Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 06:55:12 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
I hope everyone is having a good summer. The Farther Side is now back and in
full swing, so look for three to five issues per week in the future. Recent
graduates from Dartmouth, your accounts will automatically be updated to your
new Alum.Dartmouth.ORG accounts. If you would like to add someone to the list,
please feel free to either let me know or refer to the web page
<http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/> for further subscription information.
And now one from Graham!
Enjoy,
Tony
>From a letter to the Economist:
"Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
A rigorous mathematical proof explains why this is true:
Postulate 1-- Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2-- Time is Money
As every engineer knows: Power = Work/Time
since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, therefore Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we get Money = Work/Knowledge.
Therefore, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity regardless of
work done."
Conclusion- The less you know, the more you make. Quod erat demonstrandum.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1998 07:20:39 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Chili, anyone? Thanks Greg.
Enjoy,
Tony
Notes from an INEXPERIENCED chili taster named Frank:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do
it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted this as
being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and
therefore known and adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili A 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili A 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad
night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake
tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a
face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
Chili A 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
#@$%!?&%! uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make
it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her
"Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili A 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of
coiled and uncoiled .... it's kinda cute.
Chili A 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.
Chili A 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
Spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked
if she wants To go dancing later.
Chili A 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy
they'll know what killed me. "Go Sally, save yourself before it's too
late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them."
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I> need air I'll just let it in through the hole in
my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super
nova on my tongue.
Chili A 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: "Momma??!!"
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>