian Airlines
and Air Canada to cancel the cheap fares they're offering to get
Canadians to the rally.
The two airlines offered cut-rate "unity fares" Tuesday, slashing the
price of fares to Montreal by up to
90 per cent.
The unity fare was $199 for flights that are more than 800 kilometres
and $99 for anything inside that
range.
The special fares constitute a political expense under the terms of
Quebec's referendum legislation and
have not been approved, Pierre F. Cote said in a statement released last
night.
Cote also said it's against Quebec law to offer ticket prices during a
referendum campaign different
from those offered at other times of the year.
His declaration was particularly aimed at Canadian Airlines but
applicable to any other transport
companies tempted to make the same offer.
George Byrtus and his wife Pamela plan to board a bus in Ottawa and head
to the rally.
"I want the country to stay together. I think emotion plays a large part
in this contest." said Byrtus, a
retiree. "I'm also sending a message to our MPs and other politicians
that we've been doing a fairly
lackadaisical job of accommodating all the people in this country with a
reasonable constitution - and
not just for Quebec."
Byrtus admitted that he probably wouldn't be going to the rally if the
race between the Yes and No
forces wasn't so close.
Similar sentiments were echoed coast to coast yesterday.
In Ottawa, about 20 runners jogged laps around Parliament Hill carrying
the flags of all the provinces
and territories.
Ottawa's regional government, meanwhile, said it will give employees the
day off Friday to join the
Montreal rally. And on Sunday, a convoy of 1,000 cars festooned with
Canadian flags is expected to
make the two-hour trip to Montreal.
In Winnipeg, Manitoba's Lt.-Gov. Yvon Dumont pleaded with Quebecers to
say No to separation,
saying the province is the home of his Metis ancestors.
At least 100 Saskatchewan residents are expected to sign up for a
charter flight to Montreal. "It's
steamrolling," said organizer Glen Hamilton.
"We started with plans to charter one flight out of Regina. Now it looks
like we'll be flying out of
Saskatoon and Regina because of the response."
150,000 rally in Montreal against Quebec secession
(c) 1995 Copyright Nando.net
(c) 1995 N.Y. Times News Service
MONTREAL (Oct 27, 1995 - 23:24 EDT) -- In an eruption of national pride
and patriotism, tens of
thousands of Canadians poured into Montreal from across Canada on Friday
to call for unity and urge
Quebec to remain part of their country.
At the Place du Canada in downtown Montreal, a crowd estimated at
150,000 waved the Maple Leaf flag of
Canada and the fleurs-de-lis flag of Quebec and sang the national
anthem, hoping to convince the
French-speaking people of Quebec to vote No in their independence
referendum on Monday.
What had started as a grass-roots call to show solidarity with Quebecers
mushroomed into an emotional
national event, drawing people from as far away as the Yukon who rushed
here, many of them taking
advantage of special cut-rate "unity fares" offered by rail, bus, and
airline companies. It was the biggest
demonstration in recent years in Quebec's commercial capital and
Canada's second-largest city after Toronto.
Donna Anderson, 30, an accounting clerk who lives in Great Slave Lake,
in northern Alberta, drove four
hours to Edmonton on Thursday with three friends, and continued here by
plane. "I don't want to see
Quebec leave," she said.
Bill Whyte, from Fergus, Ontario, where he worked 37 years in a rolling
mill, heard the news of the coming
rally on Thursday on the radio. He couldn't get a seat on a bus, so he
hopped in his car for the nine-hour
drive. "Too bad Canadians couldn't get together like this more often,"
he said.
Jeff Metcalfe, 22, an engineering student at Queens University in
Kingston, Ontario, decided to run, bike,
and roller-blade more than 100 miles with seven friends, who, like him,
were unable to find a seat on a bus.
It took them 19 hours. Metcalfe was too elated to be exhausted after
only a half-hour of sleep.
"We came out here to have fun and celebrate being Canadian," he said,
exuberantly waving a Canadian flag
in the blustery wind that swept over the heads of the crowd.
Barbara Williams, a freelance writer from Toronto, born in Cheshire,
England, couldn't sleep Thursday
night in anticipation of meeting her 4:30 a.m. bus from Toronto. She
shouted, waved two flags and sang
"Oh, Canada" during the speeches by Prime Minister Jean Chretien; the
Conservative leader, Jean Charest,
and the Quebec Liberal leader, Daniel Johnson. "I love this country,"
she said passionately. "I think it's the
best country in the world, and I felt I had to do something to keep it
together."
The No camp hopes such last-minute outpourings of sentiment will
influence enough Quebecers to tip the
balance Monday. Although most political analysts consider the race too
close to call, latest polls give a slight
edge to the separatists.
Prime Minister Chretien, a French Quebecer himself, now fighting the
campaign of his life to keep his
country intact, told the huge crowd: "We participated in the building of
this country. We will make sure that
Canada will move into the 21st century united from sea to sea, proud of
its two official languages."
Recent gains by the separatists have caught federalists off guard. Until
three weeks ago, polls showed them
comfortably in the lead. Having lost so much ground so quickly, Chretien
has completely altered his
strategy, which had been to keep the government on a business as usual
basis and to profess a lack of
concern about the referendum. The accepted wisdom had been that
separatists would lose this time by a
margin about as great as when they last made a bid for nationhood in
1980. Then they lost 60 percent to 40
percent.
But in recent days the Cabinet has been described as in something close
to panic. Chretien has dropped all
other duties to concentrate on the referendum. In the past three days,
he has made two major speeches in
Montreal and appeared on a Montreal radio talk show in efforts to rescue
the campaign in its final days.
The initial idea for Friday's rally came from the Quebec Business
Council, which sought a focal point for
federalist voters in the windup days of the campaign. Last Tuesday, the
federal fisheries minister, Brian
Tobin, said he planned to attend such a meeting and called on Canadians
outside the province to join him.
His words were carried by the mass media, and the snowball started
rolling.
Some analysts warned the still relatively large number of undecided
voters, up to 10 percent, could see the
rally as an intrusion by outsiders into Quebec's business.
"This could be very counterproductive," said Guy Laforest, a political
science professor at Laval University
of Quebec city. "It comes too late and looks too much like a gesture of
despair."
Lucien Bouchard, chief of the Parliamentary Bloc Quebecois and leader of
the Yes campaign, dismissed the
demonstration as a hypocritical political maneuver in the guise of a
spontaneous love-in.
"I don't believe for one minute this was a spontaneous demonstration,"
he told reporters outside a Montreal
subway station. "It was carefully organized by the No camp with the goal
of influencing Quebec voters."
Many visitors were attracted here by cut-rate air, rail, and bus fares,
which fell as much as 90 percent.
Election officials appointed by the separatist provincial government
said such fares represented violations of
the province's election referendum law, which states that referendum
spending must be channeled through
Yes and No camps. Each side is limited to a total of $5 million.
But the transportation companies disputed such an interpretation of the
law, arguing that discount fares are a
regular part of their business and not related to political events.
Not all who attended the rally were federalists. Michel Boucher, 47, a
plumber from Beloeil, Quebec, said
his decision, made long ago, to vote Yes remained unchanged. "They
should have been loving us years
ago," he commented. "All this shows is they are running scared."
Canadian News Digest
Friday, Oct. 27
By The Canadian Press
Chretien refuses to say he would recognize a Yes vote
MONTREAL (CP)--Quebec senior citizens shouldn't count on getting their
pension cheques if they vote Yes
to independence on referendum day, Prime Minister Jean Chretien said
Thursday.
"What I know is if they vote No, those getting cheques will keep getting
pension cheques," Chretien said in
a television interview.
If they vote Yes, "they should ask (Jacques) Parizeau and (Lucien)
Bouchard. I can only say what will
happen when you vote No."
Chretien didn't elaborate, and he refused to say if he'd recognize a Yes
vote in Monday's referendum.
He told a popular TV interviewer the vote will represent "an expression
of the will of the people," but added
that nothing would be clear the day after because the question is too
ambiguous.
___
Bouchard dismisses 11th-hour Crusade for Canada as bogus
MONTREAL (CP)--Today's last-minute Crusade for Canada in downtown
Montreal is the latest trap set by
English Canada to keep Quebecers in their place, said Yes side leader
Lucien Bouchard on Thursday.
"We know what it means--this bogus demonstration that they're going to
hold, to trick us and make us
believe that they love us," said Bouchard, as Canadians from outside the
province poured into Quebec for the
11th-hour rally three days before the referendum vote.
Gripped by fear that Quebec is on the verge of separation--and spurred
on by hope and cheap airline and train
fares--thousands from across Canada set out to show the human face of
national unity.
"They are going to come here to tell us that they love us at 10 per cent
of the ticket price that is being
subsidized by Canadian (Airlines) contrary to our laws," said Bouchard,
dripping with sarcasm.
Friday, October 27, 1995
`Je t'aime'
6,000 Maritimers gather for unity concert
By ANDY PEDERSON -- The Daily News
Patriotic Maritimers gathered some 6,000 strong at the Halifax Metro
Centre last night to send one simple
message to Quebec: please stay.
More than 20 of the region's better-known performers - including Lennie
Gallant, Stephen Fearing, Holly
Cole and big picture - gave the four-hour rally substantial star power.
But there was also a palpable sense of anxiety among those gathered. The
spectre of a separatist victory
seemed to draw people as much as the music.
"I think now that it could happen," says Tim Rissesco, a 24-year-old
Saint Mary's University student. "It
could be one of those things that no one ever thought could happen, but
did.
"And the really frightening part is that a lot of people who vote Yes
will probably do it thinking that it won't
actually happen."
Agnes Napier, a 66-year-old who recently retired from the Halifax school
board, says she came to the rally
to stave off the potential of economic disaster.
"Economically, Canada is already worse off because of this. And I'm sure
it will get much worse when all of
our savings and pensions are affected," she said.
Napier's companion, 64-year-old Dorothy Grentmyre, worried that rallies
like last night's were coming too
late in the referendum campaign.
"I think we may be a little late, but it's still worth trying to send
the message," she said. "There are still some
undecided voters that, hopefully, we can reach."
That last night's rally was so well-attended was a pleasant surprise for
the organizers - they pulled it together
in less than 3 1/2 weeks.
Yet Jim Spatz, one of the rally's organizers, said he felt compelled to
act as the separatists began to pick up
steam.
"A month ago the conventional wisdom told us that the Yes side was stuck
at 45 (per cent) and about to drop
big time. Conventional wisdom told us that we just had to sit still and
do nothing," he said.
"Well, conventional wisdom worries me. I knew we needed something more."
Many of the performers chose symbolically charged material for their
short stints on stage. Lennie Gallant
won a standing ovation after the line, "Je t'aime, je t'aime, I still
love you." Annette Ducharme performed
No Such Thing As a Pleasant Goodbye. Stephen Fearing performed These Are
Trying Times.
The concert will be rebroadcast in two parts tonight and tomorrow night
throughout Quebec on the
province's network of access cable channels.
A large contingent of high school students gave the rally much of its
spark, racing all night through the aisles
with banners made from Canadian and Quebec flags strung together.
Their frenetic activity bothered some, including 34-year-old Dean
Leland.
"The substance isn't here," he said. "Most of these kids can't even see
into next week - they're just here for
the music."
But Shona Bezanson, a 17-year-old St. Patrick's High School student,
defended her classmates' exuberant
display.
"I know it sounds like a cliche, but what happens now will affect us for
the rest of our lives," she shouted
over the screams of her friends. "We have no other way to influence the
situation."
RÈsumÈ des principales nouvelles
Le vendredi 27 octobre 1995
Par la Presse Canadienne
Trois autres provinces lancent un appel aux QuÈbÈcois
TORONTO (PC) - Volte-face ý Terre-Neuve, instransigeance en Ontario, et
plaidoyer pour un meilleur
Canada en Nouvelle-Ecosse! Trois autres provinces canadiennes ont adoptÈ
jeudi des rÈsolutions demandant
aux QuÈbÈcois de voter Non lors du rÈfÈrendum du 30 octobre.
A Queen's Park, l'AssemblÈe lÈgislative a adoptÈ une rÈsolution qui loue
le caractËre distinct du QuÈbec,
mais sans s'engager ý promouvoir l'ench’ssement de ce concept dans la
constitution canadienne.
"L'Ontario aime le QuÈbec", a dit le premier ministre Mike Harris, mais
la province n'est pas d'humeur ý
faire des promesses d'ordre constitutionel.
A Terre-Neuve, le premier ministre terre-neuvien Clyde Wells a pris un
virage spectaculaire, lorsqu'il a
prÈsentÈ devant sa lÈgislature une rÈsolution promettant aux QuÈbÈcois
d'endosser des changements
constitutionnels qui reconnaÓtraient le QuÈbec comme une sociÈtÈ
distincte par sa langue, sa culture et ses
institutions lÈgales--l'Èquivalent du statut offert dans l'entente
constitutionnelle de Charlottetown.
Devant les journalistes, M. Wells a refusÈ d'expliquer sa volte-face et
a fait savoir qu'il ne ferait plus aucun
commentaire sur le QuÈbec d'ici le rÈfÈrendum.
En Nouvelle-Ecosse, la rÈsolution ne contient pas un engagement ý
promouvoir le caractËre distinct du
QuÈbec dans la constitution. Mais elle promet de travailler ý
l'amÈlioration du Canada.
Les autochtones s'abstiendront de voter le 30 octobre
OTTAWA (PC) - Se mÈfiant autant des fÈdÈralistes que des souverainistes,
les autochtones du QuÈbec ont
choisi de s'abstenir le 30 octobre prochain. Ils n'auront qu'une
prÈoccupation: la dÈfense de leurs droits
ancestraux et de leur libertÈ de s'associer avec qui ils le souhaitent.
Mais si la souverainetÈ du QuÈbec devenait rÈalitÈ, ils exigent que le
gouvernement fÈdÈral voit ý ce que les
autochtones du QuÈbec soient prÈsents ý la table de nÈgociations et que
leurs intÈrÍts soient dÈfendus.
C'est la position qu'ils ont prÈsentÈe jeudi et qui a ÈtÈ entÈrinÈe par
la ConfÈdÈration de l'AssemblÈe des
premiËres nations rÈunie ý Ottawa.
Cela ne signifie pas que les peuples autochtones endossent le statu quo,
bien au contraire, ont insistÈ les
chefs.
"Le statu quo ne nous a pas servis par le passÈ et nous ne croyons qu'il
nous aide davantage dans l'avenir", a
dÈclarÈ le chef rÈgional pour le QuÈbec et le Labrador, Ghislain Picard.
La CSN dÈvoile un document fÈdÈral sur l'assurance-chÙmage
MONTREAL (PC)--Discret sur ses intentions en raison de la campagne
rÈfÈrendaire, le gouvernement
fÈdÈral s'apprÍte ý mettre la hache dans le programme
d'assurance-chÙmage, soutient le prÈsident de la CSN,
GÈrald Larose.
En confÈrence de presse, jeudi ý MontrÈal, M. Larose a exhibÈ un
document obtenu par la CSN et qui
constituerait une copie de l'avant-projet de loi du gouvernement fÈdÈral
visant ý rÈformer le programme
d'assurance-chÙmage.
Le document contient bon nombre de mesures qui auraient pour effet de
rÈduire la durÈe des prestations, le
montant de celles-ci en plus de rendre les conditions d'admissibilitÈ
plus difficiles.
Ces modifications, qui permettraient d'Èconomiser "des milliards de
dollars par annÈe" entreraient en vigueur
le 1er juillet prochain.
"Je mets le ministre Lloyd Axworthy (Ressources humaines) au dÈfi de
nier l'existence et le contenu de ce
document", a lancÈ GÈrald Larose.
Lettre du ministre Bernard Landry ý Warren Christopher
WASHINGTON (PC) - La Maison blanche a ÈcartÈ du revers de la main jeudi
les critiques qui circulent
concernant l'ingÈrence amÈricaine dans le dÈbat rÈfÈrendaire quÈbÈcois.
"Je pense que certains Canadiens sont offusquÈs, a dÈclarÈ le
porte-parole de la Maison blanche, M. Mike
McCurry, au cours de sa confÈrence de presse quotidienne. Nous verrons
combien pourront l'Ítre lundi,
aprËs le rÈfÈrendum."
La semaine derniËre, le secrÈtaire d'Etat Warren Christopher a dÈpassÈ
d'un cran la position officielle
amÈricaine, le "mantra", lorsqu'il a affirmÈ que l'organisation qui
pourrait succÈder ý la fÈdÈration
canadienne actuelle ne devrait pas prendre pour acquis les liens qui
existent prÈsetentement entre le Canada et
les Etats-Unis.
Le lendemain de cette dÈclaration, le ministre quÈbÈcois des Affaires
internationales Bernard Landry a Ècrit ý
M. Christopher pour le mettre en garde contre toute nouvelle
intervention.
Dans sa lettre, M. Landry a affirmÈ que la dÈclaration du secrÈtaire
d'Etat avait exprimÈ les intÈrÍts
amÈricains "avec la rÈserve appropriÈe". Il a toutefois ajoutÈ que les
partisans du Non avaient prÈsentÈ ce
commentaire comme un clair changement dans la position traditionnelle
des Etats-Unis.
En Bref
OTTAWA (PC)--Les marchÈs financiers ont donnÈ libre cours ý leurs
craintes prÈ-rÈfÈrendaires, jeudi, en
faisant d'abord grimper le dollar canadien ý la suite de la publication
d'un sondage puis en le faisant flÈchir
aprËs avoir pris connaissance d'une autre consultation sur les
intentions de vote des QuÈbÈcois.
Le dollar a clÙturÈ avec une hausse d'un peu moins d'un quart de cent,
soit ý 73,26, mais a ensuite chutÈ ý
73,02 dans les heures suivant la fermeture des bourses canadiennes.
MONTREAL (PC)--Le premier ministre canadien Jean ChrÈtien est encore une
fois demeurÈ vague quant ý
son intention de reconnaÓtre un rÈsultat serrÈ en faveur du Oui, au
rÈfÈrendum. Pourtant, du mÍme souffle, il
a affirmÈ qu'un vote de 51 pour cent en faveur du Non signifierait que
les gens ont choisi de rester ý
l'intÈrieur du Canada "et c'est ce qui est important".
Le premier ministre a fait ces commentaires jeudi, alors qu'il Ètait
interrogÈ par l'animateur Jean-Luc
Mongrain, au rÈseau TVA.
SAINT-HUBERT (PC)--Lucien Bouchard demande ý Daniel Johnson un engagment
ý comptabiliser tous les
frais du rassemblement organisÈ par le Non au centre-ville de MontrÈal
o˜ jusqu'ý 60000 personnes en
provenance du Canada anglais sont attendus vendredi.
Le chef du Bloc quÈbÈcois estime Èglament que le Non devra inclure les
"rabais illÈgaux" consentis par
Canadian International, Air Canada et Vial Rail.
Date: 29 Oct 95 01:50:35 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's a little piece on dating, thanks to Rob.
Enjoy,
Tony
DICTIONARY OF DATING
====================
ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT
1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
choosy people meet.
DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom
you don't especially like in the present and will learn
to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom,
and dating repulsive men.
EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual
morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to
a man that she is interested in him. Despite being
advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking
a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the
shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes
are not located in her chest.
FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally
unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to
by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all
the talking.
IRRITATING
HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a
few months together.
LAW OF
RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
Date: 30 Oct 95 03:00:21 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
This may be a little _cheesy_, but I thought that it was _utterly_ hilarious... If you don't
like it, just _moove_ it into your trashcan...
Enjoy,
Tony
Lots and lots of cows (variations on heifers):
(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||----|| *
/-------\/ *-------\/ || | /
/ | || / | || /\-------/
* ||----|| / ||----|| (oo)
^^ ^^ vv vv (~~)
USA Cow Nerd USA Cow Australian Cow
(__) (__) (__)
(00) (-o) (--) . . .
(*>YAWN<*)
/------\/ /------\/ /------\/
/| || /| || /| ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
Cow w/ Glasses Flirtatious cow (winking) Cow after pulling an
all-nighter
O__O \_|_/
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty
\ (__) (__) * (__)
\\(oo) (\/) \ (oo)
/-----\\\/ /-------\/ \-------\/
/ | (##) / | || 8-| ||
* ||----||" * ||----|| ||----||
^^ ^^ ~~ ~~ ^^
^^
Scottish cow playing bagpipes. Cow from Beijing Wind-up Flying
Cow
* (__) (__) (__) (__)
\ (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
\-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/| |\ / / \ / \ / / \ \
//||----||\\ * //------\\ * \\--// * \\----\\
^ ^^ ^^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Cow walking Cow jogging Cow running Cow braking
(__)
(oo) (__) * (__)
\/ (oo) | (oo)
____| \____ /-------\/ o=o=o=|------\/
---/ --** / | / | |
*____/ |___// * ||----|| ||----||
//--------/ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
//__ Cow Cow pooing
Cow marching standing
(__)
(oo) U
/-------\/ /---V
/ | || * |--| .
* ||----||
^^ ^^
Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters.
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | ||
* ||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\
Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in swimming
pool
on grass on cow
(__) (__) (__)
(OO) (@@) (xx)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to
wash
psychedelic mushrooms down psychedelic
mushrooms
)\ (__)
/ \ (oo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cow swimming in shark infested water
( ( )
( ( ) )
( ( )
( / )
( ( \\ )
( | // )
| | (__)
| | (oo) (__)
| | ----\/ ______(oo)_____
| | || ( _)_______(__) )
**| | ---|| \ __________/
``'---------^^
Cow Hide Cow Pie
*
** **
* ** * * * **
* / / \ * *
\ \ / \ / / (__)
* / / \ \ (__) \ \ /--------(00)
/ (00) / / / | |( )
\ /-------\/ \ \ * ||---- ||()
/ / | || / / || ||
\ \ * ||----|| \ \ ^^ ^^
/ / ^^ ^^ / / Cow Chewing Marbles
Cow in Heat
(__) (__) * (__) * (__)
(oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo)
/--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/
* o| || * ooooooooo o o| || / ||
||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----||
ooo^^ ^^ ooooooooooooooooo ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit
a shit shit kicked out of her
o o
|__| (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) =(oo)= oo
/-------\/ /-------vv /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
bill bixby bela lugosi boris karloff claude rains
male relative cow cow cow cow
/\ __
/ \ ||
(__) (__) \ / (_||_)
SooS (oo) \/ (oo)
/------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/
/ | || / | || / S / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's
to George Washington this cow cow
(__)
* (__) (oo)
\ (oo) /------\/
\-------\/ /| |/ |
| ==$ || / | [) ||
||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to
to Caesar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday
(___) (__) (__)
( O ) (oo) (oo)
/-------\ / \/--------\/
/ | ||V | |
* ||----|| ||------||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle
(__) (__)
[##] (@o)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__)
/ | || / | || / | || (oo)
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^
This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to
to Liliann V.L. the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman
(__)
(oo)
/---+ +--\/
/ | | | ||
* ||-+ +-||
^^ ^^ *
David Copperfield's Cow David Copperfield's other Cow
(__)
(oo)
/'^^^-m
(__) / '' ` )
(oo) o /| /|/|_ | /|
/ \/ / / _ / | | | |
/ _\===^ ___\_____/___ |_____|_|
___|__/ |/\ (___________(_) //|| ||
* ^ ^ * ww ww
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow Cow'nt Dracula
(__) (__) (__)
(\/) ($$) (**)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | 666 || / |=====|| / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Satanic cow Yuppie Cow Cow in love
____
(____)
.xxxx.
(__) '(oo)`
(oo) /-----'-\/ `
/-------\/ / | |============>
/ | || * ||----| (~)
* ||----|| ~~ ~
~~ ~~ Moo-ammar Cowdafi
holy cow (armed and dangerous) (---)
( )
(___) (___) /-----\
(o o) (o o) | |
/-------\ / /-------\ / | | |
/ | ||O / | O~ ||O | | |
* ||,---|| * ||,---|| | * |
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
A Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull Coward
(__) \__\ (__)
(oo) o (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ ____\___\/ *+-------\/
/ | || / | || ||______||
* ||----|| * ||----|| ||----||
OO OO OO OO OO OO
Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow
(__) (__) \_||_~
(oo) (oo) (*||*)
/---------------\/ /----\/ /-------\||/
/ | || / || / | ||
* ||------------|| *-||----|| * ||----||
OO OO OO OO OO }{
li-moo-cow fastback cow teenager's cow
(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( OO)
/-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ /
/ || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/
/ || |||| \ | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----||||
/\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ^^^^ ^^^^
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had
four legs or eight
(__) (__)
^^ (oo) (--)
^^^^ /-------\/ /-\/-\
^^^^^ / | || /| |\
^^^^^ * ||----|| ^ | | ^
^^^^^^^^ ====^^====^^==== | |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ /----\
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ / \ \
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^ * ^
Cow surfing at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
(What a bod, huh guys?)
* (__)
\ (DD)
\ /-------\/
|\ / | ||_\_/
\ | \ (__) * ||----|
\\|| \(oo) ^^ ^
\||\ \\/ Cow chugging brews and staring
at
^^ \|| sunbathers at Fort
Lauderdale
\\ ||
\\||
\||
^^ / / / / / / / / / / /
\\_ / / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / _______ / /
Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen / / / / | \ / /
/ / / (__)| / /
/ / / (oo)| / /
( @@@ ) /-------\/ |
( @@ ) (------------) / | ||^_|
@@ (__) ( *>COUGH<* ) * ||----|
@@ (oo) . . . ( *>COUGH<* ) ^^ ^
/--UU--\/ (____________)
/ | || Cow sheltering from English
Weather
* ||---||
(New) Jersey Cow
(__) _--------_
(oo) |__________| BIG
/-------\/ XXXXXXXXXX MAC
/ | 007 || __________
* ||----|| |_ _|
^^ ^^ --------
Cow licenced to kill Enemy Cow after having met previous cow
x
xxxx|xxxx
xxxxxxx|xxxxxxx
|
//
(__) // (__(__)
(oo)// (oo(oo)
/-------\// /-------\/ \/-------\
/ | |// / | || || | \
* ||----| * ||----|| ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Mary Poppins Cow Siamese cows
o o (__) ^
\ / (oo) /
\ / _____\/___/
(__) \__/ / /\ / /
(oo) _______(oo) ^ / * /
/---------\/ /| ___ \/ / ___/
/ | x=a(b)|| / | { }|| *----/\
* ||------|| * ||{___}|| / \
^^ ^^ ||-----|| / /
^^ ^^ ^ ^
Mathematical Television This cow does Disco
Cow Cow (That's what comes of
(developer of (Cow-thode snorting cow-caine)
cow-culus) Ray Tube)
. /\ . . :
. / \ . . :
/ \ . . * :
/ \ * :
| (__) | . . ** :
. /| (oo) |\ ** :
/ | /\/\ | \ . . * :
. / |=|==|=| \ . * :
. / | | | | \ . :
/ USA | ^||^ |NASA \ . :
|______| ^^ |______| . :
. (__||__) . . :
. /_\ /_\ . . . :
!!! !!! :
:
The cow that jumped over the moon. :
o
| [---]
| |
| | |------========|
/----|---|\ | **** |=======|
/___/___\___\ o | **** |=======|
| | ___| |==============|
| | ___ {(__)} |==============|
\-----------/ []( )={(oo)} |==============|
\ \ / / /---===--{ \/ } |
----------------- / | NASA |==== |
| | * ||------||-----^
----------------- || | |
/ / \ \ ^^ ^ |
/ ---- \
^^ ^^ This cow landed on the moon.
(__)
([][]) "I have this recurring dream
__\/_--U about golden arches.".. (__)
/\ \__ ^ :..("")
/\\\ / / //\ ____\_____\/ //
/----^/__/\ /\ // \\/ \___ / //
\\\____/--\-- // /-/__________/ //
/====== \/ =======/==============//
*_/ / \ /^ // / \\
/ \ ^ // \\
Psycowlogist and patient
(___)
\^^^^^^^^\ (__) (o o)
\^^^^^^^^\\ (oo) \ /
*-----\_______\/\/ \--O--/
^_______/ --- \______^ // -----\
^--------\ \S/ /\_____^ \\/_^{} /==V===[]
\______/ \_____\\//
\__/
It's a bird... //\\ The Boss
It's a plane... // \\ (Bruce Holstein)
// //
^^ ^^
==================
_____________________________ H H
| |-------------| H (__) H
| | ________ | H (oo) H __
| COWNTY | | (|__|) | | H / \/ \ H / \
| JAIL | | |oo| | | H | | | | H | STOP |
| | |__|\/|__| | H D===b=----- H \ __ /
| | o | H^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^H ||
| | ^ | H H ||
| | ] | H H ||
| | | H H ||
|_____________|_____________| H H ||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^
Some cows get in trouble... Cattle Guard
\ | / ___________
____________ \ \_# / | ___ | _________
| | \ #/ | | | | | = = = = |
| | | | | \\# | |`v'| | | |
| | \# // | --- ___ | | | || | |
| | | | | #_// | | | | | |
| | \\ #_/_______ | | | | | | || | |
| | | | | \\# /_____/ \ | --- | | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |^^^^^^| | | | || | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |^^^^^^| | | | || | |
^^^| (^^^^^) |^^^^^#^| H |_ |^| | |||| | |^^^^^^| |
| ( ||| ) | # ^^^^^^ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^________/ /_____ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
`v'- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ | ||||||| |
|| |`. (__) (__) ( )
(oo) (oo) /---V
/-------\/ \/ --------\ * | |
/ | || ||_______| \
* ||W---|| || || *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
"Cow Town"
...---...
../ / | \ \..
./ / / | \ \ \.
/ / / | \ \ \
/ / / | \ \ \
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /(__)
\|/ (oo)
/---++--\/
/ | || ||
* ||-++-||
^^ ^^
Cow surviving attack by Red Baron
(__)
(oo)
/-------\/
/ | ||
* ||----||
^^ ^^
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || -^^- || | \
* ||---- -^^- || *
^^ ^^
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || || | \
* ||----|| ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Barnum's Troupe of performing cows
____ ____ |+++++|
|++++| ___ |++++| ____ |+++++|
|++++| |++ ______________________ |++++| |+++++|
|++++| |++/ /( )\ \ |++++| |+++++| __
| | |+| |-oo- | \______ |++++| |+++++| |++|
- - - -(__)--| \__\/ _(__)_ \
o ( oo /_______________________| (oo) \ | __
| _/\_| | M O O - B U S T E R S|__\/\ /| | /oo| - Bleaurgh!
|-| \\____ ------ )_ /| /\
-|_ \_|-_|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 0 _| * \/ *
\ | __________________________________/
| W| \ \_/ /----------------- \ \_/ /
/ /\ \ \___/ \___/
/ / \ \
^^^ ^^^ Who you gonna
call...?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
--
-
(___)
( --
\_ | - G'nite, and thank you for your support. Zzz z z z z z z z
\O
The official collection of electronic cows resides at Princeton
University!
Thanks to EVERYONE who contributed!
PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS FILE WIDELY -- IT IS *NOT* COPYRIGHTED.
(Besides, this is a classic that NO ONE should miss!)
Date: 30 Oct 95 03:31:46 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
This may be a little _cheesy_, but I thought that it was _utterly_ hilarious... If you don't
like it, just _moove_ it into your trashcan...
Enjoy,
Tony
Lots and lots of cows (variations on heifers):
(__) )__( vv vv
(oo) (oo) ||----|| *
/-------\/ *-------\/ || | /
/ | || / | || /\-------/
* ||----|| / ||----|| (oo)
^^ ^^ vv vv (~~)
USA Cow Nerd USA Cow Australian Cow
(__) (__) (__)
(00) (-o) (--) . . .
(*>YAWN<*)
/------\/ /------\/ /------\/
/| || /| || /| ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
Cow w/ Glasses Flirtatious cow (winking) Cow after pulling an
all-nighter
O__O \_|_/
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty
\ (__) (__) * (__)
\\(oo) (\/) \ (oo)
/-----\\\/ /-------\/ \-------\/
/ | (##) / | || 8-| ||
* ||----||" * ||----|| ||----||
^^ ^^ ~~ ~~ ^^
^^
Scottish cow playing bagpipes. Cow from Beijing Wind-up Flying
Cow
* (__) (__) (__) (__)
\ (oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
\-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/| |\ / / \ / \ / / \ \
//||----||\\ * //------\\ * \\--// * \\----\\
^ ^^ ^^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Cow walking Cow jogging Cow running Cow braking
(__)
(oo) (__) * (__)
\/ (oo) | (oo)
____| \____ /-------\/ o=o=o=|------\/
---/ --** / | / | |
*____/ |___// * ||----|| ||----||
//--------/ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
//__ Cow Cow pooing
Cow marching standing
(__)
(oo) U
/-------\/ /---V
/ | || * |--| .
* ||----||
^^ ^^
Cow at 1 meter. Cow at 100 meters. Cow at 10,000 meters.
(__) (__) (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) (oo) (oo)
/-------\/-* /-------\/ /-------\/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ | || \ )*)(\/* / * / | ||
* ||----|| * \ |||/)|/()( ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/ \)|(/\/|)(/\
Cow munching Grass munching Cow in water Cow in swimming
pool
on grass on cow
(__) (__) (__)
(OO) (@@) (xx)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow who drank Jolt Cow who ate Cow who used Jolt to
wash
psychedelic mushrooms down psychedelic
mushrooms
)\ (__)
/ \ (oo)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cow swimming in shark infested water
( ( )
( ( ) )
( ( )
( / )
( ( \\ )
( | // )
| | (__)
| | (oo) (__)
| | ----\/ ______(oo)_____
| | || ( _)_______(__) )
**| | ---|| \ __________/
``'---------^^
Cow Hide Cow Pie
*
** **
* ** * * * **
* / / \ * *
\ \ / \ / / (__)
* / / \ \ (__) \ \ /--------(00)
/ (00) / / / | |( )
\ /-------\/ \ \ * ||---- ||()
/ / | || / / || ||
\ \ * ||----|| \ \ ^^ ^^
/ / ^^ ^^ / / Cow Chewing Marbles
Cow in Heat
(__) (__) * (__) * (__)
(oo) (oo) \ (oo) | (oo)
/--------\/ /-oooooo-\/ \-------\/ \-------\/
* o| || * ooooooooo o o| || / ||
||----|| ooooooooooooo ||----||>==/-----||
ooo^^ ^^ ooooooooooooooooo ^^ ^^ ^^
Cow taking Cow in deep Cow getting the shit
a shit shit kicked out of her
o o
|__| (__) (__)
(oo) (oo) =(oo)= oo
/-------\/ /-------vv /-------\/
/ | || / | || / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
bill bixby bela lugosi boris karloff claude rains
male relative cow cow cow cow
/\ __
/ \ ||
(__) (__) \ / (_||_)
SooS (oo) \/ (oo)
/------S\/S /-------\/ /S /-------\/
/ | || / | || / S / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----||___/ S * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
This cow belonged Ben Franklin owned Abe Lincoln's
to George Washington this cow cow
(__)
* (__) (oo)
\ (oo) /------\/
\-------\/ /| |/ |
| ==$ || / | [) ||
||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Old "One Arm" belonged This cow was given to
to Caesar's Palace Hugh Hefner for his Birthday
(___) (__) (__)
( O ) (oo) (oo)
/-------\ / \/--------\/
/ | ||V | |
* ||----|| ||------||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
The cyclops that Jason and This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow Dr. Doolittle
(__) (__)
[##] (@o)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /------- (__)
/ | || / | || / | || (oo)
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|---\/
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^
This cow belonged This cow lived with This cow belonged to
to Liliann V.L. the Little Rascals the Headless Horseman
(__)
(oo)
/---+ +--\/
/ | | | ||
* ||-+ +-||
^^ ^^ *
David Copperfield's Cow David Copperfield's other Cow
(__)
(oo)
/'^^^-m
(__) / '' ` )
(oo) o /| /|/|_ | /|
/ \/ / / _ / | | | |
/ _\===^ ___\_____/___ |_____|_|
___|__/ |/\ (___________(_) //|| ||
* ^ ^ * ww ww
Mrs. O'Leary's Cow Cow'nt Dracula
(__) (__) (__)
(\/) ($$) (**)
/-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/
/ | 666 || / |=====|| / | ||
* ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----||
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Satanic cow Yuppie Cow Cow in love
____
(____)
.xxxx.
(__) '(oo)`
(oo) /-----'-\/ `
/-------\/ / | |============>
/ | || * ||----| (~)
* ||----|| ~~ ~
~~ ~~ Moo-ammar Cowdafi
holy cow (armed and dangerous) (---)
( )
(___) (___) /-----\
(o o) (o o) | |
/-------\ / /-------\ / | | |
/ | ||O / | O~ ||O | | |
* ||,---|| * ||,---|| | * |
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
A Bull A-bomb-in-a-bull No-bull Coward
(__) \__\ (__)
(oo) o (oo) (oo)
/-------\/ ____\___\/ *+-------\/
/ | || / | || ||______||
* ||----|| * ||----|| ||----||
OO OO OO OO OO OO
Detroit cow Mustang cow pickup cow
(__) (__) \_||_~
(oo) (oo) (*||*)
/---------------\/ /----\/ /-------\||/
/ | || / || / | ||
* ||------------|| *-||----|| * ||----||
OO OO OO OO OO }{
li-moo-cow fastback cow teenager's cow
(____) (____) (____)
(oo ) (o o) ( OO)
/-----------\ / /-----\ /---- /-----------\ /
/ || | \/ / | | \/ | / || | \/
/ || |||| \ | | | | | / || ||||
* ||||-----|||| *| | |-----| | | * ||||-----||||
/\/\ /\/\ /\ /\ /\ /\ ^^^^ ^^^^
This cow belonged This was Salvatore No one was sure whether
to Pablo Picasso Dali's favorite cow M.C. Escher's cow had
four legs or eight
(__) (__)
^^ (oo) (--)
^^^^ /-------\/ /-\/-\
^^^^^ / | || /| |\
^^^^^ * ||----|| ^ | | ^
^^^^^^^^ ====^^====^^==== | |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ /----\
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ / \ \
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^ * ^
Cow surfing at Malibu Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
(What a bod, huh guys?)
* (__)
\ (DD)
\ /-------\/
|\ / | ||_\_/
\ | \ (__) * ||----|
\\|| \(oo) ^^ ^
\||\ \\/ Cow chugging brews and staring
at
^^ \|| sunbathers at Fort
Lauderdale
\\ ||
\\||
\||
^^ / / / / / / / / / / /
\\_ / / / / / / / / / / / /
\_ / / / / / _______ / /
Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen / / / / | \ / /
/ / / (__)| / /
/ / / (oo)| / /
( @@@ ) /-------\/ |
( @@ ) (------------) / | ||^_|
@@ (__) ( *>COUGH<* ) * ||----|
@@ (oo) . . . ( *>COUGH<* ) ^^ ^
/--UU--\/ (____________)
/ | || Cow sheltering from English
Weather
* ||---||
(New) Jersey Cow
(__) _--------_
(oo) |__________| BIG
/-------\/ XXXXXXXXXX MAC
/ | 007 || __________
* ||----|| |_ _|
^^ ^^ --------
Cow licenced to kill Enemy Cow after having met previous cow
x
xxxx|xxxx
xxxxxxx|xxxxxxx
|
//
(__) // (__(__)
(oo)// (oo(oo)
/-------\// /-------\/ \/-------\
/ | |// / | || || | \
* ||----| * ||----|| ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Mary Poppins Cow Siamese cows
o o (__) ^
\ / (oo) /
\ / _____\/___/
(__) \__/ / /\ / /
(oo) _______(oo) ^ / * /
/---------\/ /| ___ \/ / ___/
/ | x=a(b)|| / | { }|| *----/\
* ||------|| * ||{___}|| / \
^^ ^^ ||-----|| / /
^^ ^^ ^ ^
Mathematical Television This cow does Disco
Cow Cow (That's what comes of
(developer of (Cow-thode snorting cow-caine)
cow-culus) Ray Tube)
. /\ . . :
. / \ . . :
/ \ . . * :
/ \ * :
| (__) | . . ** :
. /| (oo) |\ ** :
/ | /\/\ | \ . . * :
. / |=|==|=| \ . * :
. / | | | | \ . :
/ USA | ^||^ |NASA \ . :
|______| ^^ |______| . :
. (__||__) . . :
. /_\ /_\ . . . :
!!! !!! :
:
The cow that jumped over the moon. :
o
| [---]
| |
| | |------========|
/----|---|\ | **** |=======|
/___/___\___\ o | **** |=======|
| | ___| |==============|
| | ___ {(__)} |==============|
\-----------/ []( )={(oo)} |==============|
\ \ / / /---===--{ \/ } |
----------------- / | NASA |==== |
| | * ||------||-----^
----------------- || | |
/ / \ \ ^^ ^ |
/ ---- \
^^ ^^ This cow landed on the moon.
(__)
([][]) "I have this recurring dream
__\/_--U about golden arches.".. (__)
/\ \__ ^ :..("")
/\\\ / / //\ ____\_____\/ //
/----^/__/\ /\ // \\/ \___ / //
\\\____/--\-- // /-/__________/ //
/====== \/ =======/==============//
*_/ / \ /^ // / \\
/ \ ^ // \\
Psycowlogist and patient
(___)
\^^^^^^^^\ (__) (o o)
\^^^^^^^^\\ (oo) \ /
*-----\_______\/\/ \--O--/
^_______/ --- \______^ // -----\
^--------\ \S/ /\_____^ \\/_^{} /==V===[]
\______/ \_____\\//
\__/
It's a bird... //\\ The Boss
It's a plane... // \\ (Bruce Holstein)
// //
^^ ^^
==================
_____________________________ H H
| |-------------| H (__) H
| | ________ | H (oo) H __
| COWNTY | | (|__|) | | H / \/ \ H / \
| JAIL | | |oo| | | H | | | | H | STOP |
| | |__|\/|__| | H D===b=----- H \ __ /
| | o | H^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^H ||
| | ^ | H H ||
| | ] | H H ||
| | | H H ||
|_____________|_____________| H H ||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^
Some cows get in trouble... Cattle Guard
\ | / ___________
____________ \ \_# / | ___ | _________
| | \ #/ | | | | | = = = = |
| | | | | \\# | |`v'| | | |
| | \# // | --- ___ | | | || | |
| | | | | #_// | | | | | |
| | \\ #_/_______ | | | | | | || | |
| | | | | \\# /_____/ \ | --- | | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |^^^^^^| | | | || | |
| | \# |+ ++| | | |^^^^^^| | | | || | |
^^^| (^^^^^) |^^^^^#^| H |_ |^| | |||| | |^^^^^^| |
| ( ||| ) | # ^^^^^^ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
^^^^^^^^^^^^^________/ /_____ | | |||| | | | ||||||| |
`v'- ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ | ||||||| |
|| |`. (__) (__) ( )
(oo) (oo) /---V
/-------\/ \/ --------\ * | |
/ | || ||_______| \
* ||W---|| || || *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
"Cow Town"
...---...
../ / | \ \..
./ / / | \ \ \.
/ / / | \ \ \
/ / / | \ \ \
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /(__)
\|/ (oo)
/---++--\/
/ | || ||
* ||-++-||
^^ ^^
Cow surviving attack by Red Baron
(__)
(oo)
/-------\/
/ | ||
* ||----||
^^ ^^
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || -^^- || | \
* ||---- -^^- || *
^^ ^^
(__) (__)
(oo) (oo)
/-------\/ \/-------\
/ | || || | \
* ||----|| ||----|| *
^^ ^^ ^^ ^^
Barnum's Troupe of performing cows
____ ____ |+++++|
|++++| ___ |++++| ____ |+++++|
|++++| |++ ______________________ |++++| |+++++|
|++++| |++/ /( )\ \ |++++| |+++++| __
| | |+| |-oo- | \______ |++++| |+++++| |++|
- - - -(__)--| \__\/ _(__)_ \
o ( oo /_______________________| (oo) \ | __
| _/\_| | M O O - B U S T E R S|__\/\ /| | /oo| - Bleaurgh!
|-| \\____ ------ )_ /| /\
-|_ \_|-_|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 0 _| * \/ *
\ | __________________________________/
| W| \ \_/ /----------------- \ \_/ /
/ /\ \ \___/ \___/
/ / \ \
^^^ ^^^ Who you gonna
call...?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
--
-
(___)
( --
\_ | - G'nite, and thank you for your support. Zzz z z z z z z z
\O
The official collection of electronic cows resides at Princeton
University!
Thanks to EVERYONE who contributed!
PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS FILE WIDELY -- IT IS *NOT* COPYRIGHTED.
(Besides, this is a classic that NO ONE should miss!)
Date: 31 Oct 95 00:42:01 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
DO YOU AGREE THAT QUEBEC SHOULD BECOME SOVEREIGN, AFTER
HAVING MADE A FORMAL OFFER TO CANADA FOR A NEW ECONOMIC AND
POLITICAL PARTNERSHIP, WITHIN THE SCOPE OF THE BILL RESPECTING
THE FUTURE OF QUEBEC AND OF THE AGREEMENT SIGNED ON JUNE 12,
1995?"
After 91% voter turnout, the results are as follows:
50.48 No
49.52 Yes (0.1% = approx 40,000 people)
Two Words:
O Canada!
More information is available on the Referendum Web Site:
http://205.206.21.2/~evo/quebec95/index.html
The results are too close for comfort, but they make a strong point: We have lots of work
to do. In the meantime, I am proud to say that my Canada still includes Quebec!
Thanks to everyone who provided me with information, questions, feedback and other
comments about the situation.
Now back to your regularly scheduled humour...
Here's something I found hilarious thanks to Sarah!
Enjoy!
Tony
CREATE YOUR OWN SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS by Jerry Maguire, who
teaches English@Center Grove High School in Greenwood, Indiana.
Combine one word from each of the three columns below, preface
with "Thou art a" and thus shalt thou have the perfect insult.
Let thyself go -- mix and match to find a barb worthy of the Bard!
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangled hell-hated jolthead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
quailing motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plume-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlot
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy unchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail
Date: 31 Oct 95 01:00:35 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: TFS Addendum: Canada
To: Anthony T. Field
My apologies... My statistics were off. From the CBC via Jennifer Matthews:
93.4% voted
94% of the anglophones and 92% of the franchophones
no 50.6%
yes 49.4%
a split of only 50,000 votes
it was also estimated that up to 25% voted yes, but they voted for change not seperation
which gives Canada a lot of hope for the future.
Date: 01 Nov 95 02:59:31 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Tired of city life? Applications to live in Idaho are now being accepted! (thanks Mike)
Enjoy!
Tony
STATE OF IDAHO
RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know