Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 1 Jul 1997 01:08:44 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings And Happy Birthday Canada!!!!!!
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(my first attempt at ASCII art, gimme a break, ok :-) All in the name
of patriotism...
Here's a little Mike Tyson humour...
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 5 New Problems for Mike Tyson
15> Fight controversy may adversely affect pro wrestling career.
14> Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt.
13> That constant ringing in his mouth.
12> Spock vs. Tyson bout hastily cancelled.
11> Can't decide between the Crest & Tom's of Maine endorsement
deals.
10> Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play
"Got Your Nose."
9> New nickname of "Nipsy" less intimidating than "Iron Mike."
8> Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent,
Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci.
7> Nobel people called -- they want their peace prize back.
6> Saturday: Bite some guy's ear off. Sunday: Ozzy Osbourne
won't stop pestering you to go for a drink.
5> Willing opponents now down to Vincent Van Gogh and
J.Paul Getty, Jr.
4> Don King, fearing a loss of credibility, ups commission
from 98 to 99%
3> ASPCA has yet to approve match with Marmaduke.
2> He's starting to make O.J. look respectable.
and the Number 1 New Problem for Mike Tyson...
1> Recurring fantasies about Ross Perot and Prince Charles.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Sat, 5 Jul 1997 22:19:37 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!!
Well it's been a long week both north and south of the border... I hope
everyone enjoyed their respective long weekends! Here's one from Craig.
Enjoy,
Tony
WHY I'M SO DAMN TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of
vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the
real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million
employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the
work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to
do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There
are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now,
there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do
the work. You and me. And you're sitting there goofing around on
email.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 1997 14:42:02 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Tennis anyone?
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 16 Reasons You Didn't Win Wimbledon
16> Never recovered emotionally after the queen mother goosed you.
15> Forgot your hormone injections in your other purse.
14> Besides your score, only thing with that many zeros is Bud
Collins' bar tab.
13> Given your lactose intolerance, carbo-loading on strawberries
and cream wasn't such a good idea.
12> Couldn't quite get close enough to employ your "Tyson strategy."
11> Although you paid $24,000 for it, you couldn't help tripping
on the dress Princess Diana wore when she met the Dalai Lama.
10> Even the guy who announces, "Quiet Please," couldn't contain
his laughter after watching you serve.
9> Racket strung not with not "cat gut," but with entire cat.
8> Ball boys secretly replaced with soccer hooligans.
7> Pounding shooters at the local pub wasn't what your coach meant
when he said you needed to "practice your slam."
6> Too busy reassuring your new wife that she is, in fact, "Must
See TV" and not a no-talent has-been.
5> Your best game on grass? Scrounging change out of the couch
before the pizza guy arrives.
4> Distracted by Prince Charles-led wave reflecting off Agassi's
head.
3> New endorsement deal with Glenlivet required you to cradle a
tumbler of scotch throughout the match.
2> The only time you've ever served an Ace was when you slapped
a restraining order on Kiss.
and the Number 1 Reason You Didn't Win Wimbledon...
1> British just too stuffy to accept your modern "Butt-Cheek
Racquet Grip."
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 9 Jul 1997 00:55:30 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!!
Smile for the birdie!
Enjoy,
Tony
oooo$$$$$$$$$$$$oooo
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o $ oo o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$o $$ $$ $$o$
oo $ $ "$ o$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$o $$$o$$o$
"$$$$$$o$ o$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$o $$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ """$$$
"$$$""""$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "$$$
$$$ o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "$$$o
o$$" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$o
$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" $$$$$ooooo$$$$o
o$$$oooo$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$"$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$""""""""
"""" $$$$ "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$" o$$$
"$$$o """$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$"$$" $$$
$$$o "$$""$$$$$$"""" o$$$
$$$$o o$$$"
"$$$$o o$$$$$$o"$$$$o o$$$$
"$$$$$oo ""$$$$o$$$$$o o$$$$""
""$$$$$oooo "$$$o$$$$$$$$$"""
""$$$$$$$oo $$$$$$$$$$
""""$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$"
"$$$$$$$"
:-) Happy :)
(-: Left Handed/Australian (:
:-( Sad :(
;-) Winky ;)
#-) Oh, what a night! #)
:-O Yelling/Shocked :O
:-| Frowning :|
~~:-[ Net Flame
:-$ Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is
:-P Sticking Out Tongue
:-@ Screaming/Swearing/Very Angry/About To Be Sick
:*) Drunk/Clown
>;-> Wicked Grin
:-# Been Smacked In The Mouth/Wears A Brace/Kiss
R-) Broken Glasses
(:-) Bald
:-))) Is Very Fat
:-{} Wears Lipstick
=:-) A Dickhead
@:-) Wears A Turban
>:-> Leering
$-) Yuppie/Just Won A Large Sum Of Money
:'( Crying
:=) Two Noses
8:] Gorilla
8-) Wears Glasses
B:-) Wears Sun Glasses On Head
:-T Keeping A Straight Face/Tight Lipped
:-y Said With A Smile
:-| Disgusted/Grim/No Expression
:~-( Crying/Shed A Tear
:'-( Crying
:~(~~ Crying
:-Q A Smoker
:-! A Smoker
%-\ Has A Hangover
|-o Bored
:-X A Kiss/Lips Are Sealed
(:-D Has A Big Mouth
(:+) Has A Big Nose
:-{) Has A Moustache
:-* Just Ate Something Sour/Bitter Taste/Kiss
[:-) Is Wearing A Walkman
(:-) Bicycle Helmets
:-)' Tends To Drool
=:-) Punk
+-:-) The Pope
O:-) An Angel
*<:-)> Santa
o-<:-{{{ Santa
*<|:-) Santa/A Clown
5:-) Elvis Presley
:-% Banker
:-: Mutant Smiley
(-:|:-) Siamese Twins
7:-) Fred Flinstone
:/7) Cyrano de Bergerac
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O A Barbershop Quartet
3:-o A Cow
8:-) A Pig/A Little Girl
:\/ A Woodpecker
]:-> The Devil
,-) A One Eyed Winky
|-( Lost Contact Lenses
#:-) Matted Hair/Fur Hat/Crewcut/Messy Hair
&:-) Curly Hair
C=:-) A Chef
><:>== A Turkey
@}->-- A Rose
=|:-)= Uncle Sam/Abe Loncoln
7:) Ronald Reagan
+<:-| Monk/Nun
:_) A Boxer/Had a Fight/Nose Is Sliding Of Face
>>:-) Devil/Horrible User
>>>>(:-) A Hat Salesman
{ A Psycho
(:I An Egghead
b:-) A Baseball Fan/Has A Cap On
(-) Needs A Haircut
;-(*) Feels Sick
*****:-) Marge Simpson
[:] A Robot
:-[ A Vampire/Count Dracula/Pouting/Sarcastic
:-F A Bucktoothed Vampire/Has Major Dental Problems
:=) Orangutan/Has Two Noses
:-? Smokes A Pipe
:-8( Condescending
8-# Death/Dead
>>:-<< Mad
;^) Smirking
>>:-1 Klingon
:-----} Liar/Pinnochio
!-( Black Eye
) Cheshire Cat
(:-D Blabber Mouth
A Schizo *#*!^*&:-) phrenic
:-'| Has A Cold/Flu
:$) Donald Trump
:-.) Marilyn Monroe/Madonna
:-) 8 Dolly Parton
:-|:-| Deja'vu
><*:oDX A Clown
C|:-= Charlie Chaplin
: .) Cindy Crawford
=) Adolf Hitler
~:o A Baby
===:-D Don King
8(:-) Mickey Mouse/Walt Disney
(|-| F Robocop
3:*> Rudolph the Reindeer
P-) A Pirate
%-~ Picasso
':-) Has One Eyebrow
<g> Grin
ROFL Rolling on the floor, laughing
LOL Laughing out loud
IMHO In my humble opinion
IOHO In our humble opinion
IMO In my opinion
BTW By the way
RTFM Read the f****** manual
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997 11:38:04 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!!
I hope everyone's enjoying the summer! Here's soemthing to make you
wonder.... Who else could you see as president?
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 16 Differences Under President Cindy Crawford
16> War on Drugs joined by War on Dull, Lifeless Hair.
15> President's residence now repainted and known as the "Teal
House" from Labor Day to Memorial Day.
14> Even with a Cabinet *full* of Baldwins, still can't get anyone
to watch the State of the Union address.
13> Paula Jones's sexual harassment lawsuit gets a LOT more coverage.
12> Her 10-point "Compact with America" bill will ensure that every
citizen is entitled to a non-shiny forehead.
11> Russia's deficits soar as Boris Yeltsin outbids the Chinese for
a year lease on the Lincoln Bedroom.
10> "Having a bad hair day" is a viable murder defense.
9> National meal for Thanksgiving changed from turkey and dressing
to parakeet and croutons.
8> "The Mole" no longer refers to a Soviet spy.
7> Independent Counsel repeatedly focuses investigations on the
President's dirty laundry.
6> Bill Clinton now sneaking *in* to White House at 4 a.m.
5> At start of joint session addresses, sergeant-at-arms now barks
"Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States! In a lovely
chiffon gown with baby-doll neckline, accented with a
breathtaking diamond solitaire pendant!"
4> Mr. Blackwell becomes FBI director; "worst dressed" lists start
popping up in post offices nationwide.
3> Typical state dinner menu: celery, a rice cake, and Tab.
2> Citizens finally stop complaining about ridiculously short
jogging shorts.
and the Number 1 Difference Under President Cindy Crawford...
1> Sudden declaration of war on Germany and England eerily
coincides with her catfight with Claudia and Naomi.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 17:18:15 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Do you trust your doctor? Should you?
Enjoy,
Tony
A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS
PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A
DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to
the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet
turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a
week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way
to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right
foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Sun, 20 Jul 1997 22:49:39 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Behold - the knee-slapper.
Enjoy,
Tony
A guy goes into a bar and orders a tall one. As he takes a sip of
his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks
around but sees no one. He take another sip of his beer and hears:
"A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.
He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's
hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the
bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Sat, 26 Jul 1997 02:52:05 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
I can just see Webster turning over in his grave....
(Thanks Neesha)
Enjoy,
Tony
WORDS NOT YET IN THE DICTIONARY......
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here"
spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you
dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will
'remove' all the germs.
PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front
of a household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even
when you're only six inches away.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be
seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of
you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow
suit.
ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that
the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until
he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 29 Jul 1997 01:33:57 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
"Roger. Go at throttle up" ring any bells people?
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 15 Famous Last Words
15> "C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there,
what're we gonna hit?" -- Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez
14> "Responding to the liberal media's biased coverage, these
fine young members of the Republican House Caucus are
standing behind me to show their full support for my
continued Speakership."
13> "Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father."
-- Darth Vader
12> "A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk
11> "Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie
10> "And now that I'm running my life support equipment through
Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..."
9> "I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer
8> "Here I sit all broken-hearted..." -- Elvis Presley
7> "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?"
-- insect
6> "No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man.
That's why it's called 'herbal.'"
5> "Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some
firewood!" -- Mr. Borden
4> "How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a
question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek
3> "Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?"
2> "Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder
my wife and an innocent waiter!"
and the Number 1 Famous Last Words...
1> "Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!"
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 1997 12:35:55 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
I saw Contact the other day. It was great! Anyway, before we get too
excited, check this out!
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 15 Mistakes Made on the MIR Space Station
16> Spacesuits made by Kathie Lee's plant in Siberia.
15> Freeze-dried lard sandwiches never as good as the real thing.
14> Souvenir shop takes up way too much room.
13> Forgot to set the VCR in Minsk to tape "Breshnev Hills 90210."
12> American's hairdryer keeps shorting out the Russian life-support
systems.
11> Replacing hydraulic fluid with Borscht seemed cost effective at
the time.
10> Sending up Duplo blocks to make repairs on a Lego structure.
9> The American brought "ALIEN" video along, and now Dimitri is
having trouble sleeping.
8> Shouldn't have let Yeltsin drive the docking craft.
7> Boy, did the kaka hit the fan when those personal waste
containment system O-rings failed.
6> Flaming Stoli shots behave a bit differently in a weightless,
high-oxygen environment.
5> "Dammit, Jimski! I'm a doctor, not a cosmonaut!!"
4> No real need for doggie door.
3> Should've accepted that ride home from Moose and Squirrel when
they had the chance.
2> "Heat-resistant outer layer" installed by Earl Scheib for $99.
and the Number 1 Mistake Made on the MIR Space Station...
1> Every third orbit, Cosmonauts get 'faced and try to whiz on
Germany.
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