Date: 01 Apr 96 02:26:13 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!
Enjoy,
Tony
Some people should just stick to the typewriter . . .
----------------------------------------------------
The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new
computer to turn on. Jay Alblinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked
the woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens,"
the woman replied. "Foot pedal? the technician asked. "Yes," the
woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch."
The "foot pedal," it turned out was the computer's mouse...
[...]
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the
batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on
the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell's director of
technical support, the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000
for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."
[...]
.."A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura
would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it
in, open it up and sat there waiting for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
-------------------------------------------------
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many
people have called to ask where the "Any" key is when "Press Any
Key" flashes on the screen that Compaq is considering changing the
command to "Press Return Key."
-----------------------------------------------
Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Engle, an AST
technical support supervisor, says one customer complained that
her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover
turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell
technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the mouse
and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly...
------------------------------------------------
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan
says a customer was having trouble reading wordprocessing files
from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and
heat failed to diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else
was being done with the diskette. The customer's response: "I put
a label on the diskette, roll it into the typewriter..."
-------------------------------------------------
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's
request that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A
letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a
Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell a technician advised a
customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and "close
the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the customer put
the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his
room...
--------------------------------------------------
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A
Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding
it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
[...]
..some end up damaging parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called
to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned
it, he said, by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking
the keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
----------------------------------------------------
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan
Vergara, says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his
computer had told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara
patiently explained that the computer's " bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
-----------------------------------
Tech support: Can I help you?
Customer: I'm having a problem installing the program.
TS: What seems to be the problem?
Cust: It's with the fourth disk.
TS: OK - go on.
Cust: I had a hard time getting the third one in - there's no way
I'm going to be able to get the fourth disk in there.
Date: 01 Apr 96 23:21:23 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Thanks to Fiona for this one...
Enjoy,
Tony
The Best and Worst Comments Received
====================================
"This class was a religious experience for me...
I had to take it all on faith."
"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."
" The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
"Textbook is confusing...
Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
"Have you ever fell asleep in one class and awoke in another?
That's the way I felt all term."
" In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
"Text is nearly useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
" In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his
class."
"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam
material."
"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized,
presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope
my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."
"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and
Thursdays."
"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.
Then solidarity kicked in."
"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
" TA steadily improved throughout the course...
I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--
spraying in all directions--no way to stop it."
"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin
tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I
would have used the text."
"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality
paper.'"
Date: 03 Apr 96 00:34:04 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Okay, keeping in line with all of the engineer jokes recently (thanks to Heidi), here's some
retaliation. (Sorry this may be disgustingly cute, but it had to be done!)
Smoochies,
Tony
Thanks to Jennifer for this one!
Definition of Kiss:
Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.:
Prof. of Algebra: kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of
contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics: kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-
24-36
Prof. of Philosophy: kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and
homage for the old.
Prof. of English: kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than
proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all
Prof. of Engineering What is a kiss?
Date: 05 Apr 96 05:23:16 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
This one goes out to all the engineers who complained about my engineer bashing
recently... And for the record, as a physics major, I have every right to bash engineers...
:-)
Enjoy!
Tony
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean
for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his
life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not
last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down
almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of
an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person,
no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some
bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and
forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to
the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and
looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his
eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner
of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall,
tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an
almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and
yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat
towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed
on this island when my cruise ship sank"
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must
have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up,
nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree
branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did
you do that?"
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the
island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.
I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools,
and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that,
she said. Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been
sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got
into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully
woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm
tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please,
would you like to have a drink?"
"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still,
how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued
amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman
asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and
even on the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs
in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer
questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a
swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down
stairs..
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip
into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short
time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically
positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long
time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been
lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that
all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to
have right now."
"Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman
while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you
happen to have an Internet connection?"
Date: 05 Apr 96 22:43:34 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Here are a couple of news items this time. Thanks Rob for the first one. The second one
is actually serious, so act if you feel it appropriate. As for the first one... who knows. it
makes sense, doesn't it?
Enjoy!
Tony
PHNOM PENH, March 29 (Reuter) - While much of the world
shuns British cows, a Cambodian newspaper suggested on Friday
that the animals be shipped to Cambodia and allowed to roam free
and detonate the millions of land mines littering the country.
"The English have 11 million mad cows and Cambodia has
roughly the same number of equally mad land mines. Surely the
solution to Cambodia's mine problem is here before our very eyes
in black and white," the Cambodia Daily said.
"The plan is simple, practical, and will make mince-meat of
the problem overnight," the paper said.
The Cambodian countryside is strewn with millions of land
mines, the legacy of decades of war and civil strife.
###############################################
Forwarded from Foga: -----
> This, although it is a petition (which usually ranks right up there with
> chain letters IMO), I think it is very important. I urge you to sign and
> pass it on.
>
> Subject:PETITION TO THE SALT LAKE CITY SCHOOL BOARD
>
> On February 20, 1996, the Salt Lake City School Board voted to ban all
> clubs in order to keep a Gay/Lesbian/Straight Alliance from forming at
> East High School. Despite numerous phone calls and countless letters,
> the board seems to remain recalcitrant.
>
> Salt Lake City will host the 2002 Winter Olympics with the slogan "The
World
> is Welcome Here." The Salt Lake City School Board's decision calls
> into question how much of the "World" is truly "Welcome" here. The
> Citizens' Alliance for Hate Free Schools, a project of the Utah Human
> Rights Coalition, calls on all supporters of the rights of young people
> to have equal access to educational opportunities and safe schools to
> sign the following petition.
>
> PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION AND THEN FORWARD TO SOMEONE ELSE.
>
> IF YOU ARE A TENTH PERSON TO SIGN YOUR NAME, FORWARD THE
> LIST BACK TO ME: cdorchard@earthlink.net
> (i.e. the 10th, 20th, 30th person will forward this message to me in
> progress) I will compile the petition and send it to the board members.
>
> Target Deadline: June 4, 1996
>
> PETITION TO THE SALT LAKE CITY SCHOOL BOARD
>
> "We, the undersigned, support the efforts by area high schoolstudents to
> organize non-curricular clubs and alliances designed to increase
> understanding and good will among the high school population and the
> general public as well. We call on the Salt Lake City School Board to
> resist all illegal attempts at intimidation and coercion to deprive
students
> of their legally guaranteed rights. We request that they take immediate
> action to reverse their decision of February 20, 1996, to ban all clubs."
>
> #
> Name
> E-Mail Address (Not Obligatory)
> Place of Residence
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> 1
> Charlene Orchard
> Salt Lake City, UT
>
> 2
> John Spear
> GLSTNJohn@aol.com
> NY, NY
>
> 3
> Knox Turner
> ktagrpnh@aol.com
> Northwood, NH
>
> 4
> Randal L Kottwitz
> RLKottwitz@aol.com
> Merrimack, NH
>
> 5Jessea Greenman
> <jessea@uclink4.berkeley.edu>
> Oakland CA
>
> 6. Shia Levitt
> shia@uclink2.berkeley.edu
> Berkeley, CA
>
> 7. Jennifer Bowen
> jeb7z@virginia.edu
> Charlottesville, VA
>
> 8.
> John F. Wagner
> jfwagn@mail.wm.edu
> Williamsburg, VA
>
> 9.
> Theresa L. Rafiq
> tlrafi@mail.wm.edu
> Williamsburg, VA
>
> 10.
> Michelle Haller
> mlh3@acpub.duke.edu
> Durham, NC
>
> 11.
> Cynthia Culver
> cdc4@acpub.duke.edu
> Durham, NC
>
> 12.
> Elizabeth Newsom
> newsome@carleton.edu
> Columbus, OH
>
> 13. Kristin Ulstad
> ulstadk@carleton.edu
> St. Paul, MN
>
> 14. Shannon Barry
> barry@stolaf.edu
> St. Paul, MN
>
> 15. Dorothy Porter
> porter@stolaf.edu
> Blacksburg, VA
>
> 16. Cassie Noll
> nollk@stolaf.edu
> Oak Park, IL
>
> 17. Alice Decker
> adecker1@cc.swarthmore.edu
> Swarthmore, PA
>
> 18. Miriam A E Schmidt
> mschmid1@cc.swarthmore.edu
> Swarthmore, PA
>
> 19. Allison L. Banister
> banister@minerva.cis.yale.edu
> New Haven, CT
>
> 20. Tom Knapp
> rhymer@eves.com
> Lancaster, PA
>
> 21. Trista Levy
> tristalevi@aol.com
> Beacon, NY
>
> 22. Christopher McTiernan
> mctierna@pilot.msu.edu
> East Lansing, MI 48823
> IIC Softwar
>
> 23. Dacia Grayber
> djg32@columbia.edu
> New York, New York 10027
>
> 24. Dan Grayber
> dgrayber@hampshire.edu
> Amherst, MA 01002
>
> 25. David Pasco
> dpasco@bates.edu
> Lewiston, ME 04240
>
> 26. Kate Hine
> khine@bates.edu
> Bates College
> Lewiston, ME 04240
>
> 27. Misty Willard
> University of Richmond
> Richmond, VA
>
> 28. Heidi Walsh
> University of Richmond
> Richmond, VA
>
> 29. Scott A. LaGraize
> slagraiz@s850.mwc.edu
> Mary Washington College
> Fredericksburg, VA
>
> 30. Michael J Lord
mlord@s850.mwc.edu
Mary Washington College
Fredericksburg, VA
>
31. Christopher Williams
cwilliam@s850.mwc.edu
Mary Washington College
Fredericksburg, VA
> 32. Krista J. Mayer
LadyCDawgs@aol.com
Springfield College
Springfield, MA
33. Ward Carpenter
carpentwa@urvax.urich.edu
University of Richmond
Richmond, Va.
34. Katie LaForgia
foga@dartmouth.edu
Dartmouth College
Hanover, NH
35. Tony Field
Tony.Field@Dartmouth.edu
Dartmouth College
Hanover, NH
36.
Date: 07 Apr 96 01:33:26 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings
Hey there all you North American-ers... Don't forget to CHANGE YOUR CLOCKS
forward one hour tonight!
Here's a little Mad Cow joke thanks to Rob.
Happy Easter!
Tony
Two cows are standing in field. The first one says to other:
"How about the Mad Cow disease stuff. Are you worried?"
The second one says, "Why should I worry? I'm a chicken."
Date: 08 Apr 96 02:33:28 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
I hope nobody got caught in the blizzard tonight... There's a winter storm warning for
tonight and tomorrow. Be careful!
Here's one thanks to Ben!
Enjoy,
Tony
> > AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS
> >
> >The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
> >
> >There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
> >
> >Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
> >
> >Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he
> >might be retarded.
> >
> >In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of
> >toast.
> >
> >In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
> >
> >An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
> >
> >The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
> >
> >The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
> >
> >The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000
> >B.C.
> >
> >America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
> >
> >A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her
> >coffee.
> >
> >The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
> >
> >The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
> >
> >Every person has a unique tongue print.
> >
> >Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
> >
> >Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
> >
> >Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
> >
> >About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The
> >rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]
> >
> >Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
> >
> >Most lipstick contains fish scales.
> >
> >Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
> >
> >The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard
Nixon, and
> >Elvis Presley.
> >
> >27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential
> >hell."
> >
> >Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
> >
> >"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
Date: 08 Apr 96 22:35:00 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here are a few church bloopers thanks to Dave. There are a few good chuckles in here...
Enjoy,
Tony
Church Bloopers
===================
These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put
me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the
Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir
will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m.
Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the
Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we
request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in
the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
Date: 11 Apr 96 01:30:04 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's one someone sent me a week ago, but I got it again from Kristin this morning, so I
figured it's worth sending out... It may sound familiar.... :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
The letter to dad:
------------------
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my
$tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a
card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
The Reply:
----------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and
you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Date: 12 Apr 96 02:34:58 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's one that I got from Shannon... Thanks!
Enjoy,
Tony
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The
current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years.
And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose
in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around
and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace me', thinks the
old rooster. 'I've got to do something about this.'
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet
you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the
chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I
challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around
it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for
himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was
more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And
since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap.
I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the
hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start
cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still
maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a
little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead
continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in
front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets
his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is
after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running
around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He
immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........"Darn, that's the third
gay rooster I've bought this month."
Date: 13 Apr 96 02:03:31 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Nicole M. Wiley, Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Today's theme is art...
At the bottom are two shameless plugs for events going on at the Hopkins Center this term.
One is a series of plays featuring students, the other is a plug for the Symphony
Orchestra's concert.
First, though, is a message forwarded to me BY THE CONDUCTOR of the Dartmouth
Symphony Orchestra. So thanks to Tony Princiotti for this one. I never thought I'd get
something like this from my conductor, but....
Enjoy, and read the plugs!
Tony
--- Forwarded Message from Anthony Princiotti ---
How To Cook A Conductor
by David Borque
Ingredients
One large Conductor, or two small Assistant Conductors
Ketchup
2 large cloves
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening (lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu or yogurt
Instructions
First, catch a Conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and
reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils and long articulations and discard. Remove
the hearing aid -- discard (it never worked anyway). Clean the Conductor as you would
squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If you have an older Conductor,
such as one from a Major Orchestra or Summer Music Festival, you may wish to tenderize
by pounding the Conductor on a rock with tympani mallets or by
smashing the Conductor repeatedly between two large cymbals. Examine your Conductor
carefully -- many of them are mostly large intestine. If you have such a Conductor, then
you will have to discard it and catch another.
Next, pour 1/2 of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the Conductor in the wine for at
least 12 hours. (Exceptions: French, American and German conductors often have a beery
taste which some people like; the wine might interfere with this. Use your judgment).
When the Conductor is sufficiently soaked, remove any clothes the Conductor may be
wearing and
rub it all over with the garlic. Then cover with Crisco, using vague, slow, circular motions,
and using care to cover every inch of the Conductor's body with the shortening. If this
looks like fun, you can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first. Then find
an orchestra. Put as much music out as the stands will hold without falling over and make
sure there are lots and lots of really loud passages for everyone: big loud chords for the
winds and brass and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. Rehearse these passages
several times, making sure the brass and winds always play as loud as they can and the
strings are always tremoloing at their highest speed. This should insure adequate flames for
cooking your Conductor. If not, insist on taking every possible repeat, especially adding
the second repeats in really big symphonies! Ideally, you should choose your repertoire to
have as many repeats as possible, but if you have a piece with no repeats in it at all just add
some, claiming that you have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked
just like a repeat" to you and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had
looked at this score.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Conductor on top of
your orchestra (they won't mind, they are used to it) until it's well-tanned and the hair turns
back to its natural color. Be careful not to overcook or the Conductor could end up tasting
like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts, and ketchup to taste,
placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth. If the ego is bitter, sweeten with
honey to taste. Slice your Conductor as you would any turkey and serve accompanied by
the assorted yuppie food and the remaining wine.
WARNING: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as
heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily
high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated
with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the
consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors
has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever."
Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities,
delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.
Thanks to David Borque of the Toronto Symphony for uploading this recipe to the AFM
BBS.
####################################
MAKE SENSE WHO MAY
an evening of 5 short plays by Beckett, Pinter, and Ionesco
directed by Nicole Wiley
featuring the talents of 12 Dartmouth actors
Wed, Thurs, Fri April 17, 18, 19 - 8:00pm
Bentley Theatre
admission 50 cents at the door
The plays include:
SALUTATIONS by Ionesco
APPLICANT by Pinter
WHAT WHERE by Beckett
LEARNING TO WALK by Ionesco
BREATH by Beckett
All 5 plays put together run for about an hour.
For further information, contact Nicole Wiley.
####################################
BEETHOVEN'S 9TH SYMPHONY
by the
DARTMOUTH SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
with the
DARTMOUTH GLEE CLUB, CHAMBER SINGERS, and HANDEL SOCIETY
First show Saturday, May 25th, 8:00pm
**Sold out**
SECOND SHOW (just announced 4/12/96)
Sunday, May 26, 4:00pm
Tickets: $2 undergrads.
As of Thursday morning, there were already 127 peole on the wait list for the second
show, and it hadn't even been announced yet, so if you're interested, pick up your ticket
(or at least reserve it) soon, as they are going incredibly fast. There are only 600+ tickets
remaining for this awesome performance. Come out and enjoy!
Tony
####################################
Date: 14 Apr 96 21:49:13 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Hey - Dartmouth folk - note shameless plugs below!
And now for something completely different:
Enjoy,
Tony
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each
other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you
both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you
want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the
statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the
bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at
them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male
statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down
and I'll crap on it's head."
####################################
MAKE SENSE WHO MAY
an evening of 5 short plays by Beckett, Pinter, and Ionesco
directed by Nicole Wiley
featuring the talents of 12 Dartmouth actors
Wed, Thurs, Fri April 17, 18, 19 - 8:00pm
Bentley Theatre
admission 50 cents at the door
The plays include:
SALUTATIONS by Ionesco
APPLICANT by Pinter
WHAT WHERE by Beckett
LEARNING TO WALK by Ionesco
BREATH by Beckett
All 5 plays put together run for about an hour.
For further information, contact Nicole Wiley.
####################################
BEETHOVEN'S 9TH SYMPHONY
by the
DARTMOUTH SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
with the
DARTMOUTH GLEE CLUB, CHAMBER SINGERS, and HANDEL SOCIETY
SECOND SHOW Sunday, May 26, 4:00pm
Tickets: $2 undergrads.
First show Saturday, May 25th, 8:00pm
**Sold out**
####################################
Date: 16 Apr 96 00:19:25 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings
Here's one that is unfortunately a little too conceivable in our society... Thanks Rob.
Enjoy,
Tony
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation. After a
while one of them said, " you think you have family problems?
Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with
a grown-up daughter and we got married. Late, my father married
my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my
father became my stepson. Also my wife became mother-in-law of
her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother
had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my
father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which
made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my
half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is also the
grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my
child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife
is her own child's aunt, my
son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather. And you
think you have family problems."
Date: 16 Apr 96 19:33:48 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Hey guys, we've got a birthday to celebrate... Please send a big warm happy birthday
message *today* to
s15338sb@umassd.edu
and say Happy 21st Birthday blEI !!!!
(and yes, that's how you spell it, capitalization and all...)
Anyway, here's something that Alexa sent big sister Sariya, so read on! Also, please note
shameless plugs at bottom!
Enjoy,
Tony
WHAT PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD LEARN ABOUT AMERICANS BY
WATCHING BAYWATCH
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow
motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one
actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15
seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are
unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped
via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by
jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts
no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor,
they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
####################################
MAKE SENSE WHO MAY
an evening of 5 short plays by Beckett, Pinter, and Ionesco
directed by Nicole Wiley
featuring the talents of 12 Dartmouth actors
Wed, Thurs, Fri April 17, 18, 19 - 8:00pm
Bentley Theatre
admission 50 cents at the door
The plays include:
SALUTATIONS by Ionesco
APPLICANT by Pinter
WHAT WHERE by Beckett
LEARNING TO WALK by Ionesco
BREATH by Beckett
All 5 plays put together run for about an hour.
For further information, contact Nicole Wiley.
####################################
BEETHOVEN'S 9TH SYMPHONY
by the
DARTMOUTH SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
with the
DARTMOUTH GLEE CLUB, CHAMBER SINGERS, and HANDEL SOCIETY
SECOND SHOW Sunday, May 26, 4:00pm
Tickets: $2 undergrads.
First show Saturday, May 25th, 8:00pm
**Sold out**
####################################
Date: 17 Apr 96 17:38:26 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Hey you Dartmouth people, don't forget that today is the election day for the Student
Assembly! Remember to vote at
http://www.dartmouth.edu/projects/election/
before 8pm today! It takes 2 minutes!
Also, note shameless plugs at bottom...
Finally, more on barnyard animals from Heidi.
Enjoy!
Tony
A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and
asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial
insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the
phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must
mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and
drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and
asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying
down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying
down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and
shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again
he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out
the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says, "Hmmm - that's weird, they are all in
the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."
####################################
MAKE SENSE WHO MAY
an evening of 5 short plays by Beckett, Pinter, and Ionesco
directed by Nicole Wiley
featuring the talents of 12 Dartmouth actors
Wed, Thurs, Fri April 17, 18, 19 - 8:00pm
Bentley Theatre
admission 50 cents at the door
The plays include:
SALUTATIONS by Ionesco
APPLICANT by Pinter
WHAT WHERE by Beckett
LEARNING TO WALK by Ionesco
BREATH by Beckett
All 5 plays put together run for about an hour.
For further information, contact Nicole Wiley.
####################################
BEETHOVEN'S 9TH SYMPHONY
by the
DARTMOUTH SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
with the
DARTMOUTH GLEE CLUB, CHAMBER SINGERS, and HANDEL SOCIETY
SECOND SHOW Sunday, May 26, 4:00pm
Tickets: $2 undergrads.
First show Saturday, May 25th, 8:00pm
**Sold out**
####################################
Date: 18 Apr 96 13:27:28 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Exam Schedule 96S
To: Anthony T. Field
Posted at noon today.
"Enjoy"
Tony
1996 SPRING FINAL EXAMINATION SCHEDULE
This Final Examination Schedule may show that you have a conflict, or three examinations
in one day. You will be able to resolve such problems. The second schedule will list the
rooms used and will be arranged by examination periods. Take-home examinations will
not appear on either schedule.
ANTH 5 Goldstein, Paul S Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
ANTH 42 Endicott, Kirk M Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
ANTH 53 Welsch, Robert L Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ANTH 55 Kan, Sergei A Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
ARAB 3 Gruendler, Beatrice Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ARAB 59 Gruendler, Beatrice Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ARTH 17 Shelton, Andrew Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ARTH 20 Kangas, Steven E Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ARTH 36 Randolph, Adrian W Fri,5/31,10:30-12:30
ARTH 41 Carroll, Jane L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
ARTH 54 Jordan, Jim M Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
ARTH 61 Hockley, Allen Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
ASTR 15 Thorstensen, John Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
BIOL 2 Cahill Jr, George Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
BIOL 15 Langford, George M Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
BIOL 16 Ambros, Victor R Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
BIOL 33 Holmes, Richard T Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
BIOL 41 McClung, Robertson Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
BIOL 71 Rothblatt, Jonathan Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
CHEM 4 Hughes, Russell P Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
CHEM 6 1 Bel Bruno, Joseph Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
CHEM 6 2 Glueck, David Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
CHEM 51 Lemal, David M Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
CHEM 59 Spencer Jr, Thomas Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
CHEM 65 Soderberg, Roger H Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
CHEM 67 Bushweller, John H Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
CHEM 72 Braun, Charles L Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
CHIN 3 1 Rushton, Peter H Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
CHIN 3 2 Rushton, Peter H Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
CHIN 33 Feng, Jian-Ming Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
CHIN 43 Feng, Jian-Ming Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
COCO 1 Boose, Lynda E Fri,5/31,10:30-12:30
COCO 10 Sears, Priscilla F Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
COGS 2 Bharucha, Jamshed Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
COLT 37 Kogan, Vivian Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
COSC 5 Drysdale III, Robert Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
COSC 14 Kreider, Donald L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
COSC 16 Healy Jr, Dennis M Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
COSC 23 Danskin, John M Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
COSC 33 Makedon, Fillia S Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
COSC 37 Jayanti, Prasad Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
DRAM 10 1 Spicer, Margaret E Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
EARS 1 Zantop, Half Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
EARS 3 Feng, Xiahong Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
EARS 8 Oreskes, Naomi Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
EARS 26 Belitz, Kenneth Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
EARS 44 Sonder, Leslie J Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
EARS 64 Sonder, Leslie J Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
EARS 72 Johnson, Gary D Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
EARS 73 Blum, Joel D Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
ECON 1 1 Menge, John A Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
ECON 1 2 Anderson, Patricia Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ECON 1 3 Menge, John A Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
ECON 1 4 Aggarwal, Sheri L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
ECON 2 Fischel, William A Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ECON 10 1 Knetter, Michael M Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ECON 10 2 Knetter, Michael M Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ECON 20 1 Engelhardt, Gary Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ECON 20 2 Engelhardt, Gary Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ECON 21 Aggarwal, Sheri L Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ECON 22 Pikoulakis, E Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ECON 25 Scott, John T Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ECON 26 1 Hooker, Mark A Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
ECON 26 2 Hooker, Mark A Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
ECON 27 Anderson, Patricia Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ECON 29 Marion, Nancy P Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ECON 38 Fischel, William A Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ECON 39 Aizenman, Joshua Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ECON 79 Aizenman, Joshua Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ENGG 152 Kennedy Jr, Francis Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
ENGG 153 Kennedy Jr, Francis Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGL 31 Cosgrove, Peter W Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGL 36 Mansell Jr, Darrel Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGL 45 Jahner, Elaine A Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
ENGL 52 Pease Jr, Donald E Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGL 67 2 Spengemann, W Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
ENGS 1 Gibson, Ursula J Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGS 14 Kreider, Donald L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
ENGS 44 Lynd, Lee R Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ENGS 52 Singh, Sunil Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
ENGS 61 Richter, Horst J Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ENGS 62 Wallis, Graham B Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGS 63 Schulson, Erland M Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGS 106 Cybenko, George Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ENGS 111 Sonnerup, Bengt U Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGS 119 Yin, John Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ENVS 3 Goldburg, Carol B Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
ENVS 45 Roebuck, Bill D Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
FILM 21 Williams, Mark J Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
FILM 41 1 Ehrlich, David Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
FREN 1 1 Stark, Samuel Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
FREN 1 2 Stark, Samuel Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
FREN 2 1 Swain, Virginia E Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
FREN 2 2 Huchard, Cécile Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
FREN 3 1 Desormeaux, Daniel Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
FREN 3 2 Huchard, Cécile Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
FREN 10 1 Kogan, Vivian Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
GEOG 3 Conkey, Laura E Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
GEOG 23 Demko, George J Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
GEOG 48 Karnes, Daniel B Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
GERM 1 Zantop, Susanne M Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GERM 2 Gemünden, Gerd Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GERM 3 Shookman, Ellis R Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
GOVT 4 1 Kreuzer, Marcus Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GOVT 4 2 Friedheim, Daniel Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
GOVT 5 1 Bukovansky, Mlada Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
GOVT 5 2 Pape Jr, Robert A Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
GOVT 6 Masters, Roger D Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
GOVT 37 Mather, Lynn M Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
GOVT 42 Nichols, Thomas M Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
GOVT 46 Vandewalle, Dirk Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GOVT 53 Pape Jr, Robert A Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
GOVT 58 Vandewalle, Dirk Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
GRK 10 Whaley, Lindsay J Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GRK 29 Whaley, Lindsay J Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
GRS 3 Russell, Frank S Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
GRS 11 Stewart, Roberta L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
GRS 26 Ulrich, Roger B Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
HIST 1 Daniell, Jere R Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
HIST 4 Darrow, Margaret H Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
HIST 15 Calloway, Colin G Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
HIST 17 Bontemps, Alexander Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
HIST 50 Estabrook, Carl B Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
HIST 67 Spitzer, Leo Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
HIST 73 Thompson, Roger R Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ITAL 2 Russo, Gerard A Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ITAL 3 1 Jewell, Keala J Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ITAL 65 Jewell, Keala J Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
JAPN 3 1 Watanabe, Ikuko Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
JAPN 3 2 Ishida, Mayumi Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
JAPN 42 Ishida, Mayumi Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
LAT 3 1 Stewart, Roberta L Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
LAT 3 2 Stewart, Roberta L Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
LAT 10 Katz, Phyllis B Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
LAT 26 Marshall, Joseph C Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
MATH 6 Kerr, Megan M Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
MATH 8 Gordon, Carolyn S Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
MATH 13 1 Kerr, Megan M Fri,5/31,1:30-3:30
MATH 13 2 Pop, Florin Fri,5/31,1:30-3:30
MATH 16 Healy Jr, Dennis M Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
MATH 22 Williams, Dana P Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
MATH 23 1 Tilly, Benjamin J Fri,5/31,1:30-3:30
MATH 23 2 Pop, Florin Fri,5/31,1:30-3:30
MATH 33 Davis, Geoffrey M Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
MATH 38 Brown, Edward M Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
MATH 40 Olson, Timothy E Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
MATH 43 Kreider, Donald L Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
MATH 60 Lamperti, John W Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
MUS 2 2 O'Neal, Melinda P Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
MUS 35 Summers, William J Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
NAS 15 Calloway, Colin G Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
NAS 35 Jahner, Elaine A Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
NAS 53 Jocks, Christopher Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PHIL 1 1 Brison, Susan J Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHIL 1 2 Jacobson, Stephen Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHIL 10 Konkle, John W Fri,5/31,10:30-12:30
PHIL 12 Konkle, John W Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PHIL 22 MacLeod, Mary C Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
PHIL 26 MacLeod, Mary C Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
PHIL 35 Jacobson, Stephen Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
PHYS 1 Gleiser, Marcelo Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHYS 4 Huggins, Elisha R Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHYS 14 Mook II, Delo E Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PHYS 17 Watkins Jr, Richard Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
PHYS 42 Walsh, John E Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
PHYS 68 Lewis, H Ralph Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHYS 73 Nunes Jr, Geoffrey Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
PHYS 103 Harris, Joseph D Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PHYS 106 Denton, Richard E Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
PSYC 1 Jernstedt, Christian Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PSYC 10 Pfister, John F Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
PSYC 21 Hughes, Howard C Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
PSYC 23 Hull, Jay G Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PSYC 28 Bharucha, Jamshed Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
PSYC 54 Dickson, Patricia Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
PSYC 65 Taube, Jeffrey S Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
REL 2 Hollywood, Amy M Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
REL 5 Ackerman, Susan Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
REL 6 Benor, Ehud Z Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
REL 53 Jocks, Christopher Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
REL 55 Ackerman, Susan Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
RUSS 3 Sheldon, Richard R Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
RUSS 36 Sheldon, Richard R Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
RUSS 43 Scherr, Barry P Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
RUSS 85 Scherr, Barry P Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
SOCY 1 Cornish, Steven R Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
SPAN 1 1 Vélez, Myrna A Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 1 2 Greene, Patricia V Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 1 3 Oquendo, Carmen L Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 2 1 Spitta, Silvia D Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 2 2 Guzmán-Bueno, G Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 2 3 Schwartz, Lía Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 3 1 Lozano-Renieblas, I Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
SPAN 3 2 Medrano-Pizarro, J Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
SPAN 3 3 Guzmán-Bueno, G Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
SPAN 9 2 Lugo-Ortiz, Agnes Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
SPAN 68 Lugo-Ortiz, Agnes Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
WST 32 Mather, Lynn M Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
WST 36 MacLeod, Mary C Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
Date: 19 Apr 96 22:40:59 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Well, I have 2 midterms next week, so this might be me...
Thanks Sophie!
Enjoy,
Tony
> MOSCOW -- Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for
> the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the
> middle of a championship game!
>
> No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three
> officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed
> with blood and brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart.
> Experts say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis
> or HCE.
>
> "He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says
> Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his
> temples and he screamed in pain. Everyone looked up from their games,
> startled by the noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium,
> his head popped like a firecracker."
>
> Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has
> spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the
> last 25 years. The most recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991,
> when European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was
> reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN. "HCE is an extremely rare
> physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and
> expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the brilliant chess
> expert. "It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain become
> overloaded by the body's own electricity. The explosions happen during
> periods of intense mental activity when lots of current is surging through
> the brain. Victims are highly intelligent people with great powers of
> concentration. Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who
> tended to keep those cerebral circuits overloaded. In a way it could be
> said they were literally too smart for their own good."
>
> Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he
> hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who
> have it will never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know
> much about HCE. And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years
> before research money becomes available."
>
> In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too
> hard for long periods of time. "Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're
> doing things that take lots of mental focus," he recommends.
>
> Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says knowing you
> have the condition can greatly improve your odds of surviving it. A "yes"
> answer to any three of the following seven questions could mean that you
> have HCE:
> 1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can
> indicate overloaded brain circuits.)
> 2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It
> could be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)
> 3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head?
> (This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral
> cortex.)
> 4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your
> checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of HCE is a
> tendency to over-use the brain.)
> 5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples?
> (Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of head
> pressure in times of strong emotion.)
> 6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts and other sweets? (A craving
> for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the
> cranium.)
> 7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE sufferers are often
> introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)
Date: 21 Apr 96 02:37:00 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
In light of weekend activities, here's something to think about. Thanks Jessica...
Enjoy,
Tony
Top 50 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
9 Two hands and just one mouth...
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?" but you don't really have a wife.
She's really your couch. Plus you have nothing but beer
16 You fall off the floor...
17 Discover in morning liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth!
23 Pat Buchanan starts to make sense
24 When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof??
25 Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
26 Only drinking problem is not having a drink right now
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer
29 When vomiting becomes a relief
30 Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right stumble fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you fell asleep
clothed.
32 The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
33 You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs
37 I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39 If you're on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories
40 Even Johnny stops doing jokes about your drinking.
41 The bourbon bottle's empty...that's the problem! - Hey...let's go get some more!
42 Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43 When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass
46 Your LIKE to watch Barney because you're so drunk already!
47 That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48 You find yourself actually enjoying the food at that all night greasy spoon!!!!
49 The Whisky Ainpit Working Anymoer
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you
Date: 22 Apr 96 02:50:24 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings
Notes on British Politics, thanks to Neesha....
Enjoy,
Tony
>The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
>broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government
>plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the
>five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father--a government
employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by
>impregnating the wife.
>
>The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
>arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man
>should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings
>the bell...
>
>Ms Smith: "Good morning."
>
>Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
>
>Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
>
>Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
>especially twins."
>
>Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
>a seat."
>
>Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
>
>Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the
>right thing to do."
>
>Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
>
>Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
>
>Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
>bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
>Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
>
>Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for
>Harry and me."
>
>Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
>every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven
>angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business
>card says, 'I aim to please.'"
>
>Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
>
>Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his
>time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
>with that."
>
>Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
>
>Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at
>this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown
>London."
>
>Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
>
>Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They
>turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so
>difficult to work with."
>
>Ms Smith: "She was?"
>
>Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park
>to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible
>conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
>a good look."
>
>Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
>
>Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so
>excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I
>couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain
>her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots.
>When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
>
>Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?
"
>
>Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work
>a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this
>baby, I shot his one in the front window of a big department store.
"
>
>Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
>
>Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
>can get to work."
>
>Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
>
>Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's
>much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms
>Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
Date: 22 Apr 96 22:44:21 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's something to think about on this first stormy night in Hanover... Also a plug for a
play...
Enjoy,
Tony
(Thanks Heidi, and Amanda)
[Excerpted from the September 24, 1995 Seattle Times who got it from
the Seattle Joke Book III]
-----
It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August to April and May to July.
-----
What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A weekend.
-----
What do you call four straight days of rain in Seattle?
Bumbershoot.
-----
What do you call two weeks of rain in Seattle?
Indian summer.
-----
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
-----
What's the definition of a Seattle optimist?
A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.
-----
What did the Seattle native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Nice tan.
-----
"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but
rain. When do you have summer here?"
"Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."
-----
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world. The pope
went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your
maker." The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can.
The end is near." The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this
year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
-----
A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. He get up the next day and it's raining. It
also rains the day after that, and the day after that. He goes out to lunch and sees a young
kid and ask out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says,
"How do I know? I'm only 6."
###########################
DANCING AT LUGHNASA
by Brian Friel
a Dartmouth Drama Production
directed by Paul Gaffney
starring Morgan Drmaj '96, Jo Weingarten '98, Skye Gurney '99, Suzanne Breselor '97,
Emily Hay '98, Amanda Jones '97, Tercelin Kirtley '98, Timothy McCann '97
Tuesday, April 30 through Friday, May 3, 8pm
Saturday, May 4, 2 and 8pm
$2 students, $7 adult
Date: 23 Apr 96 11:22:48 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Please Read
To: Anthony T. Field
Hi
For those of you who don't know already, there was an error in the computer voting
process for the Student Assembly VP, so a second vote is necessary. Here is the
forwarded bulletin. I will forward the bulletin describing the exact error under the subject
"Error Description" momentarily. Discard it if you aren't interested. Also, note the name
of the write in candidate, should you decide to vote for her, is Meredith Epstein.
Thanks,
Tony
--- Forwarded Bulletin from Patricia M. Moss, Topic: Activities for Students ---
>Date: 22 Apr 1996 16:25:50 EST
>From: Patricia M. Moss
>Subject: DON'T FORGET TO VOTE
>Bulletin Topic: Activities for Students
>Expires: 25 Apr 1996 16:14:37 EST
Don't forget the supplemental election for Student Assembly Vice President because of last
week's computer error!!
The supplementary election will be conducted in a fashion very similar to the first election.
It will begin at 9:00 AM on Tuesday April 23rd and will end at 8:00 PM, Wednesday April
24th.
You can vote any time during that period from any computer connected to the Dartmouth
Network. Simply run Netscape and connect to the following location:
http://www.dartmouth.edu/projects/election/
The only race to appear on the ballot will be the Student Assembly Vice Presidential race.
All classes will be eligible to vote. Because it is impossible to associate a particular vote
with an individual voter once the ballot has been submitted, all the votes submitted for SA
Vice President during the first election will be discarded.
Date: 23 Apr 96 11:26:48 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Error Description
To: Anthony T. Field
--- Forwarded Bulletin from Patricia M. Moss, Topic: Activities for Students ---
>Date: 18 Apr 1996 09:53:35 EST
>From: Patricia M. Moss
>Subject: ELECTION RESULTS PROBLEM
>Bulletin Topic: Activities for Students
>Expires: 25 Apr 1996 09:53:10 EST
Election Results
The Election Advisory Committee (EAC) will be releasing the results of the recently
elected 1997 Class Officers, 1998 Class Officers, 1999 Class Officers, Members of the
Committee on Standards, and Members of Green Key at 8:45 PM on Wednesday at Collis
Information Desk. The EAC will be tallying but not releasing the results of the Student
Assembly President, and Student Assembly Representatives for each class. The results of
these races will not be released until the evening of Wednesday, April 24th.
A supplemental election will be conducted for the Student Assembly Vice President.
Due to computer error, the votes from members of the Class of 1999 for Student Assembly
Vice President were not recorded yesterday morning. It is impossible to know how many
votes were not recorded. The loss of any votes, however, is of great concern to the
Election Advisory Committee and members of the Dartmouth Student body. The Election
Advisory Committee has decided that a supplemental election for SA Vice President will be
conducted on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. At the conclusion of the
supplementary election for SA Vice President, the results of all the Student Assembly
positions will be released. The Election Advisory Committee feels it is important to
withhold these results until the supplementary election is complete so that the results of
other Student Assembly elections do not influence the outcome of the SA Vice Presidential
race.
Explanation of the Problem
The error on the Class of 1999 ballot was a minor typographical error which
resulted in the voting program not recognizing the presence of the SA Vice President race
on the Class of 1999 ballot. Because every class had a different set of races to vote for,
each ballot contained an embedded list of the races appearing on that ballot. When the
ballot was submitted to the voting program, the program looked for this list of races in
order to record the appropriate votes. In the case of the Class of 99 ballot, the SA Vice
President race (normally coded as "savp") was inadvertently coded as "savp3". The result
was that the voting program was unaware of the presence of the SA Vice Presidential race
on the Class of 1999 ballot and thus did not record votes for this race. The votes for all
other races were recorded correctly.
The error in the ballot was detected Tuesday afternoon when an unusual message
was generated by the voting program. The error was corrected. There is a significant
potential, however, for votes to have been lost for the SA Vice Presidential race and as
such, the EAC feels it is important to conduct a supplementary election.
It is important to note that this mistake affects only the SA Vice President race. All
other ballots have been checked and have been working properly since the start of the
election.
Supplementary Election
The supplementary election will be conducted in a fashion very similar to the first
election. It will begin at 9:00 AM on Tuesday April 23rd and will end at 8:00 PM,
Wednesday April 24th. The only race to appear on the ballot will be the Student Assembly
Vice Presidential race. All classes will be eligible to vote. Because it is impossible to
associate a particular vote with an individual voter once the ballot has been submitted, all
the votes submitted for SA Vice President during the first election will be discarded.
SA Vice Presidential candidates will be permitted to campaign until the beginning of
the supplemental election. Candidates will be permitted to spend $20 during that time
period for additional campaign activities and materials. The additional $20 will be provided
to the official candidates by the Election Advisory Committee.
Questions
All questions regarding this issue or any related election issues should be directed to the
chair of the EAC, Linda Kennedy.
Date: 24 Apr 96 01:15:02 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings....
Here are some bumper stickers that I haven't seen before. These are actually pretty
funny...mostly... Thanks Heidi.
Enjoy,
Tony
***** AWARD WINNING BUMPER STICKERS *****
(thoughts for the day & philosophies of life)
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
If ignorance is bliss, some folks must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If you're psychic, think "HONK"
Date: 25 Apr 96 02:24:13 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's one that reminds me of a converation with a friend recently... Are you one of these
people? :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
The Poet and the Scientist
There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in
the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much
conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own buisness, looking out the window at the beauty of the
passing terrain.
The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to
figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you
want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out
the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irratibly asked
again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it
wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give
YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he deciced against it, seeing that the scientist
was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a
question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Them you ask ME a question, and if
I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily
accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the
Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's
question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist
happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a
mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a
long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up
on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia.
After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the
whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into the his hand.
Date: 26 Apr 96 22:31:38 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's one dedicated to my Computer Science class....
Enjoy!
Tony
To C or not to C
Use C, or not use C, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The flags and warnings of a rude compiler,
Or to take arms against a sea of errors,
And by debugging, fix them? To code, to hack,
No more; and by a hack to say we end
The type-check and the thousand other checks
Pascal is heir to, 'tis a compilation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To code, to hack;
To hack! perchance to test: ay, there's the rub;
For in that hacker's bliss what bugs may come,
When we have written out this awful code,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes development of such long life.
The preceeding is reprinted from SIGPLAN Notices, December 1983. It was written by
Wes Munsil during discussions on the topic of whether Pascal or C should be used in a
project.
Write in C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers"
"Write in C."
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Guitar Solo
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the edior is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.
A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
Date: 28 Apr 96 01:42:08 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
I had to change my walkman batteries today. I put them in properly. (see what you learn
from email?) This one's thanks to Kevin.
Enjoy,
Tony
NEWSFLASH!!! NEWSFLASH!!! NEWSFLASH!!!!
A very sad event occurred last night, the Energizer Bunny, after going and going for so
long has unfortunately passed away. The official medical report states that Mr. Bunny died
from a heart attack
brought on by sexual overstimulation. It seems that someone had put his batteries in
backwards and he kept coming...and coming...and coming.....
[oh groan...]
Date: 28 Apr 96 01:51:46 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Student ID Cards
To: Anthony T. Field
If not for the money, do it for giving our id cards a name that we aren't ashamed of.... (not
that the world revolves around the name of an id card... but nonetheless...)
tony
--- Forwarded Bulletin from Linda S. Kennedy, Topic: Activities for Students ---
***
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
$50.00$
That's what you'll win if you are one of the three finalists chosen in the "Name Your Card"
Contest.
Starting next fall, you will be able to use Your ID Card to purchase more goods and
services than ever before at campus locations. There will be be no need for cash with Your
Card. It'll be convenient, flexible, easy-to-use and an easy-to-account-for alternative.
Through Your Card, you'll be able to access four different account plans:
* the Dining Option Plan (DBA or Punches)
* Dartalk
* a new declining balance account, the Discretionary Account, which you'll be able to
use to buy stuff at the Hopkins Center, DCAD, the Skiway, DOC, Dick's House, Kiewit,
the Copy Center, Collis and lots more.
* an Administrative Account, which is for College fees and fines.
This contest is to Name Your Card which will also be the new name for the Validine
Office. To enter, blitz your name and idea to the Validine Office, or stop by the Collis Info
Desk or the Validine Office. It's that easy. And the top three finalists will have $50.00
deposited into this year's DBA or next year's account plan of your choice.
So, what's your best idea? Contest ends April 30 and is open to current Dartmouth College
students only. The final decision on what to Name Your Card is left to the College.
Date: 29 Apr 96 02:58:36 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings....
Here are a few musician jokes, thanks to Timdog. Also, a note about travelling with your
laptop thanks to Rob. (this is serious)
Enjoy,
Tony
************************************************************************
******
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.
------------------------------
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.
------------------------------
Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
A: Shoot 4 of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
------------------------------
Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: How do you make him stop?
A: Put notes on it!
------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: You can tune a lawnmower.
------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.
------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
------------------------------
Q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist,
a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks
it up?
A: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and
the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
------------------------------
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
------------------------------
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding,
he sings.
------------------------------
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
------------------------------
A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
######################
News media have recently reported on the rash of thefts of laptop
computers at airport terminals across the country. Usually, this
involves two or three persons who look for a victim carrying a laptop
and approaching a metal detector. They position themselves in front of
the unsuspecting passenger then stall until the mark puts the laptop
computer on the conveyor belt. The first subject moves through the
metal detector easily. The second subject sets off the detector and
begins a slow process of emptying pockets, removing jewelry, etc.
While this is happening, the first subject takes the laptop as soon as
it apppears on the conveyor belt and moves away quickly. When the
passenger finally gets through the metal detector, the laptop is gone.
The subject that picks it up heads into the gate area and disappears
among the crowd. Sometimes a third subject will take a hand- off from
the first subject and the computer is out of the restricted area before
the mark even knows that it is gone.
This kind of theft is becoming widely practiced and is happening at
airports everywhere. When traveling with a laptop computer try to
avoid lines when entering through the metal detector whenever possible.
If you are not able to do that, delay putting your luggage and laptop
on the conveyor belt until you are sure that you will be the next
person through the metal detector. As you move through the metal
detector keep your eyes on the conveyor belt and watch for your luggage
and laptop to come through, as well as watching for what those in front
of you are picking up.