Date: 05 Feb 97 03:56:15 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings
I know I disappeared for a while, but midterms caught up with me.
Things are under control again though, so here we go again!!
For those of you who are new, TFS comes out 4-7 times a week.
I send it to give you a little comic relief when you most
need it (hopefully). If you don't want to get it, please
just let me know, I'll fix it before the next message comes
out. If you want me to add someone, just pass their name on
to me. Finally, if you have any stories that you think other
people might enjoy, I'm always taking contributions...
Birthday announcements and stuff like that are good too, of
course!
If your name was added to the list and you don't know where
it came from, the easiest explanation would be that "a little
birdie told me" and let's leave it at that. TFS always looks
the same when you get it - same subject header, so you can
always put off reading it till you get the chance!
Archives of past The Farther Sides are on the web:
http://www.dartmouth.edu/~field/tfs/
I hope you like it!
Enjoy,
Tony
Why God never got tenure
(thanks to Iason)
>1. God had only one major publication.
>2. It was in Hebrew.
>3. It had no references.
>4. It was NOT published in a referreed journal.
>5. Some even seriously doubt God wrote it personally.
>6. It may be true that God created the world, but what has God done
>since then?
> 7. God's cooperative efforts have been quite limited.Rumors that he is
difficult to
work with.
> 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating God's
>results.
> 9. God never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human
>subjects.
>10. When one experiment went awry, God tried to cover it up by drowning
>the subjects.
>11. When the subjects didn't behave as predicted, God deleted them from
>the sample.
>12. God rarely came to class and just told the students to read The
>Book.
>13. Some say that God had The Son teach the class.
>14. God expelled the first two students for learning.
>15. Although there were only ten requirements, most student's failed
>God's tests.
>16. God's office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
>top.
Date: 05 Feb 97 22:54:10 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Sometimes people do things that really make you wonder... Like this...
Enjoy,
Tony
ABSURD WARNING LABELS (from a contest held online)
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun
Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered
that it wasn't made up.
Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte,
Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's
coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer
will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen,
Leesburg)
On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined
that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart
attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the
opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and
wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple
of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
Robin, Gaithersburg)
On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan,
Potomac)
On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political
figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you
looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No
meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image
of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the
photocopy.
(John Kammer, Herndon)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
Date: 07 Feb 97 01:54:05 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Happy Winter Carnival everyone!
Well, carnival is finally here, and though our poor snow sculpture partially collapsed, the
sculpture gods did a great job of making it look incredible! I hope everyone has a great
weekend, I know I will.
Everyone help me out by sending ilana.liebert@dartmouth.edu a Happy Birthday message
- she turned 21 today! - Happy Birthday Ilana! (Yana)
Also, anyone interested in a ticket to Winter Wingding should blitz
Karen.Zahalka@dartmouth.edu. The show is sold out.
And now, thanks to Will, the funny part!
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"
15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick
himself.
14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene
Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing
immensely.
13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the
knee with a light saber.
12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use
the Fifth, Luke."
11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza
the Hut.
10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny
brass ass.
8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.
7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has
to pee.
6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"
5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his
name.
4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special
attachment.
3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red
paint.
2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...
1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
Date: 08 Feb 97 01:02:55 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
I hope Carnival is going well for everyone, the Wind Symphony just finished a great
concert at WPI a few hours ago!
Happy Birthday jen.gagne@dartmouth.edu !! (drop her a line!)
Here's a cool puzzle from Fiona, who for some reason, has been smiling a lot lately...
Enjoy,
Tony
------------------------------------------------------------
Do as the e-mail says - follow instructions carefully.
Don't cheat please, this is pretty cool!!!!
This is a numbers game. Follow the directions.
This totally works, don't cheat.
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD.
Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it
says. Keep each line you're currently reading the last line on your
window view, so you have to scroll down to read the next line.
1) pick a number from 1-9
2) subtract 5
3) multiply by 3
4) square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square
root)
5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=
6+4=10=1+0=1)
6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7) multiply by 2
8) subtract 6
9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11) take the second letter in the country name and think of an
animal that begins with that letter
12) think of the color of that animal
(keep scrolling)
**********************************************************
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE
**********************************************************
Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry.
~ You have a gray elephant from Denmark.
Date: 09 Feb 97 01:19:47 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
It's Tim.Curtin@dartmouth.edu 's 21st Birthday today... have a good one Tim! (I'm sure
he'd love to hear from you :-)
Here are a couple of stories thanks to Fiona.
Enjoy,
Tony
Subject: Bill Gates
When Bill died, it was discovered that he been neither really good nor
really bad, so he was given the option of going to heaven or hell, at
which Bill asked that he be given a preview of each.
He was first shown heaven, all serene, beautiful, and what-not.
Then he was shown hell, filled with sun, beaches, and
margaritas.
Bill decided on hell.
Once in hell, it was awful: fire, brimstone, and the lot.
Bill pulled the devil aside and asked him what was going on. The
preview of hell that he was shown was beautiful, but this was awful.
"Oh," the devil explained, "that was just a demo."
________________________________
The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers
have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent 'Puzzler' was
about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly
favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of
all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again.
The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at
the French in defiance.
The puzzler was: What was this body part?
This is the answer submitted by a listener:
Dear Click and Clack,
Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound
questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part
which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them
was, of course, the middle finger,
without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This
famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew".
Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the
defeated French,
they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant
mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often
used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to
have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything!
Date: 11 Feb 97 18:26:13 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
Here are some interesting facts from Stephanie. Pretty funny! Below that is a note from
Jeff - check it out, it affects every one of us!
Enjoy,
Tony
The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue,
Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world
where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car
driving under an airplane.
It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time
that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In
Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and
the 46th word from the last word is spear.
The tune for the "A-B-C" song is the same as "Twinkle,
Twinkle Little Star."
Des Moines has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S
There are only three animals with blue tongues, the Black
Bear, the Chow Chow dog and the blue-tongued lizard.
Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F
Dirty Harry's badge number is 2211
Camel's milk does not curdle
The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate."
Oliver Cromwell was hanged and decapitated two years after he had died
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated
All three major 1996 Presidential candidates, Clinton, Dole
and Perot, are left-handed
The book of Esther in the Bible is the only book which does
not mention the name of God.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The Andy Griffth Show was the first spin-off in TV history. It
was a spin-off of the Danny Thomas Show.
Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece
and Australia have participated in every Games.
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
The ridges on the sides of coins are called reeding.
The correct response to the Irish greeting, "Top of the morning
to you," is "and the rest of the day to yourself."
The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms
as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of
Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate
toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
In Disney's "Fantasia", the Sorcerer's name is "Yensid"
(Disney backwards.)
The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati
wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses,
or his clothing.
Mt. Vernon Washington grows more tulips than the entire country
of Holland.
Jamie Farr (who played Klinger on M*A*S*H) was the only member of
the cast who actually served as a soldier in the Korean war.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
Chrysler built B-29's that bombed Japan, Mitsubishi built Zeros
that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in
a joint plant call Diamond Star.
Only two people signed the Decleration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on Augest 2,
but the last signature wasn't added until 5 year later.
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.
The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is 'Live Free or Die'.
These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state
prison in Concord.
When Saigon fell the signal for all Americans to evacuate was
Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" being played on the radio.
In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down
but only 6 people were injured
Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was played
by six different cats
Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus.
**************************************************
I am writing you this to inform you of a very important
matter currently under review by the FCC. Local telephone
companies have filed a proposal with the FCC to impose per
minute charges for your internet service. They contend that
your usage has or will hinder the operation of the telephone
network. It is my belief that internet usage will diminish if
users were required to pay additional per minute charges. The
FCC has created an email box for your comments, responses must
be received by February 13, 1997. Send your comments to
isp@fcc.gov and tell them what you think. Every phone company
is in on this one, and they are trying to sneak it in just
under the wire for litiagation. Let everyone you know here this
one. Get the e-mail address to everyone you can think of.
isp@fcc.gov Please forward this email to all your friends on
the internet so all our voices may be heard! Just passing it
along.
Date: 13 Feb 97 08:02:14 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
This should take you back!! "89 ways to know that you're stuck in the 80s..."
Also is included more on the internet rate change thing. A correction to the last message -
they're on our side! Thanks Brad and Ronald...
Enjoy,
Tony
89 ways to know that you're stuck in the 80s...
1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the
banister
2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose"
soundtrack
3. you think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome"
4. you're still bitter that Wham! broke up
5. Punky Brewster is your hero
6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64
7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your
house like Webster's
8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
9. you're building your own Clockwork Smurf
10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem
and the Holograms
13. you wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and
lacy ankle socks
14. you call all motorcycle cops "Ponch"
15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks
16. you're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
17 you know who Stinky Sullivan is
18. you work out with "Get in Shape Girl"
19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up
20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
21. you know who Loverboy is
22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion
23. you think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis"
24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder
25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell
"Fame!"
26. you still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards
27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make
"Born in the USA" the national anthem
28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine
29. you know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma
30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The
Neverending Story"
31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak
32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare
33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
34. you can name all The Wuzzles
35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair
36. you can do the Safety Dance
37. in your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2"
38. you like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. someone metions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. your prized possesion is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky
Dinks
41. you know whose number is 867-5309
42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career
43. you're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control
44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to
45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th
century
46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train
47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers
48. you still watch things on Beta
49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
50. you know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a tv show
51. your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the
heat is on"
52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house
53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act
55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser
56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J. Bullock was in
57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts
59. you're still wondering who really was the boss
60. you know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for
61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the
physical challenge
62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag
63. you still drink New Coke
64. when you watch "Terminator 2" you wonder where Vincent is
65. you know ALF's real name
66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue
eyeshadow and feathered bangs
67. you can name all of the Thundercats
68. you got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese
69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann
71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out
72. you're planning a dream vacation to Mepos
73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home
74. you know the original members of Menudo
75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love
76. when you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost
and are surprised when it doesn't talk back
77. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion"
78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
79. people are constantly gagging you with spoons
80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian"
81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the
snakes
82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date
83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital
84. you know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from
85. you have "We Are the World" on 45
86. you're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik
87. you can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you
88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs,
that's for sure"
89. 'Goonies' is your favorite movie of all time!
--- Forwarded Message from Brad Evans <xin@Dartmouth.EDU> ---
Like most things involving the government, it's not as simple as it
would appear. The FCC has a few rules for submitting comments (from
their web site <http://www.fcc.gov/isp.html>):
You may also file informal comments electronically via e-mail to
isp@fcc.gov for the Internet Access & Information Service Provider NOI
(CC Docket No. 96-263).
Only one copy of electronically-filed comments must be submitted. You
must put the docket number of the proceeding in the subject line, and
you also must note in the subject line if an electronic submission is an
exact copy of formal comments. You also must include your full name and
Postal Service mailing address in your submission.
----
Two other things: 1) At the moment, the FCC is on our side: "The
Commission made no specific proposals, but tentatively concluded that
providers of information services (including Internet service providers)
should not be subject to the interstate access charges that local
telephone companies currently assess on long-distance carriers."
2) Also, the FCC is only accepting comments until Feb. 21.
--b
Below is a copy of the home page with a few comments....
/T
FCC 96-488
CC Docket Numbers 96-262, 94-1, 91-213, and 96-263
adopted: 12/23/96 released: 12/24/96
Access Charge Reform NPRM
and
Internet Access & Information Service Provider NOI
[ Text Version | Word Perfect Version | Acrobat Version | News Release ]
Access Charge Reform NPRM
In this proceeding, the FCC seeks to reform its system of interstate access charges to make
that system compatible with the pro-competitive deregulatory
framework established by the Telecommunications Act of 1996. The NPRM includes
several proposals for reform of the Commission's existing access
charge rate level policies. The Commission outlines two possible approaches for
addressing claims that existing access charge levels are excessive, for
establishing a transition to access charges that more closely reflect economic costs, and for
deregulating incumbent LEC exchange access services as
competition develops in the local exchange and exchange access markets.
Comment Date: January 27, 1997
Reply Comment Date: February 13, 1997
Comments on the Access Charge Reform NPRM (FCC 96-488) are now available for
downloading. 1/31/97
Internet Access & Information Service Provider NOI
The NOI seeks comment on whether the FCC should, in addition to access charge reform,
consider actions relating to the implications of information
service and Internet access provider usage of the public switched network. In particular, in
light of concerns raised over congestion on the public
switched network, the Commission seeks comment on how it can most effectively create
incentives for the deployment of services and facilities to allow
more efficient transport of data traffic to and from end users. The Commission made no
specific proposals, but tentatively concluded that providers of
information services (including Internet service providers) should not be subject to the
interstate access charges that local telephone companies currently
assess on long-distance carriers.
Comment Date: February 21, 1997
Reply Comment Date: March 24, 1997
Filing Comments
Parties that wish to file formal comments in these proceedings should follow the
procedures set
forth in the NPRM and NOI. General information on filing comments with the FCC is also
available.
You may also file informal comments electronically via e-mail to access@fcc.gov for the
Access
Reform NPRM (CC Docket No. 96-262) and isp@fcc.gov for the Internet Access &
Information
Service Provider NOI (CC Docket No. 96-263).
Only one copy of electronically-filed comments must be submitted. You must put the
docket number
of the proceeding in the subject line, and you also must note in the subject line if an
electronic
submission is an exact copy of formal comments. You also must include your full name
and Postal
Service mailing address in your submission.
Date: 16 Feb 97 15:46:29 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Happy Birthday Rusty.Young@Dartmouth.edu !!! (hint hint!)
And now, some poetry...
Enjoy,
Tony
**MY VERY FIRST TIME**
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....
Thanks to Jennifer for this one!
Date: 17 Feb 97 22:05:35 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
Erik.Saunders@Dartmouth.edu is officially 7305 days old today (or 365 days away from
being allowed to get legally drunk) Send him a little note! Happy 20th Erik!
And now, for those of you who think you are smart enough to major in Math...
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 15 Signs American Students
are Lacking Math and Science Skills
15> Typical science student thinks the Energizer Bunny disproves
that "conservation of energy" theory.
14> They think "Bill Nye the Science Guy" is a grunge band.
13> Hilarious "Top 5" list by purported high school graduate
always has 12 or more entries.
12> One, they can't count. Three, they can't add.
11> And the number 3 sign that American Students Are Lacking
Math and Science Skills...
10> Ranks of chemists thinned by constant mistaking of H2SO4
for H2O.
9> Hey, it's tough counting the number of beers in a six pack.
8> If they can't find a Number 2 pencil for a test, they
bring half of a Number 3.
7> Most students can't locate the earth on a globe.
6> Science Fair project demonstrates Space Shuttle fuel
consumption using bottle of Tequila & lemon wedges.
5> "Algorithm" may sound like liquored-up Vice President
bustin' a move, but it's not.
4> Your child consistently confuses "Pi-R-Squared" with
"Pizza Pizza."
3> Then: Intricate handmade bombs with precise triggering
mechanisms. Now: Ryder truck filled with cow manure.
2> Actually, six out of five math teachers say there's no
problem whatsoever.
and the Number 1 Sign American Students
are Lacking Math and Science Skills...
1> "5 + 3 equals... Hey! 'Melrose' is on!"
Date: 28 Feb 97 09:48:33 EST
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings...
It's Sarah's birthday tomorrow... Everybody wish her a happy birthday!
al416@dayton.wright.edu
Here's one for any seniors who are looking for a job in the corporate world... thanks to
Greg!
Enjoy,
Tony
Letterman's top ten things that sound dirty at the office, but aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMM....! I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
AND #1 is
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.