Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 08:08:26 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
This seems rather timely...
Enjoy,
Tony
Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the
midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses
them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves
from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go
see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!"
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!"
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 08:11:29 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
This seems rather timely...
Enjoy,
Tony
Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the
midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses
them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves
from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go
see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!"
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!"
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 06:32:13 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Sometimes you just can't get away from it all...
Enjoy,
Tony
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping
and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at
the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you
see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day
tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998 05:52:42 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Don't forget, if you have a joke or silly anecdote that you think other people would enjoy, send it in! Can anyone relate to this one? Thanks Greg!
Enjoy,
Tony
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must be in upper management in some business."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 07:12:41 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Make your PC...PC.
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 13 Internet Euphemisms for Death
13> Clicked the bucket
12> www.he's-dead,-jim.com
11> Invested in Pointcast
10> Visiting the Chat Tomb
9> No longer able to view the web's hottest women
8> </life>
7> Opened "GOOD TIMES!"
6> Transferred to WWW.HasBecome.Com/post
5> 404ever, Pulse Not Found
4> Installed the Kevorkian Plug-n-Play
3> www.MyFirstCoronary.com
2> Assigned to the Hale Bopp Project
and Top5's Number 1 Internet Euphemism for Death...
1> It Doesn't Matter Whether You've Got Mail
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 06:11:56 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings...
This one goes out to all of the addicts out there. Thanks to Karin for this one.
Enjoy,
Tony
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a
Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat
sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies... nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous
woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her, "Where did you
come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island."
she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing!" he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found
on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom
from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that is impossible!" stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware.
How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem." replies the woman. "On the south side of the island
there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it
to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I
used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The man is
stunned. "Lets row over to my place." she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man
looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman
ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare
ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "Its not
much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?."
"No, no thank you." he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina
Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like
to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the
cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground
edge are fastened on its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is
amazing !" he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him to sit down next
to her.
"Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him. "We've been out
here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these
months? You know....." She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he is hearing. "You mean--?" he swallows excitedly. "I
can check my e-mail from here?"
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 07:04:49 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
This one, I have to say, it a little strange. I'll leave you some space to
skip it after the title if it's not up your alley.... :-)
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia
14> Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
13> Some Like It Cold
12> Peggy Sue Got Buried
11> People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
10> Sex, Flies and Videotape
9> Lifeless in Seattle
8> The Right Stiff
7> Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
6> How Stella Got Her Grave Back
5> Four Beddings at a Funeral
4> The Corpse Whisperer
3> CASketball
2> Waiting to Exhume
and Top5's Number 1 Movie About Necrophilia...
1> Blue Vulva
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998 06:59:16 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Here's one thanks to Isabelle...
Enjoy,
Tony
A white lady on a business trip arrived in LA during the heat of the riots. She
was very nervous and distressed for her safety, and feared danger lurked around
every corner.
After checking in at the front desk she walked to the elevator, to discover
there were already three black men on it. She quickly debated whether to wait
for the next elevator. Suddenly she realized, "This is ridiculous, I have
nothing to fear from these men in the middle of a reputable hotel."
She then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the three men.
Shortly after the door closed she heard one of the men say,
"Hit the floor, lady." She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror. Upon
her quick dive for the floor the three men broke into hysterical laughter.
She then finally realized the man had simply meant for her to select the floor
she wished to go to.
At the end of her stay she went to check out and pay for her room. To her
confusion the clerk explained her room had already been taken care of. He
handed her a note, explaining it had been left by the person who had picked up
her tab.
The note simply read:
Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an elevator!
Eddie Murphy
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998 07:54:34 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
I'm on vacation, but hey, that's no reason to deprive you! (Don't forget to
keep sending in your contributions) Thanks to Jenny for this one.
Enjoy,
Tony
Life Lessons from Melrose Place:
1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep
with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait
around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding! You should do
both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire,
curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of
straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face,
really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't
convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding!
Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure
to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or
have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some
way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and
try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your
shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be
judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum
where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even
better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked
you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of
times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't
mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 20:41:36 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
And yet another one from Jenny, for all those of you who wondered how things
came to be....
Enjoy,
Tony
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,
c:\>Let there be light
Enter user id.
c:\>God
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let
the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and
over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1
errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG
OFF.
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh
--
The Farther Side
http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/
tony@fieldco.com
For subscription info, please see the website.