Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 00:25:18 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Here's one from Karen...
Enjoy,
Tony
You Know You Work In the '90s When....
10. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
9. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail
painfully slow.
7. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
6. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
5. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats
to work.
4. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
3. You think that "progressing an action plan" and
"calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
2. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
Friday night plans.
And, the number one sign you work in the nineties...
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock
--
The Farther Side
http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/
tony@fieldco.com
For subscription info, please see the website.
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 09:42:59 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Here's one for any of you who are major sports fans....
Enjoy,
Tony
THE SPORTS QUOTE HALL OF FAME
>>>> Timeless locker room wisdom
>>>
>>>> "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how
>>>> long it takes."
>>>> -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
>>>>
>>>
>>>> "Nobody in football should be called a genius.
>>>> A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
>>>> - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
>>>> 1996
>>>
>>>> "You guys line up alphabetically by height.
>>>> - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
>>>
>>>> "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line
>>>> up in a circle."
>>>> - Bill Peterson again
>>>
>>>> Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again
>>>> with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him
>>>> to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years,
>>>> not Princeton."
>>>
>>>> Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining
>>>> why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
>>>> "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can
>>>> still find my clothes."
>>>
>>>> Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon
>>>> during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember
>>>> the names of the clubs that we went to."
>>>
>>>> Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've
>>>> won at every level, except college and pro."
>>>
>>>> Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training
>>>> regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who
>>>> gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
>>>> time it is."
>>>
>>>> 1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager,
>>>> on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We
>>>> can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't
>>>> figure out where else to play."
>>>
>>>> 1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball
>>>> player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
>>>> nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby,
>>>> and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
>>>>
>>>
>>>> 1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what
>>>> terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela
>>>> might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:
>>>> "He wants Texas back."
>>>
>>>> 1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if
>>>> the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted
>>>> from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost
>>>> because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a
>>>> nose in condition for football?"
>>>
>>>> 1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore
>>>> Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert
>>>> Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the
>>>> coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the
>>>> injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
>>>>
>>>
>>>> 1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling
>>>> Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed
>>>> 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't
>>>> been colored yet."
>>>
>>>> 1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked
>>>> after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not
>>>> allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
>>>
>>>> 1991 - NASCAR driver Alan Kulwicki, on racing Saturday
>>>> nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically
>>>> the same, just darker."
>>>
>>>> 1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former
>>>> assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old
>>>> son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers:
>>>> "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to
>>>> any more bowl games."
>>>
>>>> 1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of
>>>> 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family
>>>> buys too many tickets."
>>>
>>>> 1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former
>>>> player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is
>>>> it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and
>>>> I don't care."
>>>
>>>> 1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver,
>>>> on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men.
>>>> He lets us wear earrings."
>>>
>>>> 1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
>>>> recounting what he told a player who received four F's and
>>>> one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much
>>>> time on one subject."
--
The Farther Side
http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/
tony@fieldco.com
For subscription info, please see the website.
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 08:56:51 EDT
From: "Anthony T. Field 97" <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
This one speaks for itself...
Enjoy,
Tony
ONLY IN AMERICA...
.....can a pizza get to your house faster that an ambulance
.....are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink
.....do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke
.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage
.....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place
.....do we buy hot dogs in packages of 10 and buns in packages of 8
.....do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures
--
The Farther Side
http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/
tony@fieldco.com
For subscription info, please see the website.
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1998 07:13:23 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
And welcome back to school! Here's one thanks to Neesha!
Enjoy,
Tony
Today In Archeology
-------------------
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of
copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they
found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits
35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber network.
Indian scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found
absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Indians 55,000 years
ago had cellular telephones.
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1998 06:53:15 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
The Millennium Bug. Not a laughing matter... er... well... maybe.
Enjoy,
Tony
Year 2000 Problems
10. "99 Bottles of Beer" song gets stuck in an infinite loop
9. At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns
back into DOS 1.0; the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and
the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
8. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
7. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only two digits.
6. Sales of Coca-Cola(tm) jump drastically after original cocaine-laden
formula becomes legal again.
5. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost
1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899" (which, frankly,
doesn't seem like that much fun).
4. Microsoft(tm) declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the
"Gatesian" Calendar.
3. Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL
programmers.
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly
takes home some octogenarians.
1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel
shortage at McDonald's(tm) restaurants
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1998 06:07:41 +0000
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Direct from David Letterman...
Enjoy,
Tony
Top Ten Signs You're About To Be Impeached
10. When you call to congratulate Mark McGwire, he lets his machine get it.
9. Your press secretary keeps introducing you as "President William Milhous
Clinton."
8. You're invited to appear on Jeopardy's "Impeached Presidents Week."
7. Tipper Gore's in your office measuring it for drapes.
6. Even the sluttiest new intern won't give you the time of day.
5. Library of Congress stops letting you sign out books.
4. You walk into the Capitol commissary and 500 people simultaneously say,
"Shhh! He's here!"
3. Somebody changed the locks on Monica Lewinsky.
2. Suddenly, everyone's kissing Al Gore's big cinder-block ass.
1. Your new Secret Service code name: "Roadkill."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1998 07:20:06 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings
Here's one thanks to Fiona.
Enjoy,
Tony
In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese (Monty Python)
explained three reasons why Brits are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one
knee!
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1998 06:43:24 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
This one is VERY p(h)unny...
Enjoy,
Tony
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car
crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell 'phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese, d00d.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?
The taste.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 07:45:58 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings
Here's one thanks to Karin
Enjoy,
Tony
A MATTER OF PERCEPTION
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills
the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete
strangers to kill again."
-- Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 17 Sep 1998 07:24:41 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings everybody!
(NORM!!!!)
Enjoy,
Tony
Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers".
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're
demanding beer."
"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of
whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the
happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone
underwear."
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1998 07:12:34 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
I have to say, Clinton Jokes are getting rather old. But this is a good one.
Enjoy,
Tony
One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping
Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their
lives.
Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely
the strongest person in the world.
"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better
because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the
world".
Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a
doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because
he had been with the most women.
After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a
Guru for the truth.
First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later
he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had
said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the
world. He was very pleased.
Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile:
"It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"
Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of
the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???"
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 06:12:15 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Anyone hear that ESPN is now plugging Androstine? Buyer beware. The following drugs may have
different side effects...
Enjoy,
Tony
The Top 13 New Wonder Drugs
13> Monicquil -- The against-the-wall, under-the-desk, in-the-bathroom, with-a-cigar, grabbing-in-public,
with-the-wife-away so you can lie medicine.
12> Sosaloft -- Cures depression, helps you get back into the game.
11> TetrisCyclin -- A treatment for video game addiction.
10> Pubepicia -- Hair-growing drug for your crotch.
9> Lilithium -- Gives you the dreamy, starry-eyed frame of mind of a female folk singer.
8> Sodium Pentagon -- Inhibits lying by U.S. military defense contractors.
7> Methadome -- Synthetic substitute designed to wean men from Rogaine.
6> Tripp-tophan -- The laxative that's guaranteed to make the shit hit the fan.
5> PhenylBarbieDoll -- Causes pubescent girls to sprout legs like a giraffe and enormous perky breasts.
4> Elton John's Wort -- Helps maintain one's sense of well-being even while obliterating one's sense of
fashion.
3> Cohiba -- The women's suppository.
2> Viagrogaine -- Makes your hair like Don King's.
and Top5's Number 1 New Wonder Drug...
1> Phuquitol -- The all-natural stress reliever whose name says all.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 06:45:32 -0400
This message was originally submitted by Anthony.T.Field.97@SNEEZY.DARTMOUTH.OR
G to the TFS list at LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU. If you simply forward it back to
the list, using a mail command that generates "Resent-" fields (ask your local
user support or consult the documentation of your mail program if in doubt), it
will be distributed and the explanations you are now reading will be removed
automatically. If on the other hand you edit the contributions you receive into
a digest, you will have to remove this paragraph manually. Finally, you should
be able to contact the author of this message by using the normal "reply"
function of your mail program.
----------------- Message requiring your approval (31 lines) ------------------
> Greetings,
>
> Here an interesting quote. Thanks to Kathy for this one.
>
> Enjoy,
> Tony
>
> "Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts.
> Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with
> pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under
> the public's `right to know.' Pornography is pornography, regardless of the
> source."
>
> Kenneth Starr 1987 60 Minutes interview with Diane Sawyer
>
> --
>
> T H E "Just 'Cuz."
> F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
> S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
>
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: 24 Sep 98 06:47:47 EDT
From: Anthony.T.Field.97@sneezy.Dartmouth.ORG (Anthony T. Field 97)
To: tfs@listserv.dartmouth.edu
This message was originally submitted by Anthony.T.Field.97@SNEEZY.DARTMOUTH.OR
G to the TFS list at LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU. If you simply forward it back to
the list, using a mail command that generates "Resent-" fields (ask your local
user support or consult the documentation of your mail program if in doubt), it
will be distributed and the explanations you are now reading will be removed
automatically. If on the other hand you edit the contributions you receive into
a digest, you will have to remove this paragraph manually. Finally, you should
be able to contact the author of this message by using the normal "reply"
function of your mail program.
----------------- Message requiring your approval (21 lines) ------------------
Greetings,
Here an interesting quote. Thanks to Kathy for this one.
Enjoy,
Tony
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts.
Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with
pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value
under
the public's `right to know.' Pornography is pornography, regardless of the
source."
Kenneth Starr 1987 60 Minutes interview with Diane Sawyer
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 07:57:27 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Thanks to Dave for this one!
Enjoy,
Tony
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company,
of course, does not - and made the web department take it down
immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of
the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).
_____________________________________________________________________
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
First Name: ......................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... / .......
4. Serial Number: .................................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your
spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
[This may not be true. Either way, I don't want to hear about it, it's funny! :-) ]
--
The Farther Side
http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/
tony.field.97@alum.dartmouth.org
Subject: The Farther Side
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 06:23:21 -0400
From: Tony Field <Anthony.T.Field.97@alum.dartmouth.org>
Organization: FieldCo Computer Innovations
To: TFS@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Greetings!
Here are some definitions thanks to Greg.
Enjoy,
Tony
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
--
T H E "Just 'Cuz."
F A R T H E R <Tony@FieldCo.com>
S I D E <http://www.fieldco.com/tfs/>