Date: 01 Jun 96 02:29:03 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Well, I couldn't believe it when Mark sent me this, but he actually completed the exam that
I sent out yesterday - rather, the exam that I _tried_ to send out yesterday... Anyway, here
it is.
But first, something to try on your physics exam.
Enjoy,
Tony
The Dark Sucker Theory
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
>> General Education Distributive requirement Final Exam
>>
>> Time Limit: 3 WKS
>>
>>
>>
>> 1. What language is spoken in France?
1 love. everybody knows that.
>> 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
>> particular reference to architecture, literature,
>> law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre
> Trudeau.
2. it's really Pierre-Francois. the french go for those hyphenated first names
>> 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
>> (a) build a bridge
>> (b) sail the ocean
>> (c) lead an army or
>> (d) WRITE A PLAY
3. certainly not write a play. thy guy doesn't even write in english.
>> 4. What religion is the Pope?
>> (a) Jewish
>> (b) Catholic
>> (c) Hindu
>> (d) Polish
>> (e) Agnostic
>> (check only one)
4. Polish. Polish is obviously a religion. why else would people suffer so much to lay
claim to the most fought-over piece of land in central Europe?
>> 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
5. I don't acknowledge the meter as a unit. it is a creation of the godless scientific
rationalism of the French Revolution.
>> 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
>> is on the 5?
6. Who owns anolog watches in this day and age?
>> 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
7. one - "the golden rule is that there is no golden rule"
>> 8. What are people in America's far north called?
>> (a) Westerners
>> (b) Southerners
8. crazy
>> 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
>> Bush:
>> Carter:
>> Clinton:
9. Bush: a secondary sex charactaristic
Carter: peanut farmer
Clinton: Republican
>> 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
>> George the Sixth. Name the previous
>> five.
10. duh.
>> 11. Where does rain come from?
>> (a) Macy's
>> (b) a 7-11
>> (c) Canada
>> (d) the sky
11. Canada. they complain about our causing acid rain, but we wouldn't have any rain at
all if it werenn't for them.
>> 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
>> (a) yes
>> (b) no
12. sure: Bikini Atoll
>> 13. What are coat hangers used for?
13. breaking into your car when you lock yourself out
>> 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
14. what are you, some sort of stupid Communist?
>> 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
>> your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
15. Le Chatelier's pricipla states that if I expend too much creativity on these answers, I
will do more poorly on my finals to balance everything out.
>> 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
16. I don't know, look for the beer taps
>> 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
>> (a) New York
>> (b) Florida
>> (c) Canada
>> (d) Wisconsin
17. none of the above. California Uber Alles.
>> 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
18. too many. apples make me barf.
>> 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
19. Seinfeld.
>> 20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
>> (approximately)?
>> (a) B.C.
>> (b) A.D.
20. as long as we're denying reality, we might as well say B.C.
Date: 02 Jun 96 01:39:47 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Been studying too much? Forget how to undertand the real world? Try this recipe for
Chocolate Chip cookies translated for people who have studied way too much lately...
Study Break!!
Enjoy (Yum!)
Tony
The Chemist's Recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies
The following recipe for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in
Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed
to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp.
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avain albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three
with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100
rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.
To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous
mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant
agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any
temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture
piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period
of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate
expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer
table allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Date: 03 Jun 96 23:12:46 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's one that I stole from Chris... Hope you like it!
Hey - if you aren't going to be here in te summer, or if you need to be temporarily removed
from TFS, or whatever, just let me know...
Have a great summer!
Enjoy,
Tony
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall
Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36
p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed
of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Pearls of wisdom: never have the right clasp. (kristen lambert, Rome - Italy)
Date: 06 Jun 96 02:15:30 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Well, one more year has come to a close (I survived!) and so a lot of you will be starting
vacations...
The Farther Side will continue throughout the summer, though probably not as often as
now. If you would like to be removed from the list, please let me know. Also, if you
know anyone whose name you would like me to add to my list, please forward it!
Have a great summer!!
Enjoy,
Tony
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of
really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick
that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a
landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very
nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one
guy working alone on the fifth floor.
Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi, where am
I?"
The solitary office worker replies:
"You're in an airplane."
The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind
landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines
cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how
he did it.
"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple
question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely
useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there,
the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"
Date: 07 Jun 96 00:38:42 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Something to think about...
Enjoy,
Tony
> > LIFE:
> > People who go to university are incredible.
> >
> > We go to classes. We read and absorb and are comprehensively tested on
> > heavy amounts of varoius materials. We sleep very little. We drink
> > ourselves into oblivion. We kill ourselves with several types of smoke.
> > We cough and keep smoking. Someone is always sick. Someone is always
> > complaining.
> >
> > We become attached to close friends. We smother each other. We lean
> > too much.
> >
> > We think often of the past and want to go back. We know we cannot. We
> > all have separate lives, families, backgrounds and pasts. We live totally
> > different from how we used to live. We are frustrated and sometimes want
> > to give up, but we never stop trying.
> >
> > We disregard health. We eat awful foods. We are forced to think about the
> > future. We are scared and
> > confused. We reach out for things, yet we don't find them. We try to sort
> > out our minds, which are filled with studies, worries, problems,
> > memories, emotions--powerful feelings. We wander the halls looking for
> > happiness.
> >
> > We hurt--a lot.
> >
> > We keep going, though, because above all else, we never stop learning,
> > growing, changing, and most important dreaming. Dreams keep us going and
> > they always will. All we can do is be thankful that we have something to
> > hold onto, like dreams and each other.
Date: 08 Jun 96 02:49:32 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Today is the birthday of someone who is very important to me. Please send a quick Happy
Birthday message to
Karin.Chesebro@Dartmouth.edu
I know she'd appreciate it!
And now, something that seemed really funny at 2:45am... :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
To err is human, to forgive is divine
to moo is bovine
to bleat is ovine
to oink is procine
to howl is lupine
to bark is canine
to purr is feline
this list is assinine.
Date: 10 Jun 96 02:30:26 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here is some stuff from my friend Kevin while browsing the internet. Some background
for non-dartmouth students: DND = Dartmouth Name Directory (electronic phone book)
Blitzmail = the email program/system that we made for ourselves here at Dartmouth. 'to
blitz' = verb meaning to email. Also attached is a quote that I thought was cool, almost
reminiscent of today's valedictory address at our Commencement...
Enjoy,
Tony
Hmmm. You know you have waaay too much time when you start exploring the DND.
Here are a few of the super-funky blitzmail nicknames I *actually* found (these are real
people!) The more I think about it, it'd be pretty weird to have your prof look up your
name and find some of *these* next to it. Then again, some of these people are College
administrators of some type! (P.S. - I guarantee that you know some of these people.)
----------------------------------------
1)SuperChicken
2)Thelittlegreentoadthathidesinyoursockdrawer
3)Ifionlyhadabrain
4)Sugah Lickah
5)Girlfrogsarebetterthanfrogboys
6)Terminator Sex
7)Bunnicula
8)MoonStruck
9)Asquamchumakee
10)Snortinmysleep
11)BitchWoman
12)SubwayKing
13)God of F€€€
14)Tonsil Hockey
15)Hoochie
16)Jive Ass
17)Ass Boxer
18)Evilchick
19)Love Taco
20)TheGimp
21)Anyone
22)Nobody
21)Myself
22)Mephistopheles
23)Waterbuffalo
24)Pestilence
25)DeusExMachina
26)The Accidental Nun
27)Toepick
28)IMarriedPrincessFrozenGrapefruit
29)Raskolnikov
30)EdTheCow
31)Lite Brite
32)HappyHappyJoyJoy
33)Native American Barbie
34)DealingWithAdversity
35)Smooooth Operator
36)Uncle Fungus
37)Alcoholics Unanimous
38)ORL Hates Me (no, this is not my own)
39)Pagan Baby
40)ProudestMonkey
To live content with small means, to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather
than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy not rich; to study hard, think
quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open
heart; to bear all cheefully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never: In a word, to let
the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common. This is to be my
symphony. --William Henry Channing
Date: 16 Jun 96 12:49:55 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Well, I'm leaving campus now for the term, and from now on the Farther Side will be
much less frequent. I am still on email at home though, same address as this. Anyway,
here's a little something that might remind you of the good ol' days when you didn't have
to worry about things like classes.... grades....
Enjoy,
Tony
>>> . -- .
>>> ( )
>>> ( (/oo\) )
>>> ( \''/ ) WW
>>> ( \/ ) wwwwww /__\
>>> ( ) w"ww ww"w | oo | _WWWWW_
>>> ( ) W o""o W (o)(o) (|_()_|) / o o \ (+)(+)
>>> oo ( )W ______ W w" "w \__/ (| __O__ |)/ \
>>> w"()"w ( ) "w \_\/_/ w" W -====- W /|\/|\ \ \___/ / \ -==- /
>>> W -==- W ' -- ' ww""wwwwww""ww "w w" |||||||| /-------\ \ /
>>> "wwww" = = |||||||||||| w""""""""""w |||||||||=========| <\/\/\/>
>>> w" "w = = ||||||||||||W W|||||||||=========| / \
>>> Elmo Big Bird Oscar Cookie Monster Bert Ernie Kermit
>>>
>>> Sunny day, sweepin' the clouds away;
>>> Find my way to where the air is clean.
>>> Can you tell me how to get
>>> how to get to Sesame Street?
>>>
>>> Come and play, everything's A-OK!
>>> Friendly neighbors there, that's where we'll be.
>>> Can you tell me how to get
>>> how to get to Sesame Street?
>>>
>>>
>>> This Message Has Been Brought To You By The Letter K
>>> And The Number 16.