Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 20:19:24 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
This is my second attempt for a TFS today - slightly more family-oriented than
Adam Sandler's Astrology, I guess. (available upon rquest) Thanks Kevin.
Enjoy,
Tony
The World's 25 Shortest Books
25. "Things I wouldn't do for money" by Dennis Rodman
24. Human Rights Advances in China
23. The Differences between Reality and Dilbert
22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton
21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeG.
20. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
19. "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"
18. "Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
16. America's Most Popular Lawyers
15. Career Opportunities for History Majors
14. Detroit - A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
11. Easy UNIX
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know About Women
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. French Hospitality to non-Francophones
6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
5. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
And the Number One World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 07:09:51 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings
This guy never stops... Thanks Fi.
Enjoy,
Tony
Stephen Wright one-liners
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 5 Feb 1998 07:54:16 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Here's a pair for you from Craig/Tyler. Thanks guys...
Enjoy,
Tony
Men - You Just Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her and the kids.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing layabout.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a sheila.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're a poofter.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If you ask for a cuddle, you never think of anything but sex.
If you're totally whacked after a hard day's work, you don't give a damn
about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her any more.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
--------------
Dr. Suess Meets Fornigate
I am Starr. Starr I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join -- even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow your feathers and your tar,
I did not do her Starr you are!
Did you smile?
Did you Flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?
That is it; you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 6 Feb 1998 07:12:07 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Okay, let's try for something a little less crude this time... Dave Barry.
Thanks Sariya!
Enjoy,
Tony
I myself had an insight the moment we arrived in Kauai, namely: one reason
why visitors like it so much is that they're so happy to get out of the
damned airplane. If Kauai wanted to be really friendly, it would locate
itself closer to the mainland. As it is now, you have to spend, depending
on your airline connections, approximately a month flying there, trying to
get comfortable in an airline seat that - I think this has something to do
with the theory of relativity - gets progressively smaller the farther the
plane goes, so that by the middle of your second week en route (around hour
163 of the FAA-required in-flight movies that nobody ever heard of) your
body has been compressed into a space the size of a gym locker, but somehow
not as comfortable.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 06:57:21 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings
Let's get away from the scandal jokes for a while... Here's one for the whole
family... :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 1998 06:58:50 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Short, but good.
Enjoy,
Tony
Three men go for a job interview.
The first one goes into the managers office. The other two hear
shoutting and furniture breaking. He comes out and says that the
other two must say nothing about his ears.
The second guy goes in and the same thing take place. He comes out
and says to the last guy, "if you don't say anything about his ears,
you'll get the job."
The last guy goes in, and the manager says "Do you see anything
wrong with my face?"
The applicant looks and says, "yes, you are wearing contact
lenses." The applicant and manager chat a while and he gets the job.
As he is leaving, the manager still very impressed, asks him "How
did you know I was wearing contact lenses?"
The guy turns aroun and says, "Well if you had any ears, you would
be wearing glasses."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 1998 07:33:22 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Sorry about that double-message yesterday... muscle spasm :-)
ANYWAY, here's a little something to help you identify your driving style...
Enjoy,
Tony
HOW TO FIND A DRIVER'S ORIGIN
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on accelerator: California*
* with gun also in lap: L.A.
Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians cross
against the light: San Francisco
One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the dash board,
Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right foot on the
accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon Valley, listening to
KEZR.
One hand in the wheel area, one hand on horn, pressing all the way 0.02
seconds before the light changes, left foot on the transmission pedal, right
foot on the accelerator, pressing all the way 0.01 seconds before the light
changes: Israel.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio,
but driving in Boston.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to
someone in back seat: Italy
Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in lap, foot
on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking
the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their ow or other's
cars: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun
out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks
along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that
didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting
a car with New York plates.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 12 Feb 1998 07:38:59 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
First, something on nerds. Then, attached at the bottom is a little something
for Valentine's Day. You didn't forget, did you??? (Thanks to Katheryn.A.Bennett.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG)
Enjoy,
Tony
Since hunting season is going strong, I thought this might be
approprite... This was sent in by Kevin Dewinter from somewhere in
Cyberspace...
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for
a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK|" He
goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he
drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils
stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows
the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a
license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill
out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what
happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,
felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I
thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Qpid Press Release
Qpid Presents Lovestock
Free Lovin' for the 90's
Boston, MA - January 16, 1998 - Student Advantage, the nation's largest
card-based discount and membership program for college students, will launch
the third annual Qpid: Lovestock, Free Lovin' for the 90's, on February 2, 1998
for Valentine's Day. Last Valentine's season, Qpid attracted over 393,000
visits, proving once again that the future lies in electronic greetings.
Located on the Student Advantage Network, http://www.studentadvantage.com/qpid,
Qpid Lovestock, a one-stop Valentine's Web site. Similar to previous years,
the site will offer a quick, easy, inexpensive and very trendy way to show some
one you care with a famous electronic kiss, card or bit of romantic humor. New
for 1998, the site offers advice, chat rooms, fun history and facts,
MatchMaker, love headlines from U-Wire, suggestions for planning the big night
and much more.
Qpid Lovestock provides visitors with a truly interactive experience. Qpid
electronic greeting such as Flashcards and Kisses, are fun, animated and
revolutionary alternatives to conventional Valentines such as cards and candy.
Qpid Kisses are fully supported with digitized sounds and mesmerizing animated
graphics. "Qpid provides an alternative means of communicating with those you
care about. The kisses practically jump right off the screen onto the cheek of
a lucky recipient," says Lynn Santopietro, Web Promotions Manager for Student
Advantage. Qpid Cards allow users to create custom multimedia valentines with
personal notes, romantic sound clips and instant delivery.
Qpid Lovestock is free to all Web users. An added bonus for Student Advantage
members is the opportunity to save on gifts or transportation this Valentine's
Day through discounts offered by national sponsors such as 1-800-Flowers,
5-Star Cookies, Tower Records, Amtrak, Greyhound, and Mailboxes, Etc.
Student Advantage, L.L.C was founded in Boston in 1992 by President Ray Sozzi
to improve the lives of college students. In addition to being the largest
membership and discount program for students, Student Advantage is positioned
to become the leading media brand for the college market. Student Advantage
recently announced the launch of the Student Advantage Network,
http://www.studentadvantage.com, a collection of leading student Web sites
including The Main Quad (interaction), U-Wire (campus news), BridgePath (job
search), and Student Advantage (membership discount) creating the largest and
most comprehensive Web destination for the college market.
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 1998 07:52:11 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
This is the last Farther Side before Valentine's Day, so if any of you guys
were interested in maybe asking someone out, you might want to prepare answers
for the following application. Also attached below is a really cheesy
Valentine's Day story.
Enjoy,
Tony
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
| NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected
| unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
| school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV
| printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.
|
| NAME______________________________________
| DATE OF BIRTH______________
| HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________
| GPA_____________
| SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________
| DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
| BOY SCOUT RANK AND
| BADGES______________________________________________
| HOME ADDRESS__________________________
| CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
|
| Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?
| ___________________________
| If NO, please explain
| _________________________________________________
| Number of years they have been married
| ________________________________
| If less than your age, explain
| ________________________________________
|
| Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized
| tires?___________
| A waterbed?_____________A pickup with a mattress in the
| back?__________
| A condom?_______________Pornography?_______________Do you
| have an
| earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________
| A tattoo?_____________
|
| (IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
| LEAVE PREMISES)
|
| In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to
| you?_______________________
| In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER,
| mean to you?
| __________________________________________________________
| In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to
| you?__________________
|
| Church you attend
| ______________________________________________________
| How often you attend
| ___________________________________________________
| When would be the best time to interview your:
| father? _____________ priest? _______________
| mother? _____________ parole officer? _______
|
| Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all
| answers are confidential.
| A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
| __________________________________________________________
| B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
| __________________________________________________________
| C: A woman's place is in the:_______________________________
| D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me
| about is:
| __________________________________________________________
| E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her
| first is:
| __________________________________________________________
|
| NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
| Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a
| serpentine fashion is advised.
|
| What do you want to do IF you grow up?
| __________________________________________________________
| __________________________________________________________
|
| What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
| _____________________
|
| Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
| A: 3
| B: 6
| C: 9
| D: 12
| E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
| How do you know?________________________________________
|
| I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND
| CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
| DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,
| ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND
| HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
|
| ___________________________________________
| Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
|
| Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six
| years for processing. You will be contacted in writing
| if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write
| (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
| If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
| two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying
| violin cases (you might want to watch your back).
| Have a nice day.
John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and
studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station.
He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl
with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a
Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not
with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The
soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind.
In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis
Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York
City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to
correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II.
During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the
mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was
budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused.
She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.
When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their
first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York.
"You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my
lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he
loved, but whose face he'd never seen.
I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:
A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair
lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her
lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like
springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice
that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile
curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured.
Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis
Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past
40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat.. She was more than plump,
her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green
suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen
was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman
whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.
And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray
eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped
the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her.
This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps
even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.
I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even
though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.
"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad
you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"
The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is
about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went
by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to
ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in
the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!"
It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.
The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.
"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who
you are."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 1998 07:32:54 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Martha Stewart anyone?
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 15 Signs Martha Stewart Planned Your Tailgate Party
15> Your buddy Hal's puke has a parsley sprig garnish.
14> Every brewski served with a little paper umbrella.
13> Festive doilies made from old Ace bandages -- *and* they
protect the finish on your RV.
12> Asking what the spread is gets you recipe for goose liver pate.
11> Each guest gets own pig and tanning instructions to make their
own football.
10> On the menu: Frommage de Tete!
9> Life-size potato salad sculpture of John Elway is so tasty,
Reggie White eats an entire leg.
8> "Hot wings" are all attached to angel figurines.
7> "Dammit! I dipped my low-salt blue corn tortilla chip in
the friggin' potpourri again!"
6> Helmet-shaped bean dip bowl smells suspiciously of Ben-Gay.
5> "Bud Bowl" played with porcelain Hummel Figures.
4> Needlepoint doilies beneath barf buckets.
3> Everywhere you look, well dressed white folk sipping Bud Dry
from conch shells.
2> Big-ass doily under the keg.
and the Number 1 Sign Martha Stewart Planned Your Tailgate Party...
1> Mango-ginger truffles in sight: 175. Twinkies in sight: 0.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 07:11:55 +0000
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Well, as much as it hurts to do this, I have to congratulate the US Women's
Olympic Hockey Team for their heartbreaking defeat of the Chosen Ones
yesterday morning - in particular congratulations to Sarah Tueting, Dartmouth
'98, for her excellent goaltending. Yay Dartmouth! (*sniff* *sniff*
Canada... - No worries though, we'll take the Men's Gold...)
And now, the joke... Here are a few quotes from Grade 1 students. Thanks Jennifer!
Enjoy,
Tony
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each
child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with
the rest. The funny thing is how true and honest these are:
As you shall make your bed, so shall you ....Mess it up.
Better be safe than .... Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .... Bug is close.
It's always darkest before ....Daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of ....Termites.
You can lead a horse to water, but .... How?
Don't bite the hand that ....Looks dirty.
No news is .... Impossible.
A miss is as good as a .... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new .... Math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll .... Stink in the morning.
Love all, Trust .... Me.
The pen is mightier than the .... Pigs.
An idle mind is .... The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's .... Pollution.
Happy is the bride who .... Gets all the presents!
A penny saved is .... Not much.
Two's company, three's .... The Musketeers.
Don't put off tomorrow what .... You put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and .... You have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not .... Spanked or Grounded.
If at first you don't succeed .... Get new batteries.
You get out of something what you .... See pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind .... Get out of the way.
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 19 Feb 1998 07:13:51 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Noone ever said that these had to make sense, right?
Enjoy,
Tony
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh
was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent
years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by
those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was
a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and
another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 20 Feb 1998 07:42:13 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Okay, so I was a little upset that the Canadians missed out on the Gold in
women's Hockey, but I doubt that they would be reading this list if they had
won... Thanks to Mark for this one!
Enjoy,
Tony
"Cool Things About Winning A Gold Medal"
========================================
As presented on February 17, 1998 by 10 members of the gold medal-winning U.S.
Women's Olympic Hockey Team.
10. Fun to set off airport metal detector, then say, "I'm sorry -- that must
be my Olympic gold medal." -- Colleen Coyne
9. Get to be President Clinton's intern. -- Sara DeCosta
8. It makes a really nice "ding" when you whack it against Verne Lundquist's
head. -- A.J. Mleczko
7. On the flight home, free headsets and tequila. -- Tara Mounsey
6. Now that you've proved you're the best, you can sit on your ass and watch
TV. -- Vicki Movsessian.
5. Comes with a big sloppy kiss from Gordie Howe. -- Alana Blahoski
4. When you get pulled over for speeding, you can say, "It's okay, officer,
I'm going for the gold." -- Sarah Tueting
3. Get to take slap shots at the Spice Girls. -- Angela Ruggiero
2. The Canadian snowboarding team sends over some delicious homemade brownies.
-- Jenny Schmidgall
1. Get to do Jell-o shots with Dave's mom. -- Karyn Bye
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 24 Feb 1998 06:47:06 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Anyone got 'da blues?
Enjoy,
Tony
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'
plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauvre
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit,
unless you happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the
blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied
treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you
die during a liposuction treatment.
16. Some Blues names for Womena. Sadieb. Big Mamac. Bessie
17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted
to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)Mix and Match
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 25 Feb 1998 07:53:27 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
Well, this isn't exactly a joke, it's more of a warning actually, but it's out
there enough to qualify for The Farther Side...
Enjoy (?)
Tony
>This story came from the "DailyTexan" - the University of Texas
>newspaper. Apparently it occurred during Fall Premier-a UT
>tradition that is a celebration of the end of midterms.
>
>"Reason not to party anymore"
>
>This guy went out last Saturday night to a party. He was having a
>good time, had a couple of beers and some girl seemed to like him
>and invited him to go to another party. He quickly agreed and decided
>to go along with her.
>
>She took him to a party in some apartment and they continued to
>drink, and even got involved with some other drugs (unknown which).
>
>The next thing he knew, he woke up completely naked in a bathtub
>filled with ice. He was still feeling the effects of the drugs,
>but looked around to see he was alone. He looked down at his chest,
>which had "CALL 911 OR YOU WILL DIE" written on it in lipstick. He saw a
>
>phone was on a stand next to the tub, so he picked it up and dialed.
>
>He explained to the EMS operator what the situation was and that
>he didn't know where he was, what he took, or why he was really calling.
>
>She advised him to get out of the tub. He did, and she asked him
>to look himself over in the mirror.
>
>He did, and appeared normal, so she told him to check his back.
>He did, only to find two 9 inch slits on his lower back. She told him
>to get back in the tub immediately, and they sent a rescue team over.
>
>Apparently, after being examined, he found out more of what had
>happened.
>
>His kidneys were stolen.
>
>They are worth 10,000 dollars each on the black market. (I was unaware
>this even existed.) Several guesses are in order: The second party was
>a sham, the people involved had to be at least medical students, and
>it was not just recreational drugs he was given.
>
>Regardless, he is currently in the hospital on life support, awaiting
>a spare kidney. The University of Texas in conjunction with Baylor
>University Medical Center is conducting tissue research to match
>the sophomore student with a donor.
>
>I wish to warn you about a new crime ring that is targeting
>business travelers. This ring is well organized, well funded, has very
>skilled personnel, and is currently in most major cities and recently
>very
>active in New Orleans.
>
>The crime begins when a business traveler goes to a lounge for a
>drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they
>sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveler
>remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bath tub, their body
>submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink.
>
>There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and
>to call 911. A phone is on a small table next to the bathtub for them
>to
>call.
>
>The business traveler calls 911 who have become quite familiar
>with this crime. The business traveler is instructed by the 911operator
>to
>very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel if there is a
>tube protruding from their lower back. The business traveler finds
>the tube and answers, "Yes." The 911 operator tells them to remain
>still, having already sent paramedics to help. The operator knows
>that both of the business traveler's kidneys have been harvested.
>
>This is not a scam or out of a science fiction novel, it is real.
>
>It is documented and confirmable. If you travel or someone close to
>you travels, please be careful.
>
>Sadly, this is very true. My husband is a Houston Firefighter/EMTand
>they have received alerts regarding this crime ring. It is to be
>taken very seriously.
>
>The daughter of a friend of a fellow firefighter had this happen to
>her. Skilled doctor's are performing these crimes! (which, by the way
>have been highly noted in the Las Vegas area). Additionally, the
>military has received alerts regarding this.
>
>This story blew me away. I really want as many people to see this as
>possible so please bounce this to whoever you can.
>
> Michele Shafer - DML/Lab Administration
> Medical Manager Research & Development
> 15151 N.W. 99th Street
> Alachua, Florida 32615
> Tel. (904) 462-2148
> Fax (904) 462-1505
>
>Is this not one of the scariest things you have ever heard of?
>PLEASE forward this to everyone you know.
>
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 26 Feb 1998 07:14:22 -0500
From: Tony Field <ATField@sprynet.com>
To: TFS@caligari.dartmouth.edu
Greetings!
I'm pleased to announce that lots of you have your heads screwed on tighter
than I do (at least at 6am.) Responses to my kidney black market sham ranged
as follows:
- Oh, fer catsake.... Is any hospital gonna take a pair of kidneys from some
guy in an alley?
- Ah... what a classic urban legend.
- Thanks for the warning but I almost passed out reading it...
- It was a very entertaining story, but I wouldn't take it seriously...At
least I *hope* it's not true!
- You don't really belive that, do you?
- Ah, the great Stolen Kidney urban myth.
- sorry to be an ass...
- I'm surprised you didn't know that the kidney story is a sham... A friend of
my family's works for the FBI and rolls his eyes every time that urban myth is forwarded.
And of course, the references:
http://www.urbanlegends.com/medical/organ.theft/new_orleans_debunk.html
http://www.urbanlegends.com/medical/organ.theft/kidney_theft_tube.html
http://www.urbanlegends.com/medical/organ.theft/bit_listserv_transplant_faq_organ_theft.html
So you can take off your armour and have fun when you go out again, you don't
need to worry about losing your organs.
And now, on the topic of what's true and what isn't, a list of oxymorons...
(Yes, I know there are a few classics missing... but check out number one!)
Thanks to Greg for this one...
Enjoy,
Tony
Top 50 OXYMORONS:
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
1. Microsoft Works
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 07:02:42 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Just want to remind everyone that I'm no longer using the ATField@sprynet.com
email address; instead, direct all your email to
anthony.t.field.97@alum.dartmouth.org or tony@fieldco.com. Thanks.
And now, a few perspectives on life...
Enjoy,
Tony
Real responses to "What have you learned in life?"
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 6
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent
Night". Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are
doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean
it up. Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering
someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents
are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 25
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me
there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so
that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how
to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little
card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need
to cast blame on others. Age 45
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age
49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these
three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss
them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age
58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try
to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both
hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus
on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing
the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the
right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've
seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People
love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on
the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Please pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need little
something to make them smile.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: **NEW EMAIL FOR TONY** IMPORTANT!!!
Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 00:09:11 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
*****IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ*******
I no longer use the following email address:
ATField@Sprynet.com <--- BAD, OLD, DO NOT USE
Please replace it in your address books with one of the following:
Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG <--- GOOD, USE THIS ONE
or
Tony@FieldCo.com <--- GOOD, USE THIS ONE
Thank You!
Tony