Date: 01 May 96 03:54:58 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
This tells you how to understand the REAL reason you two broke up.
Enjoy,
Tony
>> BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO... especially when you share the same major.
>>
----------------------------------------
>> PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his
>> Mother.
>> SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
>> RELIGION: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God
>> ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying
>> to dig it up.
>> THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
>> BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
>> PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come
>> down.
>> JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called
>> an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
>> WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
>> BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together,
>> and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
>> ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"
>> HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the
>> other party did in the past.
>> GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
>> ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
>> ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
>> ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with
>> introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really
>> say anything substantively intelligible.
>> EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
>> COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or
>> "His hard drive was more like a floppy."
>> E. ENGINEER.: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and
>> negatives, but..." [okay, yes, I know you're groaning ;-)]
>> ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
>> JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
>> PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness
>> the breakup, are they really single?
>> ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated
>> communication skills.
>> PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
>> CHEMISTRY: They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.
>> COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"
>> MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a country
>> song) to express his or her sorrow.
>> LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
>>
Date: 01 May 96 23:55:22 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's one on the FBI and Pizza, thanks to Timdog.... Also attached is some important
info about a meeting discussing the future of the Dartmouth Education department, so read
up!
Enjoy,
Tony
From a talk by R. James Woolsey, Director of Central Intelligence,
given at a conference on global organized crime.
"Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a true
intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live) that the
FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego. It was
sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with counterintelligence in
Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was
under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an
appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone
conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping
the hospital."
Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of
soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.We
have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service entrance
to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the
front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."
[Click]
###############
###############
Thrusday May 9
8pm
105 Dartmouth (seats 200 so let's pack it)
Dean George Wolford will be talking about the Education Department, why it has been
reviewed in the past, what are reasons for considering termination and what is going on
now. He will then allow any questions of comments from the students.
aj
Let's start telling EVERYONE about this.
It is vital that room is overflowing!!
Date: 03 May 96 02:54:34 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's one on College and Preschool thanks to Kaylee... Also attached is a plug for our
main stage production this term. Check it out. (Also, if you want tickets to Beethoven's
NInth, you better hurry up, the second show is already 3/4 sold out, and the first one is
gone...c'mon people... cultural enrichment...)
Enjoy,
Tony
>>>Top ten reasons college is like preschool...
>>>
>>>10. You cry for your mother.
>>>
>>>9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
>>>
>>>8. Snack time is a necessity.
>>>
>>>7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like
>>> (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
>>>
>>>6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
>>>
>>>5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
>>>
>>>4. You wear big mittens.
>>>
>>>3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
>>>
>>>2. You take naps.
>>>
>>>1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.
Thanks Morgan for this one...
________
Some of the reviews...
"... the most elegant memory play since 'The Glass Menagerie.' " Time Magazine
"carrying both its characters and audience aloft on ... waves of distant music and ecstatic
release ...." New York Times
"Huh huh. Cool" - Beavis
Widely regarded as Brian Friel's masterpiece, this enchanting drama is the delightfully
moving story of five sisters living in a small Irish village in 1936. Told through the
memory of one of the sister's sons, it takes place during the traditional harvest celebration
of Lughnasa, faithfully re-creating the speech, music, clothing and manners of Ireland in
the 1930s.
DANCING AT LUGHNASA
BY BRIAN FRIEL
STARRING:
Suzanne Breselor
Morgan Drmaj
Skye Gurney
Emily Hay
Amanda Jones
Tercelin Kirtley
Tim McCann
Jo Weingarten
Winner of the 1992 Tony Award for Best Play
Tuesday April 30 through Saturday May 4
8:00 p.m.
Saturday May 4
2:00 p.m.
The Moore Theater
Dartmouth undergraduates: $2.
Date: 04 May 96 02:08:02 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's one about three wishes thanks to Kevin...
Enjoy,
Tony
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a
fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she
will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be
really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front
of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome
than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees
weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Date: 06 May 96 02:34:43 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Thinking of transferring to M.I.T.? No need to apply for admission, make them apply to
have you as a student!
Thanks Fi,
Enjoy,
Tony
MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions
department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an
honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective
student's reply:
-----
April 18, 1994
Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now
you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would
be.
But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to
consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.
The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful
indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It
certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we
offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and
cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country)
to writing.
What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is*
tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative
and creative - inside and outside the classroom.
You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39
- than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so
everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises
for you there, too.
Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about
this unique institution? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight,"
just check the appropriate box on the form.
************************************************************************
****
May 5, 1994
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now
you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most
universities would be.
But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to
carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so
selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited
universities in the country.
The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a
powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility
for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn
that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to
limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest
professionals in the country) to classical piano.
What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am*
self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is
funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.
You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more
sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites
such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got
surprises for you there, too.
Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase
your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John
Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
Date: 06 May 96 09:03:33 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: POW-WOW PETITION
To: Anthony T. Field
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE.
POW-WOW ON THE GREEN
The 1996 Dartmouth College Pow-Wow Committee is seeking your support in its
endeavor to hold the annual Pow-Wow on the Green for the following reasons. First, the
Green will be able to accommodate the 1,500 to 2,000 people expected at this year's event.
The Pow-Wow has become too large of an event for it to be held in the BEMA any longer.
Second, the Pow-Wow Committee wants the use of the Green because of its central
location and its accessibility to all of Dartmouth's students. The Pow-Wow fosters
community and the Green allows for greater interaction amongst the students. Dartmouth
students who have never attended the Pow-Wow will be able to see and participate in the
social dances.
The Office of Facilities Operations and Management has repeatedly denied our
requests to hold the Pow-Wow on the Green. We find the reasons FO&M has given us
unconvincing.
First, FO&M argues that the Pow-wow will prove detrimental to the grass. The
Committee does not accept this point simply because the same line of argument was used in
preventing the Pow-wow Committee from using the BEMA in 1989. Anyone involved in
cleaning up the BEMA after the pow-wow agrees that in no way was the BEMA and its
grounds in worse condition than before that Pow-Wow took place. As for the Pow-wow
on the Green last year, the dancing did not adversely affect the grass; in fact, great aims
were taken by Native Americans at Dartmouth and the Native American Program Office to
remove trash and other debris from the site after the Pow-Wow.
The Pow-Wow Committee then brought up the fact that Green Key Weekend is
scheduled to take place on the Green the week following the Pow-Wow. FO&M replied
that Green Key has "history," and has "always been on the Green." Native American
students at Dartmouth and the reason for which this College was created&emdash;to educate
Native American students&emdash;are history in the eyes of the Pow-Wow Committee. The
historical significance of Dartmouth are the Native Americans for whom this school was
built. So to argue that Green Key has a greater historical significance is negligible in the
eyes of the Committee. Based upon the reasons given by the administration, we call for a
re-examination of what the college deems tradition. The written college police, concerning
usage of the Green, does not address tradition as a criteria for holding events on the Green.
Third, FO&M argues that the Pow-Wow brings too many people from outside the
campus onto campus. The Pow-Wow committee organizes the Pow-Wow for this exact
reason; to foster relation between Native American students at Dartmouth and other Native
Americans, as well as non-Natives, from the New England area. NAD, an official
Dartmouth student organization, hosts the event, not non-students.
The Pow-Wow Committee would like to thank you for your consideration in this
matter, and we hope that you will join us in our effort in attaining the use of the Green for
our annual celebration.
We, the undersigned, lend our support to the efforts of the Native Americans at
Dartmouth student organization in their endeavor to change Dartmouth College's policy for
holding events on the Green for their annual Dartmouth Powwow. We believe that the
reasons handed down from the administration are not valid in resricting their activity to the
BEMA or any other location other than the Green.
As members of the Dartmouth community, we would like it to be known that the
policy needs to be changed and also that the annual Pow-wow is indeed a tradition and has
a "history" that must have the full support of this institution.
EVERY 10TH SIGNER, PLEASE FORWARD TO THE "NAD" E-MAIL ACCOUNT.
Name HB/Address Year/Department
1. Brad Evans HB 1009 '98
2. Belinda Ng HB 3053 '98
3. Isabel Choi HB 541
4. Mayank Keshaviah HB 2493 '97
5. Tony Field HB 1544 '97
Date: 06 May 96 23:25:06 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here are some interesting facts about a couple of presidents you may have heard of.
Thanks Mike!
Enjoy,
Tony
>>Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
>>John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
>>Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
>>John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
>>The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
>>Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
>>Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
>>Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
>>Both were shot in the head.
>>Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
>>The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and
to
>>Dallas, respectively.
>>Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy
>>Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
>>Both were assassinated by Southerners.
>>Both were succeeded by Southerners.
>>Both successors were named Johnson.
>>Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
>>Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
>>John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
>>Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
>>Both assassins were known by their three names.
>>Both names comprise fifteen letters.
>>Booth ran from the theater and was captured in a warehouse.
>>Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theater.
>>To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
>>What do you think: Mystery or a statistical co-incidence?
Date: 08 May 96 00:57:10 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Today is Karen.Mangold@Dartmouth.edu's Birthday, so wish her a happy one! (like this:)
Happy Birthday Karen!
Now here's a little something to help you get through that 14 page paper that only seems to
want to be 3 pages...
Enjoy,
Tony
This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also
Found Several Times in the Story Itself
This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second
sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found
several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning
the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is
to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this
is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing
sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This
is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph.
This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a
self-referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the
protagonist of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence
is telling you that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and
twelve years old and strangling his mother. This sentence
comments on the awkward nature of the self referential narrative
form while recognizing the strange and playful detachment it
affords the writer. As if illustrating the point made by the
last sentence, this sentence reminds us, with no trace of
facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from God and
that the world is a better place when graced by the unique joys
and delights they bring to it.
This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and
protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking
and gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the
observation that these are uncertain and difficult times, and
that relationships, even seemingly deep-rooted and permanent
ones, do have a tendency to break down.
Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence
fragments. A sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be
used more later.
This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been
placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which
is also found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa
awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed
transformed into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you
that the preceding sentence is from another story entirely (a
much better one, it must be noted) and has no place at all in
this particular narrative. Despite claims of the preceding
sentence, this sentence feels compelled to inform you that the
story you are reading is in actuality "The Metamorphosis" by Franz
Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by the preceding
sentence is the only sentence which does indeed belong in this
story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by
informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of
literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that
the author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious
sabotage), has so far failed to include even one single sentence
from that stirring document, although he has condescended to use
a small sentence fragment, namely, "When in the course of human
events", embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence.
Showing a keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility
of the average reader with regard to the pointless conceptual
games indulged in by the preceding sentences, this sentence
returns us at last to the scenario of the story by asking the
question, "Why is Billy strangling his mother?" This sentence
attempts to shed some light on the question posed by the
preceding sentence but fails. This sentence, however, succeeds,
in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship between
Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian
complications any astute reader will immediately envision.
Incest. The unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition.
Incest. And notice the sentence fragments? Good literary
device. Will be used more later.
This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the
last sentence in a new paragraph.
This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the
paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title
of this story, which is also found several times in the story
itself. This sentence raises a serious objection to the entire
class of self-referential sentences that merely comment on their
own function or placement within the story e.g., the preceding
four sentences), on the grounds that they are monotonously
predictable, unforgivably self indulgent, and merely serve to
distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which at
this point seems to concern strangulation and incest and who
knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this sentence
is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself a
member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to,
nevertheless also serves merely to distract the reader from the
real subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor
Samsa's inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect
(despite the vociferous counterclaims of other well meaning
although misinformed sentences). This sentence can serve as
either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its
placement.
This is the title of this story, which is also found several
times in the story itself. This is almost the title of the
story, which is found only once in the story itself. This
sentence regretfully states that up to this point the
self-referential mode of narrative has had a paralyzing effect on
the actual progress of the story itself -that is, these sentences
have been so concerned with analyzing themselves and their role
in the story that they have failed by and large to perform their
function as communicators of events and ideas that one hopes
coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short,
the very raisons d'etre of any respectable, hardworking sentence
in the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This
sentence in addition points out the obvious analogy between the
plight of these agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly
afflicted human beings, and it points out the analogous
paralyzing effects wrought by excessive and tortured self-
examination.
The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a
paragraph) is to speculate that if the Declaration of
Independence had been worded and structured as lackadaisically
and incoherently as this story has been so far, there's no
telling what kind of warped libertine society we'd be living in
now or to what depths of decadence the inhabitants of this
country might have sunk, even to the point of deranged and
debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and
needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the
questionable if not downright undesirable quality of referring to
themselves and they sometimes even become run-on sentences or
exhibit other signs of inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded
superfluous redundancies that almost certainly would have
insidious effects on the lifestyle and morals of our
impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or even
murder and maybe that's why Billy is strangling his mother,
because of sentences just like this one , which have no
discernible goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up
anywhere, even in mid
Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years
old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his
mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is
it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry,
sorry. Fragment after fragment. Harder. This is a sentence
that. Fragments. Damn good device.
The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize
for the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the
preceding paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will
not happen again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are
uncertain and difficult times and that aspects of language, even
seemingly stable and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and
meaning, do break down. This sentence adds nothing substantial
to the sentiments of the preceding sentence but merely provides a
concluding sentence to this paragraph, which otherwise might not
have one.
This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism,
tries to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This
sentence tries again, but the attempt is doomed from the start.
This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of
story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to
Billy's frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical,
touching, and beautifully written passage wherein Billy is
reconciled with his father (thus resolving the subliminal
Freudian conflicts obvious to any astute reader) and a final
exciting police chase scene during which Billy is accidentally
shot and killed by a panicky rookie policeman who is
coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although basically in
complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the preceding
action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such allusions to
a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for
the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent
goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook.
Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph.
Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph.
Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph.
The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its
gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry.
The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless
and silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two
paragraphs, and to express regret on the part of us, the more
mature sentences, that the entire tone of this story is such that
it can't seem to communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario.
This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless
apologies found in this story (this one included), which,
although placed here ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed
readers, merely delay in a maddeningly recursive way the
continuation of the by-now nearly forgotten story line.
This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of
the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a
practice that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of
potential havoc, for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself,
why not a lowly subordinate clause, perhaps this very clause? Or
this sentence fragment? Or three words? Two words? One?
Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no
trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult
and uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice
enough to each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human
beings or sentient sentences, should just try harder. I mean,
there is such a thing as free will, there has to be, and this
sentence is proof of it! Neither this sentence nor you, the
reader, is completely helpless in the face of all the pitiless
forces at work in the universe. We should stand our ground, face
facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just try harder. By
the throat. Harder. Harder, harder.
Sorry.
This is the title of this story, which is also found several
times in the story itself.
This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last
sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story.
This is.
Sorry.
Date: 08 May 96 23:05:19 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's a little something for the kiddies thanks to Neesha!
Enjoy,
Tony
>>> IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS!
>>>
>>> AP Online
>>> AP 10/01 2:55 EDT V055
>>> Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
>>> NEW YORK
>>> NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Seseme Street, has
>>> apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead;
>>> including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend,
>>> room- mate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly
>>> holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New
>>> York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
>>>
>>> AP Online
>>> AP 10/01 4:26 EDT V743
>>> Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
>>> NEW YORK
>>> NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Seseme Street muppet, is reported dead at this
>>> hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police.
>>> Kermit-The-Frog, Seseme Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police
>>> stormed the five story tenament building where the bird was holding Maria
>>> hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like
>>> attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic
>>> weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird.
>>> There is no information available concerning Maria.
>>>
>>> AP Online
>>> AP 10/01 8:47 EDT V246
>>> Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
>>> NEW YORK
>>> NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists,
>>> have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by
>>> Police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Seseme
>>> Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed.
>>> Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed
>>> muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy
>>> muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend).
>>> Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local
>>> Hooper's.
>>>
>>> AP Online
>>> AP 10/01 11:15 EDT V543
>>> Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
>>> NEW YORK
>>> NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away
>>> from Seseme Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets.
>>> Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the
>>> police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene
>>> at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk
>>> Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results.
>>> Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert.
>>>
>>> AP Online
>>> AP 10/01 17:25 EDT V927
>>> Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
>>> NEW YORK
>>> NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Seseme Street at five o'clock
>>> this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour
>>> of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds
>>> of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in
>>> their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his
>>> car and beat him with large, styrofome letters. Police again arrived on the
>>> scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very
>>> high.
>>>
>>> AP Online
>>> AP 10/02 0:47 EDT V211
>>> Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
>>> NEW YORK
>>> NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Seseme Street.
>>> Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets
>>> ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting
>>> Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue
>>> firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and
>>> storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets
>>> are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with
>>> counting and alphabet songs.
>>>
>>> AP Online
>>> AP 10/02 9:24 EDT V482
>>> Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
>>> NEW YORK
>>> NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Seseme Street
>>> after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street,
>>> lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night of wild outrage.
>>> Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in
>>> full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be
>>> seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count
>>> was reported running down the street crying and yelling, :"Ten, Ten
>>> Lifeless Mupput Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although
>>> several people reported rug-burns.
>>>
>>> AP Online
>>> AP 10/03 15:35 EDT V335
>>> Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved.
>>> NEW YORK
>>> NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet
>>> Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass
>>> muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:
>>>
>>> I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions
>>> thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip
>>> collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just one
>>> year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet
>>> vote, it was Bert who everone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us
>>> all, "anyone who can hang as many paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can
>>> certainly run the country."
>>>
>>> I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature.
>>> His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was
>>> his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird
>>> wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with
>>> violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to "just get along" with
>>> each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but is wasn't his
>>> fault. It was just some bad seed.
Date: 09 May 96 23:00:47 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings
Well, it's Sariya's Birthday today, so how 'bout everybody send her a big Happy Birthday
message with the smiley of your choice.... Okay?
Sariya.Sharp@Dartmouth.edu
(HAPPY BIRTDHAY SARIYA!!!!! =)
Okay, and here are a couple of things sent to me quite a while ago.... Hope you like
'em...
Enjoy,
Tony
>The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields
>on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the
>aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
>craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break,
>it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during
>flight.
>
>The British had recently built a new locomotive that could
>pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure
>that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the
>testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the
>maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken,
>and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the
>engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of
>the engine cab.
>
>They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the
>FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.
>The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want
>to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
***
> About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission
> took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo
> Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the
> trucks and large vehicles there were two large figures that were dressed in
> full Lunar spacesuits.
> Near by a Navajo sheep herder and his son where watching the strange
> creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The
> two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel.
> Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the
> strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are
> just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became
> very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the
> astronauts.
> The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up
> a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his
> son to translate. His son would not.
> Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate
> and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to
> translate. Finally, with cash in hand someone translated the message,
> "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."
Date: 10 May 96 11:26:59 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
An early one today since it's such a beautiful day...
Notice shameless plug located at bottom please! Should be fun!
Enjoy,
Tony
NORMAN PETERSON OF CHEERS
"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach.... Of course, beer is my life."
"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."
"What's up, Norm?"
"Corners of my mouth, Coach."
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach."
"Beer, Normie?"
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young."
"Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?"
"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."
"What's up, Normie?"
"The temperature under my collar, Coach."
"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going down?"
"What's up, Norm?"
"Everything that's supposed to be."
"Norm comes in, depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face."
"[mutters] Afternoon, everybody."
"Norm? (Norman?)"
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer."
"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a trough of beer and a snorkel."
"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Gimmie another beer."
"Afternoon, everybody."
"Norm!"
"Afternoon, everybody."
"[silence]"
"What will you have, Norm?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out
of that tap."
"Oh, looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"What do you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."
"What do you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"
"[coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody."
"Norm! (Norman!)"
"Still pouring, Norm?"
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."
"What's the good word, Norm?"
"Plop, plop, fizz, fizz."
"Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
"One heartburn cocktail coming up."
"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."
"What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"Hey, everybody."
"[silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich]"
"[carries on both sides of the conversation himself]"
"Norm! (Norman.)"
"How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?"
"Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer."
"[the bar is completely different, since Sam went sailing around
the world and sold the bar]"
"Hey, everybody."
"Norm! [nobody else in the bar says anything]"
"That's it, I'm leaving."
"[comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer,
as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]"
"Norm! (customer)"
"[quietly] Not now!"
"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."
"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can!"
"Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''"
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."
"Whatcha up to Norm? (said by Sam)"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"How's life in the fast lane?"
"Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog-eat-dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
"What's up, Normie?"
"My nipples, it's freezing out there."
#############################
EXPERIENCE SOUTH ASIA!!!
Come one
Come all
to
MILAN'S CULTURE NIGHT
Enjoy a catered dinner by
ROYAL INDIA
DANCING
SINGING & SKITS
FASHION SHOW
Date: Friday, May 10
Time: 6-8 PM
Place: Brace Commons
Entrance Fee: $3
Date: 12 May 96 01:39:59 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's a little Dave Barry thanks to Sariya's Autoreply : )
Enjoy,
Tony
Without some kind of insurance, most people cannot afford modern health care, which is
extrmely expensive, because when you're a hospital patient, you're not merely paying
people to stick big needles into your arm and bring you food made from processed shirt
cardboard; you're also paying them to make you walk around in an absurd garment with
your butt hanging out.
Date: 13 May 96 00:52:47 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Some new perspectives...
Enjoy,
Tony
ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked
in the head like this before.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If
you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take
it back and demand a refund?
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there
to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
ON YOUTH
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
resemble a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at
the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the
occasional division by zero.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be
thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire
was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful
termination of their C programs.
-- Robert Firth
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large
values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find
a rock.
AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and
UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Date: 13 May 96 22:03:06 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings....
Here's a story about wild flowers thanks to Neesha. Definitely a little strange...
Enjoy,
Tony
There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and
jogs at least 5 miles a day. One morning, he looks in the mirror and admires
himself. Until he notices that he is really suntanned all over, except for,
well you know.
He decides to do something about it. So he goes to the beach, completely
undresses, and buries himself in the sand, except for his, well you know,
sticking out.
Two little old ladies come strolling down the beach and one looks down and
says, "there is just no justice in this world".
The other little old lady says, "whatever do you mean?"
The first little old lady points to the protusion in the sand and says "Look
at that!"
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it
When I was 60, I prayed for it
When I was 70, I forgot about it
And now that I'm 80, the damn things grow wild."
Date: 15 May 96 02:31:20 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings....
Anyone looking for a summer job might find comfort in this - not _everyone_ can get a
job, ya know...
Thanks Jess...
Enjoy,
Tony
WHY GOD WILL NEVER GET TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY
1. Only published one book.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. He did not publish it in referenced journals.
5. Some doubt He even wrote it Himself.
6. He is not known for His cooperative work.
7. Sure, He created the world, but what has He done lately?
8. He did not get permission from any review board to work with human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects.
10. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes the whole sample.
11. He rarely comes to class-just tells His students to read the Book.
12. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.
13. Although He only has 10 requirements, His students often fail His tests.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
-faculty members at Kansas State University
-instructors at Allen County Community College
Date: 16 May 96 00:08:02 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Aahhh, spring.....
Enjoy,
Tony
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to
be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't
got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at
least an hour."
Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."
Sherm, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do
the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."
Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it
since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD
LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love,
there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are
right there."
Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention
ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French
fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9
Date: 16 May 96 12:07:35 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: Course Registration
To: Anthony T. Field
Don't forget to register for classes by 4pm today!
connect to:
elective
with darterminal.
tony
Date: 16 May 96 16:35:33 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: 96S Exam Rooms
To: Anthony T. Field
Here are the exam rooms for this term. Below is the Exam Schedule in case you lost it.
Tony
FINAL EXAMINATION ROOM ASSIGNMENTS
1996 Spring
Grade reports will be mailed to Hinman (for students with R in 1996 Summer)or home
addresses (all other non-graduates) about June 14&emdash;grades for graduating seniors will be
mailed to Hinman addresses on Friday, June 7. By vote of the Faculty, every student is
entitled to obtain each of his or her individual grades in the instructor's chosen fashion
(return postcard, word of mouth, department secretary, etc); the Office of the Registrar is
not in a position to release grades other than by the mailed report.
Friday, May 31, 8:00-10:00
Anthropology 53 201F Carpenter
Art History 17 201C Carpenter
Biology 33 Filene
Chemistry 4 107 Steele
Chemistry 6 Sec. 2 Cook
Chemistry 65 201 Steele
Chinese 33 208 Thornton
College Course 10 28 Silsby
Computer Science 37 102 Bradley
Drama 10 Sec. 1 219 Wilson
Earth Sciences 1 101 Fairchild
Earth Sciences 3 111 Wilder
Economics 1 Sec. 2 213 Silsby
Economics 2 1 Rockefeller
Economics 29 113 Silsby
Economics 39 219 Silsby
Engineering 153 135 Cummings
English 31 106 Wentworth
English 36 206 Dartmouth
English 52 105 Dartmouth
Engineering Sciences 1 200 Cummings
Engineering Sciences 62 118 Cummings
Engineering Sciences 63 100 Cummings
Engineering Sciences 111 105 Cummings
Environmental Studies 45 106 Steele
French 2 Sec. 2 103 Dartmouth
Government 4 Sec. 2 104 Thornton
Government 58 217 Dartmouth
History 67 Loew
History 73 108 Reed
Mathematics 38 13 Bradley
Music 35 Faulkner
Native American St. 53 103 Thornton
Philosophy 12 105 Thornton
Physics 14 104 Wilder
Physics 103 115 Wilder
Psychology 1 Spaulding
Psychology 65 103 Gerry
Religion 5 13 Carpenter
Religion 53 103 Thornton
Russian 36 104 44 N. College
Sociology 1 3 Rockefeller
Spanish 3 Sec. 2 109 Dartmouth
Friday, May 31, 10:30-12:30
Art History 36 201C Carpenter
College Course 1 2 Rockefeller
Philosophy 10 105 Dartmouth
Friday, May 31, 1:30-3:30
Mathematics 13 Sec. 1, 2 Filene
Mathematics 23 Sec. 1, 2 102 Bradley
Friday, May 31, 4:00-6:00
Earth Sciences 8 101 Fairchild
English 45 3 Rockefeller
Engineering Sciences 52 100 Cummings
Environmental Studies 3 106 Steele
Geography 23 111 Wilder
Native American St. 35 3 Rockefeller
Saturday, June 1, 8:00-10:00
Art History 20 13 Carpenter
Astronomy 15 115 Wilder
Biology 2 Cook
Chemistry 51 105 Dartmouth
Chemistry 67 107 Steele
Chemistry 72 201 Steele
Chinese 43 208 Thornton
Cognitive Science 2 Filene
Earth Sciences 44 405 Fairchild
Economics 22 101 Fairchild
Economics 25 213 Silsby
Economics 38 113 Silsby
Economics 79 16 Silsby
Engineering Sciences 119 135 Cummings
French 3 Sec. 1 101 Dartmouth
Geography 3 104 Wilder
German 3 Sec. 1 108 Dartmouth
Government 6 28 Silsby
Government 53 2 Rockefeller
Greek & Roman Studies 26 217 Dartmouth
History 17 206 Dartmouth
History 50 104 Reed
Mathematics 6 103 Bradley
Mathematics 8 102 Bradley
Mathematics 40 104 Bradley
Physics 17 104 Gerry
Physics 73 210 Wilder
Psychology 28 Filene
Religion 6 3 Rockefeller
Russian 43 109 44 N. College
Spanish 3 Sec. 3 109 Dartmouth
Saturday, June 1, 10:30-12:30
Economics 1 Sec. 1, 3 28 Silsby
Economics 26 Sec. 1, 2 3 Rockefeller
Film Studies 21 Loew
Film Studies 41 Sec. 1 219 Wilson
Latin 3 Sec. 2 103 Reed
Saturday, June 1, 1:30-3:30
Anthropology 42 201F Carpenter
Anthropology 55 13 Carpenter
Art History 54 201C Carpenter
Biology 41 101 Gilman
Computer Science 5 Filene
Computer Science 33 115 Sudikoff
Earth Sciences 26 405 Fairchild
Earth Sciences 73 226 Fairchild
Government 5 Sec. 1 213 Silsby
Greek 29 103 Reed
Greek & Roman Studies 3 101 Reed
Italian 65 103 Dartmouth
Mathematics 43 104 Gerry
Music 2 Sec. 2 Lower Buck
Philosophy 22 104 Thornton
Psychology 21 2 Rockefeller
Religion 2 1 Rockefeller
Religion 55 3 Rockefeller
Women's Studies 36 104 Thornton
Saturday, June 1, 4:00-6:00
Chinese 3 Sec. 1, 2 208 Thornton
French 1 Sec. 1, 2 217 Dartmouth
Japanese 3 Sec. 1 101 Dartmouth
Japanese 3 Sec. 2 101 Dartmouth
Japanese 42 102 Dartmouth
Spanish 1 Sec. 1, 2, 3 105 Dartmouth
Spanish 2 Sec. 1, 2, 3 206 Dartmouth
Sunday, June 2, 1:00-3:00
Biology 15 Cook
Biology 16 Spaulding
Chemistry 6 Sec. 1 104 Wilder
Chemistry 59 201 Steele
Earth Sciences 72 405 Fairchild
Economics 21 213 Silsby
Economics 27 219 Silsby
Engineering Sciences 44 200 Cummings
Engineering Sciences 61 100 Cummings
Engineering Sciences 106 118 Cummings
French 2 Sec. 1 103 Dartmouth
German 1 106A Dartmouth
German 2 102 Dartmouth
Government 4 Sec. 1 113 Silsby
Government 46 101 Fairchild
Greek 10 106 Reed
History 4 105 Dartmouth
Italian 2 101 Dartmouth
Italian 3 Sec. 1 213 Dartmouth
Latin 3 Sec. 1 101 & 105 Reed
Latin 10 103 Reed
Mathematics 22 102 Bradley
Mathematics 60 103 Bradley
Philosophy 35 209 Thornton
Physics 42 115 Wilder
Psychology 10 2 Rockefeller
Russian 3 109 44 N. College
Russian 85 104 44 N. College
Spanish 3 Sec. 1 109 Dartmouth
Spanish 9 Sec. 2 108 Dartmouth
Sunday, June 2, 4:00-6:00
Anthropology 5 13 Carpenter
Engineering 152 200 Cummings
English 67 Sec. 2 213 Silsby
Geography 48 101 Fairchild
Government 37 3 Rockefeller
History 15 206 Dartmouth
Latin 3 Sec. 2 103 Reed
Native American St. 15 206 Dartmouth
Philosophy 26 209 Thornton
Physics 106 115 Wilder
Psychology 54 102 Bradley
Women's Studies 32 3 Rockefeller
Monday, June 3, 9:00-11:00
Art History 41 201C Carpenter
Computer Science 14 Filene
Computer Science 16 106 Steele
Computer Science 23 102 Bradley
Earth Sciences 64 226 Fairchild
Economics 1 Sec. 4 213 Silsby
Engineering Sciences 14 Filene
French 3 Sec. 2 102 Dartmouth
French 10 Sec. 1 104A Dartmouth
Government 5 Sec. 2 1 Rockefeller
Greek & Roman Studies 11 219 Wilson
History 1 101 Fairchild
Mathematics 16 106 Steele
Mathematics 33 103 Bradley
Philosophy 1 Sec. 1 3 Rockefeller
Philosophy 1 Sec. 2 206 Dartmouth
Physics 1 104 Wilder
Physics 4 111 Wilder
Psychology 23 Spaulding
Monday, June 3, 12:00-2:00
Art History 61 201C Carpenter
Biology 71 101 Gilman
Comparative Lit. 37 217 Dartmouth
Government 42 1 Rockefeller
Latin 26 107 Thornton
Spanish 68 108 Dartmouth
Monday, June 3, 3:00-5:00
Arabic 3 101 Thornton
Arabic 59 101 Thornton
Economics 10 Sec. 1 Filene
Economics 10 Sec. 2 Filene
Economics 20 Sec. 1 1 Rockefeller
Economics 20 Sec. 2 1 Rockefeller
1996 SPRING FINAL EXAMINATION SCHEDULE
This Final Examination Schedule may show that you have a conflict, or three examinations
in one day. You will be able to resolve such problems. The second schedule will list the
rooms used and will be arranged by examination periods. Take-home examinations will
not appear on either schedule.
ANTH 5 Goldstein, Paul S Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
ANTH 42 Endicott, Kirk M Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
ANTH 53 Welsch, Robert L Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ANTH 55 Kan, Sergei A Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
ARAB 3 Gruendler, Beatrice Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ARAB 59 Gruendler, Beatrice Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ARTH 17 Shelton, Andrew Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ARTH 20 Kangas, Steven E Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ARTH 36 Randolph, Adrian W Fri,5/31,10:30-12:30
ARTH 41 Carroll, Jane L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
ARTH 54 Jordan, Jim M Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
ARTH 61 Hockley, Allen Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
ASTR 15 Thorstensen, John Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
BIOL 2 Cahill Jr, George Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
BIOL 15 Langford, George M Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
BIOL 16 Ambros, Victor R Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
BIOL 33 Holmes, Richard T Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
BIOL 41 McClung, Robertson Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
BIOL 71 Rothblatt, Jonathan Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
CHEM 4 Hughes, Russell P Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
CHEM 6 1 Bel Bruno, Joseph Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
CHEM 6 2 Glueck, David Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
CHEM 51 Lemal, David M Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
CHEM 59 Spencer Jr, Thomas Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
CHEM 65 Soderberg, Roger H Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
CHEM 67 Bushweller, John H Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
CHEM 72 Braun, Charles L Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
CHIN 3 1 Rushton, Peter H Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
CHIN 3 2 Rushton, Peter H Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
CHIN 33 Feng, Jian-Ming Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
CHIN 43 Feng, Jian-Ming Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
COCO 1 Boose, Lynda E Fri,5/31,10:30-12:30
COCO 10 Sears, Priscilla F Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
COGS 2 Bharucha, Jamshed Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
COLT 37 Kogan, Vivian Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
COSC 5 Drysdale III, Robert Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
COSC 14 Kreider, Donald L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
COSC 16 Healy Jr, Dennis M Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
COSC 23 Danskin, John M Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
COSC 33 Makedon, Fillia S Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
COSC 37 Jayanti, Prasad Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
DRAM 10 1 Spicer, Margaret E Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
EARS 1 Zantop, Half Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
EARS 3 Feng, Xiahong Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
EARS 8 Oreskes, Naomi Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
EARS 26 Belitz, Kenneth Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
EARS 44 Sonder, Leslie J Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
EARS 64 Sonder, Leslie J Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
EARS 72 Johnson, Gary D Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
EARS 73 Blum, Joel D Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
ECON 1 1 Menge, John A Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
ECON 1 2 Anderson, Patricia Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ECON 1 3 Menge, John A Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
ECON 1 4 Aggarwal, Sheri L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
ECON 2 Fischel, William A Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ECON 10 1 Knetter, Michael M Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ECON 10 2 Knetter, Michael M Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ECON 20 1 Engelhardt, Gary Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ECON 20 2 Engelhardt, Gary Mon,6/3,3:00-5:00
ECON 21 Aggarwal, Sheri L Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ECON 22 Pikoulakis, E Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ECON 25 Scott, John T Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ECON 26 1 Hooker, Mark A Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
ECON 26 2 Hooker, Mark A Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
ECON 27 Anderson, Patricia Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ECON 29 Marion, Nancy P Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ECON 38 Fischel, William A Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ECON 39 Aizenman, Joshua Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ECON 79 Aizenman, Joshua Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ENGG 152 Kennedy Jr, Francis Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
ENGG 153 Kennedy Jr, Francis Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGL 31 Cosgrove, Peter W Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGL 36 Mansell Jr, Darrel Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGL 45 Jahner, Elaine A Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
ENGL 52 Pease Jr, Donald E Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGL 67 2 Spengemann, W Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
ENGS 1 Gibson, Ursula J Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGS 14 Kreider, Donald L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
ENGS 44 Lynd, Lee R Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ENGS 52 Singh, Sunil Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
ENGS 61 Richter, Horst J Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ENGS 62 Wallis, Graham B Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGS 63 Schulson, Erland M Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGS 106 Cybenko, George Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ENGS 111 Sonnerup, Bengt U Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ENGS 119 Yin, John Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
ENVS 3 Goldburg, Carol B Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
ENVS 45 Roebuck, Bill D Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
FILM 21 Williams, Mark J Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
FILM 41 1 Ehrlich, David Sat,6/1,10:30-12:30
FREN 1 1 Stark, Samuel Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
FREN 1 2 Stark, Samuel Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
FREN 2 1 Swain, Virginia E Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
FREN 2 2 Huchard, Cécile Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
FREN 3 1 Desormeaux, Daniel Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
FREN 3 2 Huchard, Cécile Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
FREN 10 1 Kogan, Vivian Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
GEOG 3 Conkey, Laura E Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
GEOG 23 Demko, George J Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
GEOG 48 Karnes, Daniel B Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
GERM 1 Zantop, Susanne M Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GERM 2 Gemünden, Gerd Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GERM 3 Shookman, Ellis R Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
GOVT 4 1 Kreuzer, Marcus Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GOVT 4 2 Friedheim, Daniel Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
GOVT 5 1 Bukovansky, Mlada Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
GOVT 5 2 Pape Jr, Robert A Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
GOVT 6 Masters, Roger D Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
GOVT 37 Mather, Lynn M Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
GOVT 42 Nichols, Thomas M Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
GOVT 46 Vandewalle, Dirk Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GOVT 53 Pape Jr, Robert A Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
GOVT 58 Vandewalle, Dirk Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
GRK 10 Whaley, Lindsay J Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
GRK 29 Whaley, Lindsay J Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
GRS 3 Russell, Frank S Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
GRS 11 Stewart, Roberta L Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
GRS 26 Ulrich, Roger B Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
HIST 1 Daniell, Jere R Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
HIST 4 Darrow, Margaret H Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
HIST 15 Calloway, Colin G Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
HIST 17 Bontemps, Alexander Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
HIST 50 Estabrook, Carl B Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
HIST 67 Spitzer, Leo Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
HIST 73 Thompson, Roger R Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
ITAL 2 Russo, Gerard A Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ITAL 3 1 Jewell, Keala J Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
ITAL 65 Jewell, Keala J Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
JAPN 3 1 Watanabe, Ikuko Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
JAPN 3 2 Ishida, Mayumi Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
JAPN 42 Ishida, Mayumi Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
LAT 3 1 Stewart, Roberta L Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
LAT 3 2 Stewart, Roberta L Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
LAT 10 Katz, Phyllis B Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
LAT 26 Marshall, Joseph C Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
MATH 6 Kerr, Megan M Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
MATH 8 Gordon, Carolyn S Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
MATH 13 1 Kerr, Megan M Fri,5/31,1:30-3:30
MATH 13 2 Pop, Florin Fri,5/31,1:30-3:30
MATH 16 Healy Jr, Dennis M Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
MATH 22 Williams, Dana P Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
MATH 23 1 Tilly, Benjamin J Fri,5/31,1:30-3:30
MATH 23 2 Pop, Florin Fri,5/31,1:30-3:30
MATH 33 Davis, Geoffrey M Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
MATH 38 Brown, Edward M Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
MATH 40 Olson, Timothy E Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
MATH 43 Kreider, Donald L Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
MATH 60 Lamperti, John W Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
MUS 2 2 O'Neal, Melinda P Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
MUS 35 Summers, William J Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
NAS 15 Calloway, Colin G Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
NAS 35 Jahner, Elaine A Fri,5/31,4:00-6:00
NAS 53 Jocks, Christopher Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PHIL 1 1 Brison, Susan J Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHIL 1 2 Jacobson, Stephen Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHIL 10 Konkle, John W Fri,5/31,10:30-12:30
PHIL 12 Konkle, John W Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PHIL 22 MacLeod, Mary C Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
PHIL 26 MacLeod, Mary C Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
PHIL 35 Jacobson, Stephen Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
PHYS 1 Gleiser, Marcelo Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHYS 4 Huggins, Elisha R Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHYS 14 Mook II, Delo E Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PHYS 17 Watkins Jr, Richard Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
PHYS 42 Walsh, John E Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
PHYS 68 Lewis, H Ralph Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PHYS 73 Nunes Jr, Geoffrey Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
PHYS 103 Harris, Joseph D Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PHYS 106 Denton, Richard E Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
PSYC 1 Jernstedt, Christian Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
PSYC 10 Pfister, John F Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
PSYC 21 Hughes, Howard C Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
PSYC 23 Hull, Jay G Mon,6/3,9:00-11:00
PSYC 28 Bharucha, Jamshed Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
PSYC 54 Dickson, Patricia Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
PSYC 65 Taube, Jeffrey S Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
REL 2 Hollywood, Amy M Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
REL 5 Ackerman, Susan Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
REL 6 Benor, Ehud Z Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
REL 53 Jocks, Christopher Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
REL 55 Ackerman, Susan Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
RUSS 3 Sheldon, Richard R Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
RUSS 36 Sheldon, Richard R Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
RUSS 43 Scherr, Barry P Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
RUSS 85 Scherr, Barry P Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
SOCY 1 Cornish, Steven R Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
SPAN 1 1 Vélez, Myrna A Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 1 2 Greene, Patricia V Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 1 3 Oquendo, Carmen L Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 2 1 Spitta, Silvia D Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 2 2 Guzmán-Bueno, G Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 2 3 Schwartz, Lía Sat,6/1,4:00-6:00
SPAN 3 1 Lozano-Renieblas, I Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
SPAN 3 2 Medrano-Pizarro, J Fri,5/31,8:00-10:00
SPAN 3 3 Guzmán-Bueno, G Sat,6/1,8:00-10:00
SPAN 9 2 Lugo-Ortiz, Agnes Sun,6/2,1:00-3:00
SPAN 68 Lugo-Ortiz, Agnes Mon,6/3,12:00-2:00
WST 32 Mather, Lynn M Sun,6/2,4:00-6:00
WST 36 MacLeod, Mary C Sat,6/1,1:30-3:30
Date: 18 May 96 23:40:46 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here is some revenge for those Engineers... Thanks Amanda,
Enjoy,
Tony
> > The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> > The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> > The graduate with an Economics degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> > The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like a hot apple
> > pie with that?"
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
> > Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
> > Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
> > watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side
> > of the street.
> >
> > First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
> > After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
> >
> > The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
> > The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
> > The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will
> > be empty again."
> > ----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
> > designers of the human body.
> >
> > One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
> >
> > Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
> > has
> > many thousands of electrical connections.''
> >
> > The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
> > toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with
> > a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible
> > amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a
> > circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will
> > use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
> > The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of
> > infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
> > the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
> > the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
> > thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
> > define myself to be on the outside!"
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> >
> > In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are
> > about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block,
> > they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's
> > been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer
> > is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
> > blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime
> > and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into
> > the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait
> > a minute, I see your problem......"
> > ----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
> > Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after
> > the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
> > money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
> > mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
> >
> > The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
> > variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their
> > previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
> > probability of winning..."
> >
> > "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But
> > before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
> > they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a
> > man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his
> > secret.
> >
> > "Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
> > horses were identical and spherical..."
Date: 20 May 96 02:35:08 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
I hope all of you had a great Green Key weekend, I know I did! (so i'll be up till about 9am
tonight :-)
Here are a few one-liners stolen from Chris. (thanks!)
Enjoy,
Tony
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Date: 22 May 96 00:41:23 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
It's been a long day at work today. I think I heard some of these... :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
EXCUSES FOR MISSING A DAY OF WORK
From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post
A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses
to miss a day of work.
_________________________________________________________________
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power
source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I
will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her
eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
_________________________________________________________________
Date: 23 May 96 01:35:02 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Can't get your engineering project done on time? Here are a few key words that might help
beef up an otherwise pathetic attempt :-) (Thanks Timdog)
Enjoy,
Tony
******************************************
Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still
pissing
in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE
PROBLEM -
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-
tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind
schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing
blew up
when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the
stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person
who
understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation
is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to
say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
Date: 26 May 96 00:15:01 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings everyone...
No TFS the last few days because I was buried in orchestra rehearsals for the last 72 hours
non-stop (no kidding!). Last performance of Beethoven's Symphony no. 9 is tomorrow
afternoon in the Hop, come check it out!! (tickets are being scalped for only $8 i hear...)
Now something that I stole from Chris... :-) This is how the universe is run.
Enjoy,
Tony
"If God was a college student, He wouldn't have created the world in 7 days...He would
have messed around for 6 and pulled an all nighter."
Date: 27 May 96 22:14:56 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings
Well, according to my sleep pattern, this is still Saturday, so don't mind me if i'm a little
confused... Anyway, here's a little tidbit on cat washing from Rob, and attached is a plug
for a student production worth checking out!
Enjoy,
Tony
CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their
saliva that works like new, improved Wisk-----dislodging the dirt where it
hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the
kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm
and head for the bathtub:
-----Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very
small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as
if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A
berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a
politician can shift positions.)
-----Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a
hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-----Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure.
Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in
the water.
-----Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as
if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
-----Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the
tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of
your life.
-----Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur,
and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him
for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't
expect too much.)
-----Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You
simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him
loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained
from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and
injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
VICIOUS CYCLE
written by Jay Hanlon '97
directed by Morgan Drmaj '95
starring: Marc Bruni '99, Dave Canny '97, Gretchen Lanka '97, Eyal Podell '97, Lani
Seville Sipe '98, and Fercos Rocks '00
Monday, May 27 8pm
Tues, May 28 7pm and 9pm
See it with an enemy...
Date: 29 May 96 02:15:45 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
This may have been adapted from a real story at Cornell...
Or maybe not...
Thanks amanda.
Also attached, is a plug for a free concert tomorrow on the green! Come check us out!
Enjoy,
Tony
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was
a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would
ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the
balcony and jump off.
Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat
the whole process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until
curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to
the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping
off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back
again. How do you do it?"
"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that
when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently.
It's lots of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought
to himself, 'Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks
a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony,
jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat.
The bartender looks over at the first guy and says,
"Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
DARTMOUTH WIND SYMPHONY
presents...
"Freedman's Frolic" Study Break Concert
Wednesday, May 29, 1996
2pm
Baker lawn
(rain location: Top of the Hop)
Take a break for an hour and come on by! Features include soloist Dave Mattingly '96 on
clarinet and yours truly "showing a little leg." Also, the infamous medley of Dartmouth
tunes, Dartmouth Fantasy.
Tell all your friends!
**If you feel like you really should be studying, bring your books!**
Neesha =)
ps--if you get this twice, it just means I want you to come that much more! =)
Date: 29 May 96 22:50:02 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's some Steven Wright, but first, my friend Sariya@Dartmouth.edu is so excited
about finally being able to read again during her upcoming off term that she was wondering
if you could blitz her the title (and author if possible) of your favourite book or two? and if
you're interested in having a list of fellow-student-recommended books she'd be happy to
pass it on if anyone answers her =)
Enjoy,
Tony
> I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign
> below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the
> boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
> My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice,
> except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
>
> There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
> idiot.
>
> I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like
> I'm the only one moving.
>
> Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line.
> He caught every other fish.
>
> I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
>
> I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
>the place.
>
> I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave
> a message and I'll call when I'm out."
>
> I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must
> be really tired.
>
> A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I
> said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push
> down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right
> off. And see this thing? This steers it."
>
> I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you
> know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going
> to be out that long..."
>
> One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't
> you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
> read."
>
> I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I
> get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to
> see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
>
> The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who
> in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
>
> I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven,
> time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's
> real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went
>
> down to the
> end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there,
> and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
>
> I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
> going to be up all night. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked
> me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
>
> I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
>
> I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
> sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
>
> I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
> backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend,
> he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
>
> I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
> "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores
> me and keeps typing.
> I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
>
> If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
>
> [Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one
> partO.
>
> They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
> of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
>
> I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
>
> When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was
> an only child...eventually.
>
> When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third;
> I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest
> distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that
> knowledge.
>
>
> My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the
> band."
>
> When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then
> put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell
> him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
>
> Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that
> you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch
> yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
>
> Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
> forgotten this before.
> Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
>
> I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing
> what I was doing.
> What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
>
> My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
> 1912...Well, to make a long story short...
>
> My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of
> Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest
> of the afternoon's appointments.
>
> One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
> gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she
> said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my
> analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the
> problem?" She
> replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
> sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus."
> So she said,
> "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish
> cowboys...by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name
> is Bucky Goldstein..."
>
> I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I
> pushed "1" and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said,
> "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two
> tumbleweed blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and
> said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We
> got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone
> rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?". The
> other side said, "Is this
> Steven Wright?". I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student
> loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments,
> and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
> loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I
> said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my
> friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it
> if you never called me again."
>
> The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
> in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
>
> I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm
> in a submarine that's been hit.
> It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
>
> I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys
> in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a
> child.
>
> I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
> beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
>
> I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got
> some flip-up contact lenses.
>
> I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote
> "Doctor". What's my mother going to do?
>
> He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He
> designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
>
> I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
> and four people died.
>
> A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
> You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
>
> I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the
> funeral in one car.
>
> My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, butshe
> got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch
> it was to think about sandpaper.
>
> I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called,
> "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til
> Spring."
>
> My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said,
> "the whole time."
>
> It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just
> stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
>
> I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every
> once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
> written that."
>
> When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
> with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
>
> Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I
> think George is weird, because he has false teeth...with braces on them.
> George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't
> hear him talk.
>
> If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
> what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
>
> Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
> picture.
>
> I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys
> in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
>
> In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel
> over what I considered to be an odd number.
>
> I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile=
> 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the
> world. I hardly ever unroll it.
>
> Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
> whipped out a quarter?
>
> I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
>
> I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I
> got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
>
> This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor,
> then lifts it]...gutter...
>
> I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored
> a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another
> one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
>
> I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The
> whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it. We were walking through
> New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all
> your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars
> I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he
> gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
Date: 31 May 96 02:39:35 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Thanks to those who responded to Sariya@Dartmouth.edu's request for titles of your
favourite books! She appreciates it very much!
Now here's something that probably _won't_ show up in your exams that start tomorrow.
Good luck everyone!
Enjoy,
Tony
Date: 31 May 96 10:20:19 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side (Oops!)
To: Anthony T. Field
Uh... Hi...
It seems that exams have affected me more than I thought, and I forgot to paste the joke to
the bottom of my message before sending it and subsequently going to bed before it
finished sending... (oops!) (Thanks to the dozens of people who pointed this out to me...)
So.... here's what you were _supposed_ to get last night!
Absent-mindedly yours,
Tony
>> General Education Distributive requirement Final Exam
>>
>> Time Limit: 3 WKS
>>
>>
>>
>> 1. What language is spoken in France?
>>
>>
>> 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
>> particular reference to architecture, literature,
>> law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre
> Trudeau.
>>
>>
>> 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
>> (a) build a bridge
>> (b) sail the ocean
>> (c) lead an army or
>> (d) WRITE A PLAY
>>
>> 4. What religion is the Pope?
>> (a) Jewish
>> (b) Catholic
>> (c) Hindu
>> (d) Polish
>> (e) Agnostic
>> (check only one)
>>
>> 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
>>
>>
>> 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
>> is on the 5?
>>
>>
>> 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
>>
>>
>> 8. What are people in America's far north called?
>> (a) Westerners
>> (b) Southerners
>> (c) Northerners
>>
>> 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
>> Bush:
>> Carter:
>> Clinton:
>>
>> 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
>> George the Sixth. Name the previous
>> five.
>>
>>
>> 11. Where does rain come from?
>> (a) Macy's
>> (b) a 7-11
>> (c) Canada
>> (d) the sky
>>
>> 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
>> (a) yes
>> (b) no
>>
>> 13. What are coat hangers used for?
>>
>>
>> 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
>>
>>
>> 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
>> your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
>>
>>
>> 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
>>
>>
>> 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
>> (a) New York
>> (b) Florida
>> (c) Canada
>> (d) Wisconsin
>>
>> 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
>>
>>
>> 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
>>
>>
>> 20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
>> (approximately)?
>> (a) B.C.
>> (b) A.D.