Date: 26 Mar 96 22:10:13 EST From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Hello again! It's good to be back after 4 months on vacation, but, then again, there's nothing like vacation, right? I just spend the winter working and ski coaching and had a great time doing it. Now I'm all refreshed and ready to tackle _another_ 5 consecutive terms of academia. (except this time I only _have_ to deal with one) So with my return, comes the return of The Farther Side. As usual, if you receive this message more than once, if you know someone who would like to receive it, or if you would like to be removed from the list, please write to me. I also like it when people help me find stuff to send out so please send me mail you find funny, amusing, or just too weird to be left alone. And of course you are totally free to write me to tell me how happy you are I'm back too, if you just can't think of what to say... :-) Welcome back everyone, and good luck in the spring term! Enjoy, Tony [Thanks Heidi for this one!] This just in.... The expression "balls out" derives from the operation of a steam engine with a flyball governor at maximum angular velocity, not from any anatomical reference you may have imagined. Professor Bill Murray, University of Washington Date: 28 Mar 96 00:00:03 EST From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... Here's another one that goes waaay back... to... Heidi again... Where do you get these??? Enjoy! Tony >Letters from Summer Camp 8/9/95 10:48 AM > >The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column: > >Dear Mr. Dvorak: >Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to >get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try >and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal >ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a >summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were >the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire >-- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight >reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan >knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he >went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans >and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out >of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot >down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't >know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. >These are some of my little Billy's letters. > >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Dear Mom, >The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only >good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time >to program, so they let us stay up. > Love, Billy. > >Dear Mom, >Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all >get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, >can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's >time for the flowchart class. > Love, Billy. > >P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spell- >checked too. > >Dear Mom, >Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow >of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a >tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer >screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us >weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really. > Love, Billy. > >Dear Mom, >I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp >ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real >funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more >money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. >I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to >people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. > Love, Billy. > >Dear Mother, >Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I >haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto >any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's >in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show >me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I >shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not. > Signed, William. > >Dear Mother, >How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I >haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears >them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I >thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money >on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for >the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August. > Regards, William. > >Mother, >Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. >It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I >can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government >computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your >only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. > Sincerely, William. > > >See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. >What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my >little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE >CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank >you very much. > > Sally Gates, Concerned Parent > >Mr. Dvorak inadequately replied: Come on, Sally, boys will be boys. Date: 29 Mar 96 02:15:18 EST From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Good evening everyone... You know you've been hangin' around school too long when all of a sudden, you find yourself composing poetry like this... (thanks Foga!) Enjoy, Tony i've gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs i've gone postal for Total™ i've gone gray for Special K i set off alarms for Frosted Lucky Charms i take off my bra for Count Chocula i bounce 7 checks to buy some Crispex i pretend to be needy for just one Wheatie i turn tricks to get Kix i'll even pose for Cheerios And for today's comment of the night, we see: "all work and no play make Foga pine away" Date: 30 Mar 96 23:39:45 EST From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings! Thinking of switching majors? Here's some advice. Thanks Hach! Enjoy, Tony YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR... If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. If you enjoy pain. If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division. If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force." If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. If when you look in a mirror, you see a engineering major. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver." If you always do homework on Friday nights. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water. If you think in "math." If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges. If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function. If you have a pet named after a scientist. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment. If you can translate English into Binary. If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit." If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab. If you are completely addicted to caffeine. If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe. If you consider ANY non-science course "easy." If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use. If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier. If you understood more than five of these indicators. If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.