Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 8 Jan 1998 08:36:14 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Just when you thought you'd never hear from me again.... TFS is back in
business! We're back to the regular schedule, 3 to 7 messages a week. If
you would like to make any contributions, please feel free to send them my
way. For subscription status changes, visit the TFS website at:
http://www.globalserve.net/~field97/tfs/
Enjoy,
Tony
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club
at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one
will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other
part of the building you want without difficulty. (and of course without
becoming dirty in the least.)
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you
should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could
be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts
so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks
are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilisation.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organisations - even though the job will require
them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as
the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of
their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite
laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person
sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting
damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth
birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days
before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in
Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall
in love.
"Film without Sound is a Silent Movie.Film without Light is Radio."
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 9 Jan 1998 06:57:22 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Well the Unabomber is now on a suicide watch, so I thougth I'd just send this
series from his own personal writings....er...not. Thanks Mark/Rob/Heather.
Enjoy,
Tony
Unabomber Haikus:
Technology bad
Please tell me you like my beard
Or I'll blow you up
Fun, easygoing
single, white Unabomber
seeks same for love, laughs.
Ed McMahon of death:
"You may already be a
winner! Open now!"
Bad Unabomber!
Blowing people all to hell.
Do you take requests?
Farewell to tenure
Sniping from the tower clock
already been done
Why can't I get this
stupid computer to print?
Time to buy some stamps.
Should I comb my hair
Or should I wear it matted
Judge prefers it combed
Remember when you
Laughed at his fake fur parka?
He remembers, too.
"Open your present..."
"No, you open your present..."
Kaczinski Christmas
Its circumstantial
all that stuff in my cabin
I found it all. Yeah.
My Daddy said BANG
When he taught me about sex.
I misunderstood.
Ted's fate worse than death:
"You're assigned to prison shop.
Make computer chips."
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Sat, 10 Jan 1998 11:11:01 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Here's a little Stephen Wright for you, thanks to Greg.
Enjoy,
Tony
> I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
> near the place.
>
> I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
> house and four people died.
>
> Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
> coffee table. They couldn't help me.
>
> When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great
> parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
> I'm leaving.
>
> When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an
> only child...eventually.
>
> I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy
> them again.
>
> For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in
> the same room and let them fight it out.
>
> I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
> in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman
> in Germany who said "Cut it out!"
>
> I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
> like I'm the only one moving.
>
> I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song
> on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
>
> I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
> when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer &
> farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
>
> I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything
> specific.
>
> I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
> The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80
> degrees out today." I said "Oops..."
>
> I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
> cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
>
> I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
>
> My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
>
> I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
>
> I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
>
> I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but
> leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
>
> I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got
> there.
>
> A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
> You'll just be walking down the street and.................oohh,
> that's much better.
>
> I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
> I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
> some of it.
>
> I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
>
> Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
>
> My school colors were clear.
>
> I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up
> letter.
>
> I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having
> trouble breathing.
>
> My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how
> and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No."
> She said, "Okay, forget it."
>
> My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They
> caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong
> sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball
> and chain.
>
> Hermits have no peer pressure.
>
> Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories
>
> There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
> like an idiot.
>
> How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
>
> When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
> He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of
> August? Cool!"
>
> Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
>
> I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
> furious.
>
> Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
>
> I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around
> singing "Happy Birthday".
>
> I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now
> everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
>
> I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that
> stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
>
> It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
> temperature.
>
> Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
>
> I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
> thanks-I'm not going that far."
>
> I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door
> complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
>
> I'm a peripheral visionary.
>
> I make my own water-two glasses of H, one glass of O.
>
> Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller
> ballerinas?
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 12 Jan 1998 07:05:10 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Here's a stash of completely useless facts to turn your mind into jelly.
Enjoy,
Tony
More than you ever wanted to know about just about everything----
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop
and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is
an American flag..
All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of
the $5 bill.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz. Charlie Brown's father was a barber.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers
(Moe, Curly and Shemp.)
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has
a speaking role.
Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor's salaries.
Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation , was played by six
different cats.
A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of
Guinness beer.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de losAngeles
de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its ize, "L.A."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was
sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same
pattern of whiskers.
Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
When the University of Wyoming Cowboys play football at home, the stadium
becomes the state's largest city.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws
up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth.Then the
frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then
swallows the stomach back down again.
Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.
Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."
ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names
(Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)
The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's
sister,Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles
at a religious retreat in India.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened
cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself..
Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraser.
The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
Alexander the Great was an epileptic.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank
Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Horses and Rabbits cannot vomit.
A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an
ordained minister.
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
(Editor's note...how did she get THAT name, do ya wonder?)
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.
Dartboards are made out of horsehairs.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.
Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made
by swearing on their testicles.
The only planet without a ring is earth.
Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 13 Jan 1998 06:46:53 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Thanks those of you proud Canadians who actually knew the truth about the flag
on the Canadian $50 bill - it's actually the old Canadian flag, which has a
little Union Jack in the top left hand corner among other things - that was in
place in Canada until the 1960 when the current flag was adopted.
And now for today, since I didn't get to send out any Christmas stuff this
year, and they took our Christmas trees away yesterday, here's one last thing
to remind you of the holidays - 2 actually: The X-Files X-mas and It's a
Wonderful Machine (for all you non-believers)
Enjoy
Tony
An X-Files Xmas
57 Elm Street
Bethlehem, Pa.
11:51 p.m., December 24th.
"We're too late! It's already been here."
"Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing."
"Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted,
transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung
by the chimney, with care."
"You really think someone's been here?"
"Someone, or something."
"Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake."
"Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal."
"It's O.K. There's a note attached: 'Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.'"
"It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list."
"Who? What are you talking about?"
"Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great
speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter
solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its
followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite."
"But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children.
Surely you don't believe it?"
"Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this
gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive--and
in a hurry."
"It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been
completely drained."
"It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse."
"But why would they leave it milk and cookies?"
"Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding."
"But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were
locked. There's no sign of forced entry."
"Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace."
"Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof
and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide.
Nothing could get down there."
"But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?"
"You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?"
"Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home
was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding
its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never
forget the horror. I turned away,and when I looked back it had somehow taken
on the facial features of my father."
"Impossible."
"I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato
Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head!"
"I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You
want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and
brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do
you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the
X-files."
"Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake."
"But we have no proof."
Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the
airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red."
"But that was a meteor shower."
"Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from
the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody--not even the zookeeper--was told
about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.
They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending
half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will
collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives.
There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another
silent night."
"Mulder, I--"
"Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?"
"On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter."
"The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter."
The Desktop Critic
It's a Wonderful Machine: The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made
By David Pogue
I guess I shouldn't have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked, and
maybe I shouldn't have watched the movie It's a Wonderful Life while leafing
through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night--like a
bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy Stewart stars as
Steve "Jobs" Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved small-town computer
company. For years, big monopolist Bill "Gates" Potter has been wielding his
power and money to gain control of the town. And for years, Steve has fought
for survival: "This town needs my measly, one-horse computer, if only to have
something for people to use instead of Windows!"
But now an angry mob is banging on Apple's front door, panicking. "The press
says your company is doomed!" yells one man. "You killed the clones! We're
going to Windows!" calls another. "We want out of our investment!" they shout.
Steve, a master showman, calms them. "Don't do it! If Potter gets complete
control of the desktop, you'll be forced to buy his bloatware and pay for his
cruddy upgrades forever! We can get through this, but we've got to have faith
and stick together!" The crowd decides to give him one more chance.
But the day before Christmas, something terrible happens: On his way to the
bank, the company's financial man, Uncle Gilly, somehow manages to lose $1.7
billion. With eyes flashing, Steve grabs the befuddled Gilly by the lapels.
"Where's that money, you stupid old fool? Don't you realize what this means?
It means bankruptcy and scandal! Get out of my company--and don't come back!"
Desperate and afraid, Steve heads to Martini's, a local Internet cafe, and
drowns his sorrows in an iced cappuccino. Surfing the Web at one of the cafe's
Macs, all he finds online is second-guessing, sniping by critics, and terrible
market-share numbers.
As a blizzard rages, Steve drives his car crazily toward the river. "Oh,
what's the use?!" he exclaims. "We've lost the war. Windows rules the world.
After everything I've worked for, the Mac is going to be obliterated! Think of
all the passion and effort these last 15 years--wasted! Think of the billions
of dollars, hundreds of companies, millions of people . . . ." He stands on
the bridge, staring at the freezing, roiling river below--and finally hurls
himself over the railing.
After a moment of floundering in the chilly water, however, he's pulled to
safety by a bulbous-nosed oddball. "Who are you?!" Steve splutters angrily.
"Name's Clarence--I mean Claris," says the guy. "I'm your guardian angel. I've
been sent down to help you--it's my last chance to earn my wings."
"Nobody can help me," says Steve bitterly. "If I hadn't created the Mac,
everybody'd be a lot happier: Mr. Potter, the media, even our customers. Hell,
we'd all be better off if the Mac had never been invented at all!"
Music swirls. The wind howls. The tattoo on Steve's right buttock--Buzz
Lightyear from Toy Story--vanishes.
Steve pats the empty pocket where he usually carries his Newton. "What gives?"
"You've got your wish," says Claris. "You never invented the Mac. It never
existed. You haven't a care in the world."
"Look, little fella, go off and haunt somebody else," Steve mutters. He heads
over to Martini's Internet cafe for a good stiff drink. But he's shocked at
the difference inside. "My God, look at the people using these computers! Both
of them--they look like math professors!"
"They are," says Claris.
"What is this, a museum? It looks like those computers are running DOS!"
"Good eye!" says Claris. "DOS version 25.01, in fact--the very latest."
"I don't get it," Steve says.
"DOS is a lot better and faster these days, but it hasn't occurred to anybody
to market a computer with icons and menus yet. There's no such thing as
Windows--after all, there never was a Mac interface for Microsoft to copy."
"But this equipment is ancient!" Steve exclaims. "No sound, no CD-ROM drive,
not even 3.5-inch floppies!"
"Those aren't antiques!" Claris says. "They're state-of-the-art Compaqs,
complete with the latest 12X, 5-inch-floppy drives. Don't forget, Steve: The
Mac introduced and standardized all that good stuff you named."
"But that's nuts!" Steve explodes. "You mean to tell me that the 46 percent of
American households with computers are all using DOS?"
"Correction: All 9 percent of American households," says Claris cheerfully.
"Without a graphic interface, computers are still too complicated to be popular."
"Bartender!" shouts Steve. "You don't have a copy of Wired here, do you? I've
got to read up on this crazy reality!"
The bartender glares. "I don't know what you're wired on, pal, but either stop
talking crazy or get outta my shop."
"No such thing as Wired," whispers Claris. "Never was. Before you wished the
Mac away, most magazines were produced entirely on the Mac. Besides, Wired
would be awfully thin without the Web."
"Without the--now, wait just a minute!" Horrified, Steve rushes over to one of
the PCs and connects to the Internet. "You call this the Net? It looks like a
text-only BBS--and there's practically nobody online! Where's Navigator?
Where's Internet Explorer? Where's the Web, for Pete's sake?"
"Oh, I see," Claris smiles sympathetically. "You must be referring to all
those technologies that spun off from the concept of a graphic interface.
Look, Steve. Until the Mac made the mouse standard, there was no such thing as
point and click. And without clicking, there could be no Web . . . and no Web
companies. Believe it or not, Marc Andreesen works in a Burger King in Cincinnati."
Steve scoffs. "Well, look, if you apply that logic, then PageMaker wouldn't
exist either. Photoshop, Illustrator, FreeHand, America Online, digital
movies--all that stuff began life on the Mac."
"You're getting it," Claris says. He holds up a copy of Time magazine. "Check
out the cover price."
Steve gasps. "Eight bucks? They've got a lot of nerve!"
"Labor costs. They're still pasting type onto master pages with hot wax."
"You're crazy!" screams Steve. "I'm going back to my office at Apple!" He
drives like a madman back to Cupertino--but the sign that greets him there
doesn't say, "Welcome to Apple." It says, "Welcome to Microsoft South."
"Sorry, Steve; Apple went out of business in 1985," says Claris. "You see, you
really did have a wonderful machine! See what a mistake it was to wish it away?"
Steve is sobbing, barely listening. "OK, then--I'll go to my office at Pixar!"
"You don't have an office at Pixar," Claris reminds him. "There was no Mac to
make you rich enough to buy Pixar!"
Steve has had enough. He rushes desperately back to the icy bridge over the
river. "Please, God, bring it back! Bring it back! I don't care about market
share! Please! I want the Mac to live again!"
Music, wind, heavenly voices--and then snow begins softly falling.
"Hey, Steve! You all right?" calls out Steve's friend Larry from a passing
helicopter. Steve pats his pocket--the Newton is there again! It's all back!
Steve runs through the town, delirious with joy. "Merry Christmas, Wired!
Merry Christmas, Internet! Merry Christmas, wonderful old Microsoft!"
And now his office is filled with smiling people whose lives the Mac has
touched. There's old Mr. Chiat/Day the adman. There's Yanni the musician. And
there's Mr. Spielberg the moviemaker. As the Apple board starts singing "Auld
Lang Syne," somebody boots up a Power Mac.
Steve smiles at the startup sound. "You know what they say," he tells the
crowd. "Every time you hear a startup chime, an angel just got his wings."
_____________________________________
David Pogue's latest book is The Microsloth Joke Book (Berkeley, 1997). If the
World Wide Web still exists, his home page is www.pogueman.com.
MacWorld Magazine January 1998 page: 194
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 15 Jan 1998 07:05:27 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
This one's a classic and so worth seeing again. And don't forget, if you want
me to add anyone else to the list, pass their names on to me!
Enjoy,
Tony
BART SIMPSON'S PUNISHMENT
The opening credits of "The Simpsons" shows Bart Simpson writing on the school
chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the ole "write it 100
times" punishment). Each episode however the sentence is different. Someone
(not me, thank you) went to the trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down
the sentences that Bart writes on the chalk board. The following are the
collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're
not a fan, you'll like these:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 16 Jan 1998 06:58:13 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
It's time for the first Interactive Farther Side of the year! This one here
was sent to me from Karin (thanks!). It looks pretty silly, but try it, and
you'll be amazed! Send your answers in to me (just reply to this message),
and I'll publish a list of the best answers next Friday.
Enjoy,
Tony
There is a precise formula that can be used to derive Your Soap Opera Name and
Your Porn Star Name.
Your Soap Opera Name = Your Middle Name + The Street You Grew Up On
Your Porn Star Name = Your First Pet's Name + Your Mother's Maiden Name
Research has shown that the degree of accuracy is frighteningly high.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Sat, 17 Jan 1998 05:30:36 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
If you ever find yourself saying things like this, you might want to get help.
Thanks Megan!
Enjoy,
Tony
DAILY AFFIRMATIONS FOR PEOPLE IN THERAPY:
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone
else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course,I
want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in
many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly
as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nicethings for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead, I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step-blaming my parents.
To understand all is to fear all.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.
My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving
as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 19 Jan 1998 06:48:47 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
This one speaks for itself.
Enjoy,
Tony
Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
16. Charleton Heston -- Shot by an ape cleaning its semi-automatic "hunting rifle"
15. Pamela Anderson Lee -- Boobytrap
14. Susan Lucci -- Tripped and broke her neck while running up steps to accept Emmy
13. Barry White -- Ambushed by a squad of confused Girl Scout leaders
12. Alanis Morissette -- Killed just after winning the lottery at age 98, in a
car accident during a traffic jam on her own rainy wedding day while receiving
a prepaid free ride from three women who look just like her but with worse
hair. Whoa, isn't it ironic -- don't you think?
11. Anna Nicole Smith -- Suffocated while working out on a slant board
10. Jenny McCarthy -- Struck by a random thought
9. Marlon Brando -- Choked to death while eating buttered popcorn at 25th
anniversary screening of "Last Tango in Paris"
8. Keith Richards -- Natural causes
7. RuPaul -- Prostate cancer
6. Madonna -- Exposure
5. Al Gore -- Dutch Elm disease
4. Keanu Reeves -- Brain tumor
3. Marv Albert -- Hit by Victoria's Secret delivery truck outside of Carpet World
2. Pee Wee Herman -- Died by his own hand
and the Number 1 Most Ironic Celebrity Death...
1. Gallagher -- Killed by Smashing Pumpkins
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 20 Jan 1998 07:01:09 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Thanks go out to Kevino for this one!
Enjoy,
Tony
Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that, unfortunately, crashed. Now
they're up in Heaven, and God's sitting on the great, white throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we
need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole
earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit
at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should
be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be
able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's
pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my
right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe?"
Hillary replies, "I believe you're in my chair."
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Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 26 Jan 1998 01:11:52 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
And welcome, skiers, to the list!
Here's one from Tim.
Enjoy,
Tony
A few months ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cailini ('96 Playmate of the Year)
and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid
joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered
ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for
them *AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up on current affairs. The
ladies' answers were amusing (and a bit sad), but the bit did prove that you
don't have to be a neurosurgeon to earn a pile of cash! Love him or hate him,
you have to appreciate Howard's sense of the absurd.
Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: "Gorbachev"
Stacey:"Gretzky"
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)
Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie:"Something, something, for Certified Pianists"
Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)
Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?
Julie:"I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the
lightbulb guy."
Stacey: "I don't know."
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the phone guy!)
Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: "Gore something-or-other."
Stacey: "Bill Clinton."
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich. For the benefit of international members of
the market-l, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill Clinton" is our president.)
Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie:"I don't know."
Stacey:"Certified Investigation Association."
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)
Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: "The Equator."
Stacey:"The Moon."
(correct answer: The Sun)
Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to what
he termed "industry related" questions:
Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: Both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan."
Q: What is "Cristal?"
A: Both knew it was an elite champagne.
Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: Both knew it was Porsche.
Q: Who's face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
A: Both knew it was Ben Franklin.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 27 Jan 1998 06:51:31 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Responses from the Soap Opera Star and Porn Star Names are coming out on
Thursday morning. In the meantime, this one here goes out to the Class of
'97. Thanks Rob!
Enjoy,
Tony
The First Realizations That You're Not in College/University Anymore
(1) You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
(2) Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
(3) College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
(4) Your parents charge rent.
(5) The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, pot and cereal.
(6) It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.
(7) Three words: Student Loan Payments.
(8) You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.
(9) You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
(10) Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the
hospital by game's end.
(11) THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans, and
tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
(12) Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
(13) Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
(14) Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.
(15) Dinner and a movie -The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
(16) Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
(17) Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.
(18) The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
(19) The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now
remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
(20) You get your news from sources other than USA Today, TSN and MuchMusic News.
(21) Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.
(22) You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while going to university.
(23) You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
(24) You empathize with the characters from 'Friends".
(25) METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
(26) Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
(27) You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
(28) Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
(29) When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down
the same as I used to'.
(30) Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work,
not video games.
(31) You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not
full of '19-year-old kids.'
(32) Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Sdie
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 1998 06:46:56 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@Sprynet.COM>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
This threatening note was passed on from Fiona. Thanks.
Enjoy,
Tony
FROM: THE TREES
StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl CoNtInUE To KIll oNe CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.
TheRe ARE nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 1998 07:29:08 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Last week I sent out a message that described how to figure out your Soap
Opera Name and your Porn Star Name. Dozens of you responded, and here are a
few of your answers. Take a good look at some of these - they're pretty good!
You'll notice that I included the real names (you didn't really think you
could get away with submitting these without a little embarrassment, did you :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
Your Soap Opera Name = Your Middle Name + The Street You Grew Up On
Your Porn Star Name = Your First Pet's Name + Your Mother's Maiden Name
Real Name Soap Opera Name Porn Star Name
========= =============== ==============
Tony Field Theodore Riverside Mutzie Norris
Bonnie Rottstin Charlene Diversey Bunky Rocklin
David Gale Spencer Diamondback Wizard Spencer
Adam Weinstein Richard Windmill Simon Slow
Katie LaForgia Frances West Saddle River Primavera McLouchlin
Veronika Romero Kildare Dakota Mittelstrass
Megan Daggett Elizabeth Morningview Shadow Widhalm
Stephen Boyd William Notchcliff Allister Tracy
Cherylyn CJ A. Holmes Ann McKellips Dinky Barbour
Caitlin Foley Hunter Route 9 Hepzibah Conrad
Joseph Scott Carl Crawford Poopsie Heck
David Bruder Gerard Gore Squeaky Buck
Daniel Karnes Bruce Lilac Lane Pinky Gilson
Kevin Findlan Connors 34th Avenue Blobby Loeffler
Emily Soden Anne Locust Duffy Schneider
Andrew Butterworth Hobbes Davis Grant Linton
Wayne DeBeatham Lloyd Holcomb Cray Thomas
Christopher Holden Parker Field Wylie Lavallee
Timothy Redl Anton Ridgewood Petey Graham
Karin Chesebro Elizabeth Balsam Mobitz Maslinski
David Miller Alan Paseo Los Santos Pepsi May
David Hofer Karl Route 191 Shadow Baker
Dave's Friend James Vincent Churchill Dracula Pratt
Mark Wenzel John Fitch K.D. Wilson
Elizebeth Linnell Rayann Quimby Lady Johnson
Jessica Veysey Susannah Blood Menza Petey
Nathalie Dugre Mary Jo Carrete Daisy Day
Babsy-wabsy Loomis Canaan Winnie Basehore
Ann Loomis Canaan Winnie Basehore
Neesha Ramchandani Pine Ridge Muffin Uttamsingh
Alexa Sharp Megan Springfield Meatball Forbes
Michael J. Brewer John Iroquois Boo Griffin
Mike's Friend Corinne Cuyler Boober Bradley
Jennifer Constable Christina Braza Kelly Renn
Karen Thickman Rae Francis Casey Crocker
Tim McCann Hugh Obispo Sancho de Andrade Boohackey Fontana
Sophie Billekens N/A Mokka Basten
Sophie's Friend N/A Cookie Zuckerman
Sophie's other one N/A Ceasar Coates
Andrew Scott William Lorié Fuddy De pol
Rob Macdonald Bruce Highbourne Butterscotch Stubbs
Julia Rannala Mai Brooke Smokey Vaarsi
Tyler Davis (reversed?) Harley Henry Gordon Wood
Micke Morn Andreas Winchester Banana Peterson Buster Peterson
Adam Lefleur Ehrlich Lefleur Locust Harry Lefleur Lefleur Spruce Rio Lefleur Lucy Lefleur Rosie Lefleur Doc Lefleur Daisy Lefleur
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 30 Jan 1998 07:24:31 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
(see, I spelled it right this time...) Anyway, here's one from Fogie.
Enjoy,
Tony
Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship:
10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs
9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great
8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote"
7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand
6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law
5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his "subpoena"
4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff
3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair
2. Have president introduce you to his "special investigator"
and the number one benefit of a White House internship...
1. Find out what a politician means when he says he's been polling his constituents!
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>