Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 2 Mar 1998 07:46:33 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
I hope everyone had a great weekend! Here's a little "light" humour for you...
Enjoy,
Tony
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when
he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the
floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient
replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy.
He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looked up and noticed
Patient #2's face was turning all red.
The doctor asked Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get
him down from there before he hurts himself."
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 07:13:48 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Ya gotta love store-owners with a sense of humour!
Enjoy,
Tony
Actual Business Signs
=====================
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one
just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've
got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any
place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 4 Mar 1998 07:08:02 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
This was picked off the newswire two days ago... Thanks Bob!
Enjoy,
Tony
Actual quote from nik Abdul Aziz, Chief Minister of the Malaysian
State of Kelantan, Dring a lecture to the Govt. employees in Oct:
'There are far too many pretty women in the govt. offices at the
moment, distracting male workers and lowering business efficiency
with their pert and yielding tightness. We must be ever watchful
for possible, immoral activities, and it is well-known that
pretty women cause unhealthy activities that lead to insanity,
blindness, sickness and bends. This is why from now on thorough
ugliness must be considered a deciding factor at all job inter-
views. Since the prettier candidate has already been blessed by
God it is only right that we should hire the uglier one. After
all if we do not choose the ugly candidates, who will?'
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 5 Mar 1998 07:56:01 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Once again, more info downloaded form the web and taken as true. This time,
from Tyler.
Enjoy,
Tony
This will explain why Canada's snowboarders aren't stopping in Singapore
on their way home from the olympics. As well, the laws on chewing gum,
smoking and tipping:
Ty
Drug Abuse
The death penalty is mandatory for those convicted of trafficking,
manufacturing, importing or exporting more than 15g of heroin, 30g of
morphine, 30g of cocaine, 500g of cannabis, 200g of cannabis resin and
1.2kg of opium. Possession of such quantities is deemed as prima facie
evidence of trafficking. For unauthorised consumption, there is a
maximum of 10 years imprisonment or fine of $20,000, or both.
Littering
Singapore's clean and green image is the result of more than two decades
of public education campaigns and strict laws against littering.
Littering of any kind is subject up to S$1,000 fine for first offenders,
and up to S$2,000 fine and a stint of corrective work order cleaning a
public place for repeat offenders. As an extension of the law against
littering, the import, sale and possession of chewing gum is prohibited.
The high costs and difficulty in removing indiscriminately discarded
chewing gum were the reasons for the prohibition.
Smoking
Smoking in public buses, taxis, lifts, theatres, cinemas, government
offices and air-conditioned restaurants and shopping centres is against
the law. First offenders may be fined up to a maximum of S$1,000. While
it is an offence to smoke in air-conditioned eating places, smoking is
not prohibited in air-conditioned pubs, discos, karaoke bars and
nightspots.
Tipping
Tipping is not a way of life in Singapore. It is prohibited at the
airport and discouraged in hotels and restaurants where there is a 10%
service charge.
( as taken from the Singapore tourism board web site at
http://www.newasia-singapore.com)
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 6 Mar 1998 07:30:18 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Anyone traveling any time soon should pay close attention to the following.
Thanks Mark!
Enjoy,
Tony
FOREIGN TRAVEL TIPS ===================
>From The Onion, http://www.theonion.com/onion3307/foreigntraveltips.html
* Get foreign TV schedules in advance to decide exactly what shows you want to
watch.
* Always bellow, "I'm an American, you filthy foreign barbarians!" to ensure
top-quality service while abroad.
* If you bend over to close your suitcase and hear a "Zwip! Thump!" sound, then
discover a knife wobbling in the wall behind you, it could mean you've
unintentionally become entangled in a web of international espionage and
intrigue.
* Carrying cash is unwise when traveling abroad; be sure to purchase plenty of
McDonald's gift certificates before you leave.
* Before leaving home, take your pets to local humane society and have them put
to sleep; get new pets when you come back.
* Many people in foreign countries do not speak English; you may need to speak
louder and/or slower in order to make yourself understood.
* When traveling through Europe, remind everyone you encounter that, if not for
America, they would all be speaking German. (Note: Does not work in Germany.)
* Do not treat foreign waiters with the slightest shred of human dignity; a
friendly attitude will only earn their disrespect.
* When traveling through Italy, be sure to get a load of the racks on some of
those Ginas.
* If you see Karl Malden ominously narrating before a camera while you are
checking into a hotel, keep an extra-close eye on your credit cards; a
commercial may be being filmed with you as the subject/victim.
* When in Great Britain, remember to follow local customs and eat with a pair
of tweezers.
* When reentering U.S., remove heroin-filled condoms from stomach immediately.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 9 Mar 1998 07:04:01 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings
Here are a few words of wisdom, thanks to Dennis.
Enjoy,
Tony
My grandmother decided she'd keep in shape by
walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't
know where the Hell she is.'
--Ellen DeGeneres
'If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down
the video camera and come help me.'
--Bobcat Goldthwait
'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Kuwait.'
--A. Whitney Brown
'I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll
forget.'
--Michael McShane
'Maybe there is no actual place called Hell. Maybe Hell is
just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their
noses when they're eating sandwiches.'
--Jim Carrey
'My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned
how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.' '
--Paula Poundstone
'In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic? Do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson
'Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?'
--John Mendoza
'Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should
be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have
to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger
'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien
'I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was
getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I
actually bought a congressman.'
--Bruce Baum
'I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the
planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that
separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.'
--Jeff Stilson
'Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.'
--Sue Murphy
'The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.'
--Rita Mae Brown
'My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give
me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.'
--Not Attributed in original note
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 1998 07:46:19 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Spring is just around the corner, and it's time to start thinking about doing
that work around the house and yard. Try not to let yourself buy any of these.
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 16 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Items (Part I)
16> PVC crack pipes
15> Howard Sterno
14> AK-47 Semi-automatic glue gun
13> Stud-Muffin Finder
12> DermAbrade 9000 Acne Remover! Fits most popular belt sanders.
11> Martha Stewart Terracotta Torque Wrench Cozy
10> Pee Wee Herman light switch plates
9> VladCo Electric Impal-O-Matic
8> Richard Simmons "Spackling to the Oldies" video
7> Lewinsky Leaf Blowers
6> The TurboBidet 2000
5> Time-Life's "So, You're A Moron With A Workshop" Books
4> Caulk Rings
3> The Hair Club for Men (attaches to your head to deter
would-be toupee thieves)
2> Goose Tape
and the Number 1 Worst-Selling Hardware Store Item...
1> "Hoe House" shag-carpeted tool sheds
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 11 Mar 1998 07:26:52 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Here's one thanks to Mark!
Enjoy,
Tony
Proper Diskette Usage and Care
Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and
corrode the innermechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and
stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles
may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any
stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool.
When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the
diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes
may be folded and used in "little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the
surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photocopy machine. If
your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into
your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks.
A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings
at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings
liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from
the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough
(data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings
with Scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette
jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading...
You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable compartment of
your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving
or briefly immersing in boiling water.
"Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These
containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command FORMAT/U, or
alternately by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.
Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks
before they become too brittle to use.
Make sure you label your data. Staples are good way to permanently affix
labels to your disks.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 13 Mar 1998 07:51:47 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Here's one from Sandra!
Enjoy,
Tony
Top 10 Ways to tell you are at Dartmouth:
=========================================
10. There are as many dogs in class as students.
9. A student is insulted at the hint of being "part-time."
8. Your teaching load is 3 courses per year instead of 3 per term.
7. Your students know that "big green" doesn't refer to body emissions.
6. You are assigned to a classroom with only 2 $20,000, triple-beam
ceiling-mounted projectors.
5. Blitz does not conjure up images of Nazi war strategy.
4. You get lost and have to be rescued from the Baker stacks.
3. Both of the students with whom you are chatting are valedictorians.
2. The student parking lot has more BMWs than Chevys.
1. The vending machines sell condoms next to the M&Ms.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 16 Mar 1998 07:07:22 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
In case you didn't get a chance to see the most popular movie ever, here's a
brief synopsis thanks to Sandra.
Enjoy,
Tony
Titanic - The Abridged Version==============================
(Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It
is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know
these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking
pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and
people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved
my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because
you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and
then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my
character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person
into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're
trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo!
(Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate.
But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on
his side. Boo!)
***
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to
marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a
car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the
movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though
they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same
thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you
have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that
sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is
in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
***
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
***
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
KATE: That is terrible
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to
handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with
water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate
from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway . . .
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
***
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and
helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for
having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not
frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well
over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn
down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud
music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr.
Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my kneee, if I had one. I'll beat you in
the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 17 Mar 1998 06:24:49 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
And now, the letter of recommendation from hell, thanks to Mark!
Enjoy,
Tony
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards -
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 18 Mar 1998 06:00:16 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
If you bombed an exam lately, don't worry, here's the form you've been waiting for!
Enjoy,
Tony
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
University: ______________________
To: Professor____________________
From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from
______ to _______ for the following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.
__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
__6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover
the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about
general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
____Males
____Jews
____Blacks
____Females
____Catholics
____Whites
____Protestants
____Moslems
____Minorities
____Chicanos
____People
____Students
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut
my allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
____mono
____broken baby finger
____acute alcoholism
____pregnancy
____VD
____fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you
wanted that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
____too detailed to pick out important points
____not explained in sufficient detail
____too boring
____all jokes and not enough material
____all of the above
__17. This course was:
____too early, I was not awake.
____at lunchtime, I was hungry
____too late, I was tired
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes,
paper) for this course.
__19. Other__________________________________
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 25 Mar 1998 05:59:24 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
It's good to take a little siesta now and then, but once again, The Farther
Side continues, and even earlier in the day! (don't ask)
I hope everyone at Dartmouth had a successful set of exams, enjoy your breaks!
Ans now, one thanks to Tyler.
Enjoy,
Tony
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed
a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her
condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in
such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She
sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then
she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read
"William's Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat
under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1998 06:37:20 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
This may be a little late, but here is the opinion of one disgruntled American
ono the Olympic Hockey situation... Thanks to Fiona for this one.
Enjoy,
Tony
Here is a copy of a editorial that appeared in the Memphis newspaper a few
weeks ago:
NAGANO, Japan - Break up Canada.
No, not the hockey team. The country. Saskatchewan, one place. Ontario,
another. British Columbia, a third. How else to stop the Canadians? How else
to end the new red menace?
Canada defeated the United States in men's hockey Monday, 4-1. It wasn't that
close. Canada led 4-zip until Brett Hull scored a goal for the Americans. Hull
was born in Belleville, Ontario. He's about as American as Alex Trebek. I'll
have famous traitors for $100, Alex.
But if this were only about hockey, it would be easier to take. If this were
only about curling and hockey, it would be easier to take. It's not. It's
about the entire Olympics. Canada is cleaning up. Canada is kicking our butt.
Here's the up-to-date medal count: Canada 9, United States 7. Here's the
up-to-date gold medal count: Canada 4, United States 2. Canada over the United
States. In something other than that map on your wall. Who would have imagined that?
As you might expect, the Canadian people are having great fun with this. One
Toronto reporter pointed out that the United States now has exactly as many
gold medals as Saskatchewan. And Saskatchewan still has Theoren Fleury.
Canada wasn't always so ambitious, of course. It used to be that the two
countries had a deal. Canada would give the United States hockey players and
beer. The United States would give Canada acid rain and Doug Flutie. Then we'd
knock Canada into next week during the Olympics.
Canada has never wound up with more medals than the United States. Not in the
summer. Not in the winter. Not in their wildest Olympic dreams. Our skiers
were better than their skiers. Our skaters were better than their skaters. Our
Brian (Boitano) was better than their Brian (Orser). Now it appears that all
bets are off. Maybe we should have been suspicious when they returned Flutie.
Actually, it's been brewing longer than that, at least since the United States
defeated Canada in the hockey World Cup. From the Canadian perspective, that
was roughly akin to the Montreal Alouettes defeating the Packers in the Super
Bowl. That's what ticked them off. Well, that plus the upside-down flag thing
during the World Series. They've been out to get us ever since. Looking back,
maybe Donovan Bailey beating Michael Johnson should have been our Sputnik.
So now we're faced with a new threat to athletic supremacy. And boy, is it
ever humiliating. Losing to Russia is one thing. Losing to Canada is a red of
a different colour. Canada is Michael J. Fox and Gordon Lightfoot. Canada is
Peter Jennings and Bryan Adams. Canada is North Dakota with French subtitles,
Montana with the metric system.
Monday's game showed just how bad things have become. Canada scored early,
scored often and won going away. By the end, the Canadian fans were singing
that goodbye song, taunting the Americans. So that's it for Canada, time to
treat it like the Soviet Union, break it into seven or eight pieces. And once
that happens, we'll have only one problem.
We'll still have to deal with Saskatchewan.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 27 Mar 1998 05:47:47 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings,
The classic Blonde Joke. Thanks to Karen (yes, blonde) for this one!
Enjoy,
Tony
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the
captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat,
shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he
noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the
hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one
is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 30 Mar 1998 06:07:56 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!!
Here's a little Canadian humour, thanks to Fiona. Perhaps not the most
patriotic bit ever written, but definitely worth a good laugh!
Enjoy,
Tony
WHERE TO LIVE IN CANADA
=======================
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 1.8 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like "Flin Flon" and "Winnipeg"
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still "friendly" even when you cut
someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a
cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move
out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards".
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war... by a moron who
set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered
Canada's most beautiful city.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the
big-ass bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Seperates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a
dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered
flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 31 Mar 1998 06:01:48 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Would the world be different if Microsoft were headquartered in Georgia? Take
a look...
Enjoy,
Tony
How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia!
1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and
some duct tape.
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the
choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin'
Boogie".
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12. Daisy Duke screen saver.
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation
template.
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a
12 gauge shotgun.
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver.
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>