Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 15 Sep 1997 21:15:18 +0000
From: "Tony.Field."<ATField@sprynet.com>
To: "Multiple.recipients.of.list.TFS."<TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
My apologies to all those of you who were humour-deprived over the last month
or so, I can promise you now regular service once again. To those of you
getting back to school, Welcome! Subscription information is noted at the
bottom of this message for those of you who are new or need a refresher... :-)
The web site (address given below) is still under construction, though you
should see a new and improved TFS site evolving over the next few weeks. Any
input would be appreciated. Also, please send me your contributions. I look
forward to hearing them.
And now, getting down to business! Here's one from Fiona. Be sure to follow
the rules. If your analyses are amusing, send them in!
Enjoy,
Tony
On a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then scroll down and read the
interpretation of your pig!!
Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It
won't be fun if you look first.
The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the artist.
If the pig is drawn:
Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.
Toward the middle, you are a realist.
Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave
negatively.
Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates
(birthdays, etc.).
Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of
family, nor do you remember dates.
Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate
and neither fear nor avoid discussions.
With many details, you are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and
are a risk-taker.
With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period
of major change.
With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.
The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the
better.
The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life!!!! (And again
more is better!)
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 18:51:53 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Here's the first in a series of knee slappers... hope you like it... (this
one from Jeff)
Enjoy,
Tony
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons
from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has
placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy.
In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency
spokespersons said Thursday "We have concluded joint investigations
concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nation's team,
separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The
accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...
"OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR."
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 23:46:35 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
The Blues: an instruction manual. (thanks to Joseph!)
Enjoy,
Tony
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most blues begin "Woke up this morning...."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless
you stick something nasty in the next line.
"I got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town..."
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
"Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town...
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town...
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds."
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation include a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin'
to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. In
blues, adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if
you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn
or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best
places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,
...unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing
the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the
blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied
treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you
die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted
to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 21:29:00 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
So, where were you when the movie "Twister" came out? Did you ever think what
else it might have been named?...
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Movie "Twister"
17> "Totally Gone With The Wind"
16> "Lift and Separate"
15> "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"
14> "Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldn't
Fit in the Plot"
13> "The Weather Channel: The Movie"
12> "Schindler's Twist"
11> "Field of Debris"
10> "Dead Man Flying"
9> "I, Cumulus"
8> "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
7> "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"
6> "Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto"
5> "Killer Genuine Draft"
4> "Four Weddings & A Funnel"
3> "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"
2> "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"
and the Number 1 Rejected Title for the Movie "Twister..."
1> "Roofless in Seattle"
[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 22:05:40 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
This one's from Greg. I'm sure there are a lot of recent graduates who can
appreciate this one... :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
This is an actual job application submitted
to a fast-food restaurant.
NAME: Greg B
DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 23:52:15 -0400
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
You'll laugh tomorrow. For now, here's something from Mark.
Enjoy,
Tony
"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be
a general. If you become a monk, you'll end up as the Pope.' Instead, I
became a painter and wound up as Picasso."
(P. R. Picasso)
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 23:42:16 -0400
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: Multiple recipients of list TFS <TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU>
Greetings!
Anyone who responds to the name of Sara L. Martin is strongly urged to reply
to this message.
And now something from Jeff.
Enjoy,
Tony
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-
law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
"honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon". I have also
heard that it was believed that if the groom drank mead for an entire
moon it would enhance the chances of his wife bearing a male heir, the
bride however had to abstain from drinking alcohol at all.
Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger
into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold,
and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This
thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get
the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or
ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor
or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in
Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and
called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he
wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink
itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word
still in use today.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the
phrase inspired by this practice.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 1997 01:40:04 -0400
From: "Tony.Field."<ATField@sprynet.com>
To: "Multiple.recipients.of.list.TFS."<TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
Congratulations to Uncle Tyler! (And to Scott and Susan, of course...:-)
Emily Davis was born 8lbs 3oz several hours ago!
And now, here's one of my favourites!
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine
with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and
precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your
split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the
stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose
petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a
delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave
the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded
into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in
every orifice.
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
temple.
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Subject: Email Address Change & Subscription Information
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 1997 01:40:14 -0400
From: "Tony.Field."<ATField@sprynet.com>
To: "Multiple.recipients.of.list.TFS."<TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
I have switched my main email address to the following:
Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG
Over the next few months, I will be phasing out this Sprynet address, so
please update your address books! I will let you know if my website ends up
moving sometime soon as well. This new address is permanent (permanent in the
real life sense, not the fleeting computer sense) so you'll never have to
change my email address again :-)
Thanks very much.
Sincerely,
Tony
p.s. For TFS subscribers, the list remains unchanged. If you would like to be
removed from the TFS list, send a message to
listserv@dartmouth.edu
with CONTENTS (i.e. NOT the subject)
UNSUBSCRIBE TFS
And you should receive a confirmation shortly thereafter. If you get an error
message, email me personally and I'll take care of it for you. If you like
The Farther Side, please, by all means, encourage your friends sign up for the
list. The more the merrier...the merrier. :-)
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 1997 00:53:20 -0400
From: "Tony.Field."<ATField@sprynet.com>
To: "Multiple.recipients.of.list.TFS."<TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
Yo Dartmouth '97s! Your passwords were in the mail, for further info, check out
http://www.alum.dartmouth.org/
You'll see the light soon enough. Your old Dartmouth.EDU accounts go *poof*
on the 30th.
As for the rest of you, nevermind that last paragraph :-)
Anyway... here's something I got from one of my many sources... it goes out
to all those of you whose mind tends to wander with no noticeable direction...
...what was I saying?
Enjoy,
Tony
Christian Slater was arrested on assault charges. Out of habit, Charlie
Sheen apologized. (Maher)
During the UPS strike the post office was inundated. For awhile, they even
considered opening a second window.
Mike Tyson's wife gave birth to a boy. The kid takes after Mike... he's
teething already. (Leno)
House Democrats and Republicans played a softball game in Washington in 95
degree weather. They were able to finish up quickly - in the middle of the
fifth inning they voted to close two of the bases.
A new study says spanking is bad for kids, however, experts are a bit
suspicious of the findings - the study was written in crayon.
The explorer Sojourner took a tour of the rock Vogi, then headed for Scooby
Do. It's pretty obvious - women are Venus and Hanna-Barbera is from Mars.
U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno has called for treating sentencing for
possession of powder and crack cocaine the same, and she's getting a lot of
support from politicians. D.C. Mayor Marion Barry said, "I've tried them
both and I can't tell the difference." (Leno)
Queen Elizabeth is said to be an avid Net surfer. She even has her own
broken- home page. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
America Online canceled its plan to sell subscribers' phone numbers to
phone solicitors. Why is AOL so good at apologizing to angry clients?
Practice. Lots of practice.
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
San Francisco marijuana activist Dennis Peron is running for California
governor in the Republican primary. It'll be nice to have a campaign that
takes the high ground for a change. (Daily Scoop)
CBS is making a movie based on Marcia Clark's book about the OJ Simpson
trial. Casting has not yet begun, but Marlon Brando has expressed interest
in playing the mountain of evidence.
Federal Highway officials told Congress that road rage accounts for
two-thirds of the country's deaths. The problem is indigenous to California
- our state bird is the hand gesture.
Disney has purchased the alternative music label Mammoth Records. You can
expect some minor changes - for example, all women being chased by
musicians will now be carrying plates of food.
A study has found that coffee drinkers lead more active sex lives. For one
thing, we're awake.
National Airport has undergone a $1 billion renovation. The bill was only
supposed to be half that amount, but the contractor left his car in daily
parking.
Food and Drug Administration advisors are recommending that a stronger
version of Rogaine be released. There is, however, some controversy over
the labeling. The new product is called Chia Hair.
Michael Bolton is recording an album of Italian opera. In a related story,
Italy has declared war on us.
Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie. They say it was easy to get
Barbie to talk. The problem was getting Ken to listen.
John Tesh trading cards will soon be available. Oooh, I'll trade you for a
'93 Yanni! (Daily Scoop)
Life Technologies is coming out with a new water said to contain seven
times more oxygen than regular bottled water. It's perfect for those people
who are just too busy to breathe.
And finally, Herbert Hoover, founder of Hoover vacuum has died. In
accordance with his wishes, he will be buried upright.
--
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 1997 23:55:36 -0400
From: "Tony.Field."<ATField@sprynet.com>
To: "Multiple.recipients.of.list.TFS."<TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
I hope everyone's having a good weekend! I actually broke out my Goretex
jacket today. We seem to have skipped over October and moved right into
November in Toronto... It's certainly a lot cooler up here than it is anywhere
where you'll hear words like the following :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
Aig - what a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Paints - what cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - what you set in
Crick - a small stream
Clum - he sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Dainz - Satidy night social
Ellum - A graceful tree
Fanger - what you put your rang on
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Far - what get the brandin arn hot
Furred - He got furred from his job
Flar - a rose is a purdy flar
Frash - them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Further - hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - where bad folks go
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in
his mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - whats between the hills
Hard- got a brend new hard
hand Tar - his core blew a tar
Laymun - a sour fruit
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - what you climb up
Liberry - where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - what you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - NO
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Pank - a light red color
Parch - sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - a paper bag or sack
Pokey - what the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in
Poke Salit -a green vegetable
Puppet - what the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rang - you wear it on your fanger
Rut - that there tree sure has long ruts
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Soardeens - small canned fish
Shar - A light rain
Gully Worsher - a medium heavy rain
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
Pop - a soft drink
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Storch - this here aprn has to much storch in it
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho -tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
War - a bobbed war fance
Worsh - go worsh your face
Warter - what you worsh your face in
Yurp - a continent overseas
--
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 29 Sep 1997 23:53:04 -0400
From: "Tony.Field."<ATField@sprynet.com>
To: "Multiple.recipients.of.list.TFS."<TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu>
Greetings!
This one came to me under the subject "Tasteless", however, I think it's a
little too funny to make me give in to the P.C. police...
Enjoy,
Tony
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope
was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've
always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in
person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the
flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is
fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if
the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me,
but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind.. My goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't
tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite
a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think
you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
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