Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Mon, 2 Jun 1997 22:18:33 -0400
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!!
Attention Dartmouth Students! Anyone who wishes to be temporarily
removed from the TFS list must do so by following the instructions
below. Don't forget to resubscribe in the fall though! Otherwise, have
a great summer, and enjoy The Farther Side throughout the term!!!
And now, for those of us who are graduating this year - or at least
think we are, here are a couple of lists that are rather a propos...
Enjoy!!
Tony
The Top 15 Signs You're Not Graduating This Term
15> You planned on being there, but they moved the trial to Denver.
14> You're on a football scholarship at Oklahoma.
13> You get a snide letter from Admissions recommending a summer
course in "Remedial Tuition Payment."
12> You don't feel you've yet done sufficient field research on
your thesis topic: "The Munchies: What Causes Them?"
11> You spent over $400 on new books this semester, but over
$40,000 on beer and pizza.
10> Final: "Calculate the load-bearing capacity of a bituminous
concrete mix." You: Calculated the vomit-producing capacity
of mixing tequila and beer the night before the exam.
9> NBC and CBS feature live, round-the-clock coverage of your
frat dorm.
8> You won the Heisman, the Nike commercial shoot is tomorrow and
you haven't been to class since late November.
7> Six years of college and all you've learned are the lyrics to
"Louie, Louie."
6> Your cap and gown are made of paper and have "Campus Food
Service" written on them.
5> You're still an undergrad, but the faculty grants you tenure.
4> Your blood alcohol level is consistently higher than your GPA.
3> Only sheepskin you'll see this summer is in the barn.
2> Your tassel comprises half of your work uniform.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Not Graduating This Term...
1> You got all "A's," but your name is Hester Prynne.
The Top 15 Pointless Commencement Addresses
15> Newt Gingrich: "Exploiting 95% of America While Maintaining a
Facade of Integrity and Compassion"
14> John Tesh: "How to Tell the Difference Between My Career and
That Smell from the Bottom of Your Shoe"
13> Oliver Stone: "I Saw What You Did"
12> Ex President-For-Life Mobutu: "Victory Through Negotiation" and
"It's Never Too Early to Start Investing in Your Retirement"
11> Ernest P. Worrel: "Raising America's Intellectual Standards
Through Mass Entertainment"
10> Frank Gifford: "Video Killed the Football Star, Too"
9> Howard Stern: "A Case for Optimism - Getting Your Valedictorian
to Remove Her Gown"
8> Susan Lucci: "If At First You Don't Succeed... Milk the Free
Publicity for All It's Worth"
7> Steven Spielberg: "How to Make $79 Million in a Single Weekend"
6> Kathie Lee Gifford: "Putting Your Inner Child to Work for You"
5> Anna Nicole Smith: "What *I* Think 'Summa Cum Laude' Means"
4> Tiger Woods: "Did I mention Nike yet?"
3> Bill Gates: "Thirty Billion Reasons Why a College Drop-Out Like
Me is More Successful Than You'll Ever Be"
2> John Bobbitt: "Letting Go of Past Attachments"
and the Number 1 Pointless Commencement Address...
1> Ross Perot: "There Are Live Clams in My Shorts and It's Scott
Baio's Fault"
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Wed, 04 Jun 1997 00:45:36 -0400
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:The Farther Side List <tfs@listserv.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
Jennifer wanted to know if I had any Microsoft jokes... Here are two
sets of Microsoft jokes, plus a link to a *real* boycott Microsoft (in
the name of competition, free markets & innovation...) page. You could
say Microsoft has made a few enemies...
Enjoy!
Tony
Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol
By Vince Sabio
REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft
Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights
to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in
most print media.
The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names
that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark
Office.
"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's
Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a
board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we
should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a
country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun
Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island
Formerly Known As Java., when it occurred to us that there are no
countries named 'ActiveX.' We tossed around the idea of changing the
name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which also help distance
it from the recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked
that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we just
trademarked the trademark symbol."
Schexnader continued, "Initially, we all laughed -- but one look at
Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and
Trademark Office in the morning."
Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark.
According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of
Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be
restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic
Church."
But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out
in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new
symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol.
"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states
Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use
in the future."
Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil
Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer
developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten
years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of
the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the
N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee
Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William
Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe,
"[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will
benefit computer users around the globe. It's a technological
breakthrough. As always, the rest of the companies out there are
straining to play catch-up."
So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest
acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice
Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases.
"Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We
already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the
new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new
trademark symbol.
"It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky
is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the
rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several
representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that
doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry --
and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our
software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft."
But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant.
"Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and
Trademark Office," stated Schexnader.
No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for
comment Tuesday.
----------------------------
Microsoft Acquires the Catholic Church
By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's
Square this morning, Microsoft Corp. and the Vatican announced that
the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in
exchange for an unspecified number of shares of Microsoft common
stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a
computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software
Division, while Microsoft senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and
Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said
Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five
to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of Microsoft and
the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more
fun for a broader range of people."
Through the Microsoft Network, the company's new on-line service,
"we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time"
and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling
indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins,
receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all
without leaving your home."
A new software application, Microsoft Church, will include a macro
language which you can program to download heavenly graces
automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's
Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in
character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was
broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello
chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy
hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants Microsoft exclusive electronic rights to the Bible
and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by
such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say Microsoft
will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors'
access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy
scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take
the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before
the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a
common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more
successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame
theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the
Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while
Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now
touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive
competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to
Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in
various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with
Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today
Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission
is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing Microsoft's
vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described Microsoft's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
religious architecture that will support all religions through
emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a
couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The Microsoft move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position
in the increasingly competitive religious market.
----------------------------
Microsoft Acquires Calendar Year 1995
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced
yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995.
1995 will be replaced instead by "Year-M," to be followed by actual
1995.
"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we
couldn't change the name again ... people were starting to get
confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new
marketing campaign we decided to buy 1995. That way we get an extra
year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new
1995."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to
bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The
IRS is being disbanded for the next year, but taxes will be
collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable
to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial
branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates
would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be
cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his
purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a
counter suit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be
broken up into "deity conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up
God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early
resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently,
God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer:
he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't
married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we
would be able to ship Windows 95 on time."
----------------------------
MIcrosoft Acquires Rights to "Bob"
REDMOND, Washington--January 4, 1995--In response to customer
inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its
new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to
rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob"
immediately select new first names.
"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve
Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and
Support. "It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people
outside the computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our
licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable
that the Justice Department could never question them."
Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the
opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing
option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low
cost.
The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers
persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option
of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon
signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added
bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the
Windows 95 logo on their bodies.
Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day
grace period during which they can select another related name.
"We're being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark,"
said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and
Corporate Affairs. "People are still free to call themselves Robert,
Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's
trademark and obviously can't be allowed."
Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive
Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first
Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed
to his forehead.
----------------------------
Microsoft Acquires "Microsoft Acquires"
REDMOND WASHINGTON (AP) -- Microsoft announced today that it, like
thousand of computer users everywhere, was tired of spoofs of
Microsoft Acquires. Users of the internet have been bombarded in
recent months by spoof announcements of "Microsoft Acquires." Recent
announcements have included Microsoft acquiring Christmas, the year
1995, and the Vatican. Therefore, Microsoft spokesmen announced
today that they had acquired the rights to all further "Microsoft
Acquires" announcements.
Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said, during a brief appearance at the
announcement, "Every time someone puts one of those d*mned
'Microsoft Acquires' spoofs on the net, 300 people forward it to me.
This should put a stop to that. And really, they're not that funny.
They're just not."
Industry analysts had mixed reviews. One analyst, Martin Sierpinsky,
believed that the effect of this latest announcement would be
minimal. "Spoof writers will simply switch to another topic, such as
'IBM lays off elves' or something." But another industry analyst,
who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, "This spells the end of
competition in humor about Microsoft. Microsoft will now control the
entire Microsoft Humor niche. They probably see this as a foothold
into the Computer Humor market. I think they will next attempt to
acquire exclusive rights to the Hackers' Dictionary."
David Wiborg said, "I don't think it's that significant. I think the
'Microsoft Acquires' thing was just a fad. In fact, a recent Gallop
poll of 'rec.humor.funny' readers ranked 'Microsoft Acquires' jokes
above Mouse Balls, but below Iraqi Driver's Ed."
Microsoft stock closed up 3/8 of a point yesterday on heavy trading.
==============================================================================
If restaurants functioned like Microsoft:
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What
seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it
with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind
of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with
the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed
the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running
late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
----------
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge
(will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
================================================
The Official Boycott Microsoft Campaign website:
http://www.vcnet.com/bms/
================================================
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Thu, 5 Jun 1997 21:03:16 -0400
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
3 days until graduation!! Kasparov lost a few weeks ago, and this is
just in on Deep Blue!
Enjoy,
Tony
__________________________________
5/12/97 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP 10
__________________________________
-= Top Ten Ways Deep Blue Is Celebrating Its Victory=-
10. Nailed R2D2
9. Just for the heck of it, told the I.R.S. computers to
audit Bill Gates
8. Went online pretending to be a transvestite: Had
cybersex with Eddie Murphy
7. Spent a romantic evening at home with his new girlfriend,
Jenny McCarthy
6. Got drunk and beat the crap out of a Nintendo
5. Called up moviefone and bought Garry Kasparov twenty
tickets for everything
4. Doing a guest spot on "friends" as Monica's "brainy"
new boyfriend
3. Enjoying a refreshing game of ping-pong
(suddenly - a video shot of an OLD pc with a ping-pong
paddle taped to side of the monitor comes up... you guessed
it, a ball bounces off it...)
2. Downloaded some pictures of Teri Hatcher and gave the
ol' mouse a workout
1. He's going to www.disneyworld.com!
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Sat, 7 Jun 1997 07:40:01 -0400
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Let's take a look back...
Enjoy,
Tony
All who would win joy,
must share it; happiness
was born a twin.
Lord Byron
Remember the first day of the first year of the first time in your life
you started your journey to getting old............
Remember the roomates, the fears, the tears, the nerves, setting up the
room, taking it apart and then rearranging it all over
again.............
Remember the first guy/girl who caught your eye, that same guy/girl who
senior you will still remember as your first college crush...
Remember attempting to keep in touch with high school friends, and
succeeding until you realized what a phone bill REALLY meant...
Remember promising to never change, but then realizing that's an
impossible
promise to keep when high school has passed and you've moved on...
Remember those first friends you shared your fears with, who soon became
acquaintances...
Remember those neighbors and classmates, who ended up becoming your
closest friends...
Remember holding back the tears on those days when you just wanted to
be home again, to feel safe again......................
Remember those days you felt you couldn't relate to ANYONE, you felt you
had no place, and just calling home would make it
worse................
Remember those drunken nights when the times you shared with your
friends
will forever hold a place in your memory and your heart.............
Remember those bonding nights, when you never felt closer to a certain
person, and how that closeness creates ties that never
die.............
Remember how you never realized the importance of family, until you
didn't see them everyday....................
Remember telling friends the deeepst secrets of your life, and knowing
they'd remain secrets.................
Remember the craziness of the dorm, getting sudden bursts of energy and
looking for people, even total strangers, to harass.............
Remember pulling all nighters, and never thinking they were as bad as
they sounded ubtil you actually lived through one...............
Remember those nights you were so drunk you held conversations with
strangers and seeing them the next day and remebering..............
Remember how those strangers soon became familiar faces and someone
to chat with.................
Remember hangovers, and promising yourself you were never going to do
this to yourself again....................
Remember how quickly that promise was broken....................
Remember when your closet stretched throughout the whole floor and
you never had to worry about a lack of clothes anymore.............
Remember how over breaks you had the chance to step back and really
see the friends you made and the memories shared, and you were
satisfied.......................
Remember thinking HOW MUCH your life has changed in just
months...........
Remember that dream guy/girl, you thought about so much, who when he/she
finally opened his mouth, you changed your opinion of him
forever.......
Remember how that guy/girl you once lived for soon became a joke and an
excuse for you and your friends to laugh at yourself.............
Remember the times, never forget them, even the little ones can hold
the greatest meaning.................
Remember to never lose touch with those friends you've made here at
college, because you have all changed and grown enormously together,
and that is something very sacred to be shared...........
Remember to love your friends, whether they come, go, love you
or hurt you, never let anyone go.........................
Remember you are only here for a short while, the time flies before
you realize it, so make it last, make it memorable, make it the best
time of your life, and make the best memories that you can carry with
you for the rest of your days.....................
Remember this doesn't last forever so never let a day go by without
living it to the fullest...................
Remember to never let a day go by without a laugh....................
Remember to love the ones you love, life isn't forever...........
Remember the laughs, let them echo in the back of your mind.........
And always remember, when you leave here in two days you are
leaving with much more than you walked in here with............
Children of the Eighties
========================
I am a child of the eighties. That is what I prefer to be called. The
nineties can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is
fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer
trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got
home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hours playing
Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. I never did
beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was a Goddess, and I
thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of their
psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy.
I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army
with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and
Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and
Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube.
I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera
cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "Space
Ghost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction
junction, what's your function?")
On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the
General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld
the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas
by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark
of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there
is another."
Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in
Moscow. My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and
collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.)
My brother and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative
uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air
conditioning unit.
I listened to John COUGAR Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for
Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his
dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You
Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed Mike
Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head
of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow.
I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like
to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory
accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for
breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier.
My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown
lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would
never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone? I got two thousand cheese
and cracker snack packs, and I ate those.
I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday.
Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with
the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music
and plants. They just loved Beethoven.
Field day was bigger than Christmas, but it always managed to rain
just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the
three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from? "Deck the
Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song.
Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler. A substitute teacher
was a baby sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that.
I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to
win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't
remember ever doing anything.
The world stopped when the Challenger exploded.
Did a teacher come in and tell your class?
Half of your friends' parents got divorced.
People did not just say no to drugs.
AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from
cancer.
Somebody in your school died before they graduated.
When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this
stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too.
We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it.
Recent Generations Compared:
============================
1940 generation 1965 generation 1990 generation
_______________ _______________ _______________
International Defeat of Hitler, Opposed Vietnam Changed channel
Achievement Communism War to MTV
Judicial Legal system should Legal system should Legal system
should
idea support society change society destroy society
Technological Moon landing Personal computer Beeper, car
alarm
highlight
Highbrow Classical Jazz Easy listening
Music
Lowbrow Big bands Rock Rap
Music
Civil rights Martin Luther King Malcolm X Damian Williams
leader
Hero Eisenhower John Kennedy Madonna
Economic Raise 60's generation Develop Support 60's
achievement Sophisticated generation
Tastes retirement
Fav' drug Cigarettes Marijuana Crack
Drug most Marijuana Crack Cigarettes
hated
Economic Work hard - get ahead Let your parents/ Prepare for
employment
philosophy government support at K-Mart
you
Cartoon Bugs Bunny Bullwinkle Beavis and
Butt-head
Boast "We made this country "We are great" "We are better
armed"
great"
Excuse 'I did it for the 'I was upset by 'I was abused'
country' world injustice'
Sex Monogamy Free love AIDS
Youthful Drag race Demonstration Use AK-47 at
school
rebellion
Movie Casablanca Easy Rider Bill and Ted's
Excellent
Adventure
Science Einstein Jacques Cousteau Biosphere II
Enemy USSR USA not sure where
country countries
located
Influential Eleanor Roosevelt Jane Fonda Roseanne Arnold
woman
Religion Monotheism Atheism Paganism
Enemy Hitler Nixon Joe Camel
Blames Them-- <--Them-- <--Them
(Loses 2-1)
--
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Sun, 8 Jun 1997 17:33:03 -0400
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Congratulations, Dartmouth Class of 1997!!!!
Farewell,
Tony
Dartmouth Undying
Dartmouth! there is no music for our singing,
No word to bear the burden of our praise;
Yet how can we be silent and remember
The splendor and the fullness of her days?
Who can forget her soft September sunsets?
Who can forget those hours that passed like dreams?
The long cool shadows floating on the campus,
The drifting beauty where the twilight streams?
Who can forget her sharp and misty morning,
The clanging bell, the crunch of feet on snow.
Her sparking noons, the crowding into Commons,
The long white afternoons, the twilight glow?
See! by the light of many thousand sunsets.
Dartmouth Undying like a vision starts:
Dartmouth, the gleaming, dreaming walls of Dartmouth
Miraculously builded in our hearts!
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Wed, 11 Jun 1997 01:10:23 -0400
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
The weather has been absolutely beautiful here in the Great White
North! (Of course, after being finished with school, a hurricane might
be just as relaxing as anything :-)
How 'bout a dip in the gene pool?
Enjoy,
Tony
Some evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine:
----------
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar
--------
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the
card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to
compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed
on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they
matched.
--------
Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card
readers
at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to
swipe
it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face
toward me."
Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
--------
A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded,
"I'm
sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost
99
cents.)
The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type,
disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium
then."
--------
Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described
the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really?
Where
is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just
south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
--------
Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees."
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
--------
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing
sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them
to cross there.
------------
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch
banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"
--------
Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
next
day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly
excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of
daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she
was
very disappointed.
---------
Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
sorry,
but they only had iceberg.
--------
Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her
for
the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she
paused,
thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am,
>that's
how I always remember."
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year
that
you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that,
and
then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Thu, 12 Jun 1997 17:54:19 +0000
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Here's a little Dr. Seuss thanks to Megan!
Enjoy,
Tony
Although Dr. Seuss wrote primarily for children, he once wrote a set
of technical instructions for linking to the Internet.
Here is what he wrote:
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
If the lable on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
The you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
--
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Mon, 16 Jun 1997 01:04:41 +0000
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
This just in...
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 15 Items in the Tobacco Companies' Deal
15> Camel cash catalog to include iron lung at 150,000 coupon level.
14> Sell super-cancerous $8 cigars to kill all those pretentious
cigar-smoking snots.
13> No more advertising on billboards, but the tattoo area is
wiiiiide open!!
12> Lucky Strike Psychic Friends Network will be permitted to
predict that every caller will fail miserably in their attempt
to quit smoking.
11> In final gala advertising event, Joe Camel to chew C. Everett
Koop's beard off on pay-per-view.
10> Tobacco companies agree to take Jesse Helms out of their back
pocket.
9> Only sports to be sponsored by tobacco companies: Lung Tossing
and Long Distance Phlegm Hacking.
8> All cigarette ads must carry picture of nude Ernest Borgnine
and/or Bea Arthur.
7> Sexy people doing exciting things in ads replaced by people in
Starfleet uniforms attending a Trek convention.
6> At RJ Reynolds corporate headquarters, every Tuesday is "Free
Tracheotomy Day."
5> Reduce nicotine, increase "moldy sardine" flavor.
4> Mandatory new brands: "Phlegm", "Yellow Tooth", "Loser Lights",
"Desperate Bid For Peer Approval 100s."
3> CEOs of Philip Morris and RJ Reynolds entitled to occasional
trident sharpenings and horn polishings.
2> Government agrees not to interfere with industry's upcoming
"Lung Disease is Cool" and "Bum a Smoke From Mickey" campaigns.
and the Number 1 Item in the Tobacco Companies' Deal...
1> Warning on side of packets replaced with picture of Keith
Richards.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Fri, 20 Jun 1997 07:36:05 +0000
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Remember blonde jokes?
Enjoy,
Tony
This Blonde wearing a walkman walks into a hair saloon to get her hair
cut. As she sits down in the barber chair, the Hair Stylist asks her to
remove her headphones so he can give her a proper hair cut.
The Blonde started to freak out & said "I can't take off these, or I'll
die!"
About 5 minutes into the haircut, the stylist was having a hard time
cutting around the headphones. "Miss, I can't give you a proper hair
cut if you are wearing those head phones; can you please take them
off?"
"No, you don't understand if I take these headphones off I'll die
without them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The Hair stylist said, "OK, fine! I'll try & cut around them, but I
can't guarantee that you will get a proper hair cut. After a little
while longer, he noticed his client had fallen, asleep & decided to
remove the headphones for a moment this way she wouldn't even notice.
Once he removed the headphones, the Blonde fell to the ground & was
laying still appearing unconscious he called 911 Once the paramedics
arrived & pronounced her dead. The police asking questions, asked the
stylist what happened just prior to her demise? He explained "I was
trying to give her a haircut & she refused to remove her headphones,
saying she'd 'die' without them."
After explaining this he looked over at the headphones & wondered what
the big thing was & what was playing, so when noone was looking &
slipped them on his head & heard.............
"BREATH IN......BREATH OUT......BREATH IN .......BREATH OUT......
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Mon, 23 Jun 1997 22:59:20 +0000
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
One more blonde joke while we're on the topic... Thanks Margot!
Enjoy,
Tony
Three blondes walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender
asks the first blonde, "what can I get you ma'am?" She
flips her hair and replies, "I'll have a M.L."
The bartender scratches his head, "I don't know that we
have that, miss..." the blonde rolls her eyes and says
"A Miller Light. Duh!" "Ah. Gotcha." and the bartender
scribbles down, Miller Light.
The bartender asks the second blonde "What can I get you
ma'am?" The second blonde says "I'll have a B.L." and flips
her hair. The bartender grins, "Bud Light, right?"
The second blonde rolls her eyes and says "Duh!"
So the bartender asks the third blonde what she would
like to drink, and she replies, "I'll have a fifteen."
again the bartender is confused, "A fifteen, miss?"
The third blonde rolls her eyes and says,
"A seven and seven. Duh!"
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Wed, 25 Jun 1997 01:19:39 +0000
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Here's a sneak peak at the new curriculum for intro English classes at
all levels...
Enjoy!
Tony
Dear Friends,
The United/European Union Commissioners have announced that an agreement
has been reached to adopt English, rather than German, as the preferred
language for American and European communications.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's and the United State's
Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement
and they developed a five-year phased plan for what will be known as
Euro-English.
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will
be replaced with "k". This will make English konform more klosely to
German,
which is a more proper language. Not only will this klear up konfusion,
but
typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always
ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible
mes
of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, so those would be dropd.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th"
with "z" and "w" with " v". Vuns agan, zis is mor in kunformuns wiz
German.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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Subject:The Farther Side
Date:Thu, 26 Jun 1997 17:13:34 +0000
From:Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To:Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Lawyer Jokes, anyone?
(Thanks Neesha)
Enjoy,
Tony
LAWYERS:
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill
up his heiney.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other
three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a
lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that
awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what
was your third question?"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the
Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the
saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit
blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in
back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer
answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country
inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
lover with an infant on her lap "Helen, why didn't you write when you
learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name." "Well,"
she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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