Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 1 Jun 1998 06:11:30 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Anyone thinking of being an accountant?
Enjoy,
Tony
Accountant Humor
What's the definition of an accountant?
- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way
you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
- Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
- When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an
undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
- His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
- One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his
own.
What's an auditor?
- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count
and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
- Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the
wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
- Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the
value of nothing.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his
doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried
counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend
three hours trying to find it."
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 07:26:35 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Thanks to Joe for this one!
Enjoy,
Tony
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they
fell asleep, awakening around eight PM.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, he said humbly, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I
fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced
down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing
golf !"
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side Addendum
Date: Tue, 2 Jun 1998 07:42:49 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
In my furious rush this morning, I left out a very special announcement....
**************************
* Happy Birthday Karen!! *
**************************
:-)
Tony
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 3 Jun 1998 05:58:55 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
'seems I missed Jennifer's birthday yesterday, so Happy Birthday to you too, of course! :-)
And now, an original, thanks to Graham.
Enjoy,
Tony
Leadership Review
=================
>From the mouth of Canada's ambassador to Egypt, presented as the genuine
currency of the streets of Baghdad (sidebar- is that an Arab cop show- "The
Streets of Baghdad"? followed on the schedule by a sitcom "Family Ties",
featuring a lovable military strongman and his family, at least one of whom is
shot per episode):
In the fullness of time, Saddam Hussein dies. The chef de cabinet spends much
time planning the state funeral, but has a problem that he can't overcome- the
burial site.
He visits the shaykhs in charge of the Muslim burials, and asks them to provide
a place for the beloved leader of the nation, etc. They cry out "after what he's
done to persecute the faithful for thirty years. We refuse!"
So the official has a problem. He decides that Baghdad has a small but well-off
Jewish community. They must have some land to dispose of the body. So he makes
enquiries at the temple. The rabbis are shocked. "after the way he treated our
people for thirty years. Forget it. meshuggeh!"
So, at last, the official must go to the Christians. So he pays a call on the
bishops. They are understandably reluctant, but also feel bound to forgiveness
and charity, so they accept burying saddam in one of their cemeteries.
So the state funeral proceeds, and the vast procession winds its way through
Baghdad. Until it runs into a huge Muslim protest demonstration, with all the
shaykhs at the head. Huge banners proclaim (in english, for the US networks,
natch) "No to Saddam in a Christian cemetery!"
The cabinet official is stunned, and leads a delegation to meet with the
shaykhs. "What are you doing?" he moans. "We asked you to let us bury him in
Muslim holy ground!"
The shaykhs reply that it is unacceptable to see Saddam in a Christian cemetery.
"Why?" groans the official.
"Because the Christians believe in resurrection."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 4 Jun 1998 05:17:14 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings,
Here's one from Douglas Adams' The Restaurant at the End of the Universe...
Enjoy,
Tony
The Hitch Hiker's Gide to the Galaxy is an indispensable companion to all those who are keen to make sense of life in an infinitely complex and confusing Universe, for though it cannot hope to be useful or informative on all matters, it does at least make the reassuring claim, that where it is innacurate it is at least definitively inaccurate. In cases of major discrepancy it's always reality that's got it wrong...
This has led to some interesting consequences. For instance, when the Editors of the Guide were sued by families of those who had died as a result of taking the entry on the planet Traal literally (it said "Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts often make a very good meal for visiting tourists" instead of "Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts often make a very good meal OF visiting tourists") they claimed that the first version of the sentence was the more aesthetically pleasing, summoned a qualified poet to testify under oath that beauty was truth, truth beauty and hoped thereby to prove that the guilty party in this case was Life itself for failing to be either beautiful or true. The judges concurred, and in a moving speech held that Life itself was in contempt of court, and duly confiscated it from all those there present before going off to enjoy a pleasant evening's ultragolf.
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 24 Jun 1998 06:38:29 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
I hope everyone had a wonderful graduation, congrats to the class of '98! See
what can happen to engineers that work too hard? This one's thanks to Nick!
Enjoy,
Tony
THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM
4 questions, 60 minutes.
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of
Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a
perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density = D. No praying during the exam.
1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an
equal amount L_G. Bob then accelerates to 0.9c. In Joe's rest frame, how much
does God now love Bob?
2. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the xy
plane. Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t =30 sec., traveling at 5 m/s in the
direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates
bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards
the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
3. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human
weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an
alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t
+ 10 sec.?
4. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level for
his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats 0.3 kg of pork, and enjoys it very
much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything.
(a) (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
(b) (10 pts.) Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't so
damn smug now, is he?
Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo
transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many
joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>