Date: 04 Dec 96 02:07:21 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
No TFS for a couple of days while I recovered from Thanksgiving...
Hope you like this! Thanks to Fiona for this one...
Enjoy!
Tony
>> Family tree
>>
>> Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
>> I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
>> This widow had a grown-up daughter
>> Who had hair of red.
>> My father fell in love with her,
>> And soon the two were wed.
>>
>> This made my dad my son-in-law
>> And changed my very life.
>> My daughter was my mother,
>> For she was my father's wife.
>>
>> To complicate the matters worse,
>> Although it brought me joy,
>> I soon became the father
>> Of a bouncing baby boy.
>>
>> My little baby then became
>> A brother-in-law to dad.
>> And so became my uncle,
>> Though it made me very sad.
>>
>> For if he was my uncle,
>> Then that also made him brother
>> To the widow's grown-up daughter
>> Who, of course, was my step-mother.
>>
>> Father's wife then had a son,
>> Who kept them on the run.
>> And he became my grandson,
>> For he was my daughter's son.
>>
>> My wife is now my mother's mother
>> And it makes me blue.
>> Because, although she is my wife,
>> She's my grandmother too.
>>
>> If my wife is my grandmother,
>> Then I am her grandchild.
>> And every time I think of it,
>> It simply drives me wild.
>>
>> For now I have become
>> The strangest case you ever saw.
>> As the husband of my grandmother,
>> I am my own grandpa!
>>
>> author unknown
Date: 05 Dec 96 08:25:14 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
I hope everyone is coping well with finals...
Here's a little guide to the orchestra player. From Kevin (a horn player - go
figure:-)
Enjoy!
Tony
Orchestra Personnel Standards
*************************************
Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
Concertmaster:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on calm water
Talks with God
Second Violinist:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three
Is not issued any ammo
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls, argues with himself
Violist:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Loses arguments with himself
Oboist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Floats well in a swimming pool
Talks to God if special request is approved
Bassoonist:
Makes marks on wall when trying to clear short buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle guns without inflicting self-injury
Dog-paddles
Talks to animals
Trumpeter:
Argues with building when it won't get out of the way
Sleeps with locomotives
Claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth
Saves water to drink after each triple C
Thinks s/he is God
Trombonist:
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
Horn Player:
Lifts buildings easily and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God
Guide to Musical Notation
*********************************
f - as loud as you can play
ff - louder than you can play
fff - for effect only - designated to induce vomiting
mf - no presence in sound, tone not important
p - only last half of tone should sound
pp - for effect only, no tone, only air
dim. - indicates tone should totally die halfway through
cresc. - indicates tone should gradually spread
G.P. - indicates you will play solo here
solo - indicates tone should quaver, pitch should wander
soli - reference for finding place if lost
rubato - stop playing
tempo primo - indicates time will fall apart; pick own tempo
pesante - play naturally
Date: 07 Dec 96 02:55:37 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well, I have a final in 6 hours, I though I'd send out a good luck message to
all of you in the same boat...
Enjoy!
Tony
> SYMPTOMS OF SEMESTER BURNOUT!
>
> 1. When your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the cookie
> monster song (C is for cookie, that's good enough for me...)
>
> 2. You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% on
> the final to pass than you have actually spent studing.
>
> 3. When you are swamped with homework and spend your time making
up a
> list like this.
>
> 4. When you start showering after class rather than before.
>
> 5. The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.
>
> 6. When the campus drunk tells you you should study more.
>
> 7. When your favorite paperweight says "Bud Light"
>
> 8. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you to make it through Monday.
>
> 9. When your absence exceeds your attendance.
>
> 10. When your study schedule is based on the rationale that you "might"
> actually die before the test!
>>>>>>>>Twas the night before finals,
>>>>>>>>And all through the college,
>>>>>>>>The students were praying
>>>>>>>>For last minute knowledge.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Most were quite sleepy
>>>>>>>>But none touched their beds,
>>>>>>>>While visions of essays
>>>>>>>>Danced in their heads.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Out in the taverns,
>>>>>>>>A few were still drinking,
>>>>>>>>And hoping that liquor
>>>>>>>>Would loosen their thinking.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>In my own dorm room,
>>>>>>>>I had been pacing,
>>>>>>>>And dreading exams
>>>>>>>>I soon would be facing.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>My roommate was speechless,
>>>>>>>>His nose in his books,
>>>>>>>>And my comments to him
>>>>>>>>Drew unfriendly looks.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>I drained all the coffee,
>>>>>>>>And brewed a new pot,
>>>>>>>>No longer caring
>>>>>>>>That my nerves were all shot.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>I stared at my notes
>>>>>>>>But my thoughts were all muddy
>>>>>>>>My eyes went a blur,
>>>>>>>>I just couldn't study.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>"Some pizza might help,"
>>>>>>>>I thought with a shiver,
>>>>>>>>But each place that I called
>>>>>>>>Refused to deliver.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>I'd nearly concluded
>>>>>>>>That life was too cruel,
>>>>>>>>With futures depending
>>>>>>>>On grades had in school.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>When all of a sudden,
>>>>>>>>Our door opened wide,
>>>>>>>>And Patron Saint Put It Off
>>>>>>>>Ambled inside.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>His spirit was careless,
>>>>>>>>His manner was mellow,
>>>>>>>>He loked straight at me,
>>>>>>>>And started to bellow:
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>"What kind of student
>>>>>>>>Would make such a fuss
>>>>>>>>To toss back at teachers
>>>>>>>>What they tossed at us?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
>>>>>>>>On Last Year's Exams!
>>>>>>>>On Wingit and Slingit,
>>>>>>>>And Last Minute Crams!"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>His message delivered,
>>>>>>>>He vanished from sight,
>>>>>>>>But we heard him laughing
>>>>>>>>Outside in the night.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>"Your teachers have pegged you,
>>>>>>>>So just do your best.
>>>>>>>>Happy Finals to All,
>>>>>>>>And to all a good test."
Date: 08 Dec 96 03:00:10 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Good luck on Finals everyone! Here's something to help you write those
papers...
Also Saturday is/was Lauren.Bellucci@dartmouth.edu's 18th Birthday...
Happy Birthday Lauren!
Enjoy!
Tony
How to Write a Paper:
1.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of
freshly
sharpened pencils.
2.Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3.Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4.Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from
class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to
McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend
shows you his
paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru
plastic
folders, drop him.
5.When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well
lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6.Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
it.
7.You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade. You'd
better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
8.Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9.Listen to one side of your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, as soon as
it's over you are going to start that paper.
10.Listen to the other side.
11.Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.
12.Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
Exchange
derogatory remarks abvout your teacher, the course, the university, the
world at large.
13.Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty
of
freshly sharpened pencils.
14.Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
its
special flavor.
15.Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
truly
worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12
hours, anything on TV
from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile,
with these
exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
16.Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17.Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the
finer points
of the plot.
18.Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
18.5. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
everyone is.
19.Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
20.Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated
strangers
lurking in the hall.
21.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty
of
freshly sharpened pencils.
22.Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
23.Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
24.Lie face down on the floor and moan.
25.Leap up and write the paper.
Date: 09 Dec 96 00:25:11 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
Holidays are coming up, so here's something to get you psyched... And that
one huge obstacle between now and holidays is of course finals... See below.
(thanks Emily and Jennifer!)
Good luck everyone!
Enjoy,
Tony
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to
take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal
of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North
Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's
market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion
of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase
of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Harvard
Business
School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
discernable loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
airborne and environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been
cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to anounce to you and yours that Rudolph's role will not
be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but
from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce
and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment,
made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of
year when he is known to be under extreme stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned
out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves
the French, or at least French food.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long
they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection
procedure by Human Resources will assure management that from now
on
every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on
order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes
and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. A
male/female
balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids
consider
this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process
may
permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
steps.
Ten Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
Congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an upcoming oversupply of
unemployed Congressmen.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association
seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers
a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to
see if seven dwarfs is the right number
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Date: 10 Dec 96 06:49:20 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Well, only 2 more days left, so I thought I'd get out as much finals stuff and
Christmas stuff as I have... First, a couple of finals things - Thanks Alison for
the first one... The second one's been around and is supposedly a true story
from dear ol' Dartmouth... Hmmm... And finally an old classic - a scientific
investigation into the possibility of the actual existence of Santa Claus...
Good luck and happy holidays!
Enjoy,
Tony
"Yesterday"
Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.
I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come tomorrow morn,
I'll get on
my knees and pray...
Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.
What I have to show
I don't know, the Prof. won't say.
I'll spell something wrong, or I'll bomb.. ... there goes my "A"...
Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay, oh, how I long for Yesterday.
-source unknown
"A TRUE STORY... FROM DARTMOUTH"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes,
"I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."
He returns her gaze, "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens, "Anything?"
"Anything," she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
Is There a Santa Claus?
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.
One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up
the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31
hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at
650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space
probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer
can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2
pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is
invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see
point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job
with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the
payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in
their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26
thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his
sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.
Date: 11 Dec 96 08:02:55 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!!
Well, today I, along with the other 150 residents of Wheeler hall, learned that
it's bad to vacuum up the glowing embers of your fireplace with the central
vacuuming... Actually, we learned it at 3am as the basement of the dorm
caught fire. But all's well now, except the vacuum is a disaster and the dorm
smells like each resident smoked 3 packs of cigarettes in the course of an
hour...
Anyway, Exams are over!! Yay! Here's some Christmas humour from
Allison.
Enjoy!
Tony
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the Union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And Equal Employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid.
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on "Geraldo", in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life.
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demading from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie - better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football... someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passi;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere... even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace on Earth."
Merry Christmas everyone!!