Date: 01 Nov 96 14:24:49 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here's a perennial classic that was sent to me this year by Amelia... Hope you
like it! Also at the bottom is a 5 question survey for someone doing an essay...
Help out a fellow student! :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
This is an actual college essay. The author now attends New York University.
Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the
applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had or accomplishments you
have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I have tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-
Minutes Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in
love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of curduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New
Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I
sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a
group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I
breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
####################################################
Please fill out this survey and return it to Charles Lloyd. Email address:
lloydcc@acad.umm.maine.edu
He's doing a research paper on "Life on the Net"
Thanks,
Tony
How Long have you been using the net?
How long do you spend per day?
Why do you use the net?
Do you make closer friends on the net than off?
Do you think that the net is useless...Ie Talkers and MUDS?
Date: 02 Nov 96 06:23:55 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
I hope you all enjoyed the snow last night :-)
Here are a few horoscopes that got cut from even the nastiest papers... Also
included is an ad for music at Dartmouth... (thanks kevin)
Enjoy,
Tony
>Aquarius
> Jan 23 - Feb 22
> You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
> You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly
> because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
>
>Pisces
> Feb 23 - Mar 22
> You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You
> are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do
> nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are
> a prick.
>
>
>Aries
> Mar 23 - April 22
> You have a wild imagination and often think you are being
> followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your
> friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You
> lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
>
>
>Taurus
> April 23 - May 22
> You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
> determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
> stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed
> communist.
>
>
>>>Gemini
>>> May 23 - June 22
>>> You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
>>> you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too
>>> little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are
>>> notorious for thriving on incest.
>>>
>>>
>>>Cancer
>>> June 23 - July 22
>>> You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
>>> which makes you a sucker. Your are always putting things off.
>>> That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a
>>> shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
>>>
>>>
>>>Leo
>>> July 23 - Aug 22
>>> You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are and
>>> idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate
>>> criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
>>> motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
>>>
>>>
>>>Virgo
>>> Aug 23 - Sept 22
>>> You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking
>>> attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are
>>> cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos
>>> make good bus drivers and pimps.
>>>
>>>
>>>Libra
>>> Sept 23 - Oct 22
>>> You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with
>>> reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
>>> employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are
>>> whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.
>>>
>>>
>>>Scorpio
>>> Oct 23 - Nov 22
>>> You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and
>>> cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success
>>> because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-
>>> a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.
>>>
>>>
>>>Sagittarius
>>> Nov 23 - Dec 22
>>> You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
>>> tendency to rely on your luck since your have no talent. The
>>> majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of
>>> shit.
>>>
>>>
>>>Capricorn
>>> Dec 23 - Jan 22
>>> You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are
>>> basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any
>>> importance. You should kill yourself.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Take Five Series Presents
Andy Butterworth, Eric Eckberg and Co...
JAZZ!
Top of the Hop
Monday, November 4
5 pm
free to all!
Date: 04 Nov 96 01:31:56 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
You all remember Mad Cow Disease, right? Well, in case you're worried that
it may have spread to _your_ cow, here's a way to check...
Thanks to Kevin for this one, and welcome Deanna to the list!
The Farther Side now has old messages posted on my web page (yes, my crude
web page, no laughing please, I'm just getting in to this design thing, okay? :-)
Check it out!
http://www.dartmouth.edu/~field/tfs/
Enjoy,
Tony
Ways how you can tell your cow has Mad Cow Disease.
by steve.longlad@odyssey.on.ca
1) Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear
as cologne.
2) She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
3) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4) Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
5) Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped
in a cow's body.
6) Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
8) Your cow thought Bruce Seldon would beat Mike Tyson.
9) Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
10) Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a
job at Burger King.
11) She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
12) Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, its already
got a cool leather jacket.
13) Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
14) Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position
chanting "MOO" backwards.
15) Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you
started feeding it Hershey bars.
16) Your cow seems to actually enjoy being "Hogtied".
17) Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll
wear something sexy this time.
18) Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells
out "Bullseye"!
19) Your cow starts smoking the cowlick.
20) Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called
"LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
21) Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
22) Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts
out its nose.
23) You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
24) Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
25) Your cow gets a job at the Beef Marketing Board.
26) Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the
nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.
Date: 05 Nov 96 08:45:01 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Don't forget to vote!
Here's a little something for people who believe mathematicians can't be
lovers... Thanks Vincent...
Enjoy,
Tony
Math Romance
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were
continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number.
The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair.
>From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime,
so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by
the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical
projections. "bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her
local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the
amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple
rotations
of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point,
their finite limit. After that they slept like logs.
Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a
problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was
irrational, not to mention square. They diverged.
Date: 11 Nov 96 01:52:49 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
I suppose you thought I dissappeared forever! Nope, just hiding from my
computer for a bit...
Several things to point out before the comic relief... Please do read on though,
these are important! :-)
FIRST: Dartmouth people, Don't forget to register for classes!!! registration
deadline is 4pm on Thursday. Register by signing on to "elective" on
DarTerminal.
SECOND, Toby the dog is missing... see below for details.
THIRD: attached is a notice for a non-profit internet magazine worth
checking out...
FOURTH: attached is a notice about a new drug that has come out recently
that is very scary. inform yourself.
FIFTH, the Dartmouth College Marching Band was ranked in the top 16
College Bands in the USA by ESPN this week. There is a competition where
you vote for the top band in a 4 round set of elections. Please, on November
14th, vote for the DCMB as the greatest band in the states!! Vote at:
http://espnet.sportszone.com/editors/fantasy/college/0321tree.html
and for more information, check out the band web page.
http://www.dartmouth.edu/student/sorg/dcmb/
Please pass information on about the band, the elections and the best band in
the world!!
SIXTH, and lastly: November 11th - A special day for 2 reasons... First, it is
Rememberance Day in Canada Take some time to reflect at 11am today... On
a lighter note, it is also Nicole's birthday today, so Happy Birthday Nicole!!
And now for the joke! (Thanks Pad!)
Enjoy!
Tony
================================================
Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet.
Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the
system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character "Woody Woodpecker"
as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of
the product.
A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last
week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled
back and delayed the product launch indefinitely.
The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet
Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained
to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody" and "pecker"
meant in American slang.
-From EE Times, October 8, 1996
================================================
Toby the dog is missing. If you have seen him please blitz me (Ann Craig) and
let me know. he took off about 5 with another dog and has been MIA ever
since. please blizt or call with anything.
thanks
ann
Also if you caould blitz as many people as you know ans ask tem if they have
seen a chocolate lab, 80 lbs, green collar named toby to let me know
thanks
================================================
The November I Herald is up!!
I will need all your help in marketing the new i herald location.
Please
post on newsgroups, e-mail all your buds, and ask other sites to
make
links to it. I know it doesn't sound like much but just a few
hours can
make loads of difference.
Now that we have our own server, we need to
make a little revenue to stay alive. We are now accepting
advertising. If
any of you have any leads or contacts, please forward them my
way.
Check out:
http://www.iherald.com/ads/advertise.htm
Remember to please e-mail all your friends and tell them to check
out the i herald.
articles for the december edition are due on november 20 (earlier
if possible). articles
should be 250-750 words long and submitted in text form - either
e-mailed to me or
attached in an e-mail in text form. please also send gifs or
jpgs of appropriate graphics.
also, if you want us to include your picture in your profile,
please send a gif or
jpg image of you to me.
Remember, i am always interested in your suggestions to improve
the i herald.
many of you already point out spelling errors or broken links -
that is fantastic.
Thank you. If you have more suggestions, please forward them my
way.
please try your best to get your articles in early - the faster
you get your
article in, the more attention will be paid to it. also, space
preference will be
given to authors who submit their articles early and who take
time to market the
i herald. *** Also, I'd love it if you guys could search the web
for relevant
pictures and graphics that go with your page (but remember not to
violate any
copyright infringements). Feel free to e-mail them to me.
i look forward to reading your article for the november edition.
also, if any of
you know potential writers, please point them my way.
regards,
- auren
http://www.iherald.com/
================================================
NEW DRUG
This is very serious. Guys use it to make a girl all drugged and then
offer them a ride home as soon as they start feeling the drug (after 5
min, they're too drugged to know that they're drugged) Then they can rape
them without resistance, and the girl won't remember what happened when
she wakes up in the morning.
This is very scary, as it can happen anywhere to anyone. What is this
world coming to.
ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS!!!
Please be aware that a form of date rape drug is circulating!
Q: What is it?
A: The brand name of the drug is Rohpnol. It is banned in North
America. Often called roofies, rape, la roche, rib, R-2, or rope.
Although the actual pharmaceutical form is pill, it is known to be
circulating as an illegal liquid knock-off (gamma-hydroxbutyrate
or flunitrazepam)
Q: what does it do?
A: created to be a tranquilizer, it is 10x more potent than Valium
SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS:
- slipped into a drink it is odorless, colorless, and tasteless, so if
the drink tastes fine, don't be fooled
- the drug takes effect in 5-10 minutes
- creates extreme sedation, amnesia, muscle relaxation, slowing of
reflexes, slurred speech, bloodshot eyes ie. to everyone else, it
looks like drunkeness
- from first hand observation, it can also cause hallucination,
insomnia, and extreme disorientation
- my friend didn't know who I was or where she was
- it reacts violently with alcohol, augmenting the effects, and
potentially leading to respiratory depression, aspiration, and death
- basically: if you don't have someone around that knows you, no-one
can tell if you're drugged or drunk
PREVENTION:
- if you go out drinking, go with friends you know and trust
- don't accept drinks from anyone unless you see the bartender serve it
- if you feel you have potentially been drugged, tell someone!!!
AVAILABILITY:
- growing in popularity due to cheap manufacturing ($2-$5 per vial)
- already seen in Ottawa, and Montreal, although some news reports
claim that it isn't yet in Canada
PERSONAL STORY:
Just last thursday at Gert's (The McGill student Pub), someone claiming
to be a student and speedskater offered my friend a beer. Within 5
minutes, she couldn't stand. At first I thought she had drank too much,
but then I realized she was not acting normally and that she had only
had a couple of drinks. Unfortunately she is the only one who would
recognize the individual,(and his friends who thought this
was a game), but she has a complete memory loss of the night. By the
time I carried her home, she had no idea who I was, or where she was,
yet gave me no resistance. She was up for hours, tossing and turning,
disoriented, and frightened. An extremely horrifying experience for
both of us. The next morning when she woke up she couldn't remember
anything after drinking that beer: how she got home, that she had been
drugged, anything!
- this event is not the first of it's kind, and there's no way to be
sure that they didn't try this on someone else that night. Someone may
have fallen victim and doesn't even realize it. The best way to get rid
of this community plague is to watch out and use common sense to
protect yourself. THESE ARE NOT MIDDLE_AGED SCUZZY MEN....THESE
ARE
STUDENTS WHO THINK IT"S A GAME.
- for more information, please contact your sexual assault centre.
you can also email myself at bx3s@musicb.mcgill.ca
PLEASE KEEP THIS CIRCULATING AS FAR AS POSSIBLE. THE ONLY
WAY TO
Presented by the Phi Delta Epsilon
Medical Fraternity
(McGill Undergrad. chapter)
October 7 1996
Date: 13 Nov 96 01:32:01 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
A few more details in addition to the joke of the day...
First, Dartmouth folk, be aware of the viral outbreak which has been deemed
an epidemic by the CDC in Atlanta... (we've even made national news with
this!) Anyway, first is a notice of what it is, second is a plea from the CDC to
take a survey on the web if you've had it... don't forget to check the last box!
Second, VOTE FOR THE DARTMOUTH BAND! We're ranked in the top 16
bands in the nation!
Third, our football team is now ranked 19th! Check it out!
Fourth, Come see Guadalupe!
And now the joke... Thanks Kevin!
Enjoy,
Tony
GREEN EGGS & HAMLET
I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immoloition?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad, if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration -
For I'm the king of procrastination.
=================================
----------------------------------------
TO: The Dartmouth Community
FROM: Office of Public Affairs
RE: Viral outbreak
Recent news reports about a mild viral outbreak on campus have raised
concerns among the college community. Here are the facts, according to Dr.
Jack Turco, director of the College Health Service:
The college is in the midst of an outbreak of an itchy rash thought to be
caused by a virus; some people are also reporting mild upper respiratory
symptoms &emdash; cough, sniffles, fever and sometimes nausea. The first cases
appeared in the Upper Valley about three weeks ago. Since then, the Health
Service has seen an increasing number of people with these symptoms.
The rash and upper respiratory symptoms may or may not be related.
Treatment for upper respiratory symptoms is the same as treatment for a cold.
The rash can be soothed with antihistamines, with lotions or creams used for
other itchy rashes, such as poison ivy, and by avoiding hot showers.
Like other colds and viruses, the disease is spread by casual contact with
infected individuals. Avoidance may be difficult, since the incubation period
may be as long as a week. For that reason, we anticipate that we will continue
to see new cases for at least the next few weeks.
Though virus-associated rash illnesses are not uncommon, outbreaks are
often investigated by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). The College has
reported the outbreak to the New Hampshire Department of Public Health,
which is working with the CDC to identify the virus. This will probably take
several weeks. Though identifying the virus is of academic interest, it will
have no bearing on treatment.
Given the mild nature of the disease, the College Health Service, along with
the CDC and state health officials, see no need to curtail public activities.
If you take the survey, don't forget to check the last box!
--- Forwarded Message from Dicks House Health Service ---
>Date: 12 Nov 96 17:28:25 EST
>From: Dicks House Health Service
>Subject: rash illness
>To: Cynthia I. Anderson
Approximately 200 Dartmouth College undergraduates have had a rash
illness during the past several weeks. The staff of the Health Service at Dick's
House, in conjunction with the New Hampshire State Health Department
and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, is conducting a survey of
the undergraduate student body in order to determine how many people
have been ill and what characteristics they may have in common. Your
participation in this study is completely voluntary, although it would be
greatly appreciated. The survey is half a page long and should take no more
than one minute to complete. All responses will be kept confidential.
If you wish to participate, please respond as soon as possible. If you want to
do it now, hold down the Command key (Apple key) and then click once on
the line below:
http://www.dartmouth.edu/student/health/shortquest.html
This message is being distributed to a randomly selected group of
approximately 900 students. If you have friends/contacts who might be
interested in responding, please feel free to foward this message to them.
*However, all survey participants who are NOT ORIGINAL DIRECT
RECIPIENTS OF THIS MESSAGE MUST check the last box on the survey to
indicate this.*
Thank you for your assistance!
Jack Turco, MD
Director, College Health Services
Linda Han, MD
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Atlanta
===========================================
Go to the site:
http://espnet.sportszone.com/editors/fantasy/college/bands.html
and vote for the Dartmouth College Marching Band on Thursday! We're
ranked in the top 16 in th country, so help make us number 1! If you aren't
sure, check out our web page!
http://www.dartmouth.edu/~dcmb
===========================================
--- Forwarded Message from Daniel S. Kempf ---
Thought you'd like to know that our football team is ranked 19 in Division I-
AA.
Also, if you could vote for Notre Dame in today's battle of the bands, I would
be happy...=)
DanK
===========================================
Nuestras Voces Presents....
€€€GUADALUPE€€€
A play written by a Chicano Theatre Company in San Antonio, Texas. It was
written years ago, but the problems portrayed in the play are still experienced
today.
Show Times:
Thursday 11/14 8:00PM
Saturday 11/16 8:00PM
Sunday 11/17 6:00PM
Monday 11/18 8:00PM
Admission: FREE! (you have to admit, you hardly get anything for free at
Dartmouth, much less a chance to learn about another culture)
Venue: Collis Common Ground.
Directed by Maria Simental '97
Starring:
Alfonso Ballesteros '00
Micaela Diaz '00
Lydia Garcia '99
Amir Abu-Khalil '98
Marcos Leiva '00
Domingo Martinez '00
Sandra Martinez '99
Kenneth Reyes '00
Jorge Valcarcel '99
Guadalupe Veliz '98
Lights: Rolando Lopez '00
Come, watch, listen with an open mind, and learn a little. You just might be
surprised.
*****¡Que viva la huelga!
¡Que viva Cesar Chavez!*****
"Prayer of the Farm Workers' Struggle"
Show me the suffering of the most miserable;
So I will know my people's plight.
Free me to pray for others;
For you are present in every person.
Help me to take responsibility for my own life;
So that I can be free at last.
Grant me courage to serve others;
For in service there is true life.
Give me honesty and patience;
So that I can work with other workers.
Bring forth song and celebration;
So that the Spirit will be alive among us.
Let the spirit flourish and grow;
So that we will never tire of the struggle.
Let us remember who have died for justice;
For they have given us life.
Help us love even those who hate us;
So we can change the world.
Amen
by Cesar E. Chavez, UFW Founder (1927-1993)
Date: 14 Nov 96 02:59:12 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
Vote for the DCMB on the WWW today!!!
http://espnet.sportszone.com/editors/fantasy/college/bands.html
also, a little letter found by some uh... historians... that's it :-)
Enjoy!
Tony
>
>The Court of King George III, London, England
>
>July 10, 1776
>
>Mr. Thomas Jefferson
>c/o The Continental Congress
>Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
>
>Dear Mr. Jefferson:
>
>We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.
>Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
>statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration
>as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to
>the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.
>The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
>
>1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and
> Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria
> on which you base your central arguments? Please document with
> citations from the recent literature.
>
>2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose
> polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to
> us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
>
>3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please
> elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
> difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
>
>4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of
> your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that
> "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in
> six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers
> in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to
> raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next
> 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
>
>5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive
> of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish
>it,
> and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion
> against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
>
>6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a
> long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not
> follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
>
>7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You
> state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and
> that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who
> or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they
> change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
> How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these
> areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are
> your strategies?
>
>8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing
>your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research?
> Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an
organization
>chart and vitae of the principal investigators.
>
>9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this
> since Queen Anne's War.
>
>10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any
> assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range
> prospects of your undertaking.
>
>11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
> manpower utilization matrix.
>
>We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of
>Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our
>ue date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original
>signatures will be required.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>Management Analyst to the British Crown
>
John D. Coley
Department of Psychology
Northwestern University
(847) 467-2421
Hey You!!
The time has come! Judgement day is upon us! Today (NOVEMBER 14) is
voting day!! Get *everyone* you know to vote!! Here is the information for
you one more time!!
The Dartmouth College Marching band has officially been recognized by
ESPN as one of the top 16 Bands in the nation!! Now we are in a single-
elimination tournament with the other fifteen. Our first round opponent is
Texas A&M. They're bigger than us and they really march. They play dirty. Of
course, we're better! We really have to rally!!!
How it works is, on November 14, the day of our competition, there is a poll
on ESPN's web page. The band with the most votes wins! The losing band is
eliminated from the tournament. In order to vote, the page to connect to is:
http://espnet.sportszone.com/editors/fantasy/college/bands.html
If you want to see some more information about the DCMB, look at this page:
http://www.dartmouth.edu/~dcmb
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to *share* this information
with anyone and EVERYONE you know who would be interested, and beg
them to vote Dartmouth on November 14. And of course, *you* most vote
Dartmouth on November 14!!
I hope you realize that with this six degrees of separation thing, if each of you
shares this with everyone you know, and that process continues five more
times, and everyone that we contact actually votes for Dartmouth, we will
have over 5 BILLION votes!! That would surely beat whatever Texas A&M
comes up with!
So do your duty. VOTE! Spread the word!
Thanks!
Tara
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, here I come!!
Date: 15 Nov 96 00:37:18 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
Vote for the Marching Band!!!!! Vote Today, it's not too late!!!
http://espnet.sportszone.com/editors/fantasy/college/bands.html
If you want to see some more information about the DCMB, look at this page:
http://www.dartmouth.edu/~dcmb
...
You know, I have a presentation tomorrow morning... I think I've heard
these before... Thanks to Kevino for this one...
Enjoy!
Tony
When professors say this...
They really mean this!
---------------------------------------
* This needs some minor revision.
I never actually got around to reading this.
* My office hours are by appointment only.
I like to get out of here early.
* Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
I'll be fudging your grades.
* This won't be on the test.
Nap time!
* Bring the text to class.
I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with
group read-alongs.
* He's not fully up to speed on that.
He's got his head up his ass.
* I don't have the latest department guidelines. . .
I've got my head up my ass.
* Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. . .
I've got my head up HIS ass.
* Talk to the department secretary.
Fuck off.
* Talk to me in my office after class.
Get out of my face.
* The tests will all be multiple-choice.
I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad
students do all my grading.
* Don't come in late during my lecture.
I have the attention span of a fruit fly.
* Save your questions until the end.
See above.
* The final will be comprehensive.
I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn'
t
fully cover myself in 15 weeks.
* Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let
YOU teach.
* There are two TAs available to help you.
I can't be bothered.
* This year I'll be scaling the grades.
I just passed tenure review.
* Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
I have a hangover.
* Let's have class outdoors today!
I had beans for lunch.
* You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
My contract wasn't picked up.
* Please note the last day to withdraw.
The midterm's gonna suck.
* The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
I only got around to making up the test last night.
* The second list is optional reading.
I have a rich fantasy life.
* I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at
the last possible minute.
* Well, it was on the syllabus.
I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it
myself.
* We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.
* Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
See above.
* Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise
* Read chapters 5 through 10.
I'm not coming in at all next week
* We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
I fucked up the lecture schedule.
* Let's go over the exam.
Half of you failed.
* It was in the textbook.
I pulled it out of my ass.
* Extra credit is available
I need some shit work done
* I'm postponing today's exam.
There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.
* Don't write on the question sheet.
I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.
Date: 17 Nov 96 20:58:42 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well I have good news and bad news - the good news is that our football team
beat Brown 27-24 in one of the best, most exciting games ever to clinch the Ivy
League title and set their record to 9-0 for the season (we play last place
Princeton next weekend...) Of course, the band was part of it :-)
The bad news is that the band lost its competition against Texas A&M despite
amazing voter turnout - we had more votes than any of the other winning
teams, but Texas had over triple ours, so that was the end of that... I guess you
have to accept it from a school of over 43,000 students and a super nazi 450
member band... (Dartmouth has 4,000 students, and an 80-member band...)
Today's TFS comes basically entirely from my friend Jennifer, who has a
couple of cool things to say... I hope you like it!
Enjoy,
Tony
You know that you grew up in the 80's if....
you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you
were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid,
meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all
about
PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED
Author unknown
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of
bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies,
astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount
of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally
small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my
mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first
word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task
to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to
beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/stall/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about
forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the
Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
Date: 20 Nov 96 01:56:20 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
This followed an invitation to lunch from a friend of mine.... Needless to
say, I was careful around him.. :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by
> cannibals.
>
> The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've
> caught you, and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and
> cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good
> news is that you get to choose how you die."
>
> The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword,
> he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
>
> The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, old chap." The chief gives him
> a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and
> blows his brains out.
>
> The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he
> shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts
> jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest,
> everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
>
> The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what are you
> doing?"
>
> The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid f*ck!"
Date: 21 Nov 96 01:47:21 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
It's Sarah's friend's birthday today, so let's all wish a happy birthday to her!!
Woohoo!** Happy Birthday!!
And now... a little test for you... Are you normal? (thanks Kevin)
Enjoy,
Tony
ARE YOU NORMAL? -by B. Kanner
Facts about us Americans. Did you know that........
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust
their husbands to do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a
34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's
homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years
old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the
carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while
they're using the toilet
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly
men)
-59% of us say we're average-looking
-blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves
beautiful
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity
-on average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drink and drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
-44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them
-25% of us drive after we've been drinking
-4 out of 5 sing in the car
-the average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes
-men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4"
-56% of men have had sex at work
-1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair
-62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs
-60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand
-the most common fantasy is oral sex
-women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold
-58% like dirty talk during sex
-22% rent porno flicks at least once
** (of course if I hadn't erased the email with her name in it, you would
know exactly who it is now. But be patient... it'll no doubt be sent to me in
an angry message from Sarah in a sec... - my apologies ladies...)
Date: 21 Nov 96 23:58:05 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
If anyone's looking for a ride from Hanover to Montreal or Toronto for $35
round trip plus gas, let me know. I have 2 spots open.
Welcome a few new members to the list! Here's one for Fiona... I dare you
all to write a paper like this! :-)
Enjoy!
Tony
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron
out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a
committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of
the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with
joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are
pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of
klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This
would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments
would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a
deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem
began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.
Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half
a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from vords kontaining
'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten
styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud
find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav
kum tru.
Date: 24 Nov 96 23:42:48 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Well, Thanksgiving approaches, as do finals. So here's Dave Barry on
Thanksgiving, thanks to Jeff, and a little good luck picture thanks to Mia :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
What would Thanksgiving be without DAVE???
Thanksgiving is a time of traditions, and there is no tradition
more meaningful than the annual USDA warning about fatal food-dwelling
bacteria. This year, I'm pleased to report, the department has outdone
itself: For the first time, the department has officially advised
Americans NOT to stuff their turkeys. Many alert readers sent in an AP
item in which the acting director of the USDA's Meat and Poultry Hot Line
is quoted as saying: "Improperly cooked stuffing can cause serious
illness and even death."
I am frankly wondering if stuffing should be regulated, like
assault rifles, to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands.
BANK TELLER: May I help you?
ROBBER: Hand over the money!
SECOND BANK TELLER: Do as he says! He's holding improperly cooked
stuffing!
But the specter of painful death should in no way damped your
Thanksgiving dinner. Just make sure the food is prepared in accordance
with federal guidelines (Step one: Lighting the blowtorch). And before
you eat, don't forget to bow your head for the traditional prayer of
thanks. (We thank Thee for this bountiful meal and ask Thine forgiveness
for the fact that we hath ordered pizza.")
Another traditional thing you should do is teach your kids the
meaning of Thanksgiving. I suggest that you have them put on the
following historical play, THE VERY FIRST THANKSGIVING, which I wrote
after several minutes of research in the encyclopedia.
(Scene one: Some Pilgrims are standing on the deck of the Mayflower.)
FIRST PILGRIM: Well, here it is, the year 1620.
SECOND PILGRIM: Yes, and we have been on this ship, the Mayflower, for
many weeks, fleeing persecution in England because of our religious views.
FOURTH PILGRIM: Also, we wear hats that look like traffic cones.
FIRST PILGRIM: What happened to the Third Pilgrim?
SECOND PILGRIM: He's throwing up.
FOURTH PILGRIM: Hey, look! There's Plymouth Rock. Pull over, captain.
LONG JOHN SILVER: Arrr.
(Scene two: The Pilgrims are standing on the shore.)
FIRST PILGRIM: Well, this looks like a barren area with poor soils and
harsh winters, offering little chance of survival.
OTHER PILGRIMS: Perfect!
ROBBER: Hand over the money!
FIRST PILGRIM: Hey! You already did your scene in this column.
ROBBER: Whoops.
SECOND PILGRIM: Look! A Native American.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Fortunately, I speak English. My name is Squanto.
FOURTH PILGRIM: Squanto? What kind of a name is Squanto?
SECOND PILGRIM: It sounds nasty. It sounds like, "Mom! The dog made
squanto on the linoleum!"
FIRST PILGRIM: What's linoleum?
SECOND PILGRIM: I have no idea.
SQUANTO: I'm going to show you how to plant maize and beans, using
alewives, shad, or menhaden as fertilizer.
FOURTH PILGRIM: Alewives?
SQUANTO: That's what it says in the encyclopedia.
(Scene three: One year later.)
FIRST PILGRIM: Well, here it is, one year later.
SECOND PILGRIM: That was a pretty harsh winter.
FOURTH PILGRIM: That was definitely the last winter I plan to spend in a
small confined space with people eating a diet of maize and beans.
FIRST PILGRIM: Also, as you will recall, we had a lot of starvation and
disease, the result being that half of us are dead.
SECOND PILGRIM: Time for a celebration!
(Scene four: The Pilgrims and Squanto are seated at a banquet table.)
FIRST PILGRIM: So, here we are, at the (burp) first Thanksgiving.
SECOND PILGRIM: I definitely want the recipe for this alewife dip.
FOURTH PILGRIM: Hey, Squanto, what are those drums saying?
SQUANTO (after listening for a moment): Lions 14, Bears 7.
FIRST PILGRIM: You know, Squanto, without your help, we never would
have
survived this winter. So we've decided to take over all of North
America and pretty much obliterate your culture.
SQUANTO: Sure.
FIRST PILGRIM: Really? You don't mind?
SQUANTO: Not at all.
FIRST PILGRIM: Great!
SQUANTO: Try this stuffing.
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.oooooooo .ooooo. .ooooo. .oooo888
888' `88b d88' `88b d88' `88b d88' `888
888 888 888 888 888 888 888 888
`88bod8P' 888 888 888 888 888 888
`8oooooo. `Y8bod8P' `Y8bod8P' `Y8bod88P"
d" YD
"Y88888P'
oooo oooo
`888 `888
888 oooo oooo .ooooo. 888 oooo
888 `888 `888 d88' `"Y8 888 .8P'
888 888 888 888 888888.
888 888 888 888 .o8 888 `88b.
o888o `V88V"V8P' `Y8bod8P' o888o o888o
o8o . oooo
`"' .o8 `888
oooo oooo ooo oooo .o888oo 888 .oo.
`88. `88. .8' `888 888 888P"Y88b
`88..]88..8' 888 888 888 888
`888'`888' 888 888 . 888 888
`8' `8' o888o "888" o888o o888o
.o88o. o8o oooo
888 `" `"' `888
o888oo oooo ooo. .oo. .oooo. 888 .oooo.o
888 `888 `888P"Y88b `P )88b 888 d88( "8
888 888 888 888 .oP"888 888 `"Y88b.
888 888 888 888 d8( 888 888 o. )88b
o888o o888o o888o o888o `Y888""8o o888o 8""888P'
oooo$$$$$$$$$$$$oooo
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o $ oo o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o $$ $$ $$o$
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"$$$$$$o$ o$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$o $$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ """$$$
"$$$""""$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "$$$
$$$ o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "$$$o
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$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" "$$$$$$ooooo$$$$o
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$$$o "$$""$$$$$$"""" o$$$
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Date: 26 Nov 96 10:09:50 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: **BEWARE FALLING ICE**
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
As the snow starts falling, and also melting, please watch out for falling ice
from the buildings around campus. Nobody wants to get hit by a 50lb hunk of
ice falling from 50 feet up, obviously it could result in serious injury or death.
Be careful!!!
When it gets to be a major problem, FOaM will start clearing it from the
rooftops, but until then, why risk it?
Heads up!
Tony
Date: 27 Nov 96 14:00:01 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!
IT's my friend ben.sweetser@dartmouth.edu 's birthday tomorrow, so I'm
sure he'd really appreciate it if you all wrote him a happy birthday message
(the more messages he gets, the more happy he will be) so tell your friends!
Happy Birthday Ben!!!
ben.sweetser@dartmouth.edu
Anyway, here's some thanksgiving humour...
Enjoy!
Tony
THE TOP TEN REASONS
COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO
THANKSGIVING BREAK
10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E
yet semi-edible fur ball,
9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing
with an ice cream scooper,
8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello,
7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the
bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with
toilet paper,
6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger
than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days,
5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the
couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in
below freezing weather,
4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..."
you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and
"during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels
sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!"
3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in
your microwave,
2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own,
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING
FORWARD TO
THANKSGIVING... (drum roll, please...)
1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!