Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <atfield@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Sat, 3 May 1997 17:31:45 -0500
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Man and His Shadow
There was a man
who was so disturbed
by the sight of his own shadow
and so displeased with his own footsteps
that he determined to get rid of both.
The method he hit upon was to run away from them.
So he got up and ran.
But every time he put his foot down
there was another step,
while his shadow kept up with him
without the slightest difficulty.
He atttributed his failure
to the fact that he was not running fast enough.
So he ran faster and faster, without stopping,
until he finally dropped dead.
He failed to realize that if he merely stepped into the
shade, his shadow would vanish,
and if he sat down and stayed still, there would be no
more footsteps.
Chuang Tzu
--
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Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Sun, 4 May 1997 22:41:13 -0500
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Greetings!
Today is my brother's 14th Birthday! Happy Birthday Nick!!
<mfield@sprynet.com>
This one is just a little different than last time... Thanks Jeff.
Enjoy,
Tony
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '97. The only
thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges
and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback
that
would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a
war
zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he
spotted a
young Bosnia soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand
grenade
straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away--ka-boom! He threw
another
grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away,
ka-blooey!
A
car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into it. " I've
got to
have this guy." Norv says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of
football and
the Raiders go on to win the Superbowl. The young Bosnia is lionized as
the
Great Hero of the Superbowl XXXII, and when Norv asks him what he wants,
all
the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," the young man says
into
the receiver, " I just won the Superbowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "you deserted us you
are
not my son."
"I don't think you understand," the young man pleads. " I just won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousand of
adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there
are
gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week
your sister was raped in broad daylight...."
The old lady pauses, and in tears says, "...I'll never forgive you for
moving
us to Oakland."
##################################################################
Monday Night is Movie Night!
Monday, May 5th, join the Irish society in the Hyphen at 8 for a showing
of
Michael Collins.
This movie by Neil Jordan concerns the legend of the man who fought for
Irish
independence at the turn of the century. Come watch with us, directly
after the
meeting at 730. Snacks provided.
--
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Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Wed, 7 May 1997 08:28:01 -0500
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To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
On the Art of Lovemaking:
Sensual is running a feather down your lover's body.
Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Perverted is if the chicken is still alive...
Twisted is using boneless skinless chicken breasts.
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Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 06:36:35 -0500
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Greetings!
This came out in abridged form last year, but now,I present to you, in
its complete form, elephants - white and otherwise!
Enjoy,
Tony
JOB ANALYSIS ... BY ELEPHANT ?
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right
job has
consumed thousands of worker years of research and millions of dollars
in
funding. This is particularly true for high technology organizations
where
talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed
studies by
the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonal
optimization
have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to
determine
the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people
can be
infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.
The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
elephants. The
subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below.
The
subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best
matches
the observed behavior.
CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that
is not an elephant and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced
mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one
unique
elephant before proceeding to step one as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of
mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and
then
leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for
their
graduate students.
Theoretical mathematicians catch elephants in a cage by building a cage,
going
inside, closing the door and defining outside as inside.
Physicists would not begin the actual hunt for elephants immediately.
The
experimentalists would first consult the theorists
who would then apply for government grants to support the development of
a
theory of how to actually detect elephants. In the
ensuing 25 years multiple theories would be promulgated about how to
find pink
elephants, black elephants, charmed elephants, African elephants and
Indian
elephants. Heisenberg's grandson would postulate that it is possible to
determine the location of any given elephant or the point in time when
an
elephant might appear but not both. Gerald Hawking and Ed Witten would
postulate that the only satisfactory theory would be one that could
predict the
location of all elephants of all classes at all times. Carl Shakin, in
collaboration with Jerry Friedman, would develop a theory on bagging
elephants. This theory would describe a methodology of taking known
elements
such as camels and colliding them at a high rate of speed to determine
if
elephants resulted. There would be specific emphasis on classes of
elephants
being sought.
At this point three different groups of experimental physicists would
apply for
government funding to support building and use of instrumentation to
experiment
based on these theories. The smallest E-Collider (Elephant Collider)
would
require $180 billion and another 15 years to build. 15 more years would
be
spent exploring the Shakin TOS Bag theory (TOS=Theory of Something as
opposed
to TOE, the Theory of Everything). Unfortunately, no elephants will be
found as
they will all be extinct by this time.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Goto Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northwards in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately
east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant
in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute the algorithm on their
hand and
knees.
C programmers refuse to buy rifles off the shelf, and go to Africa with
steel
rods and a mobile machine shop, intending to build a perfect rifle for
the job
from scratch. They are then never heard from again.
Access programmers zero right in on a elephant right away, even with no
prior
experience in elephant hunting, and then, dressed impeccably and fully
looking
the part, get the elephant in their beautifully-mounted scopes, and
realize
that other than missing a trigger, they are 99.9% "there".
Rbase programmers are even rarer than elephants. In fact, the
elephants, if
they ever do sight an Rbase programmer, consider it a "lucky day."
Visual Basic programmers point at their bullets, then point at their
rifles,
and then point at the elephant. This amuses the elephants, who run
away. The
VB programmers are unable to pursue them, because their jeeps are
undrivable,
having steering wheels, joy sticks, yokes, and rudders, due to their
love of
multiple "controls".
Visual C++ developers have trouble hunting real elephants. They get
distracted
and start searching through the MS foundation Class library for grey
trunk-like
objects they can incorporate into their hunting strategy.
ADA programmers, APL programmers, Fortran programmers, the Tooth Fairy,
and
Santa Claus, are, of course, all fictional characters.
COBOL programmers have too much empathy to hunt another nearly-extinct
species.
Mac developers never actually succeed in hunting elephants. They will,
however,
put on lavish hunt launching parties, at which they distribute T-shirts
displaying a pre-hunted elephant.
Windows programmers aren't ever able to hunt elephants because elephants
are
afraid of mice.
Civil engineers apply to the governments of all countries in Africa for
contracts to design huge concrete-lined pits for elephants to fall into.
When
faced with how to ensure catching nothing but elephants, they defer to
the
architect.
Mechanical engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey
animals
at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus
15
percent of any previously observed elephant.
Electrical engineers use CAE systems to simulate the elephant's response
to RF
signals, so that they can characterize the elephant as an antenna. This
allows
them to develop instruments to detect signal reflections from elephants.
With a
big enough power supply, they can then sit in an air conditioned office
in
Nairobi and locate all the elephants in Africa at once. Then they pay a
mechanical engineer to go out and get them.
Attorneys have the court issue subpoenas on all elephants. The problem
of
finding them then becomes the process server's.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid
enough they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see 'n' times and call it an
elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all,
but they can be hired by the hour to advise those
people who do.
Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat
size
and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if
someone
else will only identify the elephants.
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to
hunt
elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice
president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that
all
possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president
sees
them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff
will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and enlarge itself to
prevent
any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that
elephants are just like big field mice, but with deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the
other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Sales people don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling the
elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and send an
invoice for
an elephant.
Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as
desktop
elephants.
Tech support people start out by getting the name and phone number of
the
elephant. They require the serial number of an elephant before they'll
tell
you which Knowledge Base article to read ... but you have to be on their
database first. This is followed by a brief session in which they try to
find
out the type of elephant, and if necessary, the configuration of the
elephant.
Another important step in the process is to ascertain whether or not the
elephant is reproducible. If so, and there have been other reports of
the
elephant, it is classified as a "KNOWN ELEPHANT". If there have been no
other
reports, it is classified as a "NEW ELEPHANT REPORT". Finally, if the
elephant
is determined not to be reproducible, it is classified as a "POSSIBLE
ELEPHANT".
Once a report has been made, the Tech Support people transfer the
elephant
hunting task to another group. These people look at the information
gathered
about the elephant, and decide whether it is an "ANOMALOUS ELEPHANT", or
if it
is an "ELEPHANT BY DESIGN". At this point, the decision is made whether
to
actually kill the elephant (in the case of the "ANOMALOUS ELEPHANT"), or
in
fact to document the elephant (in the case of the "ELEPHANT BY DESIGN").
Power Users get the biggest weapon their company can afford (say, an
ICBM) and
launch it in the general direction of Africa, hoping they'll hit an
elephant.
Of course, no trace of the hunted elephant is ever found, so they can't
prove
anything...
Solutions Providers claim to already have several large pre-hunted
elephants
soon to be available to anyone who wants them. Currently they can only
provide
inflatable blowup elephants for beta-testing hunting strategies. If
pressured,
they can send you a CD-ROM of examples of pre-hunted elephants and
previously
successful strategies, and lots of glossy brochures of hunted elephants,
and
tools available to hunt elephants with. Their Sales team have been on a
course
that describes how to hunt elephants, but have never actually hunted an
elephant.
Microsoft Developers define a new standard elephant, mostly backwards
compatible with previous elephants. They then build a
genetic engineering laboratory in darkest Africa, and after several
years of
secret development, release several of these new elephants in a fenced
enclosure so they can successfully hunt them.
Borland/IBM/WordPerfect/Lotus Developers consider the new Microsoft
Elephant as
not sufficiently portable, and lobby for an ANSI committee to define the
ANSI
standard elephant specification. Simultaneously they feverishly start
their
own elephant genetic engineering program to produce their own, more
flexible
elephant. IBM have an advantage here, because they still have a
cross-licensing
agreement with Microsoft, and straightaway start hunting in Microsoft's
fenced
enclosure as well.
Digital Research/Novell Developers immediately reverse-engineer
Microsoft's
elephant and produce their own version. They then air drop hundreds of
them
throughout Africa, but complain vigorously when the bullets their
hunters
bought from Microsoft don't hit the new elephants.
Topologists build a cage, with outside-side facing in, and with one
opening
somewhere. Then they stretch and invert the works, Earth and all,
through the
opening. Thus capturing every elephant, and everything else in the
known
universe, "inside". They really never get to the point where they
collect the
elephants because they are all arguing about the best angle to view the
cage.
Sex Therapists hunt elephants by going to Africa and catching tapirs,
which
they then counsel about how size doesn't matter, and teach them to
trumpet. The
tapirs run off happy, and the Sex therapists get a lot of job
satisfaction.
Paleobiologists hunt elephants by going to Siberia and picking over any
bits of
amber they can find, hoping find to a piece with a prehistoric mosquito
in it.
They extract blood from the mosquito and start reconstructing the DNA of
Mammoths Primigenius, or woolly mammoth, which they then insert into the
nucleus of a ...etc, etc.
Siberian Systems Analysts hunt elephants by finding a frozen lake and
cutting a
hole in the ice. They then surround the hole with peas and hide in the
bushes.
When an elephant comes to take a pea, they jump out and push him in the
hole.
VALIDATION
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the
people
surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they are
expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence
level
was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at
least 67
percent confidence in statistics.
*********************************
Italian Restuarant Night
at the
Lone Pine Tavern!
Monday, May 12th, 6-9 pm
Bring a date, or come as a group.
MENU:
Antipasta (apps)
1.Bella Portobello (portobello with polenta, red onion, marinated in
balsamimc vinaigrette
2.Bruschetta (with provolone, fresh basil, and plum tomato)
3.Minestrone soup
Pasta (entrees)
1. Shrimp Scampi with angel hair pasta
2. Pasta Primavera
3. Chicken Picatta
4. Chicken Marsala
5. Broccoli Carbonara
all entrees will be served with asparagus
Dessert
1.Cannoli
2.Cassata
3.Ricotta Pie
Sorbets will be served between courses
Reservations Preferred.
Call (6-1410), blitz (Amy Antman), or come in to the Tavern to make
your reservation.
(*Note: Please provide your ID number when making a reservation. A $10
deposit
will be charged to your ID when you make your reservation, and credited
towards
your bill the night of the event. The menu is a la carte)
--
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Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Sat, 10 May 1997 17:12:36 -0500
Reply-To: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
> An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.
>
> During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive
> and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he
> started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the
> housekeeper than met the eye.
>
> Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I
> know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with
> my housekeeper is purely professional."
>
> About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
> "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable
> to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it
> do you?"
>
> The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to
> be sure."
>
> So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did'
> take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
> a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
> since you were here for dinner."
>
> Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young
> priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep
> with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with
> your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in
> your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
*********************************
Italian Restuarant Night
at the
Lone Pine Tavern!
Monday, May 12th, 6-9 pm
Bring a date, or come as a group.
MENU:
Antipasta (apps)
1.Bella Portobello (portobello with polenta, red onion, marinated in
balsamimc vinaigrette
2.Bruschetta (with provolone, fresh basil, and plum tomato)
3.Minestrone soup
Pasta (entrees)
1. Shrimp Scampi with angel hair pasta
2. Pasta Primavera
3. Chicken Picatta
4. Chicken Marsala
5. Broccoli Carbonara
all entrees will be served with asparagus
Dessert
1.Cannoli
2.Cassata
3.Ricotta Pie
Sorbets will be served between courses
Reservations Preferred.
Call (6-1410), blitz (Amy Antman), or come in to the Tavern to make
your reservation.
(*Note: Please provide your ID number when making a reservation. A $10
deposit
will be charged to your ID when you make your reservation, and credited
towards
your bill the night of the event. The menu is a la carte)
=========================================================
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Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Mon, 12 May 1997 00:12:16 -0500
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Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
I think this one can be attributed to being really stresseed
out....(thanks to Iason for this one)
...rather appropriate for this time of year for anyone at Dartmouth...
:-)
Enjoy,
Tony
From 'The book of heroic failures':
The least successful weather report:
After severe flooding in Jeddah in January 1979, the Arab News gave the
following bulletin: 'We regret we are unable to give you the weather.
We rely on weather reports from the airport, which is closed because of
the weather. Whether we are able to give you the weather tomorrow
depends on the weather.'
The least successful equal pay advertisement:
In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal
pay enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary
scales for men and women.
--
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Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Wed, 14 May 1997 08:18:08 -0500
Reply-To: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
No TFS lately because I've been buried in physics books... :-(
Here's one, a little old, but still good!
Enjoy,
Tony
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's
stopped in traffic and thinks, "wow, this traffic seems worse than
usual, we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between
the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer,
what's the hold up."
"O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down
in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself
in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have millions
of dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a
collection for him."
The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....ten gallons."
########################################
I have two people reporting that cash totalling $340 was stolen from
their wallets over the weekend on campus. If anybody knows anything or
has seen anything/body suspicious, please let me know. Thank You. Tony
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Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Thu, 15 May 1997 01:31:31 -0500
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Greetings!
Anyone planning on flying ValuJet?
Enjoy,
Tony
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance
crews. (Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any
other
tidbits you hear in the news.)
From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
--
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=========================================================
Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Fri, 16 May 1997 09:13:13 -0500
Reply-To: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
The Top 15 Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us
15> A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector
set, if you know what I mean.
14> Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your
head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
13> You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled
Lego bricks.
12> Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The
Stockboy" display.
11> You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding
the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
10> Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids
they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
9> The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not
selling.
8> Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically
correct.
7> Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs
again.
6> Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey
the Giraffe.
5> Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after
you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
4> Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was
"homemade Gack."
3> Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-
Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming
success.
2> Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the
Giraffe in a leather bar.
and the Number 1 Reason For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us...
1> Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid --
I R on break."
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
Asgard presents...
*GREEN KEY EARLY 80's DANCE*
with Virgin Tails
DJ's Timber & Jammin' will Rock the Tropics on...
Saturday, May 17th
10pm-2am
in Collis Commonground
Blitz "jckc" with song requests.
Co-sponsored by Bones Gate, Health Services, Kappa Alpha Psi. Funding
provided
by the Programming Board.
--
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=========================================================
Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Mon, 19 May 1997 18:28:18 -0500
Reply-To: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
Well, with only 8 more days of classes to go, everybody should be
looking forward to exams, summer, graduation *yikes* ! I have mentioned
this before, but The Farther Side will continue after June 8th. The
transition to the new server is complete, so the TFS web pages can now
be found at the website listed at the end of this message. If you will
be away from email for a while, and you want to be removed from this
list, I urge you to do so automatically using the commands listed
below. The Farther Side will be around for a while, so you won't have
any trouble finding it again when you get re-connected. TFS is posted
on the list of lists too in case you lose the URL.
Of course, feel free to email me personally any time :-) (just try to
subscribe/signoff using the listserv and save me lots fo time...
thanks!)
And now a little news about the cow who jumped over the moon...
Enjoy,
Tony
Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were recovered
off the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their ship. Their
rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities
questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow,
falling out of the clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships,
shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield. They forced the cow into the plane's hold and
hastily
departed for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was
ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold. To save the
aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold
as
they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
--
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=========================================================
Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Tue, 20 May 1997 23:34:05 -0500
Reply-To: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@Sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
It's Ed's 22nd birthday, so let's all drop a line to
Edward.D.Korompai@Dartmouth.edu and wish him well!
And now something thanks to Fiona... in original form, and later
translated by, yes, you guessed it! The Sweedish Chef!!!!
Enjoy!
Tony
Car Problems
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the
side of
the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what
could be
wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car and
trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe
the fuel
is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
with a
suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open the
windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Cer Prublems Zeere-a ere-a three-a ingeeneers in a cer; un ilectreecel
ingeeneer, a chemeecel ingeeneer, und a Meecrusufft ingeeneer. Sooddenly
zee cer joost stups by zee seede-a ooff zee rued, und zee three-a
ingeeneers luuk et iech oozeer vundereeng vhet cuoold be-a vrung.
Zee ilectreecel ingeeneer sooggests streepping doon zee ilectruneecs
ooff zee cer und tryeeng tu trece-a vhere-a a foolt meeght hefe-a
ooccoorred.
Zee chemeecel ingeeneer, nut knooeeng mooch ebuoot cers sooggests thet
meybe-a zee fooel is becumeeng imoolseeffied und getteeng blucked
sumoohere-a.
Zeen, zee Meecrusufft ingeeneer, nut knooeeng mooch ebuoot unytheeng,
cumes up veet a sooggesshun. "Vhy dun't ve-a cluse-a ell zee veendoos,
get oooot, get beck in, oopee zee veendoos egeeen, und meybe-a it'll
vurk!?"
That's from one of the coolest sites i've found on the net so far -
thanks to Jason O'Grady (www.ogrady.com):
http://www.almac.co.uk/chef/chef/ask_chef.html
--
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=========================================================
Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Sun, 25 May 1997 02:49:57 -0500
Reply-To: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@sprynet.com>
Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!!!
Congratulations to Scott and Susan Davis who are expecting a baby!!
They've asked me to put out the call for name suggestions. Please
forward any suggestions to them at the following address - They'd really
appreciate it! Dalscott@hotmail.com
Here's a little political humour thanks to Neesha.
Enjoy,
Tony
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students
if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next
door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a
GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?"
asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up
by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that
would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly would be no great loss!"
--
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Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Mon, 26 May 1997 08:30:07 -0500
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Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He
waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to
the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of
hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird,
didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish
sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice
cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to
the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping
his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."
--
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Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Wed, 28 May 1997 02:50:26 -0500
Reply-To: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@sprynet.com>
Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
Today was my last day of classes at Dartmouth! After my take home exam
and 2 lab writeups, I start a two year stretch of "the real world"
before heading back into the seclusion of grad school... Best of luck
with finals to everyone!!
And now, a take an inward look at your email habits... thanks Tammie!
Enjoy,
Tony
You know your an E-mail Junkie when...
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape
Navigator 1.1 or higher."
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...
...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just
for the free Internet access.
7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial
your
ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the
modem...And you succeed.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word processor.com
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
14. Your cat has its own home page.
15. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
16. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.
17. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are,
because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
19. You move into a new house and decide to Netcape before you
landscape.
20. You tell the cab driver you live at:
"http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html."
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
--
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=========================================================
Date: 28 May 97 22:31:30 EDT
From: Anthony T. Field
Subject: The Farther Side
To: Anthony T. Field
Greetings!
What a beautiful day for a musical study break! - the Dartmouth Wind
Symphony performed a concert - my last one :'( - in front of Baker
Library today, and despite a few sunburns, it was great!! I hope
everyone had a fun and productive first-day-of-reading period.
Anyway, here's a collection of oddities thanks to Dan.
Enjoy,
Tony
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronauticsand Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen
to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed
at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
---------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar
Wilde
----------------------------------------------------------
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants.
--A. Whitney Brown
-----------------------------------------------------------
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
--William James
-----------------------------------------------------------
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,
there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government
regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
--From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th
issue of National Review
--------------------------------------------------------
Half of the people in the world are below average.
-----------------------------------------------------
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
---------------------------------------------------
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
------------------------------------------------------
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like
he hasn't eaten in a while.
--Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball
opponent in the Olympics.
------------------------------------------------------
Suppose you were an idiot..... And suppose you were a member of
Congress................But I repeat myself.
--MarkTwain
-----------------------------------------------------
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
-----------------------------------------------------
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results:
Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For
not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on
roofrack.
---------------------------------------------------
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be
when you kill them.
--William Clayton
---------------------------------------------------------
"Time's fun when you're having flies." --Kermit the Frog
---------------------------------------------------------
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on
the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes
that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to
eat a few. "Oh thats all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my
teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
--
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=========================================================
Approved-By: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@SPRYNET.COM>
Date: Fri, 30 May 1997 02:19:59 -0400
Reply-To: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@sprynet.com>
Sender: The Farther Side <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
From: "Anthony T. Field" <ATField@sprynet.com>
Subject: The Farther Side
Comments: To: The Farther Side List <tfs@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
I hope everyone is planning on seeing Hamlet in the Bentley next week!
Either way, check out this new section, recently discovered.... Thanks
Rob!
Enjoy,
Tony
This recently discovered folio edition of "Hamlet" follows other known
versions closely until Act V, Scene II, where it begins to diverge at
line 232, as will be seen:
KING ...`Now the king drinks to Hamlet.' Come, begin,
And you the judges, bear a wary eye
Trumpets sound. HAMLET and LAERTES take their stations
HAMLET: Come on, sir.
LAERTES: Come, my lord.
Enter FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, AND SCOOBY
DAPHNE: Wait!
SHAGGY: Stop the fight!
HAMLET and LAERTES put up their foils
KING: I like this not. Say wherefore you do speak?
FRED: Good lord, I pray thee, let thy anger wait.
For we, in seeking clues, have found the truth
Behind the strange events of latter days.
VELMA: The first clue came from Elsinore's high walls,
Where, so said Hamlet, Hamlet's ghost did walk.
Yet though the elder Hamlet met his death,
And perforce hath been buried in the ground,
'Tis yet true one would not expect a ghost
To carry mud upon his spectral boots.
Yet mud didst Shaggy and his faithful hound
Espy, with footprints leading to a drop.
This might, at first, indeed bespeak a ghost...
Until, when I did seek for other answers,
I found a great, wide cloth of deepest black
Discarded in the moat of Elsinore.
'Tis clear, the "ghost" used this to slow his fall
While darkness rendered him invisible.
FRED: The second clue we found, my lord, was this.
KING: It seems to me a portrait of my brother
In staine'd glass, that sunlight may shine through.
FRED: But see, my lord, when placed before a lantern--
KING: My brother's ghost!
HAMLET: My father!
VELMA: Nay, his image.
FRED: In sooth, that image caught the Prince's eye
When he went to confront his lady mother.
Nor did his sword pierce poor Polonius.
For Hamlet's blade did mark the castle wall
Behind the rent made in the tapestry.
Polonius was murdered by another.
The knife which killed him entered from behind.
LAERTES: But who?
FRED: Indeed my lords, that you shall see.
HAMLET: And if this ghost was naught but light and air,
Then what of that which I did touch and speak to?
The GHOST enters.
GHOST: Indeed, my son.
SHAGGY: Zoinks!
DAPHNE: Jenkies!
GHOST: Mark them not.
Thou hast neglected duty far too long.
Shall this, my murderer, live on unharmed?
Must I remain forever unavenged?
SCOOBY and SHAGGY run away from the GHOST. SCOOBY, looking backward,
runs into a tapestry, tearing it down. As a result, tapestries around
the walls collapse, one surrounding the GHOST.
GHOST: What?
FRED: Good Osric, pray restrain that "ghost",
That we may reach the bottom of the matter.
Now let us see who truly walked tonight.
FRED removes the helm and the disguise from the GHOST'S face.
ALL: Tis Fortinbras!
FRED: The valiant prince of Norway!
FORTINBRAS: Indeed it is, and curses on you all!
This Hamlet's father brought my own to death,
And cost me all my rightful heritage.
And so I killed this king, and hoped his son
Would prove no obstacle to Norway's crown.
Then Claudius bethought himself the killer
(As if one might be poisoned through the ear!)
The brother, not the son, took Denmark's throne,
And held to Norway with a tighter grip.
I swore an end to Denmark's royal house.
I spoke to Hamlet of his uncle's crimes.
Then killed Polonius to spark Laertes.
This day, with poison's aid, all might have died,
And Denmark might have come to me as well
As my beloved Norway and revenge.
My scheme blinded them all, as if by fog
But for these medd'ling kids and this their dog.
KING: The villain stands confessed. Now let us go.
For much remains to us to be discussed.
And suitable reward must needs be found
For these, our young detectives and their hound.
EXEUNT OMNES.
Copyright 1993, Michael S. Schiffer.
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$$$ o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "$$$o
o$$" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$o
$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" $$$$$ooooo$$$$o
o$$$oooo$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$"$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$""""""""
"""" $$$$ "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" o$$$
"$$$o """$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"$$" $$$
$$$o "$$""$$$$$$"""" o$$$
$$$$o o$$$"
"$$$$o o$$$$$$o"$$$$o o$$$$
"$$$$$oo ""$$$$o$$$$$o o$$$$""
""$$$$$oooo "$$$o$$$$$$$$$"""
""$$$$$$$oo $$$$$$$$$$
""""$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$"
"$$$$$$$"
"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook." -
William James
"This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper." - T.S.
Eliot
"The desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever with
the
acquisition of it." - Laurence Sterne
"An idealist believes the short run doesn't count. A cynic believes the
long run doesn't matter. A realist believes that what is done or left
undone in the short run determines the long run." - Sydney J. Harris
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