Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 1998 06:03:32 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
This week is working out to be a twisted look at North American Geography -
Canada, the South, and now Kentucky... Thanks to Mark for this one.
Enjoy,
Tony
Things you will never hear someone from Kentucky say:
-I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
-Come to think of it, I'll have a Heinekin
-We don't keep firearms in this house.
-Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
-You can't feed that to the dog.
-No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
-Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
-We're vegetarians.
-Do you think my hair is too big?
-I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
-Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
-Give me the _small_ bag of pork rinds.
-Deer heads detract from the decor.
-Trim the fat off that steak.
-The tires on that truck are too big.
-I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
-I've got it all on a floppy disk.
-My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
-I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
-She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
-Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
-Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
-I don't have a favorite college team.
-Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
-I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
-Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
-Checkmate.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1998 06:14:37 -0500
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
So far, I don't think many of these have had responses yet. I'll keep you posted...
Enjoy,
Tony
CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD
=========================
Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on
vacation? -Jane
Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling
words in the house? -Anita
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
accident? -Norma
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why
don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that
okay? -Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had
everything. -Jane
Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because
if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a
puppy. -Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said
some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I
hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not
going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be
our day of rest. -Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You
can look it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything
you want except my money or my chess set. -Raphael
Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so
much hair all over. -Sam
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it. -Nan
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You
did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 06:48:52 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Trying to decide between the life of a drug dealer or a software developer?
See the comparison chart below. Thanks to Mark for this one!
Enjoy,
Tony
--------------------------- ---------------------------
Drug dealers Software developers
--------------------------- ---------------------------
Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
as "users". as "users".
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Have important South-East
Asian connections Asian connections
(to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN".
Realize that there's Realize that there's
tons of cash in the tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old
market. market.
Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by
industry's producing industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture
capitalists.
Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D --
unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1998 05:51:04 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Okay, so maybe the World Figure Skating Championships aren't the type of event
that make you think of something like this. But it's still worth a laugh or two....
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 15 Signs An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance
15> Get "psyched" before each competition by banging his head
against a locker, although he's on the chess team.
14> Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
13> Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at
this year's French Open.
12> Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 *and* the
Preakness.
11> Swimmer's refusal to trim beard and wax chest costs her
valuable seconds in the 100 meter freestyle.
10> His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
9> Absent-mindedly shows up at starting blocks with syringe
dangling from arm.
8> Remainder of high jump event postponed until he lands.
7> Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting
wet.
6> Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
5> Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
4> According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
3> Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
2> Has switched her shower song from "I Feel Pretty" to
"Old Man River."
and the Number 1 Sign An Athlete is Using a Banned Substance...
1> Forget Nike and Reebok -- he's got endorsement deals with
Merck and Glaxo.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1998 06:13:01 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings
A few words involving revenge...
Enjoy,
Tony
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how
badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a
magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a
magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her
troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will
give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not
believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount
of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The
genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10
billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she
makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on
the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but
the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what
she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of
ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last
wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman
informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before
she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will
get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last
wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 1998 05:34:27 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Anybody hear about the kids on Lake Couchiching who went fishing yesterday,
only to find a few hours later that their dock had been blown 1km off shore?
They sure could have used a canoe!
Enjoy,
Tony
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that
now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you
in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to
build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him
a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save
the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and
starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The
chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?" And the
New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 1998 06:12:00 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
I trust that everyone had a good time filing their US tax returns last
night... Why don't you take some time out now, and go camping... or hunting...(?)
Enjoy,
Tony
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to
shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran
as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge
of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing
in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some
'religion!'"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few
feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and
glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up
into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 17 Apr 1998 06:56:53 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings
A few words on proper etiquette...
Enjoy,
Tony
Etiqette Tips for Rednecks
==========================
PERSONAL HYGIENE
--Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-
down item.
--While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job
that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
--Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
--Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger
foods.
--Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A
cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the
same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water
handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
--When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
--If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
--Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all,
their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
--A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
--Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how
good his manners are.
--Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
--If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
--Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
--No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
stolen from a cemetery.
--Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall
two years ago."
--Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
--If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall,
water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
--Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your
reputation.
--Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
--Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
--Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
--Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
--Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
--When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
--Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
--A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but
also a proven fly deterrent.
--For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
--Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
--When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
--Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
--When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
--Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
--Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit
in.
--Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
--Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
--Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
--Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
--It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
--Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
--The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets,
especially if other people are around.
--If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
sheets.
--Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 1998 06:40:06 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings
If you're blind and reading this, you might want to make a note of this one...
Enjoy,
Tony
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They
walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts
on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a
pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me
a Chihuahua?"
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 23 Apr 1998 06:53:22 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
This goes out to all of the addicts out there. And for those of you who just
got online (read NOEL), be warned....
Enjoy,
Tony
Your Mail
You just awake... your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus.....still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee......can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker.....and put the mug to your lip
The feeling is warm.... just what you need
But you know you need more....and it's something to read
The paper you say??? no...don't think so.. not it...
It's much more exciting... you can't wait to "click"...
You boot up your puter.......you click that icon...
Can't keep from grinning.... you're really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome"...your heart skips a beat!!
You know you're addicted....all the friends that you'll meet.
And then you see it.......you wait with a stare....
The mail box lights up!! "you've got mail" waiting there!!
OH.. what a feeling!!.... you look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail.... and you knew you were right!!
So you go thru the mail..... knowing this is the "Best"..
Reading this reading that....as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the "delete" key....others get your first click
You know you must hurry......you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it.... You can't wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter... who's name will it be?
And then there it is..... covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound....Oh..you know what that means!!!
"Quick mail check" you promised....you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM.... and you're pressing for time!
You know that you want to.... and respond you will
So you stop what you're doing.. and go for the thrill!
You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs...
You type and send words... refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check... turns to hours online!
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 1998 07:26:57 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Here's one thanks to Dennis.
Enjoy,
Tony
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on that
wonderful quiz show Family Feud.
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorise - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with
wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A famous Scotsman - Jock
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 28 Apr 1998 06:27:40 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
Downsizing anyone?
Enjoy,
Tony
Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize
<Offensive to CEO's>
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store"
are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!"
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 07:02:15 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@caligari.Dartmouth.EDU
Greetings!
This one's more interesting than it is funny. Thanks to Megan for this one!
Enjoy,
Tony
An Anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are
quite astounding!
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to
suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Becomes:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet,
queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A.
Armstrong
becomes:
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>