Date: 06 Oct 96 19:09:21 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings! Welcome back! It's taken a while for me to get everything straightened out this year, but here we go, another year of The Farther Side! For those of you who are new, TFS comes out 4-7 times a week. I send it to give you a little break when you most need it (hopefully). If you don't want to get this, please just let me know, I'll fix it before the next message comes out. If you want me to add someone, also just pass their name on to me. Finally, if you have any stories that you think other people might enjoy, I'm always taking contributions too! Birthday announcements and stuff like that are good too, of course! If your name was added to the list and you don't know where it came from, the easiest explanation would be that "a little birdie told me" and let's leave it at that. TFS always looks the same when you get it - same subject header, so you can always put off reading it till you get the chance! Anyway, getting down to business, here's the first article of the new term - just a few artistic quotes to get you thinking... or not. Thanks to Chris for it! Have a great fall everyone! Enjoy, Tony p.s. A big HELLO to all my old friends from RCI, whom I have just rediscovered thanks to Caroline! ###################################### Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Pearls of wisdom: never have the right clasp. (kristen lambert, Rome - Italy) Date: 07 Oct 96 19:22:59 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings! Here's a little story thanks to Fiona, way, way, way up in Alaska! Enjoy, Tony ############################## After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches new economic understanding can be reached to the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes. Every professor knows that: Knowledge is Power Every economist believes that :Time is Money, and Every engineer claims that: Power is Work over Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions:> Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4) Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5). Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: -- Knowledge equals Work over Money. What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make. Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done. What THIS MEANS is: 3. The More you Make, the Less you Know. Working out the socio-economic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader. Date: 09 Oct 96 00:50:42 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings!! Today (October 9th) is Tiffany.McQueen@dartmouth.edu's 18th Birthday, so let's all wish her a Happy Birthday!! I'm sure she'd love to hear from you... And here's some Dave Barry, courtesy of Sariya... Enjoy, Tony No matter how much you love your spouse, eventually the smooth unblemished surface of your relationship will be marred by a small pimple of anger, which, if ignored, can grow into a major festering zit of rage that will explode and spew forth a really disgusting metaphor that i don't wish to pursue any further here. Date: 10 Oct 96 09:44:28 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings.... Today is the birthday of an old high school friend of mine, and I know that she'd love to get a Happy Birthday message from you... Happy Birthday Natalie!! firstname.lastname@example.org And now for something a little different... Enjoy, Tony ャャャャャャャャャ If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is definently not for you! ャャャャャャャャャ Drink cement and get really stoned! ャャャャャャャャャ There once was a girl from Norway Who hung by her toes from the doorway. As her boyfriend came in she said with a grin, "I THINK WE'VE FOUND ONE MORE WAY!" ャャャャャャャャャ There are two kinds of people who understand women. One is a woman. The other one is lying. ャャャャャャャャャ Remember all those hills in "The Sound of Music"? Who the hell mowed the lawn up there? ャャャャャャャャャ Flying is easy, you just have to fall and miss the ground. ャャャャャャャャャ I wish I were a volcano: I could be lying on my back, smoking, and everyone would scream "Look! He's working!" ャャャャャャャャャ EXPERIENCE. It's what you get when you were expecting something else. ャャャャャャャャャ The older I get, the better I was. ャャャャャャャャャ Life is a shit sandwich. Every day is just another bite. ャャャャャャャャャ My inner child is a brat. ャャャャャャャャャ youth is an explosion. harness it and unleash it when they least expect it. ャャャャャャャャャ There is no better time to kiss a girl than when she is laughing at you. ャャャャャャャャャ Love is Chemistry, but sex is Physics. ャャャャャャャャャ If dog is man's best friend, why don't they ever make me dinner? ャャャャャャャャャ If the earth were flat, and you jumped off the side, would you fall or would gravity suck you up on the bottom of the earth? ャャャャャャャャャ You're not half the man your mother is. ャャャャャャャャャ Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ャャャャャャャャャ We are born with our mouths open and our eyes closed. We spend the rest of life trying to reverse the mistake of Nature. ャャャャャャャャャ When all is said and done, more is said than done. ャャャャャャャャャ In real life things don't go to infinity, they just blow up or do something weird. ャャャャャャャャャ If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. ャャャャャャャャャ If you eat a live frog first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day. ャャャャャャャャャ If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. ャャャャャャャャャ Date: 14 Oct 96 10:09:20 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: Warning -Scam To: Anthony T. Field --- Forwarded Bulletin from Rebel L. Roberts, Topic: Safety Awareness Tips --- >Date: 14 Oct 1996 09:05:00 -0400 >From: Rebel L. Roberts >Subject: Warning -Scam >Bulletin Topic: Safety Awareness Tips >Expires: 19 Jan 1997 09:04:40 -0400 Please be warned Pass this along to everyone you know. A new scam has been identified by the National Fraud Information Center that is costing victims BIG BUCKS! The scam works basically like this: You get home and notice that the message light is blinking on your answering machine. You listen to the message, which has several wrinkles, but the best one is the caller asks you to call a number beginning with the area code 809 to receive information about a family member who has been ill. They may also tell you someone has been arrested, died, you have won a wonderful prize, etc. In any event, concerned or curious, you make the call. Sometimes the phone will be answered by a person who claims to speak broken English. The idea is to keep you on the line to build up charges. Or, sometimes you will just get a long recorded message. The bottom line is, when your phone bill comes, you see this incredible charge, oftentimes more than $100.00! Crooks are using the 809 numbers as "pay-per-call" to get around the US regulations and 900 number blocking. Every time you call the number, they get a greatly inflated rebate from the foreign phone company. Since the 809 numbers are in the Caribbean, they aren't bound by US 900 # regulations that require them to warn you of the charge and rate involved, and also to provide a time period during which you may terminate the call without being charged. The newest twist to this scam is to page people using the 809 numbers. With the new area code changes, people unknowingly are returning these calls. When the bill comes, there are HUGE charges for the calls. My suggestion is that no matter how you get the message, if you are asked to call a number with an 809 area code that you don't recognize, DON'T RETURN THE CALL! It's bad enough that the criminal is invading your privacy, don't let them invade you wallet as well! Scams of this type are extremely hard to prosecute and since you did actually make the call , neither your local phone company or your long distance carrier will want to get involved. They will tell you that they are simply providing the billing for the foreign company. You end up trying to deal (over the phone) with a foreign company that feels they have done no wrong. It can turn into a real nightmare! Please forward this message to friends and let people be aware of it! Sgt. Rebel Lynn Roberts Department of Safety and Security Dartmouth College Date: 15 Oct 96 00:54:35 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... Happy Thanksgiving Canada!!! (No TFS last weekend because I was buried in Thanksgiving dinner preparations...) I have a belated birthday wish from Christen to Jesse.Travis@Dartmouth.edu... Happy Birthday! (Oct 12th) Another random public notice - for Dartmouth folks - The Lone Pine Tavern has a new bartender on Thursdays and Fridays - Dave Kasregis... go say hi! Finally, the useless trivia thanks to Jeff! Enjoy, Tony Utterly USLESS Trivia to impress all your friends... ---------------------------------------------------- -Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball. -If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. -The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. -The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F. -A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. -If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away. -The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses...its plural. -Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams. -Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula." -Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older -An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. -Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. -The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella. -Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono. -Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. -The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic. -Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. -Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, "His name is Mudd." -The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. -The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. -Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker. -A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. -"111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321" -The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. -If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow. -Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. -The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life" -It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. -Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute. -White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees) -Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes. -Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight. -Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk. -If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. -Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck. -In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. -Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape. -The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood. -Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. -Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself. -The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying. -Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. -The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows." -A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are actually talking. -The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. -101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents are present and don't die throughout the entire movie. -'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. -The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth. -A whale's penis is called a dork. -Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. -Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. -To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly. -Reindeer like to eat bananas. -A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament. -Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!" -Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. -The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep. -"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing. Date: 18 Oct 96 01:03:00 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings!! Here are a few more useless facts thanks to Jeremy. Not quite as hilarious as the last ones, but hey - you can never have too many useless facts... Enjoy! Tony A collection of factoids, historical, scientific, or neither, that have absolutely nothing to do with reality. But they're really interesting. 1.The state of Kansas once passed legislation rounding off the value of Pi from 3.14159265... to an even 3. 2. Until 1890, Vatican choirboys were castrated to keep their voices from deepening. 3. For every shark that takes a bite out of a human being, humans kill about a million sharks. 4. The world's smallest fish is the dwarf Pygmy Goby, a freshwater species of the Philippines. It takes more than 35,000 of them to make an ounce. 5. A lightning bolt heats the air around it to three times the temperature of the sun's surface. 6. After mating, the female scorpion stings her partner to death and eats him. 7. Your brain uses 10 times more oxygen than the rest of your body. 8. The average American adult has 23 decayed or filled surfaces. 9. Fingernails grow four times faster than toenails--about two hundredths of an inch per week. 10. The fastest physical action yet recorded of any animal is the wing-beat of the common midge. This tiny insect normally can beat its wings at a rate of 133,000 times per minute. 11. Gymnastics is the only sport more popular with women than with men. 12. It takes five seconds for mice to copulate. 13. When angry, men are four times more likely than women to commit an act of violence. 14. If you fall into quicksand, don't panic. Because quicksand is denser than the human body, you'll float. 15. The human body contains enough fat to make seven bars of soap and enough iron to make a single one inch nail. 16. A giant squid's eye is the largest of any animal's, exceeding 15 inches in diameter. 17. The life span of a taste bud is ten days. 18. During his life time, the average male eats 50 tons of food. 19. Bothered by mosquitoes? The problem may be your clothes. Mosquitoes are twice as attracted to the color blue as to any other color. 20. Divide your weight by six to get the approximate number of quarts of blood in your body. 21. In 1879 a drug was introduced to treat morphine addiction. The drug: cocaine. 22. The ancient Etruscans invented false teeth 500 years before the birth of Christ. 23. A rat can go without water longer than a camel can. 24. The female octopus has her vagina in her nose. If the male octopus approaches the the female when she is not ready for mating, she will bite off his penis (one of eight) and swim away with it. 25. Each of the more than 200 lashes on each of your eyes is shed every three to five months. 26. The amniotic fluid that surrounds a baby in the womb is completely replaced every three hours. 27. Males are more sensitive to bright light and can detect more subtle differences in light. Women have a more acute sense of smell and are more sensitive to loud noises. 28. Sexual deviations, such as foot fetishes, are an almost exclusively male phenomenon. 29. The first human artificial insemination took place in 1785, resulting in the birth of a healthy baby boy. 30. Women are bigger flirts than men, being more likely to use eye contact, smiles, fleeting glances, and suggestive grooming (lip licking, hair smoothing) to attract attention. Men hug and kiss. 31. An electric eel's charge is so potent it can knock a horse unconscious from twenty feet away. 32. The cracking sound from a whip is a mini-sonic boom, breaking the sound barrier by attaing speeds of up to 700 mph. 33. From age 20 to 70, the typical person spends about 600 hours having sex. 34. Most heart attacks occur between 6:00 a.m. and noon when blood pressure naturally rises. 35. Albert Einstein didn't talk until he was four years old. 36. Cat-gut doesn't come from cats. It's made from the intestines of sheep and hogs. 37. It takes 364 kilograms of coal to equal the fuel energy in the manure produced by a cow over the period of one year. 38. A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. So are pumpkins and squash. 39. 70% of house dust consists of human skin. 40. Gabriel Fallopius, professor of anatomy at Italy's Padua University, designed the world's first condom in 1551. 41. Rain is good for wicker lawn furniture. Wicker lasts longer if it gets wet now and then. 42. Married woman are more likely to fool around than married men. 43. Twenty-six astronauts have reported seeing UFOs while in orbit around the Earth. 44. The average person sheds about one and a half pounds of skin per year. 45. The first successful cornea transplant took place in 1835. A British Army surgeon in India removed the cornea from a freshly killed antelope and grafted it onto the eye of his pet antelope. 46. Locusts contain 31% more protein per pound than a T-bone steak. 47. Chimpanzees hold the speed record for animal kingdom quickies: sexual intercourse in three seconds. 48. On a clear, moonless, nightand when there are no obstructions, the human eye can see the light of a single match up to fifty miles away. 49. A blowfish's toxin is 100 times more potent than cocaine; a lethal dose, about 1 mg, could fit on a pinhead. 50. Apollo 8 astronauts used a new adhesive to fasten down their tools in Zero G--silly putty. 51. When Albert Einstein was on his deathbed, he uttered something in German. The nurse who was attending him did not speak German, so noone will ever know the great scientist's last words. 52. A mosquito has 47 teeth. 53. During the winter in Siberia it can get so cold that the moisture in a person's breath freezes instead of forming vapor and then audibly falls to the Earth as crystals. 55. Canned food was introduced in 1820 but the can opener did not appear until 1860. 56. Bacteria infested water droplets from a sneeze can float in the air for 40 minutes. 57. When your foot falls asleep, it's condition is called taresthesia. 58. Napoleon's penis was purchased by an American urologist in 1977 for $3,800. Date: 18 Oct 96 23:54:00 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... It's Homecoming weekend here at Dartmouth! This place is packed!! There are all kinds of people here! But no boy scouts... Hope you like this one. Thanks Jennifer... Enjoy, Tony Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills, picking hickory nuts along the way. They soon filled their small pails, and started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. One of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest, and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets, dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." As they were doing this, a passer-by happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery but could not see the boys, as they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment, and then ran back to town. "Father, father," he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery! Come quick!" "What's the matter?" his father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road, and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road, and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. "Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently, and heard the Scouts: "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you." The boy then blurted out, "The Devil and the Lord are dividing out the souls!" The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividingout the nuts, and one Scout said to the other: "Now as soon as we get those two nuts by the road, we'll have them all." Date: 22 Oct 96 01:26:58 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... Did you ever wonder why? Here are the answers. Enjoy, Tony Thanks to Rob for this one. How Mil Specs Live Forever The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses. Date: 23 Oct 96 02:08:06 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... There's a new member of the list today, so let's all welcome the little island girl from St. Lucia! Welcome Suzanne! Well, to all of you studying madly working on projects, assignments and midterms, here's a cute little anecdote that you may run into when you go take that study break at the campus pub... Thanks to Meredith for this one! Attached is a warning for a virus going around. Maybe a hoax, maybe not. Either way, it doesn't hurt to send it out... Thanks Christi... Enjoy, Tony A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end. Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daquiri, Doc." >There is a new virus warning!! >BEWARE!!! > >DO NOT DOWNLOAD ANY FILE NAMED PKZIP300 REGARDLESS OF EXTENSION. >A NEW Trojan Horse Virus has emerged on the Internet with the name >PKZIP300.ZIP, so named as to give the impression that this file is >a new version of the PKZIP software used to "zip" compressed files. >DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS FILE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!! If you install >or expand the file, the virus WILL wipe your hard disk clean and >affect modems 14.4 and higher. This is an extremely destructive >virus and there is NOT yet a way of cleaning this one up. > >*PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE YOU KNOW. Date: 24 Oct 96 23:05:57 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... A quick reference guide to relationships... Thanks Mandy! Enjoy, Tony > How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage? > > LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room. > LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room. > MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you > don't care. > > LOVE - when intercourse is called making love. > LUST - all other times. > MARRIAGE - what's intercourse? > > LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have. > LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot. > MARRIAGE - when you argue over money. > > LOVE - when you share everything you own. > LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. > MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything. > > LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. > LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax. > MARRIAGE - what's a climax? > > LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". > LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex. > MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's > game starts. > > LOVE - when you write poems about your partner. > LUST - when all you write is your phone number. > MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques. > > LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings. > LUST - when you couldn't give a shit. > MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV. > > LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...". > LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?". > MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent. > > LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. > LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom. > MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake. > > LOVE - when your heart flutters everytime you see them. > LUST - when your groin twitches everytime you see them. > MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties everytime you see them. > > LOVE - when nobody else matters. > LUST - when nobody else knows. > MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. > > LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. > LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit. > MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music. > > LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about. > LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about. > MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought. > > LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does. > LUST - when you're only interested in one thing. > MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and > the one thing you're interested in is your golf score. Date: 26 Oct 96 11:35:35 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings!! Here is some insight into how the end of the world might one day be reported thanks to Greekboy. Also included is a happy birthday message for a friend. Everybody say Happy Birthday to Chadd.Kline@Dartmouth.edu... Enjoy! Tony ********************************************* ************************************************ **** When the end of the world arrives, **** **** how will the media report it? **** ************************************************ ******************************************** USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS National Inquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Victoria Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSEN RATINGS SOAR! Ladies Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. Inc. magazine: Ten Ways You Can Profit from the Apocalypse Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture, download software patch RAPT777.EXE. --- Forwarded Message from Kevin C. Findlan --- Hi all -- Today, October 26, is my friend Chadd Kline's birthday. Most of you don't know Chadd (some of you do), but rest assured that he is a really cool guy. One of the things that I notice about Chadd is that he keeps his inbox *very* neat (7 messages maximum.) For his birthday, I would like to ask you all just to send him a nice message tomorrow (you don't even have to know him; actually, it would add to the effect if you didn't) and have the message say "Happy Birthday Chadd" in the subject header. Whatever you write within the message is up to you. samples: 1) Just stick a chain letter or a humorous forward in there. 2) Say, "Kevin put me up to this. Have a good one." 3) Pretend you are one of his kindergarten classmates. "At last! we can reunite!!!" 4) An inspirational quote would do. 5) If you're really lazy, you can leave it blank. 6) Be creative. Please help me pull this off!!! It'd really be great, and I would appreciate it forever if you just took ten seconds out of your day to do this. his email: email@example.com OR firstname.lastname@example.org He won't get the messages until he gets back from his hiking trip tomorrow night... so go for it! Please send this to your friends at other schools, and to other Dartmouth students that haven't already gotten it (that's why I didn't blind-carbon-copy this, in case you were wondering). Feel free to also send this to the marching band list, if you have that power, and if you think it is appropriate (I am trying to get Chadd to join the marching band. Perhaps the marching band members could also stick a band plug in the message... hmm...) Thanks for putting up with this long message! I hope you'll help me out! eternally grateful, Kevin Date: 27 Oct 96 01:52:41 EDT From: Anthony T. Field Subject: Change Clocks To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... Spring Forward, FALL BACKWARD.... ...one hour tonight at 2am. (One more hour of sleep!) Just thought you might like the reminder... Tony Date: 30 Oct 96 07:57:51 EST From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... I hope that midterms are going well for all of you... Here's something that was sent to me by a couple of people. A warning though, it's pretty vulgar, so if you're sensitive to that kind of thing, consider yourself warned... Quite funny though... :-) Enjoy Tony Actually from the LA Times. "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract." ----------------------------------------------------------- O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story. 10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!! 9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun. 8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle. 7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love." 6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums. 5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ." 4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth. 3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts." 2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this? 1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family. Date: 31 Oct 96 08:41:54 EST From: Anthony T. Field Subject: The Farther Side To: Anthony T. Field Greetings... In light of Hallowe'en, here's a little something to ponder... Thanks to Meredith for the top 10 list... Also attached is a 5 question survey for a friend out in no man's land who wants to know a little bit more about your habits on the web. Enjoy! Tony Check out the official monster web site: http://www.nwdc.com/~demona/ The following are definitions of your every day monsters in the Oxford dictionary. Taken from Peter Paolucci's web page at York University in Toronto!! (woohoo!) Please note: from time to time you will see 4 digits in brackets (1095) and this refers to the year in which that word was first used with that particular meaning. The source is the big 20 volume Oxford English Dictionary (see below). ANKOU: from the Celtic folk lore of Brittany (France?) it means "king of the dead" and it is a death omen that comes to collect the souls of the dead; the ankou is the last person to die in a parish in a given year -- sometimes portrayed as a skeleton with a rotating head (ie it can see in every direction); it drives a spectral cart, is accompanied by two ghosts on foot and stops at the house of one who is about to die (for that (next) year). APPARITION: to appear when summoned; "the supernatural; appearance of invisible beings -- ie the apparition of a ghost" (1525); a manifestation or something invisible being made visible to the eye" (1533); an immaterial appearance (1601 -- Shakespeare); encyclopedia of Ghosts also suggests that an apparition is more often that of a living person; they appear and disappear and reappear suddenly, they CAN cast shadows, and can walk through and can be reflected in mirrors walls BANSHEE: from the Gaelic "bean si" (= "fairy women") -- a death omen -- loud wailing from a female demon just before someone dies -- limited to "ancient families of pure descent" .... very Celtic; they are particularly attached to irish families whose surnames begins with "Mac" or "O"; Banshees do not (according to misguided popular belief) "scream" -- they just cry; in Ireland and the Scottish Highlands, the Banshee is also known as Bean-Nighe or Little-Washer-By-the-Ford (the latter case signals a person's imminent and violent death by washing that person's bloody clothes in a stream); this Bean-Nighe is unlike the Bean Si in a number of ways; the Bean Nighe is ugly and deformed (whereas the other is beautiful) and the Bean Nighe has 1 nostril, a large protruding front tooth, red webbed feet and long pendulous breasts; this Bean Nighe (aka Little Washer by the Ford) is said to be the ghost of a woman who has died prematurely in child birth and has to spend the rest of (what would have been her allotted time on earth) washing clothes by the river until it is the "natural" time for her to die BEELZEBUB (also Baal-zebub): means "lord of the flies" CHUREL: From India .. the evil ghost of a woman who dies in childbirth or ceremonial impurity; usually of a lower caste person whose corpse was buried face down to prevent their escape; they have reversed feet & no mouths and haunt squalid places; they can appear as beautiful (albeit slightly deformed( women who can capture and hold men prisoner until they (the men) are old CORPSE CANDLES: death omens in Wales & elsewhere in the British Isles -- they are mysterious lights which bob over the ground and stop at houses where a death is imminent; they are also said to warn of those who see them or alternatively they appear halfway between the doomed's home and their grave-to-be or presage the death of an infant CUCUBUTH: vampire & a werewolf together (consumes flesh and blood) DEMON: an inferior divinity; a genius; and attendant spirit; the devil; the name means "replete with wisdom" and is derived from the Greek "daimon" which means "divine power" or "fate" or "god" ELVES: Teutonic in origin; small, dwarfish, thought to act as incubi/succubi, steal children and substitute fake ones in their place, generally malicious beings until the 19th century; generally more malignant than a fairy FAIRY: plural: "fays"; small, diminutive beings having great influence (good and bad) over the affairs of men (1393); delicate & finely woven; the word fairy comes from the Latin "fata" meaning "fate"; there are varying theories on their origins -- 1) Souls of the pagan dead not baptized and therefore caught between heaven and earth 2) the guardians of the dead 3) ghosts of venerated ancestors 4) fallen angels who were condemned with Lucifer but who were also condemned to remain with the elements of earth and not to be in Hell 5) nature spirits. In Irish mythology the Fairies are the "TUATHA DE" (sic) or people of the goddess -- they are thought to be strong in the craft of magic and (still in Irish myth) they are part mortal, part spirit and part god and they can intermarry with humans." They are thought (also in Irish legends) to steal human women away for wives, to steal unprotected children and leave their in their place ("changelings"). To stay in their good graces households left out food and drink for them (they are said to be nocturnal). In Celtic lore, Fairies dance circular dances under the moonlight, especially around ancient burial cites FETCH: In Irish and Welsh folklore, the term for one's double, [to see yourself then, literally and symbolically] an apparition of a living person (sometimes called a "co- walker" in England). In general, seeing one is a sign of ill-boding although in Irish lore, to see a fetch in the morning means you will have long life but at night means death GENIUS (GENII): protective spirits who guide human beings; in Etruscan & Roman art they were portrayed as naked winged (male) youths but since the 17th century they can be either male or female; Genius was also a Roman deity, a personification of the creative powers invested in man (the female equivalent is Juno); every man has his own "genius." My source for this information comes from Manfred Lurker's Gods and Goddesses, Devils and Demons New York: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1984, rpt. 1987, p. 130. However, Marco Di Marcantonio has also pointed out the following: (1)The Etruscans had spirits called "Lasa" ......they were winged youthful Females (never male).....they carried a perfumed vase in their left hand ... they were very common in Etruscan art works. There is another spirit of the Etruscan culture "Vanth"...... they are clothed, rainbow-winged, mature females, with scrolls in the left hand; the were escorts of the dead. The LASA & VANTH were believed to be souls in transition; they were called "The Ancient One". (2)The Romans adopted the Etruscan spirit, renaming it "Laris." They were "House Spirits " that protected the Roman household. They are clothed (wingless) females with wreaths of rosemary adorning the heads. It was common to have shrines for them in Ancient households and daily offerings were made to them (eg. Rosemary was offered because of what it symbolized).They were welcome presents in the Roman dewelling. Marco also recommends Charles G Leland's Etruscan Magic & Occult Remedies and Etruscan Art (1989). GHOST: a disembodied spirit ... has root words possibly connected to "terrify" and "anger." The etymology is "to wound, tear, pull to pieces" (OED) also "anger" (Dict of Ety.). "The soul or spirit as the principle of life" (900 AD); "the immaterial part of man associated with feeling, thought and moral action" (1000 AD); "an corporeal being" (1297); a good being (900); and evil being (1000); the soul of a deceased person inhabiting the unseen world" (800); and "the soul of a deceased person appearing in visible form or otherwise making its presence known to humans" (1385 -- Chaucer) GHOST DOGS/CATS: in Wales and Scotland and there are special GUARDIAN SPIRITS called BLACK DOGS; there is also the BARGHEST (aka BARGUEST) from Cornwall and Northern England -- it is a death omen and in Lancashire it is called a "SHRIKER" after the shrieks it makes when it is invisible GHOSTESS: a female Ghost (1842) GHOUL: a demon (usually female) feeding on flesh, dead or alive ... often associated with a house where tragedy has taken place but they also tend to live alone in desolate spots and/or graveyards. Strictly speaking, Lamia are ghouls (ie they hang out in cemeteries, disinter bodies and eat the flesh). Also, Arabic: an evil spirit who robs graves and preys on human corpses. The etymology is "to seize"; first occurrence is Beckford's Vathek (1786); comes from Arabic terms ghul (masculine) and ghula (feminine); in Islamic lore it is the female ghul who is to be most feared since she can (unlike the male) appear as a fully normal person GIAOUR: a non-Moslem (Christian usually) GLAMOUR: any bewitched illusion satanically inspired; a magic enchantment or spell; "a magical or fictitious beauty" (1840) GOBLIN: mischievous, ugly spirit (1327) often (not always) conjured up by rogues ; the prefix "hob" (ie hob-goblin") usually differentiates the merely mischievous ones from the malicious ones; either way they are believed to live in grottos but are said to be attracted to homes that have beautiful children; when they move in to a home they can help with the children (giving them presents when they are good and punishing them when they are bad) and the goblins can also help with household chores (!!) if they have the whim to do so GOLEM: an artificial human (a la Frankenstein) but created by (in this case) magical means. The term is used to describe Adam's body in its first hours of existence before it gets consciousness and a soul. To raise one, walk around it using the appropriate combination of letters & mystical names of God; to kill it walk the other way and say the words backwards!!!! See also German film Der Golem (1920) GRATEFUL DEAD: no, not the band; this is a MOTIF in which ghosts of the deceased return to bestow rewards on living people GRAY LADIES: the ghosts of women who have died violently for the sake of love OR pined away for the loss of love (say, Aeneas' Dido); they are said (often) to be dressed in gray but can also appear in white, black or brown GREMLIN: a small, pesky spirit that appeared in British aircraft during WWI; they are generally friendly, have a great knowledge of aviation and navigation but can play mischievous pranks; many WWI pilots allege they saw them on their planes when they were flying missions but no one officially reported these sightings until 1922 (perhaps out of the belief that it is bad luck to acknowledge the spirits ... but WHO KNOWS???); by WWII pilots who allegedly saw them claimed (variously) that they were 6 inches high with black leather suction boots, others said they looked like a cross between a jack rabbit and a bull terrier others said they were humanoid and 1 foot tall; others that they had webbed feet with fins on the heels INCUBI and SUCCUBI were thought to be interchangeable and were thought to ejaculate the sperm they collected as a succubus ... hence they are a sort of hermaphroditic critters; their main raison d'etre (1205) was to seek carnal intercourse with humans HAUNT: comes from the same root as "home" JINN: The appellation for a class of demonic beings in Pre-Islamic times; originally nature spirits, later a sub-class of ghouls who(originally) were only female spirits KNOCKER: In Cornwall -- a spirit that lives and works in the mines, especially in tin mines; they are friendly and helpful, they can be mischievous but they are NOT evil (the German KOBOLD is a malicious German equivalent); they are also (in Cornwall) known as GATHORNS, KNACKERS, NICKERS, NUGGIES, SPRIGGANS. They are thought to be the ghosts of Jews who worked in the mines (the Jews did not work in the Cornish mines until the 11th & 12th centuries). They cannot tolerate the sign of the cross so miners avoid marking anything with an X (remember these knockers are friendly). Knockers are industrious and often toil through the night; whistling offends them. Food and tallow must be left for them, otherwise there will be trouble. In America they are called TOMMYKNOCKERS; there are said especially to be in the Mamie R Mine on Raven Hill in Cripple Creek, Colorado where they were said to lure miners in to the mines and kill them (by jumping on beams to cause a collapse) and then laughing LEMURES: In ancient Rome, the ghost of a person who died without any surviving issue; if you died before producing offspring you could become a lemure. Exorcism was accomplished by banging drums LILITH: Called "the night hag" at Isaiah 34:14; meaning is "she of the night"; the plural is "lilin"; LEPRECHAUNS: a little old man with a wrinkled old face: they know the location of buried treasure which they will reveal in exchange for liberty BUT 1) take your eyes off him for a split second and he'll disappear 2) treasure disappears as soon as mortals find it NARI: among the Slavs, demonic beings who seem to have been in origin the souls of dead children PHANTOM (PHANTASMA): a mental delusion dream of deception; an illusion or dream; imaginary (=subjective ghost); an illusion (1300); a lie (1325); a ghost (1382); "a mental illusion in a dream" (1590 -- Spenser) POLTERGEIST: From German ... "noisy ghost" or "rocketing ghost"; hence a spirit who makes its presence known by noises PSYCHOPOMP: a supernatural being (human or animal, although in some cases it is thought to be dogs or even Dolphins) who conduct souls into the afterlife (Hermes in Greek, Toth and Anubis in Egyptian lore PUCA (aka POOKA): in Irish lore, a spirit that is both helpful and mischievous; it is a shape-shifter and is often seen in the form of a black animal or a black half animal; if treated well they will clean up the house during the night and they can also bedevil grave robbers. In England the puca is also known as PUCK (see Misdsummer Night's Dream) -- a Medieval house spirit who was particualry malicious and who was closely connected with the devil QUICK SILVER: A teenage female ghost that is very friendly and helpful. They often leave the letter Q where they haunt . (Contributed by Maria Delukey) RADIANT BOYS: also known as KINDERMORDERINN ... boys murdered by their mothers REVENANT: the dead who return from the grave RUSALKA (plural is Rusalki): in Russian folklore, the spirit of a maiden who drowns by accident or by force or becomes a ghost and haunts the spot where she died; they secretly help poor fishermen SIRENS: half women half birds with beautiful voices (Odyssey) SORCERER: a magician (1526) SPECTRE: an apparition or phantom or ghost that is TERRIFYING (1605); also -- "an unreal object of thought (a phantasm of the brain)" (1711); and by 1801 it's "an image or phantom produced by a reflection or other natural cause" (1801); a horrid spectacle or sight (1763) SPUNKIE: In Scottish lore, a goblin or trickster ghost, commonly believed to be the devil's agent he tricks travellers who have lost their way; he presents a light that the traveller thinks is a ought from a window but when the traveller gets to where the light is it is actually a precipice and over s/he goes WARLOCK: "an oath-breaker" (1023); " a wicked person, a scoundrel" (1000); "a savage or hostile creature hostile to me -- usually applied to a giant, cannibal, a mythic beast" (1000); "one in league with the devil, a sorcerer or wizard" (1550); "a conjurer" (1721) WITCH: "a man who practises magic, sorcery, wizardry; " (890 AD); "a female magician or sorceress supposed to have dealings with the devil" (1000 AD); (from wica = "to bend") WIZARD: "a philosopher or wise man" (1440); a man practised in the occult arts or a male witch (1550); ZOMBIE: usually does not rise unless it has been summoned; a corpse reanimated by witchcraft or by a sorcerer called a BOKOR; the Zombie acts as a slave to the Bokor The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex: 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else. 5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy. 4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. AND.... 1. You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!! +=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ =+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+ Please fill out this survey and return it to Charles Lloyd. Email address: email@example.com He's doing a research paper on "Life on the Net" Thanks, Tony How Long have you been using the net? How long do you spend per day? Why do you use the net? Do you make closer friends on the net than off? Do you think that the net is useless...Ie Talkers and MUDS?